January 2007

"You're so sweet lately! I'm so glad I got you fixed."
-1/2

"Do you think spraypaint will ruin my balloon?"
-1/5

A: "You are a balloon Nazi!"
B: "No! -- it's just -- they are the balloon Nazis!"
-1/5

"Yeah, it's just gross, kinda. It's not whimsical, it's not cute, it's just gross."
-1/9

"I saw the woman in the bottom right square, and I was like, 'I'll be damned if that is not Cybill Shepherd.' "
-1/10

"They just seem kind of...I mean, I know they eat bugs and stuff, but they seem kind of irrelevant."
-1/10

"Why does someone have to agree with you? You're having a drunken rant and we're laughing at it, that's it!"
-1/13

"Okay, who has seen Barbarella in this room?! (pause; only one person raises hand) That is a travesty!"
-1/13

"Yeah, I'm gonna need to lint-brush my couch. Won't be the first time."
-1/13

"I'm tellin' you, every celebration there is at least one ass slap."
-1/13

A: "Well, it seems like you have a nice voice...very Tom Waits-y."
-pause-
B: "I have a cold."
-1/16

"We've got big breaking news here! Snow in Malibu!...and you guys are playing Pac-Man?!"
-1/17

"Teenagers...vampires...trees and rain...I'm sold."
-1/18

December 2006

A: "Are you being ironical?
B: "Actually, I can't tell anymore."
-12/1

A: "I love Ellen Burstyn."
B: "I love Faye Dunaway."
-long pause-
A: "I like how we didn't say anything about Sally Field."
-12/7

"Oh my God, Tom does the best gay impression! His gay accent is superb."
-12/9

"We're going out with our gay friends tomorrow, to the Abbey...I think they got the cabana!"
-12/9

"What's this...another French rapper?"
-12/9

"He is speaking French. He's French. But he's a French black guy."
-12/9

"My mom was like, 'I knew it was big, but to blow out denim?!!"
-12/22

"I'm gonna bring the jeans, 'cause you would not believe the size of this hole!"
-12/22

A: "You saw God in my chest hair!...or was it Mary?"
B: "It was Moses."
-12/24

"Yeah. I'm exaggerating, of course...but I do have big nostrils, so it's to scale?"
-12/24

"You know, I'm actually a little insulted, 'cause I'm way dumber than your mom."
-12/24

A: "It was atrocious!"
B: "Yes it was! The probe was unusually large!"
-12/24

"I could probably talk about this algorithm until the sun comes up!"
-12/25

"Oh, you've always loved that shit!...randomization and shit like that."
-12/25

A: "Oh, they got married?"
-pause-
B: "On some level, yeah."
-12/25

"No, she would read-Chaucer-and-dream-of-finding-artifacts-in-Africa dorky."
-12/25

A: "Candy corn...gave me a third-degree burn."
B: "What?"
C: "What?"
D: "That was your own fault."
-12/25

A: "It was the tiniest little drop, too!"
B: "Yeah...well, it was burning chemical..."
-12/25

A: "I don't know if I could sacrifice the candy."
B: "One candy corn?!"
-beat-
A: "Oh, it was only one?"
-12/25

"Eewww, fuck napalm?!!"
-12/25

A: "Tom, calm down. Tom, you need to calm down."
B: "What?...I'm just psyched about the stenographer."
-12/25

"Look, I'm carrying myself in a fuckin' backpack...it's weird, okay?"
-12/25

Incredulously:
"You can't cross your legs?!...and you're white?"
-12/25

"See, by the time I got to middle school and karate, I thought I was flexible...but I was just hunchbacked."
-12/25

A: "Apparently that's what the chiropractor told him."
-beat-
B: "No, that's what I feel."
-12/25

Boss, skeptically: "These dogs don't look scared of Santa!"
-12/26

"Looks like Archimedes is the big winner!"
-12/26

"There's your Bob Marley sticker!...wait, or is that Jesus?"
-12/31

"It's not a dump, it's a historical landmark."
-12/31

"Yeah, but it's dead now. That toaster is dead to me."
-12/31

"...and not to say that the Doobie Brothers are cool, but they're fuckin' funky, you know?"
-12/31

"It's time for you and I to study fuckin' barbershop."
-12/31

"I'm sure you could dry-hump Tom as if he were gay."
-12/31

"...Really fuckin' cool! Fuckin' expletive cool!"
-12/31

"If my ears had nipples, they'd be twisted right now."
-12/31

November 2006

"If I could get a circus dog with, like, its voicebox removed, that would be perfect."
-11/1

