August 2008

Boss: "What was the drink I was going to drink?"
Peon: "Hemlock."
-beat-
Boss: "Thank you!"
-8/1

"You're still thinking about it. (beat:) Because I was thinking you had a mild case of Tourette's."
-8/12

"It's like Polarfleece for your lady parts."
-8/14

"They let skinheads in there, of course they're gonna let a penis in!"
-8/14

"You met Mo. She used to put sugar gliders in her boobs."
-8/14

"A giant penis. You know what that is to a baby?! A slide."
-8/14

"That's okay. But it doesn't make it Hawaiian, it makes it pork-lovin'!"
-8/15

"I had an ex-boyfriend who was Hawaiian, and his slang made me want to kill myself."
-8/15

"You know what?! You can't spill a baby, they'll die."
-8/15

"I would love to get your sperm in the mail."
-8/15

"Lindsay, please. (beat:) I always have paper."
-8/15

"A village fucks a baby."
-8/15

"I'm going to the bathroom with Pam because apparently I'm a woman."
-8/15

"I respect art when it goes balls-to-the-wall."
-8/15

"You know I will find a drag queen event to wear that to."
-8/15

"You looked at Disneyland with disdain and I was ready to brawl."
-8/15

"About Disney -- about transgendered people -- about everything."
-8/15

"I felt so much more comfortable with who I am when I found out I shared a birthday with [Ellen DeGeneres] and Eddie Van Halen."
-8/16

"I got written up for having a conversation with a customer about bestiality."
-8/16

"I love Pam. Pam changed me once."
-8/16

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
the puppets were SO scary
i don't care if they were singing about jesus or not!
-8/25

Boss, re. evolution: "Why are there still monkeys?"
-8/25

"Does Jesus mess with me about dating young girls? No. Therefore, he can hurricane whatever he wants."
-8/28

"I'm namin' my first son Dio."
-8/28

"You are so lucky he doesn't have an opposable thumb."
-8/29

"It shows what a fine line it is between finding a drinking buddy and committing manslaughter."
-8/31