January 2010

"Is that Sally Bowles? Or is that Adam Lambert?"
-1/1

"She's fucking gross. (beat:) Like, there are STDs named after her."
-1/3

A: "I stayed up all night having sex with [Name Expunged]."
B: "No wonder you didn't want to go on the Teacups."
-1/3

A: "She loves Jesus."
B: "Ah...more mangers than Jesus."
-1/7

"I want to throw my panties at her just because she doesn't like it."
-1/22

Re. a new hippie acquiantance:
"Within five minutes he was talkin' about Burning Man."
-1/27

November 2009

Boss: "Wanna know how many hookers I pass when I run at night?"
-11/9

"His face looks like unbaked dough."
-11/15

"Nothing says 'I love you, Mom' like a bottle of liquor."
-11/19

"I didn't mean to call Adam Lambert gay."
-11/24

"Who's up for some charred human remains?"
-11/25

May 2009

"Their panties are like sweatpants for your vagina."

-5/3

"It's the whole 'lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.' (beat:) I hate Usher, but that was wise."

-5/3

Boss: "Thank you for allowing me to panic with you this afternoon."
-5/8

"Do you know what Rhode Island is known for? Their seafood, seashore and costume jewelry."
-5/13

Boss: "I learned about sausages this morning."
-5/13

Boss: "Can I get back to you? I'm in the middle of a Twitter emergency."
-5/15

A: "Are you a hippie?"
B: "No, but I do prefer going barefoot."
-5/18

A: "Did you vote last night?"
B: "Yeah, I actually voted for some of the propositions."
--beat--
A: "No, I mean for Idol!"
-5/20

"I'm not worried about the Bacon Beat."
-5/20

"Hey, I like bacon and maple syrup as much as the next guy, but not with alcohol."
-5/20

"Isn't this great? You can do your own dental work now!"
-5/20

"He kinda looks like a seal with a headdress."

-5/20

"It's hard to hate a guy that's so nice...but it's not impossible."
-5/22

"A hug from behind's fine, but, like...a linger from behind?"

-5/24

"Come on, California. How am I ever supposed to have forbidden pre- or extra-marital sex? Give me some 'marital' to work with."
-5/27

"Who do I really hate? Do I hate anyone here? (beat:) Oh, crap! I forgot to call Joe back!"

August 2007

"…and, honestly, I don't give a shit about the word 'ergo'."
-8/1

A: "Neil looks gayer than usual!"
B: "Yeah he does…he looks like Lurch!"
-8/2

"Lately he's been staying upstairs…I don't know why, it's so hot up there. (beat:) I think he's going insane."
-8/2

"That's gonna be my start -- save up, I'm gonna get that bra."
-8/2

A: "Wait, how come he doesn't speak English?"
B: "Because he's foreign."
-8/2

"…one girl was like, 'I'd scrape that shit off and put it on your pillowcase', and I was like, 'I don't want to be your roommate!'"
-8/2

"Maybe he's embarrassed to be a cat, and he wants to be a human, so when no one's around he's all, 'Hey, rub my pecs.'"
-8/2

Triumphantly:
"So maybe that's what he's repressing -- not his emotions but his gayness!!"
-8/2

"…and you're like, 'Oh, that dude just plays the accordion', but really he's fuckin' some guy in the bathroom."
-8/2

A: "What are you talking about?"
B: "Your obtrusive burp…on my coughing escapade."
-8/2

"I'm sure there are some respectable women who are hookers."
-8/2

A: "Did we just get scared by some rustlin'??"
B: "Yeah, and that fuckin' human-dog!"
-8/2

"I think it's a city story. (beat:) Wait, what were we talking about again?"
-8/2

A: "At least she doesn't have a fountain!"
B: "A hippie fountain!"
A: "A hippie fountain with lasers in it!"
-8/2

A: "Is he retarded?"
B: "No."
A: "Is he old?"
B: "No. He's from New York."
-8/2

"I was just trying to inject a little levity…cervix it is!"
-8/2

"How did nature create a bird that looks like that?! That's just off the hook."
-8/3

A: "Are you okay?"
B: "No…I need candy or Tums."
-8/7

Re. comparing cats to countries:
"And Keelo, 'cause he runs away, could be -- what's a pussy nation? France."
-8/8