"He's a Pisces, he wouldn't be a Republican!"
-11/1

"I feel like, at this moment, I look like I could be from Brooklyn."
-11/2

"I grew up in an Ace of Base bubble!"
-11/3

Re. sake bomb consumption:
"I did that once, at Jodie Sweetin's birthday!"
-11/3

"I think the lesson of the day is I should drink more sake."
-11/3

Re. Griffith Observatory:
"Man, this place is the ultimate cockblock!"
-11/4

"What are we doing after this, please tell me we're doing something other than waiting an hour for chips."
-11/4

Re. observatory:
"Ooohh, I hope they have something about Jupiter!"
-11/4

"I can't even go on the Teacups, let alone space!"
-11/4

"It's kinda like, black-people-love-song, but I can still dig it."
-11/5

"Wait -- wait -- I'm serious, we have the best ghost."
-11/7

"...and you're not even sure what is vile about it...maybe it's that wrinkle."
-11/10

A: "Scary and gross is never a good combo."
B: "And it's only the eye of Jupiter!"
-11/10

A: "I don't have godparents, do you?"
B: "No. I don't think so. (beat:) If I do, it's probably some wack-ass hippie out in the middle of nowhere."
-11/11

"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you don't want to shit right!"
-11/13

"That's really the only time I have a hearty laugh...when it's a poop or fart joke. (laughs:) It fills me with delight!"
-11/14

A: "My musical tastes have changed so much."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah. Now it's like, give me a bluegrassy song...or a show tune."
-11/15

A: "Oh my God, what happened to your shoulder?!"
B: "Chocolate."
-11/17

Re. the Lava Lounge:
A: "Have you been here before?"
B: "No, I've been to Hawaii though."
-11/18

"...and I'm really tired, because Pierre woke us up at six to, like, dry heave."
-11/18

"Dude, this place is so much fun. It's like a...cesspool."
-11/18

Anonymous moviegoer: "Steve Harvey is really a bitter, angry man, but he's nice to me because, you know, I produce him."
-11/19

"I love being a nerd. I kind of wish I was more of a nerd. (beat, then wistfully:) I can't wait 'til I'm more of a nerd."
-11/20

"Every damn castle we went to, there that damn Japanese minivan was."
-11/20

Dejectedly:
"Never mind. I thought we had Tetris boobs."
-11/22

"Seriously, seriously...that warthog rules."
-11/22

"I do like Macs, I do like Lord of the Rings, I do like nerds...I just kinda felt like there was too much going on all at once."
-11/22

A: "Did you find a spot?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "That took a long time."
B: "Well, I was in Silverlake."
-11/22

A: "I don't know if that's much of an improvement."
B: "Well, you'd have to hear it echoing off the walls of a canyon in the desert..."
-11/22

A: "We're not all that picky."
B: "You are hippies."
-11/22

"Whoa, whoa! You just related it to a coming-of-age vision quest?!?"
-11/22

"No, it's okay. You know I'm gonna have to get all righteously nerdy on you and stuff."
-11/27

October 2006

"I'd lie for you, if you want…I'd tell Canada you were my acting coach."
-10/6

"I'm pretty scared of Smokey Robinson's face right now…you know what I mean?"
-10/6

"I think you should tell that music teacher to suck an egg!"
-10/6

"It was like, it wasn't even real, like my mind had manifested a child to heckle me."
-10/8

A: "Has something changed in your psyche since I was here last?"
B: "No, I've just been chewing gum recently."
-10/9

A: "I want to be Kate Winslet."
B: "Really?...she has big feet, apparently."
-10/22

A: "Your freckles are really pronounced today."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah…maybe it's from all the NyQuil."
-10/22

"But it makes no sense, because it's marionette puppets, not wind-up dolls!"
-10/23

A: "I'm so embarrassed!"
B: "Lindsay (sigh)...we can't deny that we, like, don't have a broom."
-10/24

"Lindsay, you can't judge my level of gayness and then go see Eddie Izzard!"
-10/24

"Ummm…Melissa Rivers is here and I think she was born in an inferno."
-10/24

"…because it's, like, really messy in there and I saw that plastic hamburger on the floor…"
-10/26

A: "Did you really call your daughters poseurs?"
B: "Yes I did!"
-10/26

"My son, at three years old, considered the state of Florida an excellent handgun."
-10/27

"I felt threatened, but not so much by the ball of energy as by how fucked-up it was that I was seeing a ball of energy."
-10/27

"Well, it was like the one time I saw energy spiders!"
-10/27

A: "You love energy spiders!"
B: "Well, it's fascinating, because it's energy, you know??"
-10/27

Re. energy spiders:
"I was like, 'I know I should probably be paranoid about this, but I'm not gonna choose to be. They look cool.' "
-10/27

"So then I was like, 'Sweet! Energy spiders!...Man, I wish I could see you guys all the time.' "
-10/27

