April 2008

Boss, about a customer's outrage at an email: "I think it was the 'Best Regards' that sent him over the edge."
-4/1

"I think he is good. His mother stole my jacket, however."
-4/7

"This girl has had this cat for years. And this is the first time she's ever given it a bath?!"
-4/7

"Oh man, I've never seen somebody who loved sacrificing animals more than the Lord."
-4/9

Boss: "It is my job to redefine 'shitload'."
-4/9

"I like it, it looks like a retarded little robot over there?"
-4/10

"Okay, she didn't have a sex change operation. She had Lasik. (beat:) Same dif!"
-4/14

"This is workaholism. This is bordering on Japanese...type-behavior."
-4/14

"That's what I'm saying! He's had his beer, he's had his Vegas, he's a Muslim, and I'm going to hell."
-4/15

A: "She doesn't look like your type."
B: "Whaddya mean?!"
A: "She's a grownup!"
-4/17

"Turns out, it's not okay to pee on people at a party."
-4/17

Re. the political strategist:
"I love Carville. I took a leak with him at a wedding."
-4/18

"No matter how hard you try to organize things...the mice and the men bite you in the ass."
-4/21

Singing:
"Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing, Jesus loves me, la la la!"
-4/22

"I love you for your mind, stripper-girl."
-4/23

A: "How did this happen?!"
B: "I don't know, Asians love a good deal!"
-4/26

"That was probably the low point of my life...my hand in that cat box."
-4/26

"So far I'm thinking python, dolphin, priest...not necessarily in that order, but..."
-4/28

A: "Who finds a giant inflatable pig and throws it away?!"
B: "Old people."
-4/29

A: "I've never loved a girl more than I love this stripper."
B: "Really?!"
A: "No."
-4/30

March 2008

"Picture a cross between Harry Carey and one of the Three Musketeers. And that's this guy."
-3/3

"Fish guts is like a rectum if you think about it...and that's no fun."
-3/3

"You'd think it was gonna be creepy, but mostly it was just retarded."
-3/3

Re. fruit:
A: "That one's moldy."
B: "It's cool."
A: "I'm helping!"
-3/3

"This is just like Charlotte's Web but without the sadness."
-3/3

A: "Are you guys talkin' about me?"
B: "No...we were talking about balls, and your name came up."
-3/3

"I forgot that my friend is running for the Congress today!"
-3/4

"I'm very excited! I get to fight with a broadsword tonight, and tomorrow I'm flying a plane!"
-3/4

An instant message chat transcript excerpt:
A: yeah, fuck puppy mills
B: seriously!!!!!
A: not the puppies, but the mills
-3/6

"Ed requires a level of patience that is reserved for the parents of special-needs children."
-3/6

Lesbian: "Do you know how I knew I was gay? The Mask of Zorro."
Straight Lady: "That's how Jon knew he was straight!"
-3/8

A: "It's good exercise."
B: "What is? The gym?"
-3/8

"I'm open to anything...as long as it doesn't involve genitals."
-3/8

A: "I talked to Taylor Dayne today."
B (gasp): "The Taylor Dayne?!"
-3/10

"She was so upbeat. I expected her to be a coked-out hag but she was so upbeat!"
-3/10

"If I had special powers I'd be taller and I'd have my afro back."
-3/18

A: "They hang out and meditate and eat soup together?!"
B (nods): "And maybe a light salad."
-3/20

A: "Does she have a clotting disorder?!"
B: "No, she dances on a pole!"
-3/21

"Yeah, you know me. Always Asian-ing it up."
-3/22

"I don't know - I feel - I can't stop rubbin' myself!"
-3/22

"But it all ends up at Christopher Walken. So it's good, it's good."
-3/22

"Vomit comes out; I've vomited on half my clothes."
-3/22

"Everything is communal...unless there's meat in it."
-3/22

A (showing B a photo): "That's her boyfriend."
B: "He's Elliott Gould with a cowboy hat!"
-3/24

February 2008

"I didn't hit your skullbone...or head...or I guess, just skull."
-2/3

"There's no variety! Ya got apples, ya got bananas -- big effin' deal!"
-2/4

"Yeah, that big-ass TV and I can't tell if that lion is coming or going."
-2/10

A: "Now don't you want an owl?"
B: "Yeah. Too bad it's illegal!"
-2/10

"I still think he looks kinda goofy. He looks kinda Family Matters, you know?"
-2/10

Outraged:
"She is Storm -- Mistress of the Elements! It's not like (beat:) -- she doesn't cure AIDS!"
-2/12

"I don't want to give my kid no lobster-claw syndrome!"
-2/13

"I love this girl!...she wanted nothing to do with me!"
-2/18

"Boy, you are giving curly hair and vests a bad name!"
-2/19

"Never lie to a transexual!"
-2/21

"...He's always flustered...like, gay flustered...all the time!"
-2/22

A: The Lord was cockblocking you?!
B: Sure! It's in the Bible!
-2/27

Earnestly:
I love it that you can see things and you know what they are.
-2/28

January 2008

"I'm like a magician...for dogs."
-1/3

"There's no such thing as platonic dick-grazing!"
-1/9

"Yeah, somebody's processing -- or in this case, cockblocking -- it."
-1/16

"Let me tell you one other thing about these people. They're crazy about bicycling."
-1/17