A: "Is he gonna be gay?"
B: "No, he's an Aries."
-8/12

A: "Bacon has nothing your body can use."
B: "Yeah, I know -- let's just stop talking about it!"
-8/12

"I'm so excited about this, I feel like I'm gonna barf nachos in like thirty minutes."
-8/12

"…It's fucked up. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? It's wrong."
-8/12

A: "What's your beef with Hostel all of a sudden?"
B: "Ehh…I watched it."
-8/13

Awkward intern guy, upon being asked 'How was your weekend?': "My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting…"
-8/14

Re. Mary Murphy of "So You Think You Can Dance":
"Do you think when they were casting this they said, 'Are you as retarded as Paula Abdul?' 'Yes.' 'You're hired'?"
-8/16

A: "She looks like she should be on top of a cake in that outfit."
-beat-
B: "Or poppin' out of one."
-8/16

Re. "Knock On Wood":
"This song reminds me of Judge Judy."
-8/16

"Hold on. Was he the white guy that was all…weird?"
-8/16

Defensively:
"I'm not Boner and Balls!!"
-8/16

A: "You like Boner though?"
B: "Yeah, Boner's strong."
-8/16

"Totally!! There's gay cycling over there!! I'm all about it."
-8/16

"Wait, what were we talking about before I so rudely…tripped?"
-8/16

A: "She took lemons and made lemonade."
B: "It took her two days."
-beat-
A: "She broke her toe."
-8/17

A: "I dick around all the time online."
B: "Right, so wouldn't you like to have something quality to do online?"
-8/17

"Yeah, it was like a python spitting up large eggs -- that's what I pictured."
-8/17

A: "I used to take trampolining classes in high school."
B: "What?!"
-8/17

"I'll be back (points at beer:) -- no roofies."
-8/17

"Yeah, it's like a -- it's like a shiny hot dog."
-8/17

"…like, she's beautiful, like I want to hang her on my wall as a picture…like, her skin…ewww!"
-8/17

"Wow, you wear that like a…badge you shouldn't wear."
-8/17

"Who with eyeballs would be like, 'Yeah, this is for me'?"
-8/17

"No offense, but I hope you die."
-8/17

Re. "Hairspray":
"I think it's better than Chicago because -- aside from the segregation -- it's a really happy movie!"
-8/18

A: "Did you call me, Rob?"
B: "No."
A: "What can I do for you?"
B: "Nothing."
-8/18

"Is that a hookah or a lamp?"
-8/18

"They're lesbians…they're very nice though! (pause:) I shouldn't say 'though'."
-8/18

"There was one guy who looked like Jesus…but like a warrior Gandalf Jesus?"
-8/18

"So imagine a homeless crazy person…as a squirrel."
-8/18

"P.S. Did I tell you I decided I like gumbo?"
-8/18

"When I look back all I remember is him whining…and stepping on my breasts."
-8/19

"He's just tedious…like the Mad Hatter."
-8/19

"Come on! Sex is funny, and combined with my cat it's double funny!"
-8/19

"Well, either way this is great news for Bill Clinton!"
-8/22

A: "Can I tell you a story?"
B: "Please do."
A: "Well, it's not as fun…but it's about my medication?"
-8/22

"There's a tremendous power in not caring, you know?"
-8/23

A: "What's that over there?"
B: "I don't know…I can see some Om symbols and a lot of bling."
-8/23

Boss on phone: "Well…guess who one of them was?! Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was!"
-8/28

"The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!"
-8/28

"(Gasp:) A wizard fight?!?"
-8/29

A: "So her mom and who are going to be over there?"
B: "Her grandma."
A: "Oh my God!!"
-8/31

"He's like a real-life imaginary thing!!"
-8/31

"…'cause he's gonna be a big douche -- sorry, Grandma."
-8/31

GRANDKID: "I'm sorry Grandma, this is all gossip!"
GRANDMA: "That's why I'm listening."
-8/31

"It's not like you're adding razzle-dazzle, you're adding shit to your burrito!"
-8/31

A: "It's, like, the weirdest matchup ever."
B: "I know."
A: "…Except for the hippo and the alligator in Fantasia."
-8/31