"Do you think his moustache is, like, a toupee?"
-10/27

"I was a Ghostbuster for Halloween. I made my backpack out of a baby carrier and a vacuum!"
-10/29

Re. the new David Lynch movie:
"It's like three hours of Laura Dern. I can't wait!!"
-10/29

"Uhhh…the dog peed on my boombox!"
-10/30

A: "Kelly…Kelly…these people are trash."
B: "Obviously!"
-10/30

July 2006

"Do you need anything from my Apt.? No. The answer is no, unless what you need is soymilk...or a hamster."
-7/2

A: "What's that? Bibi slash?"
B: "No, get-well-soon pen."
-7/3

"Jenean, you work in Brentwood, can you explain the appeal of clogs?"
-7/3

"Thank you Jesus for not fucking me over."
-7/3

"Just use a goddamn O.B. -- I'll put it in for you."
-7/8

A: "Did you Google 'defiant kitten'?"
B: "Yes. And we found CKS -- Crazy Kitten Syndrome."
-7/15

Jenean: "I hate roommates! I'm glad I have Lindsay."
-7/15

"Man, these guys are fast! It's like having a conversation with an old person!"
-7/15

"Yeah. Well, I've already seen Eddie Izzard. Not that I wouldn't watch it again, but I'd be more excited to watch Hitler."
-7/16

"She's cute. I wish she was a puppy sometimes so we could get her clothes."
-7/18

June 2006

A: "Why didn't you come to my birthday party?"
B: "I was sick."
A: "Oh. Thank God you didn't come to my birthday party!"
-6/2

"Yeah. You couldn't hear the cowbell on some parts, like when I'm playing the cowbell?, and I was like, 'Um, that's kind of important!' "
-6/4

"I think if I had that equipment, I would make totally different music with it. Like, it would still be cool, but it wouldn't be gay."
-6/4

"It's like, tennis for nerds or something!"
-6/4

"The only person I know in Inherit the Wind is...Darwin."
-6/6

Exasperatedly:
"It has to lay flat, like a halo! It can't hang like a garter belt from a rearview mirror!"
-6/7

"It took them five years to plan a cruise that goes one way?!?"
-6/9

"Well, I love that in your mocking stupor you almost fell off the couch!"
-6/12

"Well, you know how she does it, all sensual, and I was like, 'This is my kitty, stop being sensual!' "
-6/12

Re. "poodle-type thing":
"Well, yes, it's a living thing, it has the potential to be sweet -- but don't tell me it was attractive."
-6/15

"...and we gotta take her ass to get spayed eventually!"
-6/15

"The ranch is very weird today. Not weird bad, but weird tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. (later:) Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as...gone bad."
-6/16

A: "Is that Elmer Fudd?"
-beat-
B: "...Tom Waits."
-6/19

Re. "Shinto" as the correct answer to a Jeopardy question:
"Of course he's gonna get it, he's Asian!"
-6/19

Straight lady: "Do you want to be a Disney character?"
Lesbian: "I did when I was younger."
Straight lady: "Did you want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid?"
Lesbian: "No...I wanted to be Aladdin."
-6/20

"Whoa, whoa! He is in blackface because black people are better athletes!"
-6/20

"'Bye!...I have to pee, so I'm saying goodbye now."
-6/20

"Who names their daughter Sioux?! Like the Indian. (beat:) Like, casino Indian."
-6/20

A: “She looks like Eleanor Frutt.”
B: “Who?”
A: “Camryn Manheim. (beat:) I’m not calling her fat. I’m calling her ugly.”
-6/20

"I hate...what is that show called? It's called...basketball."
-6/20

"So he's in Seattle now? With his people?...I mean, flannel shirt-wearing lesbians?"
-6/22

"Edgar. Let's get real here. Enough about bird diapers."
-6/23

"I'm surprised I wasn't fat as a child. But I was very active...running away from bullies."
-6/24

"So?! I can be prejudiced about one VHS and not another!"
-6/24

"Yeah, it was scary. So don't go into our downstairs bathroom by yourself...take a cat with you." -6/24

"Good night, you guys! Thanks for coming over...to Pam's place."
-6/24

"No, no. It wasn't like, 'R. Kelly keeps it so real, I can relate!' "
-6/24

"Well, she's way better, but she's crappier so I like her more."
-6/24

A: "Really?, they have a radio station at Chapman? When did that happen?"
B: "Forty years ago."
-6/24

"So I think Mom's getting you a knife and me some Trix."
-6/25

"I thought you wanted me to pumice your foot and I was like, 'All right, pumice foot.' "
-6/29

A: "Do you wanna watch Nacho Libre?"
B: "Nacho Libre? What's that? Cheese book?"
-6/29