May 2009

"Their panties are like sweatpants for your vagina."

-5/3

"It's the whole 'lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.' (beat:) I hate Usher, but that was wise."

-5/3

Boss: "Thank you for allowing me to panic with you this afternoon."
-5/8

"Do you know what Rhode Island is known for? Their seafood, seashore and costume jewelry."
-5/13

Boss: "I learned about sausages this morning."
-5/13

Boss: "Can I get back to you? I'm in the middle of a Twitter emergency."
-5/15

A: "Are you a hippie?"
B: "No, but I do prefer going barefoot."
-5/18

A: "Did you vote last night?"
B: "Yeah, I actually voted for some of the propositions."
--beat--
A: "No, I mean for Idol!"
-5/20

"I'm not worried about the Bacon Beat."
-5/20

"Hey, I like bacon and maple syrup as much as the next guy, but not with alcohol."
-5/20

"Isn't this great? You can do your own dental work now!"
-5/20

"He kinda looks like a seal with a headdress."

-5/20

"It's hard to hate a guy that's so nice...but it's not impossible."
-5/22

"A hug from behind's fine, but, like...a linger from behind?"

-5/24

"Come on, California. How am I ever supposed to have forbidden pre- or extra-marital sex? Give me some 'marital' to work with."
-5/27

"Who do I really hate? Do I hate anyone here? (beat:) Oh, crap! I forgot to call Joe back!"