July 2006

"Do you need anything from my Apt.? No. The answer is no, unless what you need is soymilk...or a hamster."
-7/2

A: "What's that? Bibi slash?"
B: "No, get-well-soon pen."
-7/3

"Jenean, you work in Brentwood, can you explain the appeal of clogs?"
-7/3

"Thank you Jesus for not fucking me over."
-7/3

"Just use a goddamn O.B. -- I'll put it in for you."
-7/8

A: "Did you Google 'defiant kitten'?"
B: "Yes. And we found CKS -- Crazy Kitten Syndrome."
-7/15

Jenean: "I hate roommates! I'm glad I have Lindsay."
-7/15

"Man, these guys are fast! It's like having a conversation with an old person!"
-7/15

"Yeah. Well, I've already seen Eddie Izzard. Not that I wouldn't watch it again, but I'd be more excited to watch Hitler."
-7/16

"She's cute. I wish she was a puppy sometimes so we could get her clothes."
-7/18

June 2006

A: "Why didn't you come to my birthday party?"
B: "I was sick."
A: "Oh. Thank God you didn't come to my birthday party!"
-6/2

"Yeah. You couldn't hear the cowbell on some parts, like when I'm playing the cowbell?, and I was like, 'Um, that's kind of important!' "
-6/4

"I think if I had that equipment, I would make totally different music with it. Like, it would still be cool, but it wouldn't be gay."
-6/4

"It's like, tennis for nerds or something!"
-6/4

"The only person I know in Inherit the Wind is...Darwin."
-6/6

Exasperatedly:
"It has to lay flat, like a halo! It can't hang like a garter belt from a rearview mirror!"
-6/7

"It took them five years to plan a cruise that goes one way?!?"
-6/9

"Well, I love that in your mocking stupor you almost fell off the couch!"
-6/12

"Well, you know how she does it, all sensual, and I was like, 'This is my kitty, stop being sensual!' "
-6/12

Re. "poodle-type thing":
"Well, yes, it's a living thing, it has the potential to be sweet -- but don't tell me it was attractive."
-6/15

"...and we gotta take her ass to get spayed eventually!"
-6/15

"The ranch is very weird today. Not weird bad, but weird tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. (later:) Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as...gone bad."
-6/16

A: "Is that Elmer Fudd?"
-beat-
B: "...Tom Waits."
-6/19

Re. "Shinto" as the correct answer to a Jeopardy question:
"Of course he's gonna get it, he's Asian!"
-6/19

Straight lady: "Do you want to be a Disney character?"
Lesbian: "I did when I was younger."
Straight lady: "Did you want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid?"
Lesbian: "No...I wanted to be Aladdin."
-6/20

"Whoa, whoa! He is in blackface because black people are better athletes!"
-6/20

"'Bye!...I have to pee, so I'm saying goodbye now."
-6/20

"Who names their daughter Sioux?! Like the Indian. (beat:) Like, casino Indian."
-6/20

A: “She looks like Eleanor Frutt.”
B: “Who?”
A: “Camryn Manheim. (beat:) I’m not calling her fat. I’m calling her ugly.”
-6/20

"I hate...what is that show called? It's called...basketball."
-6/20

"So he's in Seattle now? With his people?...I mean, flannel shirt-wearing lesbians?"
-6/22

"Edgar. Let's get real here. Enough about bird diapers."
-6/23

"I'm surprised I wasn't fat as a child. But I was very active...running away from bullies."
-6/24

"So?! I can be prejudiced about one VHS and not another!"
-6/24

"Yeah, it was scary. So don't go into our downstairs bathroom by yourself...take a cat with you." -6/24

"Good night, you guys! Thanks for coming over...to Pam's place."
-6/24

"No, no. It wasn't like, 'R. Kelly keeps it so real, I can relate!' "
-6/24

"Well, she's way better, but she's crappier so I like her more."
-6/24

A: "Really?, they have a radio station at Chapman? When did that happen?"
B: "Forty years ago."
-6/24

