Re. online jeans shopping:
"These cheap Monday skinnies are not unisex!"
-10/5
"She's in Dubai?!...it's like the Amelie dwarf!"
-10/5
"Sounds like the Chipmunks in a swordfight!"
-10/5
"Oh my gosh!...rapping robots started a fight!"
-10/5
"Crap!...here I am drunk, trying to explain physics."
-10/6
Re. office holiday party:
"You go in there...you've got that gift exchange. It's like you're walking into a funeral."
-10/9
A: "I think it's just something she likes to do when she's bored."
B: "Wheeze?"
A: "Hack."
-10/12
"...and in my head I was like, 'Oh my God, we just broke up in my head.'"
-10/13
On phone:
A (Pacific time): "It's very late there."
B (Eastern time): "Yes, and I have to get up for my trapeze class in the morning."
-10/13
"Eating this fruit without looking at it is so much easier."
-10/14
"She's like...a nonfunny Margaret Cho."
-10/17
"His opinions and values are the lowest common denominator of humanity...I'd love to stomp him in a street fight!"
-10/17
"Come closer...I'm gonna fuck you up!"
-10/17
A: "I love that...walls breathing."
B: "I've had enough of walls breathing!"
-10/17
"...he sent out a MySpace thing, and it was Jesus doing a beer bong, and I was like, 'That's not really classy.'"
-10/18
"...very tall girls with a country attitude-- that's what I saw."
-10/18
Re. heating bill:
"I mean, that's what I was thinking about, I wasn't thinking about...cocks."
-10/19
A: "Oh my God! I might have to break up with Courtney!"
B: "What?"
A: "India.Arie."
-10/19
"It's like breakin' the fourth wall...in sculpture."
-10/19
A: "Is that the creepy gnome?"
B: "The one that looks like it's masturbating?"
A: (nods)
B: "Yeah."
-10/19
"That girl consumed more ranch than anyone I've ever seen!"
-10/19
"Whoa, whoa, whoa...is this Seal?!"
-10/19
"...but if I was a teacher I would have to wear chunky jewelry!"
-10/19
"Cybill Shepherd is a poor man's Murphy Brown!"
-10/20
"Can I say something funny about meth?"
-10/20
"You cannot tell if an Asian lesbian is a guy or a girl."
-10/20
"Awww, well he thinks it's cute, but I think it's disgusting!"
-10/20
"Okay, why the F would you even consider putting breastmilk in your coffee?!"
-10/21
A: "So is she like a serious top?"
B: "No, more like a kid in a candy store."
-10/21
"Bubble's in Parliament, y'all!"
-10/21
"Hey! You know what?! You get the Little Rascals out of your head!"
-10/22
"Eww...poop goes in the toilet, an outhouse or on the ground!"
-10/24
"I don't think they were actual lesbians...they were just old ladies."
-10/24
"I can't believe you pantsed your date. Who does that?!"
-10/24
"Lindsay, it's too early. If I can't think about the D-Zone I can't think about abortion."
-10/27
"Yeah, he does kinda look like Jake...but only if Jake was more Asian."
-10/27
"I had to throw that penis in 'cause everyone else was."
-10/28
"...I mean, they're just tiny people...it's not like their penis has gangrene or something."
-10/28
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
October 2007
Labels:
breastmilk,
chunky jewelry,
Cybill Shepherd,
gays,
gnomes,
Jesus,
robots,
social networking,
the D-Zone
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
September, 2006
"Jupiter is not aligned with Mars but your vagina is."
-9/1
A: "How's that rollin' up your pants going?"
B: "It's pretty fun, actually!"
-9/1
"You're gonna ask Pam for advice about the belt, or Hitler?"
-9/7
A: "Do you think I'm going to hell for that?"
B: "No!! Hitler's in my Top 8!!"
-9/7
"That's a good attitude, pal...Hey, put that cookie down!!"
-9/8
"Roseanne is Roseanne, but when she had children she was fuckin' Roseanne, you know?"
-9/8
A: "Somethin' about little boys going on adventures."
