March 2009

"COBRA. It's an acronym, it stands for...C-O-B-R-A."
-3/5

Boss on phone: "It's fuckin' Lucky Charms! Goodbye. Have a good weekend."
-3/6

A: "It's like a window into the abyss of hell."
B: "That's what I want!"
-3/9

A: "Jevon always works it out."
B: "I think it's all the candy."
-3/9

Boss: "I'm blaming you for the stock market's performance today."
-3/11

"Do we have a photo of someone licking a fish?…'cause if we do, that's going on the homepage."
-3/12

"That is all I am. I am a shell without television."
-3/12

"All I know is, if they would do this to an unwed mother, think what they would do to puppies."
-3/12

Employee to boss going on vacation: "So I'll see you in a week and a half?"
Boss: "It's not even that bad…it's, like, ten days."
-3/12

"A robot that feels. That's my sister's ultimate fear. (beat:) No fuckin' joke."
-3/14

"Maybe you just have a really high butt crack!"
-3/14

A: "It's so weird, my legs feel like I've been walking around all day."
B: "Maybe it's your pants."
-3/14

"He just likes to make his hat askew and throw things."
-3/14

A: "We rode on a plane with George Burns, didn't we?"
B: "He's dead."
-3/14

Re. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer":
"I don't know anyone who likes it that isn't a girl or a lesbian."
-3/14

A: "He can sing. He can dance. He's Wolverine."
B: "He is a triple threat."
-3/14

"Wait -- but you can't be relaxed if you're -- peeing!"
-3/14

"She doesn't pee on her feet and then walk around!"
-3/14

"You can drink pee! It's like a beverage!"
-3/14

"You know what's the best? Drunk shower-peeing."
-3/14

"Let's not talk about 'Kill Bill' or peeing as a man."
-3/14

"Jon thinks I'm mad at him because he can pee through a penis."
-3/14

"Unless you have an infection, peeing always feels good."
-3/14

"I said 'mime' and you looked like I barfed in your mouth!"
-3/14

Re. Larry King:
"Doesn't his son want to be something? Like black?"
-3/14

A instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
thats right
deal with it missy
and then see what you have to say about my butter cow
-3/16

"We're in a pirate bar, too, so, either way -- if it's not Irish, it's pirate."
-3/17

A: "There's a fat person on the homepage."
B: "Straight or gay?"
-3/18

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
i am so hungry
it's sad
this is what poverty must feel like
and frankly i don't like it, but they are thin
-3/19

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
whoa!
who gives a dog an enema?
stranger still
who gives a dog an enema at a mall?!?!
-3/19

Boss to coworker who lost a filling: "Too much taffy over the weekend!"
-3/23

"I do not know why i have procrastinated...I just want to go home and vomit some more."
-3/27

A: "This doesn't look like the L.A. Times, does it?"
B: "No...it looks awesome."
-3/27

Re. bolognese sauce
"That is the bomb right there. You can serve that to a female…she’ll marry you."
-3/31

"Man, the Bible's gettin' good right now!"
-3/31