"So I think Mom's getting you a knife and me some Trix."
-6/25

"I thought you wanted me to pumice your foot and I was like, 'All right, pumice foot.' "
-6/29

A: "Do you wanna watch Nacho Libre?"
B: "Nacho Libre? What's that? Cheese book?"
-6/29

May 2006

Assistant: "Sir?"
Boss: "Yes?"
Assistant: "There's a 'Freddy' on the line for you."
Boss: "I'll take her!"
-pause-
Assistant: "Sir?"
Boss: "Yes?"
Assistant: "It's not Freddi Gelfand. Rappaport. Whatever her name is...it's a boy."
-5/2

Outraged coworker: "I knew it!...these penis enlargement emails are so tricky!"
-5/4

"I keep running into Jen Beeman and it's starting to drive me crazy. (beat:) Did I tell you about the time I was locked in a box with her for five hours?"
-5/5

"I feel like I'm in a waiting room in the seventies!"
-5/5

"Twins?!, with Danny DeVito?! No wonder you became a lesbian!"
-5/5

"We can't look homeless, we're wearing pastels."
-5/7

"I only like the big poodles...they're sophisticated. Like Emmylou Harris."
-5/7

"I don't get David Blaine. I don't get it, Lindsay!...who is this Man of Magic?"
-5/8

"Ohhh boy those Catholics...they sure do put on a mass."
-5/19

"Oh, do you want to hear the ring I have for Parents? It's so annoying!"
-5/21

"The longer you chat, the more bananas I'm gonna eat. Stop me."
-5/21

"I don't know what I'm gonna wind up doing. I can't really imagine doing anything professional, unless it's just fucking around."
-5/21

Assistant: "Sir?"
Boss: "Don't talk to me. It's Game Seven."
-5/22

Re. Goebbels:
"Not that I'm pro-Nazi Party or anything, but I can appreciate a really good event planner."
-5/26

A: "I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you."
B: "Oh, that's so sweet!"
-5/28

On phone:
"Okay, enjoy Hotel Rwanda!"
-5/28

A: "I also cannot stand Cedric the Entertainer!"
B: "Mmm-mmmm!"
A: "See?! Nina's half black, and she doesn't like him either!"
-5/29

"Would you stop it?! Jesus Christ -- go get your burrito."
-5/29

April 2006

"Well, I know he's not a security guard 24/7, but now I'm all embarrassed to wear my footie pajamas!"
-4/3

Overheard on walkie-talkie frequency:
A: "Hey, it's working! What did you do? (pause:) Hey, what did you do? It was working!"
B: "I plugged it in."
A: "Plug it in again. It was working!"
-4/4

"You oughta see my tantrums...they're so cute!"
-4/6

A: "Audrey is Japanese!"
B: "Why, 'cause she can eat so much?"
-4/7

"Just the name -- the Viper Room -- makes me want to castrate men."
-4/7

Vet Tech: "Does your dog go by Mayo or Spiderman?"
Dog Owner: "Actually, he goes by both."
-4/8

"It's kind of endearing 'cause he's such a wiener, but it's kind of like, 'Stop being such a wiener!' "
-4/8

"I have to move some stuff...but it's not trash. That's the dif."
-4/8

A (incredulously): "You swallowed a marble as a child and never pooped it out?!"
B: "...I'm pretty sure."
-4/8

"But it was almost nonfaggy it was so faggy!...you know what I mean?"
-4/8

"But you guys, she's wearing a CBGBs t-shirt, so she's cool! Okay?"
-4/8

A: "I said 'potassium'."
B: "I thought she said 'poontassium'!"
-4/8

"She keeps saying, 'Get it on dooow-own!' like she was in Deee-Lite or something."
-4/8

"Because of this, we all realize that Chumbawamba has moved up a notch."
-4/8

"Yeah, thanks, Topper! Thanks for evening the scales...of rudeness!"
-4/8

A: "Canine?! Canine?!"
B: "What?! Do you mean dog-touching?!"
-4/8

"No, I'm better than this! It's just that it's dark in here, and my finger slipped."
-4/8

