April 2007

"I don't like it when people are needy and then tell me I'm awesome."
-4/4

Receptionist at the Braille Institute, on phone: "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
Masaki: "Masaki."
Receptionist: (laughter) "That's a funny name..." (more laughter)
Masaki: "And you are?"
Receptionist: "Oh, I'm Mr. Quackenbush."
-4/4

"I need to get a chinchilla one day. Like, when there's enough room to have the snake and the chinchilla in separate rooms."
-4/7

"See, this is what makes me a bad Jew. I...I don't make good purchases."
-4/7

A: "I didn't know there were French rappers.
-beat-
B: "Let me introduce you to World Music."
-4/7

"Reconstructive memory's a bitch!!...why am I defending Dido's drummer?!"
-4/8

"It was more of a cookie than anything I've ever seen...I mean, except for other cookies."
-4/8

Re. colorblindness:
"So what does weed look like to him normally?!...probably a cookie!"
-4/8

Re. Label-On-Postcard:
"It's making me an old lady quicker than I want to be."
-4/8

A: "Just...blame it on Mars."
B: "What?!"
A: "Mars is the fiery red planet that rules me...and makes me crazy!"
-4/10

"Why do you like Gollum so much?! Why are you always defending him when I rip him an asshole?!"
-4/10

Re. Sally Field:
A: "You just don't think about her."
B: "Unless you're thinking about Steel Magnolias."
A: "Or...Widget?"
-4/11

"Sorry, sorry!...I was trying to affectionately touch you."
-4/11

"Blair's like a ninety-year-old man. She's like the Dalai Lama."
-4/12

"I miss Hugh Downs. (beat:) Is he dead?"
-4/13

"...but not Russell Crowe! Not Russell Crowe. He is...he is a pile of beef stew, that's all he is."
-4/13

"I just feel that pimp suits in other times didn't have such big shoulder pads."
-4/13

"Don't get hot and bothered again, we have to eat dinner."
-4/16

"I don't know what to say. (beat:) I will say that my grandparents bought a Prius."
-4/17

"This Lite ice cream really does have half the fat and all the taste!"
-4/17

"McRory is like...Big Toe with arms!"
-4/21

A: "Did I make a grammatical mistake?"
-beat-
B: "I'm not sure. But it was funny the way I interpreted it."
-4/21

While listening to Joanna Newsom's Ys:
A: "Tom, are you high right now?"
-beat-
B: "Not enough."
-4/21

"I don't know, I'm just about to kiss my fucking brother-in-law...with a Samurai ponytail!"
-4/21

Re. Jeff Buckley:
"He's like Joan Baez at the Olympics."
-4/21

A: "Is it the croissant of meat?"
B: "Yeah, it's pompous."
-4/21

A: "I just don't like the words 'Philly Cheesesteak'."
B: "Why?"
-beat:-
A: "I think it's the 'Philly' that throws me off."
-4/24

A: "I think I've made my point."
B: "Whatever, Linds, I'm the one who compressed that burp!"
-4/24

"If it has made its way to reality TV, it is happenin' in the heartlands."
-4/24

"Imagine if Prince was a chick. (beat:) She would be so fuckin' crazy!"
-4/24

Thoughtfully, re. Munchos:
"I don't really like Pringles that much. (pause:) These at least have their own shape."
-4/25

A (accusingly): "Have you had Monster today?!"
B: "No!...I'm just excited to be talking about comics."-4/27

"Justin is gaaaay...either gay or a womanizer."
-4/28

"This place is, like, full of uncomfortable textures."
-4/29