January 2009

"You know who would love that outfit? Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis."
-1/8

Boss: "That would be a good book. 'Words I've Put In Your Mouth'."
-1/20

"He looks like a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Keith Richards."
-1/27

Boss: "I would clone the wrong people, probably. (beat:) I would start with the Olsen Twins."
-1/30

"Okay. So why is that news? It's a phallic tree."
-1/30

December 2008

"You don't sneak up on a woman when she's wearing a pad."
-12/2

"I will definitely mistake my cell phone vibrating for labor."
-12/4

"Sometimes it takes three times to poop on something before it gets the picture."
-12/6

"Be careful, you're gonna burn your slacks."
-12/6

"I told my friends I was gonna be a gay elf...for Christmas."
-12/6

"At least an anchor's honorable."
-12/6

"You look like you're in Tron right now, by the way."
-12/6

"I'm gonna take the salsa out of my room 'cause it's, like, permeating everything."
-12/6

"It's weird, 'cause my brother is still my brother, but now he has weird underwear and doesn't drink stuff."
-12/6

An instant message chat excerpt:
ain't nothing wrong with a hippogriff
-12/8

"When they heard that bang, they panicked and they ate all their children."
-12/10

"He's gentle. He's like Harry Potter."
-12/13

"It was like Laura Ingalls -- like slutty Laura Ingalls."
-12/14

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: ...wait, is time vegan?
B: time or thyme?
B: oh Tim, no, he just likes candy
-12/16

Coworker: "I just feel like we're really missing an opportunity not to have Big Hat Day here."
-12/18

Coworker A: "It's a big motherfuckin' hat, is what that is!"
Coworker B: "That's no joke."
-12/18

Boss, on phone: "Let me ask Henry 'cause I sit right by him. (swivels in chair and shouts to Henry:) Boob job!!"
-12/18

Boss: "Just focus in on the baby Jesus."
-12/23

A: "Acrobats stress me out. Like, what if you knew one in real life?"
B: "Mmmm...that would be stressful."
-12/23

"Her face looks bottom-heavy. Like if you put her face on a table and tried to push it over it wouldn't tip."
-12/27

"I'm sure he has anecdotes -- he's gay!"
-12/29

Boss shouting across office: "Man covered in feces?! I think we need to put that in More News."
-12/31

"They're all Germans, gay, or gay Germans. (beat:) Or frat boys."
-12/31

"Chinese fighting robes...big whoop. This lady had a teapot on her head."
-12/31

"Peeing in your mouth is way more intimate."
-12/31

"Okay, now the poop is an obese man struggling!"
-12/31

"I got ill thinking about a plant coming out of my bottom."
-12/31

November 2008

Teen girl in bagel store, re. the Cardigans' "Lovefool": "I love this song. I really like old-fashioned music."
-11/1

"(Gasp:) More sock monkeys!"
-11/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
OMG.....I wish you were there last night at our place when Tom farted
the conversation that happened after the fart would've made your quote book
Tom: FART
Yuki: Wow, that was a glorious one
Tom: Yeah, it's like my ass massaged itself!
Yuki: ROFL!!!!!!!
I know, TMI.
-11/6

"I walked in and heard someone say, 'Are they truly looking for ninja weapons?' and then I left."
-11/6

Boss, on discovering an unused file cabinet: "We can get babies and let them nap in here!"
-11/6

Coworker A, re. a vacant row of cubicles: "What did you do with all the people over here?"
Coworker B: "They all decided, what's the point?"
-11/6

"Chipotle is my bitch."
-11/7

"I think I've opened your cheese mind."
-11/7

A: "Four months into their relationship he peed on her fridge."
B: "That's more of a year thing."
-11/7

A: "I think I was at the Abbey when I first asked that question to a person."
B: "It's a learnin' place."
-11/7

A: "Well, they are sneaky."
B: "They are, they will sneak up on you and lick your knuckles."
-11/7

A (disgustedly): "Have you all seen Hercules?!"
B (emphatically): I have not!"
-11/7

"I did meet her -- she was (clucks tongue:) -- what a hitter."
-11/7

"Killer whales are dicks."
-11/7

"...I feel pretty good about taking old medicine."
-11/7

A: "It's a sign of love."
B: "Urine?!!"
-11/10

"Optimism is the new pessimism!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
how can someone hate whales?
i mean if you are a seal I GET it
but other than that
-11/12

"Yeah...I'm crazy 'cause I don't like eatin' tentacles!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: Hey, let's go to the Hollywood Improv and see Greg Proops this weekend!
B: oh no!
B: he's back?
A: yep!
A: he's back and he's straight/gayer than ever!
-11/13

A: "Dude, I know how I'm gonna look in twenty years."
B: "Really? How?"
A: "Hot."
-11/13

Re. pineapples:
"It's the Lord showin' off, once again."
-11/14

Boss: "It's not stalking anymore. It's Facebook."
-11/18

"What do you mean, 'the kid'?! He's clearly a bisexual adult male!"
-11/18

An instant message chat excerpt:
whatever miniscule scrap of empathy I might have had for al qaida evaporated today
-11/19

"Let me tell ya. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it for the money. (beat:) Considering the money's shit."
-11/24

"All right. I'm learning to control my anger. (beat:) Would you like some cornbread?"
-11/27

"My gay boss wears that shirt."
-11/29

October 2008

"Navy is really dark."
-10/3

"Hello, remember when we tried to walk home from downtown Long Beach? You barfed on the sidewalk all the way home!"
-10/3

"That's like the time I threw up on the Pakistani fraternity!"
-10/3

"Was it racist in the way of, like, Australians?"
-10/3

Re. astrology:
A: "I'm pretty spot-on with my sign."
B: "I am too! I have a foot fetish with my own feet."
-10/3