A: "Which one's Dorothy?"
B: "Bea Arthur!"
A: "Oh. Diss!"
-4/8

A: "Dorothy?! You mean gay?!"
B: "No...Golden Girls."
-4/8

Re. a MySpace friend request:
"Who's adding me now? Oh. Attila & the Huns...deny."
-4/8

"Ooohh!...you guys wanna see my rotting wisdom teeth?"
-4/8

A: "It was Rod Stewart that ended our relationship, Pam!"
B: "It kind of was...on a metaphorical level."
-4/8

"Whose dog would snort cocaine?...a gay man's poodle!"
-4/8

"It is good for you! Your daily source of PoonTassium."
-4/8

"Do you have a roach clip? Can we use a capo?"
-4/8

"If his tongue was chillin' on his paw, he liked it."
-4/8

"I don't know if it's the marijuana, the beer or the Enya, but I am relaxed."
-4/8

Re. a regular and 24-oz. can of beer:
"Awww, it looks like Mama Miller Lite Can and Baby Miller Lite Can!"
-4/8

Re. little yappy dogs:
"The man used to collect vintage clothing, what kind of a dog do you think he'd have?!"
-4/9

Re. socks:
"Holey ones it is...in honor of Papyra of Judas!"
-4/9

While flipping through a catalog:
"I'm tired of looking at luau stuff...Ooohh! Bandanas!"
-4/13

A: "I think I said something really inappropriate to Miguel last night."
B: "What?!"
A: "I asked him if he wanted to watch March of the Penguins with me."
-4/13

"Ooohh!, can we go to New York? The girl I have a crush on is now single."
-4/13

"It was shocking. I didn't even know they let white people have shows on UPN."
-4/25

"Seriously, when you think you've gotten the weirdest call you could get...someone calls about a conch shell."
-4/25

"What?! I could see naming it Spaghetti, but Spaghetti All Over Its Face Popple?! That's crazy talk!"
-4/27

A: "It's like that time you hit me in the crotch when I was putting on my sweatshirt!"
B: "That was so awesome!"
-4/27

March 2006

A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-3/1

"It's time. It's time. I'm 24, it's time to wear some shorts."
-3/1

Re. Flea the cat:
"Doesn't he look like a human inside of his face sometimes?"
-3/1

A: "How was your day, lady?"
B: "It was fine. I got assloads of little coffee cakes, though."
-3/3

"A smile and a good attitude is all you're bringin'...I have sunscreen."
-3/4

"It looks like ringworm, but I think it's just...that he attacked his nipple."
-3/5

"It's really overdoing it. It's like an SNL skit now."
-3/5

"I can smell the Febreze from here! Jesus...it's like living with David again."
-3/6

After finishing phone call with customer:
"Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!"
-3/6

"I think I need to experiment with different types of necklines."
-3/7

"Well, the point is...they wear unitards and helmets and do karate moves."
-3/7

A: "He wouldn't call you retarded."
B: "He might, Lindsay, he might. He's an awful man. (reflective pause:) No. Not really...just Asian."
-3/7

"They're such a great couple! Talk about nonmonogamy."
-3/9

"Oh my God I want this t-shirt so bad! Look at it...a hot dog high-fiving mustard!"
-3/9

"If this is hell it's pretty sweet!"
-3/10

"Educational building toy my foot! You just want to make a pirate castle."
-3/10

"No toys? That's really sad...what about Lego?"
-3/10

In a singsong voice, while looking out the window:
"Who wants to see a rainbow?...Pam?"
-3/10

"Nothing is sacred. Not Jesus, not babies, nothing."
-3/10

A: "If I had a ping-pong table would you play with me?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Do you think we'd get really good?"
B: "Yeah, we'd be like Asians!"
-3/10

"Well, the Chinese are amazing at everything...they're like Nazis!"
-3/10

A: "Sarah'd be happy. You would be happy. And Jon would be happy."
B: "It's true. We'd be like polygamists without the sex."
-3/10

