April 2006

"Well, I know he's not a security guard 24/7, but now I'm all embarrassed to wear my footie pajamas!"
-4/3

Overheard on walkie-talkie frequency:
A: "Hey, it's working! What did you do? (pause:) Hey, what did you do? It was working!"
B: "I plugged it in."
A: "Plug it in again. It was working!"
-4/4

"You oughta see my tantrums...they're so cute!"
-4/6

A: "Audrey is Japanese!"
B: "Why, 'cause she can eat so much?"
-4/7

"Just the name -- the Viper Room -- makes me want to castrate men."
-4/7

Vet Tech: "Does your dog go by Mayo or Spiderman?"
Dog Owner: "Actually, he goes by both."
-4/8

"It's kind of endearing 'cause he's such a wiener, but it's kind of like, 'Stop being such a wiener!' "
-4/8

"I have to move some stuff...but it's not trash. That's the dif."
-4/8

A (incredulously): "You swallowed a marble as a child and never pooped it out?!"
B: "...I'm pretty sure."
-4/8

"But it was almost nonfaggy it was so faggy!...you know what I mean?"
-4/8

"But you guys, she's wearing a CBGBs t-shirt, so she's cool! Okay?"
-4/8

A: "I said 'potassium'."
B: "I thought she said 'poontassium'!"
-4/8

"She keeps saying, 'Get it on dooow-own!' like she was in Deee-Lite or something."
-4/8

"Because of this, we all realize that Chumbawamba has moved up a notch."
-4/8

"Yeah, thanks, Topper! Thanks for evening the scales...of rudeness!"
-4/8

A: "Canine?! Canine?!"
B: "What?! Do you mean dog-touching?!"
-4/8

"No, I'm better than this! It's just that it's dark in here, and my finger slipped."
-4/8

A: "Which one's Dorothy?"
B: "Bea Arthur!"
A: "Oh. Diss!"
-4/8

A: "Dorothy?! You mean gay?!"
B: "No...Golden Girls."
-4/8

Re. a MySpace friend request:
"Who's adding me now? Oh. Attila & the Huns...deny."
-4/8

"Ooohh!...you guys wanna see my rotting wisdom teeth?"
-4/8

A: "It was Rod Stewart that ended our relationship, Pam!"
B: "It kind of was...on a metaphorical level."
-4/8

"Whose dog would snort cocaine?...a gay man's poodle!"
-4/8

"It is good for you! Your daily source of PoonTassium."
-4/8

"Do you have a roach clip? Can we use a capo?"
-4/8

"If his tongue was chillin' on his paw, he liked it."
-4/8

"I don't know if it's the marijuana, the beer or the Enya, but I am relaxed."
-4/8

Re. a regular and 24-oz. can of beer:
"Awww, it looks like Mama Miller Lite Can and Baby Miller Lite Can!"
-4/8

Re. little yappy dogs:
"The man used to collect vintage clothing, what kind of a dog do you think he'd have?!"
-4/9

Re. socks:
"Holey ones it is...in honor of Papyra of Judas!"
-4/9

While flipping through a catalog:
"I'm tired of looking at luau stuff...Ooohh! Bandanas!"
-4/13

A: "I think I said something really inappropriate to Miguel last night."
B: "What?!"
A: "I asked him if he wanted to watch March of the Penguins with me."
-4/13

"Ooohh!, can we go to New York? The girl I have a crush on is now single."
-4/13

"It was shocking. I didn't even know they let white people have shows on UPN."
-4/25

"Seriously, when you think you've gotten the weirdest call you could get...someone calls about a conch shell."
-4/25

"What?! I could see naming it Spaghetti, but Spaghetti All Over Its Face Popple?! That's crazy talk!"
-4/27

A: "It's like that time you hit me in the crotch when I was putting on my sweatshirt!"
B: "That was so awesome!"
-4/27