February 2005

"You just committed musical murder."
-2/3

"He was born with just a nub, and girls loved the nub love, he just had a nub, and he was hot."
-2/3

A, B (singing): "Announcements, Announcements, Announcements --"
C (spoken, aside): "Wait, is there an announcement, or is this it?"
-2/3

"You could have died with your dick outta your pants, and it would have been dishonorable!"
-2/3

"Wait! I have putty in my hand. I hope you're okay with that."
-2/3

A: "I have fucked up everything in this apartment."
B: "No, you have not -- just sit down, we're gonna play Catchphrase."
-2/3

"Plus, Tim Curry's so weird, how could you not want to see him dressed as a pirate and surrounded by muppets?"
-2/5

Re. attending first-ever Superbowl party:
A: "How was it?"
B: "It was pretty much what you'd expect...lots of beer...and meats...and chips and dip...all of which I love."
-2/6

"Wait, I cut the fauxhawk because I wanted to ruin the wedding."
-2/10

"I'll call you about the wicker chair...it's important."
-2/10

"I almost knocked this beer bottle in my forehead-skull!"
-2/19

"Ooohh, the devil's gotta sit on a tack to stay!"
-2/19

A: "Did you just drop something?"
B: "Yes I did...it was the macaroni puzzle."
-2/23

Urgently:
"Quick, before Allegra sees the beans!!"
-2/23

A: "Did you sell wares?!"
B: "At the Renaissance Faire? [Person A nods.] NO!...I did hair-braiding."
-2/24

"God damn it, Oprah Winfrey, stop presenting things!"
-2/24

"BRING me a lesbian!! Bring it, crack it, bring it!!!!"
-2/25

A: "What was the name of your vibrator, was it Pedro -- or Paco?"
B: "No, it was my first one, Sergei."
A: "What?, why did I say Pedro? Where did that come from?"
-pause-
C: "My first goat's name was Pedro."
-2/25

Re. a hospital restroom:
A: "Good lord, that smells really bad!"
-beat-
B (matter-of-factly): "It always smells like cinnamon to me."
-2/25

"Your coat is on the couch...uh...davenport."
-2/25

"Lindsay, hold on, can I call you 'Lindsay Rae, Born in May'??"
-2/25

"Don't get me tappin'!"
-2/25

"I want you to make fun of me, that's why I fell in love with you!"
-2/25

A: "One day- we are going to make dinner. And then we are going to play music. And we will dance, because we are dancers!!"
B: "Wait...wait...do you believe it?"
A: "And I think we should move the furniture out of the way, and drink lots of wine and dance."
-2/25

"I said, 'I'm gonna wear these pearls for the rest of my life!!' And I thought, I'm exquisite!"
-2/25

A: "Are you gonna eat that?"
B: "I can."
A: "Well, I don't want it in my boobs."
-2/25

"Hey!, have you seen our bonsai tree?"
-2/25

"Don't talk to me, okay?!! Don't talk to me about organization!!"
-2/25

"I was in this show last summer, and this old man who worked in the theater -- he was like eighty -- he said I had a classic nose -- and I was like, 'You're Eighty!!'"
-2/25

"They're straight men...in order to deal with the feathers, they get shit-faced."
-2/25

"Put the cigarette in the fucking hole in the fucking ashtray and stop your whining!"
-2/25

"You guys, you guys, I want to make a toast to the lead singer of the Darkness."
-2/25

"She gets two dimples, two, I get one. She gets two. Awesome."
-2/25

A: "Whose phone can I use? Whose? Can I use this?"
B: "Sure!"
A: "Whose phone is it, is it yours?"
B: "No, I thought it was, but it's not."
-2/25

"And air it! And air it! And oh my God I got somethin' on my shoe!"
-2/25

A: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
B: "Bedazzling!, you wanna come?!?!"
-2/25

"-- like, fast vibrato, West Side Story shit!!"
-2/26

"I wasn't gonna touch it, don't back away like a skittish cat."
-2/26

"The first time I got drunk, I was backstage helping some drag queens get dressed-- I don't even know how I got there."
-2/26

"I took out another student loan, and I thought to myself, 'Fuck this shit, I'm gonna buy myself some Dolly Parton!'...Interest be damned."
-2/26

"OH my GOD!! Someone's cell phone is ringing!! Stop the party!!"
-2/26

"Pamela Mackey equals ass crack all the time!!"
-2/26

"You will ruin the batch for everyone with your saliva beads."
-2/26

"It must have been love, but it's over now...where's my cocktail??"
-2/26

"I was like, number one, passive-aggressive. Number two, GAY."
-2/26

"Yes!, that's what I meant! When I said 'toga', I meant 'Flintstones'!!"
-2/26

"Every cat I have is gay. [pause:] Aunt Mary? BIG dyke!!"
-2/26

"Thank you for thinking of me. I'm getting a haircut...and a new outfit!"
-2/26

"Shirley Bassey, Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand. They're all the same, and they're all iconic."
-2/26

"Okay-- I'll have a woman on my thighs, and this one massaging. [pause:] Okay, go."
-2/26

"Are you kidding me with that boy?!?! Are you kidding me with this girl?!?! Are you KIDDING me with the crawfish on her pants?!?!?!"
-2/26

"Don't expose your neck if you don't want kisses!"
-2/28