January 2007

"You're so sweet lately! I'm so glad I got you fixed."
-1/2

"Do you think spraypaint will ruin my balloon?"
-1/5

A: "You are a balloon Nazi!"
B: "No! -- it's just -- they are the balloon Nazis!"
-1/5

"Yeah, it's just gross, kinda. It's not whimsical, it's not cute, it's just gross."
-1/9

"I saw the woman in the bottom right square, and I was like, 'I'll be damned if that is not Cybill Shepherd.' "
-1/10

"They just seem kind of...I mean, I know they eat bugs and stuff, but they seem kind of irrelevant."
-1/10

"Why does someone have to agree with you? You're having a drunken rant and we're laughing at it, that's it!"
-1/13

"Okay, who has seen Barbarella in this room?! (pause; only one person raises hand) That is a travesty!"
-1/13

"Yeah, I'm gonna need to lint-brush my couch. Won't be the first time."
-1/13

"I'm tellin' you, every celebration there is at least one ass slap."
-1/13

A: "Well, it seems like you have a nice voice...very Tom Waits-y."
-pause-
B: "I have a cold."
-1/16

"We've got big breaking news here! Snow in Malibu!...and you guys are playing Pac-Man?!"
-1/17

"Teenagers...vampires...trees and rain...I'm sold."
-1/18

July 2005

"Is that Jesus, or is that just a guy?"
-7/15

Man on cell in Sea-Tac passenger pickup area: "Jimmy said he saw you the other day...where you goin'? You ain't goin' to Costa Rica!"
-7/21

Outraged hippie to child: "I was not wearing flip-flops! I was barefoot, man, I wasn't wearing any shoes at all!"
-7/21

"I think I finally learned, like, for realsies, how to inhale."
-7/21

"I'm used to strange vehicles that are tearing through the desert, and sometimes sleeping in, because my mother is a gypsy."
-7/21

"It was a nonstop Reggaeton-fest. You're not in Chile anymore! Just accept it."
-7/21

A: (gasp) "Pam! I forgot you were the back-popping goddess!"
B: "Ladies! Change your tampons!"
C: "You're sitting on my tampon!"
-7/21

"I can show you a horrible picture. (gasp:) No, I can show you a good picture!"
-7/21

A: "Are we still talking about a straw?"
B: "Yes! We are talking about a straw and its wrapper!!"
-7/21

"Ooohh...me likee Sangria on a Sunday morning."
-7/21

"I think I'm gonna take another hit and play Zelda."
-7/22

Re. Zelda:
"Sometimes I wish I lived in this world...except that fucking owl!!"
-7/22

"Wait, the collective Mecca...Whole Foods!"
-7/24

"I haven't played in a fort for a long time. We should make one. And then play Guess Who."
-7/24

"It's just...a whole array of ill-fitting jeans...you know?"
-7/24

"No way! We used to rough up our animals and that's why they're all submissive."
-7/24

"But why is it 'Jimmy'? Is it, like, 'Jimmy crack corn and I don't care, mothafucka'??"
-7/24

"Raspy is the new cleavage!"
-7/24

"These earrings are crazy...they're like death-weapons!"
-7/24

A: "You've been to the Grove before."
B: "What is it?"
-beat-
A: "It's a fantasyland."
-7/24

Re. a broken giant pen:
"Lindsay, this is the highest thing ever...I don't know what to do!"
-7/24

Re. giant pen:
A: "Lindsay, I don't know what to do about this!"
B: "Just stick the spring in there and forget about it."
-7/24

A: "So you're saying an outside source is better?"
-really long pause-
B: "Yes."
-really long pause-
A: "Wait, what's an outside source again?"
-7/24

"I know, I'm super-pissed!!...but, I already have my shoes on, I just realized!"
-7/24

"Does this shirt make me look more high?"
-7/24

"Lindsay, stop freakin' out! Holding my arm like a bloody bitch ain't gonna help!"
-7/24

"Whoa, is that a dog, or is that a person?...looks like a monkey!"
-7/24

"Lindsay, is that a dog or a fire hydrant?!?"
-7/24

A: "I just realized there were tampons in the candle holder!"
B: "Next to the kazoo!"
-7/24

A: "Can't I wear my sunglasses in the store?"
B: "No."
-really long pause-
A: "Damn!"
-7/24

After trying unsuccessfully to put a key in a keyhole:
"Those anti-drug commercials are so true!!"
-7/24

"I feel like I'm the Rain Man...and you're Tom Cruise."
-7/24

"...like, it's still Proper Pam...but with weed!"
-7/24

"We can be funny but...that ain't no rock!"
-7/24

Re. cauliflower:
A: "Do you think this is still good?"
B: "No."
A: "Why?"
B: " 'Cause it fell on the floor."
-pause-
A: "Hmmm." (sets cauliflower floret on table)
-7/24

"He looks like he's trying to run with every inch of his life!...that makes sense...right?"
-7/24

"What's this word?...'R-I-R-E'?...Nine!!"
-7/24

"Please, please help me...I want some gyoza!"
-7/24

A: "I got the thoughts and you got the..."
-pause-
B: "Words?"
-7/24

A: "I'm so excited right now!"
-pause-
B: "I can't stop grabbing my breast."
-7/24

Woman in bookstore, excitedly: "Cat On a Hot Tin Roof!! (pause -- then, disappointed:) Ohhhh, it's the play."
-7/28