B: "She does love little boys going on adventures."
-9/8
"My mom had this friend who was just like her-- only older and fatter, but just like her."
-9/8
"Then I thought it was Lindsay, but then I thought, 'No way, there was way too much effort put into this profile.' "
-9/8
"My Fair Lady! It's gay in a homosexual way."
-9/9
A: "What's the redhead's name?"
B: "Annie Potts."
A: "You mean your left boob?"
B: "Yes."
-9/9
"So it started out as a feminist issue and then it became about pigs."
-9/11
While reading a contract:
Boss: "It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple'. It can't be the same thing!"
-9/11
A: "Remember Maureen said bring good-luck charms to work?"
B: "What?"
C: "She said she's gonna bust out some rosary beads and a Mary."
-9/12
"Dare I ask, though? I don't know if I could even handle a big ball of dough right now."
-9/12
"That is a great find, and I would so rock it if it didn't smell like armpit."
-9/16
"Come on! We are so considerate! I'm over this."
-9/16
"Oh, that's what I meant-- a sled dog, not a horse."
-9/16
"Whatever, you guys all said Louis Armstrong just because he's black."
-9/16
A: "You do have toothpicks?"
B: "Of course, I use them to test my cakes!"
-9/20
"I guess so. But there's a part of stampeding that I'm, like, really against."
-9/20
"Domesticated role-playing games?! Lame!"
-9/20
"I have to show you some pictures of my cats. I am that person."
-9/22
"Oh, yeah, I was going to online-order. Because it's so much easier than dealing with a human."
-9/22
"How would you describe flan?...It looks like creme brulee but it tastes like butt."
-9/22
"Shut up! I hate you and I hate the way you move your hands when you talk!"
-9/22
"So then I was thinking, don't boy cats have teats? Or am I just thinking of men?"
-9/24
A: "But Lindsay, you have to ask yourself this: do you really want a bead curtain?"
B: "No."
A: "Exactly."
-9/24
On phone:
"Well, Max is a great guy. Charles is a great guy, too. It's all going to come down to how you feel. (pause:) Yes, it is just like 'Two Princes' by the Spin Doctors."
-9/25
"Yes. The name of the printer is Shalom Printing. (beat:) He's vegan."
-9/26
"Well, you wouldn't be scared if I wasn't here rustling this paper!"
-9/26
"Perhaps not in this situation, but I know I'm correct."
-9/26
"Lindsay, in a few years from now, we'll come back to this conversation-- and you tell me Joe Schmoe Thai Guy isn't crazy."
-9/26
A: "Is that weird?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Why?"
-pause-
B: "You like dog shows!"
-9/26
-9/1
A: "How's that rollin' up your pants going?"
B: "It's pretty fun, actually!"
-9/1
"You're gonna ask Pam for advice about the belt, or Hitler?"
-9/7
A: "Do you think I'm going to hell for that?"
B: "No!! Hitler's in my Top 8!!"
-9/7
"That's a good attitude, pal...Hey, put that cookie down!!"
-9/8
"Roseanne is Roseanne, but when she had children she was fuckin' Roseanne, you know?"
-9/8
A: "Somethin' about little boys going on adventures."
B: "She does love little boys going on adventures."
-9/8
"My mom had this friend who was just like her-- only older and fatter, but just like her."
-9/8
"Then I thought it was Lindsay, but then I thought, 'No way, there was way too much effort put into this profile.' "
-9/8
"My Fair Lady! It's gay in a homosexual way."
-9/9
A: "What's the redhead's name?"
B: "Annie Potts."
A: "You mean your left boob?"
B: "Yes."
-9/9
"So it started out as a feminist issue and then it became about pigs."
-9/11
While reading a contract:
Boss: "It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple'. It can't be the same thing!"
-9/11
A: "Remember Maureen said bring good-luck charms to work?"
B: "What?"
C: "She said she's gonna bust out some rosary beads and a Mary."
-9/12
"Dare I ask, though? I don't know if I could even handle a big ball of dough right now."
