May 2006

Assistant: "Sir?"
Boss: "Yes?"
Assistant: "There's a 'Freddy' on the line for you."
Boss: "I'll take her!"
-pause-
Assistant: "Sir?"
Boss: "Yes?"
Assistant: "It's not Freddi Gelfand. Rappaport. Whatever her name is...it's a boy."
-5/2

Outraged coworker: "I knew it!...these penis enlargement emails are so tricky!"
-5/4

"I keep running into Jen Beeman and it's starting to drive me crazy. (beat:) Did I tell you about the time I was locked in a box with her for five hours?"
-5/5

"I feel like I'm in a waiting room in the seventies!"
-5/5

"Twins?!, with Danny DeVito?! No wonder you became a lesbian!"
-5/5

"We can't look homeless, we're wearing pastels."
-5/7

"I only like the big poodles...they're sophisticated. Like Emmylou Harris."
-5/7

"I don't get David Blaine. I don't get it, Lindsay!...who is this Man of Magic?"
-5/8

"Ohhh boy those Catholics...they sure do put on a mass."
-5/19

"Oh, do you want to hear the ring I have for Parents? It's so annoying!"
-5/21

"The longer you chat, the more bananas I'm gonna eat. Stop me."
-5/21

"I don't know what I'm gonna wind up doing. I can't really imagine doing anything professional, unless it's just fucking around."
-5/21

Assistant: "Sir?"
Boss: "Don't talk to me. It's Game Seven."
-5/22

Re. Goebbels:
"Not that I'm pro-Nazi Party or anything, but I can appreciate a really good event planner."
-5/26

A: "I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you."
B: "Oh, that's so sweet!"
-5/28

On phone:
"Okay, enjoy Hotel Rwanda!"
-5/28

A: "I also cannot stand Cedric the Entertainer!"
B: "Mmm-mmmm!"
A: "See?! Nina's half black, and she doesn't like him either!"
-5/29

"Would you stop it?! Jesus Christ -- go get your burrito."
-5/29