"I hate these inappropriate pants!!"
-1/17

"How do you meet a guy named Alf and not say that you enjoyed his earlier work?"
-1/23

"Yeah, I hope to pee for a good hundred yards in heaven."
-1/28

"Kiss my ass with the master plan!! Build some bungalows!!"
-1/29

"You wanna see Judge Judy?! She's on every day from three to four."
-1/29

"Just imagine for a second that you never even knew about balls."
-1/31

A: "I'm going to lay down for a while...but it's been a pleasure talking about balls with you."
B: "Always."
-1/31

December 2007

"Here's the problem...they're not particularly attractive."
-12/3

"Yeah, I'm a big fan of the basics, you know? Caramel, fudge..."
-12/4

"I hope she coughs up some blood!"
-12/5

A: "Just stand there and look cute."
B: "Okay, can I pee first?"
-12/7

A: "Nuns don't get kissed."
B: "Sure they do."
A: "By Jesus!"
-12/9

Re. onion soup:
A: "Would it have that creamy stuff on top?"
B: "Cheese?"
-beat-
A: "Yeah."
-12/13

A: "There's the Goodyear blimp!"
B: "Indeed."
A: "Let's fuck with it!"
-12/15

"I do not like my Christmas music to be about Jesus!"
-12/17

"It's not that it's bad. It's just that it tastes like when I vomit...it up."
-12/18

"What?! He is a walking STD, just look at his goatee!"
-12/18

A: "He's like the bastard child of Prince and Carmen Electra."
B: "So he married his mom?"
-12/18

"Lindsay, these dogs are wack. I mean, the left and the right."
-12/18

"I mean, they're separate but unified in their wackness."
-12/18

"I know a good mambo and a good shaman, and they can fix it right up."
-12/18

"He's sweet when you restrain him."
-12/18

"Check it out! Doesn't it look like...Werewolf Leg?"
-12/18

"I didn't mean to say you're retarded...I just didn't understand how intense it was."
-12/18

"Oh, man!! This guy's a goldmine of douchebaggery!"
-12/19

An instant message chat transcript excerpt:
So you're looking for books, I'm looking for chainsaws
we are the PERFECT shopping buddies!!!!!
-12/21

A: "...So you brought over to this apartment Boggle, a roll of toilet paper, mushrooms and a Christmas stocking?"
B: "Mmm hmm...and vanilla."
-12/21

"If I see My Little Ponies in your possession I will flip out."
-12/22

"I guess you don't get much more casual than cuttin' mushrooms in your underwear."
-12/25

"I love that song!...I like songs that sound like trains."
-12/25

"So P.S., there are no toe socks in all of Los Angeles."
-12/25

A: "His hands are, like, immaculate."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah. The man moisturizes."
-12/31

November 2007

"I feel like I'm in a competition with you...I don't feel like I'm in a competition with Lexie because she's clearly a robot."
-11/5

"I feel like Luka does need rescuing from these pincher-poker people."
-11/5

Re. aggressive anal sex:
"I feel like it would only be polite to offer crack at that point."
-11/5

"...so I think I understand where he was coming from...but he totally ruined that squirrel's life."
-11/5

"He has become the old lady he once mocked."
-11/5

"...No, you would be violating your own civil rights."
-11/5

"I feel like that was a creepy laugh...but there's a hamburger on this cat."
-11/10

"Leaving there I felt like I had just had sex...but without the guilt."
-11/11

"I've got this Chinese box that smells like old people."
-11/11

"Dude, if you're magnetizing the Jamaicans, you know that shit's cute!"
-11/12

A: "Do you remember owning a spur?"
B: "Not since high school."
-11/17

"The world is safe for democracy again...and dogs in cars!"
-11/19

"I didn't say she was gripping it in her vagina walls! (laughter:) Sorry I spit chip on you."
-11/20

"Seems like someone's always talkin' about Rilo Kiley and someone's always defensive."
-11/22

A: "How do you Photoshop coke?!"
-beat-
B: "You can Photoshop coke!"
-11/22

A: "Who brought the Foreman Grill?!"
B: "It's Jim's."
A: "Okay. (beat:) I'm a terrible person."
-11/22

"I'm an anxious yuppie, I realized...I'm still surprised I'm not a Jew."
-11/22

"It's not boring, it's different...you know how I like to make fun of things that are different."
-11/22

"I feel like I need a wheelbarrow for my stomach."
-11/22

"Nobody wants a penis with stuffing in it."
-11/22

"What is the War of 1812?...something I should know?"
-11/22

"Well, you don't get him to love you by walking like Frankenstein!"
-11/22

"I'm just stating the facts. I'm not making a sexist remark...you're the one who was saying you're jealous of a dog lickin' his balls."
-11/22

A: "Is he gay?"
B: "British."
-11/22

"Sorry, you guys, I totally failed. (beat:) I couldn't find my cowbell or my kazoo."
-11/23

"You're like a rowboat made of steel."
-11/24

"All right, I'll meet the goddamn baby!!"
-11/30

"Babymamma drama for real!...but without the baby."
-11/30