Friday, April 2, 2010

March 2010

Boss: "Does Kirstie Alley have a lemur?!"

Boss: "I have no need to see Johnny Depp play another gay man."

Boss: "I'm just going to be the next Archie Bunker."

Boss: "Yeah, let's not yuck each other's yums."

Boss: "If I have a dog with cancer I'm namin' it TypePad."

Coworker: "You're more of a tough-love guy."
Boss: "I'm more of a no-love guy."

"Weren't your pectoral muscles brought up in conversation once?"

Re. Miss Piggy:
"She looks like Sharon Stone in Casino."

"You know what it is? I like really gay things, that's why I like Annie."

Boss: "Stop pouring bitterness into your eyes and looking at me."

Boss: "Oh, I bought my Taylor Swift tickets!"

"It's all fun and games until she pukes in your bed."

"My diet's been, like, drinkin' and fuckin'."

Coworker: "I don't care what the story is! Get a camel in the photo spot now!"

Boss: "I think I'm grooming my succulent!"

Boss, crisply: "He looks very much like a lawyer. Is that what he is?"

Boss: "Last night I forgot to take the 14mg patch off and I had crazy dreams about a post-apocalyptic world."

Boss to people gathered in his office for a meeting: "I didn't call this meeting, did I?"

"There's clapping. Does that mean there's cake?"

Boss: "We had this really great story about that! Oh wait, I read that in another magazine."

Boss, re. a restaurant he checked into on Foursquare: "And you know that place ain't known for its good food. (beat:) And I'm the mayor of it."

February 2010

Boss: "I was unaware that I am such an ogre."

Coworker A: "How often have you seen Apocalypse Now?"
Coworker B: "Uhhh..."
Coworker C: "Every night!"
Coworker A: "I didn't mean 'how often do you live it'."

A: "Make some popcorn!"
B: "You make some popcorn!"
A: "I'm pickin' up poop!"

"Not less than a week ago we were drinking whiskey by a Dumpster."

"Oh, no. (beat:) Wanna see a picture of Kathy Ireland scrapbooking?"

"Boy, this is not a good time to be Amish."

"No -- he's a very sophisticated dog."

"I think the only reason I know about Santa Maria is you and stabbings."

"Is she, it a lesbian, or Macaulay Culkin?"

Boss: "Oh, man, I have been burping like crazy!"

A: "You's the movie that when people talk about it they say, 'That's the female version of Big Trouble in Little China'?"
B: "The Notebook?"

Boss: "Do you know how hard it is for me to be sober during work hours?"

Boss: "And, because I'm black, I know how to get tickets."

Boss: "I swear to God, if I'm being punk'd, and Ashton Kutcher jumps out, I will beat Ashton Kutcher's ass."

"I'll take a human baby over a puppy any day."

"He's got three legs and he's tryin' to do the Iditarod?! That would suck!"

A: "Was there anything she was good at?"
B: "Sucking!"

A: "How's the spitting going?"
B: "Oh, it's fine, now I'm just spitting because there's a bag in front of me."

January 2010

"Is that Sally Bowles? Or is that Adam Lambert?"

"She's fucking gross. (beat:) Like, there are STDs named after her."

A: "I stayed up all night having sex with [Name Expunged]."
B: "No wonder you didn't want to go on the Teacups."

A: "She loves Jesus."
B: "Ah...more mangers than Jesus."

"I want to throw my panties at her just because she doesn't like it."

Re. a new hippie acquiantance:
"Within five minutes he was talkin' about Burning Man."

December 2009

"What happened to your marvelous sandwich-making?"

Child at Disneyland, re. Monstro: "Oh my God, it's an infected whale!"

"Mmmm, bandwidth. That's what Santa can get me for Christmas."

"I wonder if they sell knives on chains. (beat:) That's a good idea."

A: "What's your New Year's resolution?"
B: "To act like a slutty tourist?"

"I just said today I wanted to punch a kid in the heart."

"You know what?, I have examined a lot of vaginas, and I still don't know exactly where the pee hole is."

"Eww, this is gross: 'The Family that Plays Together'."

"...about as sexy as a punch in the balls. (beat:) Unless you're into that."

A: "What is it about your dad that you don't like?"
B: "Um...him."

"You know what?, he is dogmatic, he is lazy...and he wears mock turtlenecks."

"But you won't let people lust over your body when you go pee."

"You should always have lust in your heart."

"A) Who the fuck feeds a cat a hard-boiled egg?!"

A: "We've moved to the sexy part of the night."
B: "Cats vomiting hard-boiled eggs."

A: "What is that?"
B: "It's the fridge."
A: "Oh. (beat:) It sounds like a duck."

"I'm not perfect. I own guns and like to do it in the butt."

"Lasagna and's your perfect day."

Friday, November 20, 2009

November 2009

Boss: "Wanna know how many hookers I pass when I run at night?"

"His face looks like unbaked dough."

"Nothing says 'I love you, Mom' like a bottle of liquor."

"I didn't mean to call Adam Lambert gay."

"Who's up for some charred human remains?"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

October 2009

Boss: "I think I'm friends with a high-class hooker."

Re. woman holding a baby:
"Whoa, that lady is so tall she could dunk that baby!"

(sigh:) "They just high-fived hating plays."

"I feel like he has a mental nipple problem."

"You guys, I didn't even know Sudoku had numbers for a while."

"Jon saw some guy slappin' his penis on the Walk of Fame."

"Well, in essence all vaginas are just depends on how far you go."

"Sociopaths are not dancers, crybaby gays are dancers."

A: "No. No. Ballerinas are sociopaths."
B: "That's true."

"It's funny, I've known you ten years but I'm always thrown off by how sedentary you are."

Boss: "A zombie event to benefit brain cancer. How awesome is that?!"

"There's more to life than objectifying dogs."