-9/12
"That is a great find, and I would so rock it if it didn't smell like armpit."
-9/16
"Come on! We are so considerate! I'm over this."
-9/16
"Oh, that's what I meant-- a sled dog, not a horse."
-9/16
"Whatever, you guys all said Louis Armstrong just because he's black."
-9/16
A: "You do have toothpicks?"
B: "Of course, I use them to test my cakes!"
-9/20
"I guess so. But there's a part of stampeding that I'm, like, really against."
-9/20
"Domesticated role-playing games?! Lame!"
-9/20
"I have to show you some pictures of my cats. I am that person."
-9/22
"Oh, yeah, I was going to online-order. Because it's so much easier than dealing with a human."
-9/22
"How would you describe flan?...It looks like creme brulee but it tastes like butt."
-9/22
"Shut up! I hate you and I hate the way you move your hands when you talk!"
-9/22
"So then I was thinking, don't boy cats have teats? Or am I just thinking of men?"
-9/24
A: "But Lindsay, you have to ask yourself this: do you really want a bead curtain?"
B: "No."
A: "Exactly."
-9/24
On phone:
"Well, Max is a great guy. Charles is a great guy, too. It's all going to come down to how you feel. (pause:) Yes, it is just like 'Two Princes' by the Spin Doctors."
-9/25
"Yes. The name of the printer is Shalom Printing. (beat:) He's vegan."
-9/26
"Well, you wouldn't be scared if I wasn't here rustling this paper!"
-9/26
"Perhaps not in this situation, but I know I'm correct."
-9/26
"Lindsay, in a few years from now, we'll come back to this conversation-- and you tell me Joe Schmoe Thai Guy isn't crazy."
-9/26
A: "Is that weird?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Why?"
-pause-
B: "You like dog shows!"
-9/26
Labels:
ball of dough,
boobs,
Designing Women,
gays,
Roseanne,
vagina
August, 2006
"Okay, we need to, like, see Dave Navarro so I can confirm that I hate him."
-8/2
"I'm sorry you love him, Lindsay...I mean, that I don't like him."
-8/2
"Oh, I can't do it Wednesday. (dejectedly:) I have to go to the Improv."
-8/7
Re. Luna bars:
"I think they're too dry. (beat:) And then when I'm eating it I'm like, 'I wish this was real food.' " -8/7
"Well, I met one of his friends yesterday; A) his name was Cisco, and B) he was a doofus."
-8/10
"Well, I have two nickels and a penny, but I'm sure I'm gonna burp again."
-8/11
"Well, I'm doing a whole timeline. (disdainfully:) But I'm skipping the part with the actress woman, 'cause she was a wreck."
-8/14
"I've got goosebumps...and a hangover! Life is good!"
-8/18
On phone:
"I look forward to seeing you! I'll come home and wash the sheets."
-8/18
A: "...Dyke, right?"
B: "Mmm, I don't think so. I think she's just fat."
-8/22
"He's like Nic Harcourt, but for the whole world!"
-8/31
-8/2
"I'm sorry you love him, Lindsay...I mean, that I don't like him."
-8/2
"Oh, I can't do it Wednesday. (dejectedly:) I have to go to the Improv."
-8/7
Re. Luna bars:
"I think they're too dry. (beat:) And then when I'm eating it I'm like, 'I wish this was real food.' " -8/7
"Well, I met one of his friends yesterday; A) his name was Cisco, and B) he was a doofus."
-8/10
"Well, I have two nickels and a penny, but I'm sure I'm gonna burp again."
-8/11
"Well, I'm doing a whole timeline. (disdainfully:) But I'm skipping the part with the actress woman, 'cause she was a wreck."
-8/14
"I've got goosebumps...and a hangover! Life is good!"
-8/18
On phone:
"I look forward to seeing you! I'll come home and wash the sheets."
-8/18
A: "...Dyke, right?"
B: "Mmm, I don't think so. I think she's just fat."
-8/22
"He's like Nic Harcourt, but for the whole world!"
-8/31
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