A: "He's like the Gallagher boy."
B: "Liam?"
A: "I don't know. Either one that sucks."
-3/11

"Well, he did like the Cake-a-Walk, but he wouldn't like Lady of the Lake because he has prejudice in his heart."
-3/12

"I'm so relieved. I took my car to Jiffy Lube this morning. It needed coolant. It needed to chill."
-3/13

Lunatic coworker: "If Kathy has a BlackBerry, then that means I should have a BlackBerry."
-3/13

A: "I don't sleep soundly at all."
B: "Oh, man...you should join the Army."
-3/13

"Our first order of business is to write a lesbo movie that doesn't suck."
-3/14

"Are you mocking me with your nostrils?"
-3/16

"It's too hot. When it burns your diaphragm, it's too hot."
-3/18

Re. a suspected lesbian:
"She had volleyball written all over her."
-3/18

Re. Stevie Wonder presenting an award to R. Kelly:
"It's like, 'Stevie Wonder! Of course you're presenting him with an award, you've never seen him!"
-3/19

"I was like, 'What-eva!', and I pooped! I can do what I want!"
-3/20

A: "What was the Word of the Day yesterday?"
B (pause): "You mean from Dictionary.com?"
A: "Yeah."
B: "Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails."
A: "Oh, I don't either. I just wanted to know what it was."
-3/21

"She looks like she's drunk or on drugs or something. Maybe it's the weight of her bangs holding down her eyelid."
-3/21

"...and he's wearing white shoes, where is he, Florida?!"
-3/21

A: "She may have become a nun."
B: "Seriously?"
A: "That's what I've heard."
-beat-
B: "That would explain why she's not on MySpace."
-3/23

A hands B a paper clip bent into the shape of a heart.
B: "Thank you! I will treasure it."
A: "No -- use it as a weapon."
B: "I will treasure it and use it as a weapon."
-3/24

"I know Lindsay is all about the trivia...but I don't think we'll ever get her inside a Hooters!"
-3/24

A: "Like I don't want to be there?! To see my mom get married?! She birthed me!...you know."
B: "I know."
-3/25

"I've been having a really hard time telling middle-aged white men apart lately?"
-3/25

"...Also, another gay thing about the terrier? The terrier has Seasonal Affective Disorder."
-3/25

"Wait, we talk about Teri Hatcher, we just don't talk about how her eyelids look like labia."
-3/25

"...so it was fun, I had some wine and a Percoset...and watched The Goonies."
-3/26

"My grandmother used to say, 'Eat through the pain,' but she was a very large woman."
-3/27

"You know what? Sometimes, I would kill for chopped liver."
-3/27

"...So I'm broke, but I have a dog with short toenails!"
-3/27

"I'm happy to announce that we have an assortment of muffins here."
-3/28

Disgustedly, while looking at an accounting report:
"Is that still that Mendelsohn/Zien shit penny sittin' in there?!"
-3/28

A: "Do you crave fatty foods at that time of the month?"
B: "I pretty much crave food all the time."
A: "Really? That's cool."
-3/28

“It’s weird having a wife! I wanted to stay up and go on the internet, but I had to go to bed.”
-3/28

Re. Belle & Sebastian:
"The songs would be so much better if they were sung by someone who had some balls...or a lady."
-3/28

"Sometimes you do bad things and you feel good about it."
-3/31

February 2006

A: "He doesn't eat hot dogs?! What kind of cat doesn't eat hot dogs?!"
B: "This one!"
-2/2

"She wanted to savor each bite, but she was all Tori Amos about it and droolin' on herself."
-2/2

"Please don't ever say your cat ravaged you again."
-2/2

Re. Superbowl party:
A: "Will there be game-playing?"
B: "Well...the people on the screen are the ones playing the game...it's not like a baby shower!"
-2/4

"Look at this puppy!!...ignore the tartan...just look at the puppy."
-2/7

"I'm gonna make it a hobby of mine to pick a new cheese every time I walk into a grocery store."
-2/7

