"…and, honestly, I don't give a shit about the word 'ergo'."
-8/1
A: "Neil looks gayer than usual!"
B: "Yeah he does…he looks like Lurch!"
-8/2
"Lately he's been staying upstairs…I don't know why, it's so hot up there. (beat:) I think he's going insane."
-8/2
"That's gonna be my start -- save up, I'm gonna get that bra."
-8/2
A: "Wait, how come he doesn't speak English?"
B: "Because he's foreign."
-8/2
"…one girl was like, 'I'd scrape that shit off and put it on your pillowcase', and I was like, 'I don't want to be your roommate!'"
-8/2
"Maybe he's embarrassed to be a cat, and he wants to be a human, so when no one's around he's all, 'Hey, rub my pecs.'"
-8/2
Triumphantly:
"So maybe that's what he's repressing -- not his emotions but his gayness!!"
-8/2
"…and you're like, 'Oh, that dude just plays the accordion', but really he's fuckin' some guy in the bathroom."
-8/2
A: "What are you talking about?"
B: "Your obtrusive burp…on my coughing escapade."
-8/2
"I'm sure there are some respectable women who are hookers."
-8/2
A: "Did we just get scared by some rustlin'??"
B: "Yeah, and that fuckin' human-dog!"
-8/2
"I think it's a city story. (beat:) Wait, what were we talking about again?"
-8/2
A: "At least she doesn't have a fountain!"
B: "A hippie fountain!"
A: "A hippie fountain with lasers in it!"
-8/2
A: "Is he retarded?"
B: "No."
A: "Is he old?"
B: "No. He's from New York."
-8/2
"I was just trying to inject a little levity…cervix it is!"
-8/2
"How did nature create a bird that looks like that?! That's just off the hook."
-8/3
A: "Are you okay?"
B: "No…I need candy or Tums."
-8/7
Re. comparing cats to countries:
"And Keelo, 'cause he runs away, could be -- what's a pussy nation? France."
-8/8
A: "Is he gonna be gay?"
B: "No, he's an Aries."
-8/12
A: "Bacon has nothing your body can use."
B: "Yeah, I know -- let's just stop talking about it!"
-8/12
"I'm so excited about this, I feel like I'm gonna barf nachos in like thirty minutes."
-8/12
"…It's fucked up. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? It's wrong."
-8/12
A: "What's your beef with Hostel all of a sudden?"
B: "Ehh…I watched it."
-8/13
Awkward intern guy, upon being asked 'How was your weekend?': "My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting…"
-8/14
Re. Mary Murphy of "So You Think You Can Dance":
"Do you think when they were casting this they said, 'Are you as retarded as Paula Abdul?' 'Yes.' 'You're hired'?"
-8/16
A: "She looks like she should be on top of a cake in that outfit."
-beat-
B: "Or poppin' out of one."
-8/16
Re. "Knock On Wood":
"This song reminds me of Judge Judy."
-8/16
"Hold on. Was he the white guy that was all…weird?"
-8/16
Defensively:
"I'm not Boner and Balls!!"
-8/16
A: "You like Boner though?"
B: "Yeah, Boner's strong."
-8/16
"Totally!! There's gay cycling over there!! I'm all about it."
-8/16
"Wait, what were we talking about before I so rudely…tripped?"
-8/16
A: "She took lemons and made lemonade."
B: "It took her two days."
-beat-
A: "She broke her toe."
-8/17
A: "I dick around all the time online."
B: "Right, so wouldn't you like to have something quality to do online?"
-8/17
"Yeah, it was like a python spitting up large eggs -- that's what I pictured."
-8/17
A: "I used to take trampolining classes in high school."
B: "What?!"
-8/17
"I'll be back (points at beer:) -- no roofies."
-8/17
"Yeah, it's like a -- it's like a shiny hot dog."
-8/17
"…like, she's beautiful, like I want to hang her on my wall as a picture…like, her skin…ewww!"
-8/17
"Wow, you wear that like a…badge you shouldn't wear."
-8/17
"Who with eyeballs would be like, 'Yeah, this is for me'?"
-8/17
"No offense, but I hope you die."
-8/17
Re. "Hairspray":
"I think it's better than Chicago because -- aside from the segregation -- it's a really happy movie!"
-8/18
A: "Did you call me, Rob?"
B: "No."
A: "What can I do for you?"
B: "Nothing."
-8/18
"Is that a hookah or a lamp?"
-8/18
"They're lesbians…they're very nice though! (pause:) I shouldn't say 'though'."
-8/18
"There was one guy who looked like Jesus…but like a warrior Gandalf Jesus?"
-8/18
"So imagine a homeless crazy person…as a squirrel."
-8/18
"P.S. Did I tell you I decided I like gumbo?"
-8/18
"When I look back all I remember is him whining…and stepping on my breasts."
-8/19
"He's just tedious…like the Mad Hatter."
-8/19
"Come on! Sex is funny, and combined with my cat it's double funny!"
-8/19
"Well, either way this is great news for Bill Clinton!"
-8/22
A: "Can I tell you a story?"
B: "Please do."
A: "Well, it's not as fun…but it's about my medication?"
-8/22
"There's a tremendous power in not caring, you know?"
-8/23
A: "What's that over there?"
B: "I don't know…I can see some Om symbols and a lot of bling."
-8/23
Boss on phone: "Well…guess who one of them was?! Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was!"
-8/28
"The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!"
-8/28
"(Gasp:) A wizard fight?!?"
-8/29
A: "So her mom and who are going to be over there?"
B: "Her grandma."
A: "Oh my God!!"
-8/31
"He's like a real-life imaginary thing!!"
-8/31
"…'cause he's gonna be a big douche -- sorry, Grandma."
-8/31
GRANDKID: "I'm sorry Grandma, this is all gossip!"
GRANDMA: "That's why I'm listening."
-8/31
"It's not like you're adding razzle-dazzle, you're adding shit to your burrito!"
-8/31
A: "It's, like, the weirdest matchup ever."
B: "I know."
A: "…Except for the hippo and the alligator in Fantasia."
-8/31
Thursday, August 30, 2007
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