A: "You are bossy."
B: (gasp:) "I am so bossy!"
-10/3

A: "I threw up in my rubber boat shoe the last time I had seafood."
B: "You have a rubber boat shoe?!"
-10/3

"It's scary as in (drops voice to a whisper:) gangs!"
-10/3

"I don't think I want a Narnia tattoo."
-10/4

"I have an old-timey collection of seashells."
-10/4

Male Boss A: "Do you ever read Jezebel?"
Male Boss B: "Am I a lady?"
-10/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i love greek food, therefore i love tom hanks
they go hand and hand
-10/16

Boss: "Let's bring back McCarthyism."
-10/22

"Nothing says '37-year-old gay man' like the Nissan Altima."
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: we can allow the word douche right
A: in comments
A: can we approve a coment
A: that sasys "Bill's a douche"
B: no douche!
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i was hiking and ran into some cows
i was kind of scared.
they're pretty big you know
and they were staring at me.
-10/24

A: "So excited about the sea dragons!"
B: "I'm so excited about this 22-year-old girl!"
-10/27

"...but I think he had a stroke. And he's young. (beat:) That made me happy. Real happy."
-10/31

"I suppose if anyone could have vegan flesh it would be Jesus."
-10/31

September 2008

"They are a family to whom God gave the wife a cast-iron uterus."
-9/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
I just typed this!!!
"do you think it is insensitive to have an ice cream social on sept. 11th?"
-9/2

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
you know, rescheduling this ice cream social means that the terrorists DID win\
-9/2

"Christmas is comin', and you know what that means! (beat:) Someone's gettin' cable!"
-9/2

"What??! They stole your boat and gave you a noodle?!?!"
-9/2

"I think you're ready for the leaking-fluid photo spot if you need it."
-9/3

"Baby Jesus is against shrimp-flavored crackers."
-9/3

Boss re. online video: "You want to listen to it again so you can hear the 'fuck it'?"
-9/3

"Arhhhhhh!, I missed Bob Dylan last night -- that's why the Lord put me to sleep!"
-9/4

"I don't want to eat pussy -- but I like hangin' out with ya!"
-9/6

"Star Wars boy -- one with the yarmulke? -- he may be coming."
-9/6

"Writing and sex are different!"
-9/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: by garden squirrel you mean the plastic one that was in your room that Django loves?
B: no, the other one, the one that used to hold my keys
-9/11

"Wait, it's a wedding and a basketball game?!"
-9/12

"It modulates the amplitude...right?"
-9/12

"He resembles a lot of mammals."
-9/16

"Oh my God I love those mug shots!"
-9/17

"There's nothing erotic about beer pong."
-9/17

"Sean is like the funnier, meaner, Richard Simmons."
-9/18

Boss: "Should I give this porn star money?"
-9/18

Boss: "Oohh! NFL's hottest Latino cheerleaders!"
-9/18

A: "Do you want to go to the breastmilk restaurant?"
-beat-
B: "Yeah, kinda!"
-9/18

Re. "extreme bocce":
A: "What makes it extreme?"
B: "Cactus."
-9/20

A: "He's probably just praisin' Jesus."
B: "He's about to invade Poland!"
-9/20

"He likes to look at cats he doesn't like!!"
-9/20

"You know, another way I don't want to die is to be mauled to death by a dog."
-9/22

Boss, re. coworker's child: "That was a pretty adorable fella, I gotta say. (beat:) No more abortions."
-9/23

Boss: "I want a midget and a juice machine."
-9/26

"All right -- well, if Kennedy doesn't die, someone's gonna have to answer to me."
-9/26

Boss to employee: "Are you a fan of vampires?"
-9/29

Boss: "When you have kids are you gonna take them to court?"
Employee: "What?!"
Boss: "I mean, church?"
-9/30

August 2008

Boss: "What was the drink I was going to drink?"
Peon: "Hemlock."
-beat-
Boss: "Thank you!"
-8/1

"You're still thinking about it. (beat:) Because I was thinking you had a mild case of Tourette's."
-8/12

"It's like Polarfleece for your lady parts."
-8/14

"They let skinheads in there, of course they're gonna let a penis in!"
-8/14

"You met Mo. She used to put sugar gliders in her boobs."
-8/14

"A giant penis. You know what that is to a baby?! A slide."
-8/14

"That's okay. But it doesn't make it Hawaiian, it makes it pork-lovin'!"
-8/15

"I had an ex-boyfriend who was Hawaiian, and his slang made me want to kill myself."
-8/15

"You know what?! You can't spill a baby, they'll die."
-8/15

"I would love to get your sperm in the mail."
-8/15

"Lindsay, please. (beat:) I always have paper."
-8/15

"A village fucks a baby."
-8/15

"I'm going to the bathroom with Pam because apparently I'm a woman."
-8/15

"I respect art when it goes balls-to-the-wall."
-8/15

"You know I will find a drag queen event to wear that to."
-8/15

"You looked at Disneyland with disdain and I was ready to brawl."
-8/15

"About Disney -- about transgendered people -- about everything."
-8/15

"I felt so much more comfortable with who I am when I found out I shared a birthday with [Ellen DeGeneres] and Eddie Van Halen."
-8/16

"I got written up for having a conversation with a customer about bestiality."
-8/16

"I love Pam. Pam changed me once."
-8/16

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
the puppets were SO scary
i don't care if they were singing about jesus or not!
-8/25

Boss, re. evolution: "Why are there still monkeys?"
-8/25

"Does Jesus mess with me about dating young girls? No. Therefore, he can hurricane whatever he wants."
-8/28

"I'm namin' my first son Dio."
-8/28

"You are so lucky he doesn't have an opposable thumb."
-8/29

"It shows what a fine line it is between finding a drinking buddy and committing manslaughter."
-8/31