March 2008

"Picture a cross between Harry Carey and one of the Three Musketeers. And that's this guy."
-3/3

"Fish guts is like a rectum if you think about it...and that's no fun."
-3/3

"You'd think it was gonna be creepy, but mostly it was just retarded."
-3/3

Re. fruit:
A: "That one's moldy."
B: "It's cool."
A: "I'm helping!"
-3/3

"This is just like Charlotte's Web but without the sadness."
-3/3

A: "Are you guys talkin' about me?"
B: "No...we were talking about balls, and your name came up."
-3/3

"I forgot that my friend is running for the Congress today!"
-3/4

"I'm very excited! I get to fight with a broadsword tonight, and tomorrow I'm flying a plane!"
-3/4

An instant message chat transcript excerpt:
A: yeah, fuck puppy mills
B: seriously!!!!!
A: not the puppies, but the mills
-3/6

"Ed requires a level of patience that is reserved for the parents of special-needs children."
-3/6

Lesbian: "Do you know how I knew I was gay? The Mask of Zorro."
Straight Lady: "That's how Jon knew he was straight!"
-3/8

A: "It's good exercise."
B: "What is? The gym?"
-3/8

"I'm open to anything...as long as it doesn't involve genitals."
-3/8

A: "I talked to Taylor Dayne today."
B (gasp): "The Taylor Dayne?!"
-3/10

"She was so upbeat. I expected her to be a coked-out hag but she was so upbeat!"
-3/10

"If I had special powers I'd be taller and I'd have my afro back."
-3/18

A: "They hang out and meditate and eat soup together?!"
B (nods): "And maybe a light salad."
-3/20

A: "Does she have a clotting disorder?!"
B: "No, she dances on a pole!"
-3/21

"Yeah, you know me. Always Asian-ing it up."
-3/22

"I don't know - I feel - I can't stop rubbin' myself!"
-3/22

"But it all ends up at Christopher Walken. So it's good, it's good."
-3/22

"Vomit comes out; I've vomited on half my clothes."
-3/22

"Everything is communal...unless there's meat in it."
-3/22

A (showing B a photo): "That's her boyfriend."
B: "He's Elliott Gould with a cowboy hat!"
-3/24

January 2008

"I'm like a magician...for dogs."
-1/3

"There's no such thing as platonic dick-grazing!"
-1/9

"Yeah, somebody's processing -- or in this case, cockblocking -- it."
-1/16

"Let me tell you one other thing about these people. They're crazy about bicycling."
-1/17

"I hate these inappropriate pants!!"
-1/17

"How do you meet a guy named Alf and not say that you enjoyed his earlier work?"
-1/23

"Yeah, I hope to pee for a good hundred yards in heaven."
-1/28

"Kiss my ass with the master plan!! Build some bungalows!!"
-1/29

"You wanna see Judge Judy?! She's on every day from three to four."
-1/29

"Just imagine for a second that you never even knew about balls."
-1/31

A: "I'm going to lay down for a while...but it's been a pleasure talking about balls with you."
B: "Always."
-1/31