December 2009

Sarcastically:
"What happened to your marvelous sandwich-making?"
-12/14

Child at Disneyland, re. Monstro: "Oh my God, it's an infected whale!"
-12/16

"Mmmm, bandwidth. That's what Santa can get me for Christmas."
-12/17

"I wonder if they sell knives on chains. (beat:) That's a good idea."
-12/21

A: "What's your New Year's resolution?"
B: "To act like a slutty tourist?"
-12/23

"I just said today I wanted to punch a kid in the heart."
-12/23

"You know what?, I have examined a lot of vaginas, and I still don't know exactly where the pee hole is."
-12/23

"Eww, this is gross: 'The Family that Plays Together'."
-12/23

"...about as sexy as a punch in the balls. (beat:) Unless you're into that."
-12/23

A: "What is it about your dad that you don't like?"
B: "Um...him."
-12/23

"You know what?, he is dogmatic, he is lazy...and he wears mock turtlenecks."
-12/23

"But you won't let people lust over your body when you go pee."
-12/23

"You should always have lust in your heart."
-12/23

"A) Who the fuck feeds a cat a hard-boiled egg?!"
-12/23

A: "We've moved to the sexy part of the night."
B: "Cats vomiting hard-boiled eggs."
-12/23

A: "What is that?"
B: "It's the fridge."
A: "Oh. (beat:) It sounds like a duck."
-12/23

"I'm not perfect. I own guns and like to do it in the butt."
-12/25

"Lasagna and strippers...it's your perfect day."
-12/28

June 2008

Boss: "I consider this shirt to be a bad decision."
-6/6

"The Gay at work is now obsessed with Ann Boleyn."
-6/7

"Well, I've learned my lesson. No more lady shoes."
-6/8

"That looks like a dragon fellating itself!"
-6/8

"Don't be scared! It's not my fault you have a toe-thumb."
-6/8

"Man, I want some air conditioning and oysters."
-6/8

"I mean, I have nothing but respect for those people but...eff them!"
-6/12

"For an hour I'm going to do nothing but urinate. And then?...five minutes of blogging."
-6/12

A: "He's Asian."
B: "I know. But he's abnormally Asian."
-6/14

"This girl's sixteen. (beat:) That's the problem with gymnasts."
-6/18

"He's in bed butt naked and the goat is eating his shirt."
-6/19

Boss, suddenly bursting into song: "Puttin' down that do-og, except it's a per-son!"
-6/20

"I love these new bathmats -- they feel so good on my feet. It's like I'm stepping on baby grizzly fur."
-6/20

"Yeah, it's interesting when you can see, like, 500 cocks in one face."
-6/20

"He looked like a kindlier John Malkovich to me."
-6/23

"I'm going to Tom Petty alone and Mini-Me's with a full-sized woman!!"
-6/25

July 2006

"Do you need anything from my Apt.? No. The answer is no, unless what you need is soymilk...or a hamster."
-7/2

A: "What's that? Bibi slash?"
B: "No, get-well-soon pen."
-7/3

"Jenean, you work in Brentwood, can you explain the appeal of clogs?"
-7/3

"Thank you Jesus for not fucking me over."
-7/3

"Just use a goddamn O.B. -- I'll put it in for you."
-7/8

A: "Did you Google 'defiant kitten'?"
B: "Yes. And we found CKS -- Crazy Kitten Syndrome."
-7/15

Jenean: "I hate roommates! I'm glad I have Lindsay."
-7/15

"Man, these guys are fast! It's like having a conversation with an old person!"
-7/15

"Yeah. Well, I've already seen Eddie Izzard. Not that I wouldn't watch it again, but I'd be more excited to watch Hitler."
-7/16

"She's cute. I wish she was a puppy sometimes so we could get her clothes."
-7/18