"What's something that you can eat or drink that makes you feel really good?...Besides drugs?"
-2/12

"No, no, we're not talking about 'Kumbaya', we're talking about 'Coonrod'."
-2/13

Re. belly buttons:
"It's just 'cause it feels weird. Like, I feel it in my crotch...and not in a good way."
-2/18

"Two weeks?! I don't fuckin' need two weeks! It's a three-page paper...about statues!"
-2/19

A: "Oh yeah?! I'll do my Tejano riff!"
B: "Oh, shit...she said 'riff'!!"
-2/19

A: "This is horrifying!"
B: "Well...'cause of my tight-mouth!"
-2/19

Re. cats' love of paper:
"Like, it owns them. Even the big ones...even the big ones. If there's a business card on the floor, they will go for it."
-2/19

"Oh, just leave my albino face alone! I can't help it!"
-2/19

"It could possibly be that I was high, and my mitts are all tingly and I was rubbin' 'em."
-2/19

"Topper just bit his foot, and then licked it twice...and then he was done."
-2/19

"This makes me think of, like, Superman's winter lair."
-2/19

"All this Cell Phone talk is stressing me out."
-2/19

Re. a picture of Flea the cat:
"Wait, was Kate Stewart mesmerized by him?"
-2/19

"Like, he ruined my suitcase...and there are valuable videocassettes in that basket!"
-2/19

"Seriously, I snorted cookie tonight...I'm not up for this."
-2/19

"So, wait. Are you telling me that you're moving or that you created a massive swoop?"
-2/19

Re. Thomas Kinkade prints:
"They are luminous. (beat:) That's a good descriptive word."
-2/19

Re. Madonna:
"Everyone else has a Black Album...she has to have a White Album."
-2/19

Very seriously:
"It was a hidden, deeply- ...wait, what was that you were saying about shorts??"
-2/19

"No, I know, it's just...don't compare sexiness with Kathleen Turner."
-2/19

"Do you guys ever feel dominated by the fat on your legs?"
-2/19

A: "Like, when you look at this picture what do you see? I mean, what profession would I be?"
B: "Ummm...a pastor's wife?"
-2/19

A: "Did you sit next to anyone cool on the plane?"
B (disgustedly): "No. I sat by a woman."
-2/22

"I like to wear a jacket. It completes my look. (beat:) And it's a blazer, not a jacket."
-2/22

A: "Are you from the South?"
B: "Southern Illinois. I count that."
-2/23

"I was trying to give her a good analogy, but I ended up just making everyone uncomfortable."
-2/23

"Ughhh...Lindsay couldn't eat a Krispy Kreme. (beat:) Or a bran muffin."
-2/23

A: "What does it taste like?"
B: "Uhhh...not good. (beat:) Notice I'm clearing the sink in case I puke."
-2/23

"My consciousness was of Step, Step...Ass, Ass, Ass, Ass...then, Stop."
-2/23

"I need to change. Sorry it took so long to realize I look like an ass!"
-2/23

"Brad?! Brad was destroyed. By a heinous beast who doctored a picture of Elijah Wood!"
-2/23

A: "You've been to Canada, haven't you?"
B: "Well, yes, to Flintstoneland, when I was like seven."
-2/23

Re. "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent:
"It's a song you sing in your bedroom and figure out what harmony you would be. That's it! You don't take it public!"
-2/23

"You are my Google, Lindsay...as well as my dictionary.com."
-2/23

Pam re. Lindsay: "She likes shiny things...I like argyle."
-2/24

"She was really good! Like, almost better than Cher!"
-2/24

Coworker A: "Can you hold on there a second? I've got a paper that I think you'll wanna have."
Coworker B (hopefully): "Is it my walking papers?"
-2/24

Coworker, while writing in farewell card: "Is 'riddance' with one 'D' or two 'D's??"
-2/24

