"They are a family to whom God gave the wife a cast-iron uterus."
-9/1
An instant messenger chat excerpt:
I just typed this!!!
"do you think it is insensitive to have an ice cream social on sept. 11th?"
-9/2
An instant messenger chat excerpt:
you know, rescheduling this ice cream social means that the terrorists DID win\
-9/2
"Christmas is comin', and you know what that means! (beat:) Someone's gettin' cable!"
-9/2
"What??! They stole your boat and gave you a noodle?!?!"
-9/2
"I think you're ready for the leaking-fluid photo spot if you need it."
-9/3
"Baby Jesus is against shrimp-flavored crackers."
-9/3
Boss re. online video: "You want to listen to it again so you can hear the 'fuck it'?"
-9/3
"Arhhhhhh!, I missed Bob Dylan last night -- that's why the Lord put me to sleep!"
-9/4
"I don't want to eat pussy -- but I like hangin' out with ya!"
-9/6
"Star Wars boy -- one with the yarmulke? -- he may be coming."
-9/6
"Writing and sex are different!"
-9/9
An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: by garden squirrel you mean the plastic one that was in your room that Django loves?
B: no, the other one, the one that used to hold my keys
-9/11
"Wait, it's a wedding and a basketball game?!"
-9/12
"It modulates the amplitude...right?"
-9/12
"He resembles a lot of mammals."
-9/16
"Oh my God I love those mug shots!"
-9/17
"There's nothing erotic about beer pong."
-9/17
"Sean is like the funnier, meaner, Richard Simmons."
-9/18
Boss: "Should I give this porn star money?"
-9/18
Boss: "Oohh! NFL's hottest Latino cheerleaders!"
-9/18
A: "Do you want to go to the breastmilk restaurant?"
-beat-
B: "Yeah, kinda!"
-9/18
Re. "extreme bocce":
A: "What makes it extreme?"
B: "Cactus."
-9/20
A: "He's probably just praisin' Jesus."
B: "He's about to invade Poland!"
-9/20
"He likes to look at cats he doesn't like!!"
-9/20
"You know, another way I don't want to die is to be mauled to death by a dog."
-9/22
Boss, re. coworker's child: "That was a pretty adorable fella, I gotta say. (beat:) No more abortions."
-9/23
Boss: "I want a midget and a juice machine."
-9/26
"All right -- well, if Kennedy doesn't die, someone's gonna have to answer to me."
-9/26
Boss to employee: "Are you a fan of vampires?"
-9/29
Boss: "When you have kids are you gonna take them to court?"
Employee: "What?!"
Boss: "I mean, church?"
-9/30
Showing posts with label Hitler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hitler. Show all posts
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, July 30, 2006
July 2006
"Do you need anything from my Apt.? No. The answer is no, unless what you need is soymilk...or a hamster."
-7/2
A: "What's that? Bibi slash?"
B: "No, get-well-soon pen."
-7/3
"Jenean, you work in Brentwood, can you explain the appeal of clogs?"
-7/3
"Thank you Jesus for not fucking me over."
-7/3
"Just use a goddamn O.B. -- I'll put it in for you."
-7/8
A: "Did you Google 'defiant kitten'?"
B: "Yes. And we found CKS -- Crazy Kitten Syndrome."
-7/15
Jenean: "I hate roommates! I'm glad I have Lindsay."
-7/15
"Man, these guys are fast! It's like having a conversation with an old person!"
-7/15
"Yeah. Well, I've already seen Eddie Izzard. Not that I wouldn't watch it again, but I'd be more excited to watch Hitler."
-7/16
"She's cute. I wish she was a puppy sometimes so we could get her clothes."
-7/18
-7/2
A: "What's that? Bibi slash?"
B: "No, get-well-soon pen."
-7/3
"Jenean, you work in Brentwood, can you explain the appeal of clogs?"
-7/3
"Thank you Jesus for not fucking me over."
-7/3
"Just use a goddamn O.B. -- I'll put it in for you."
-7/8
A: "Did you Google 'defiant kitten'?"
B: "Yes. And we found CKS -- Crazy Kitten Syndrome."
-7/15
Jenean: "I hate roommates! I'm glad I have Lindsay."
-7/15
"Man, these guys are fast! It's like having a conversation with an old person!"
-7/15
"Yeah. Well, I've already seen Eddie Izzard. Not that I wouldn't watch it again, but I'd be more excited to watch Hitler."
-7/16
"She's cute. I wish she was a puppy sometimes so we could get her clothes."
-7/18
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
November 2005
"It's only two minutes...what's that gonna do? (beat:) A red ass is what that's gonna do!!"
-11/3
"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4
A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5
Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5
"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5
A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5
A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5
"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5
"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5
"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5
"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5
A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6
"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6
A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7
"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7
"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7
"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8
"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12
"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12
"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12
"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16
A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16
"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19
"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19
"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28
A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28
"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28
"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28
A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28
Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28
"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28
JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28
"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28
Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28
"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28
"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28
-11/3
"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4
A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5
Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5
"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5
A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5
A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5
"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5
"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5
"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5
"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5
A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6
"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6
A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7
"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7
"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7
"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8
"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12
"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12
"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12
"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16
A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16
"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19
"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19
"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28
A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28
"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28
"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28
A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28
Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28
"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28
JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28
"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28
Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28
"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28
"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28
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