"Pamela, I have to tell you that I was quite taken with your bathmats."
-2/24

"I find it confusing too, Sarah. But then again, I do have a brain injury."
-2/24

"Lindsay, that is Aunt Jemima. When you see her, you know."
-2/24

A: "I think it's just a racist figurine!"
B: "Well...it's a racist figurine and Aunt Jemima."
-2/24

"But where's my bathroom?!...I feel like I'm in an episode of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark'!"
-2/24

"This is like...they set it up for awkward moments...you know?"
-2/24

"Why is there a tree out here?!...Are we outside?!!" -2/24

LINDSAY: "Where are you ladies going?"
ADAM: "I'm going down there."
-2/24

"I'm sure there is an ATM very close...But I don't know, it's the Valley."
-2/24

A: "Where's the prototype?!"
B: "In my vagina."
-2/24

A: "Lindsay, I verified it!"
B: "Yeah, with a gay man!"
A (heatedly): "There was a woman there too!!"
-2/24

"Let's go dumpster-diving. Like, all the time. We could get, like, wetsuits."
-2/24

"Gold medal or not, she's still Michelle Kwan!"
-2/24

"I just kept thinking about...how can it be comfortable to keep moving your mouth up and down...so fast!"
-2/24

"I'm just realizing how truly homosexual it was when I went on that rant about Janice Dickinson!" -2/24

"I have a very vivid memory of the P.E. teacher saying, 'Girls...and Adam...shhhh!'"
-2/25

"Well, it's just too flavorful. You know me, I don't like flavor overload."
-2/25

"What's a bovine? Is that a snake?"
-2/25

A: "But what is the dance supposed to be?"
B: "It's a hammer and saw! It's self-explanatory!"
-2/25

"If you have ever eaten in a real Texas barbeque, there are no Asians or cracked peanuts!!"
-2/25

Re. Joni Mitchell:
"I think it is folk...but I still like it."
-2/25

"I know the town better than you do, and I never saw any lesbians or beer...all right?"
-2/25

"I need another Coke. I had a really long day. I had a three-hour clown party today."
-2/25

"Circle up, kids, it's carpet time!"
-2/25

"A little thigh goes a long way...POP! (beat:) I need to stop drinking Coca-Cola."
-2/25

"Uhhh...quotes! Those are great for cross-stitching!"
-2/25

A: "So if I were to roll out on you in a hamster ball...I would be gay?"
B: "Uhhh...yes."
-2/25

"I haven't seen her since the Viper Room, either...I think she's gotten bad taste since then!"
-2/25

"I didn't envy him at all! He wore flip-flops and a blazer...come on!"
-2/25

"I feel so disconnected without access to MySpace!"
-2/26

Re. conservative parenting:
"I wasn't supposed to know about my period, apparently...like Carrie!"
-2/26

"I was Fat Blossom. It's no fun being Fat Blossom."
-2/26

A: "Like who in Les Miz?"
B: "Gavroche."
-beat-
A: "Oh, okay."
-2/26

Dejectedly:
"Ohhh!, I'm a giant like Macy Gray!"
-2/26

A: "...foamed at the mouth, foamed at the mouth --"
B: "She was frothy."
-2/26

Fiercely:
"Good night!, good night!...I will leave some blankets out, and a pillow!"
-2/26

"I'm sorry, I'm usually so fun!"
-2/26

"I think I've finally made the change from a Sweet to a Savory."
-2/26

"No place in the entire city of San Francisco had a long curly black wig. (beat:) I was ready to slit my wrists right there and call it done."
-2/26

"My favorite movie, reminds me of my childhood, she hates it. But. Renee Zellweger. Reminds me of the Albino."
-2/26

A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-2/26

A: "It's like a positive Tourette's!"
B: "Yeah...I think I'm the first person who's ever spun Tourette's that way."
-2/28

An explanation of cell phone ringtones:
"Yeah...there's only, like, four people I like, and they're chimps. The rest are toilets."
-2/28

"But does that make me weird? That I'm, like, a weird science nerd in my head?"
-2/28