August 2009

A: "Are they hippie bells?"
B: "Sorta...I think they're Tibetan."
-8/1

"Well, I do know where you live...and I want to see your rat run around in that ball."
-8/3

Boss: "Ooohh!...It's National Breastfeeding Month!"
-8/5

"Oh shit! I forgot to read the Bible yesterday!"
-8/24

Boss, on inventing a fake obituary for himself: "Wouldn't that be great? Racist, hateful...a little dirty..."
-8/27

July 2009

A: "We're talking about poop."
B: "Rape protection!"
-7/2

"Wait, are you talking about Republicanism or hate?"
-7/2

"I like Nick Nolte...I like the Irish...and I like prostitutes."
-7/2

"She looks Jewish, meaning not gay."
-7/8

"I don't know. Lesbians aren't into singing pretty."
-7/8

"Well, yeah. They are complete douchebags, but when has that stopped you from liking someone?"
-7/8

"Stop with your fucking white reggae, please!"
-7/8

A: "Let's groom him this weekend."
B: "Groom him?! Are we gonna drug him?!"
A: "Yeah."
-7/10

Boss: "Wanna see a dog with a fork in its head?"
-7/13

"Fair enough. I don't mind being bad cop to Betty White."
-7/16

An AIM chat transcript:
A: what advice did you give him?
B: where to get drugs, how to bribe cops, how to avoid crime, you know, the usual
B: oh, and where to find a lovely brunch
-7/16

A: "Have you ever eaten a salad?"
B: "I have. It's not for me."
-7/16

"You know what our favorite thing to do is? Get a little too drunk and watch the dog show."
-7/18

"It'll be like the best day ever. I'll get to dance, drink Squirt and recycle."
-7/20

Boss: "Would you pay 200 bucks to pet a whale?"
-7/21

Boss: "Wait, did my uncle die?"
-7/21

Boss: "I'm going to drink this weekend with a man from the Homeland Security Department."
-7/24

Spoken aloud while typing into Google search bar:
"Human birth...pooped on..."
-7/24

Boss: "I listen to Lily Allen, Avril Lavigne and Taylor Swift almost every day."
-7/30

June 2009

"They're so much better than Cheetos -- they're, like, the thinking man's Cheetos."
-6/1

"All you people with your rapes!"
-6/11

"Well, not all cats are murderers!"
-6/11

"It's only ass-kissing if you think someone is above you."
-6/11

"You know what? All my exes live in Texas!...I'm a country song like you wouldn't believe."
-6/11

Re. a biracial friend:
"That's the thing, I've got twice as much racism I can spew on her."
-6/12

"It's scientifically freakin' me out!"
-6/16

An AIM chat excerpt, re. a dog recovering from illness:
A: he's great
B: yay!
A: as good as new
A: but half as bitey
-6/16

A: "I was thinking of you yesterday."

B: "Why?"

A: "Because the number-one astronomer is a black dude!"

-6/18

"Honestly, I have never had a good pickle in a deli."

-6/19

A: "You think skunky is sexy?"

B: "Can be. Can be."

-6/20

"A lot of cartoon nudity goin' on there!"
-6/23

"Does your mother know you're eating out of vending machines?"
-6/24

Boss: "I'm stealing a slice of somebody's pepperoni. Screw you."

-6/25

Mother: "Can you give me a kiss on the cheek?"

Twentysomething daughter: "No, you're being weird."'

Mother: "Please?"

Twentysomething daughter: "Fine."

Mother: "Your skin looks good."

-6/30

May 2009

"Their panties are like sweatpants for your vagina."

-5/3

"It's the whole 'lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.' (beat:) I hate Usher, but that was wise."

-5/3

Boss: "Thank you for allowing me to panic with you this afternoon."
-5/8

"Do you know what Rhode Island is known for? Their seafood, seashore and costume jewelry."
-5/13

Boss: "I learned about sausages this morning."
-5/13

Boss: "Can I get back to you? I'm in the middle of a Twitter emergency."
-5/15

A: "Are you a hippie?"
B: "No, but I do prefer going barefoot."
-5/18

A: "Did you vote last night?"
B: "Yeah, I actually voted for some of the propositions."
--beat--
A: "No, I mean for Idol!"
-5/20

"I'm not worried about the Bacon Beat."
-5/20

"Hey, I like bacon and maple syrup as much as the next guy, but not with alcohol."
-5/20

"Isn't this great? You can do your own dental work now!"
-5/20

"He kinda looks like a seal with a headdress."

-5/20

"It's hard to hate a guy that's so nice...but it's not impossible."
-5/22

"A hug from behind's fine, but, like...a linger from behind?"

-5/24

"Come on, California. How am I ever supposed to have forbidden pre- or extra-marital sex? Give me some 'marital' to work with."
-5/27

"Who do I really hate? Do I hate anyone here? (beat:) Oh, crap! I forgot to call Joe back!"

April 2009

Boss, blowing nose: "What if I'm allergic to kitty litter?"
-4/1

Boss: "Can I drink on antibiotics?"
-4/3

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
A: i kind of want to cry about that
A: it is so precious
A: they are so simple
B: yeah, dogs love bacon
-4/3

"Hello! I don’t need to know that you’re a divorced man and a part-time father!"
-4/8

"Could you please clarify? Is your son a bastard or not?"
-4/8

Boss: "If I go tonight, this will be my third Britney Spears concert."
-4/16

Boss in meeting: "You know, I'm just going to shut my mouth because I'm not really feeling that well?, and I'm on a lot of drugs right now."

-4/17

"Vegetables taste so good when you eat them of your own volition -- you know what I’m sayin’?"
-4/20

A: "She’s teasing you."
B: "Wouldn’t be the first time a teenage girl had done that to me. (beat:) On Facebook."
-4/20

Re. Montecito:
A: "It's old money and Oprah."
B: "Well, she's old."
-4/21

"Can I send a twit on Tweeter?"
-4/22

"Right, because we wouldn't know anything about Britney Spears...or about placenta sandwiches."
-4/22

"Baseball are the biggest dicks!"
-4/22

Man on the street: "I fell in love with this tree!"
-4/23

"It's just dusty, like...in the world."
-4/23

Re. Facebook photo:
A: "That's her other sister."
B: "Mmmm. (beat:) They do look Asiany."
-4/23

Boss A: "I do not have Swine Flu."
Boss B: "But I want you to have Swine Flu!"
-4/24

"Either she's a very strong woman or that's a tiny scooter!"
-4/29

March 2009

"COBRA. It's an acronym, it stands for...C-O-B-R-A."
-3/5

Boss on phone: "It's fuckin' Lucky Charms! Goodbye. Have a good weekend."
-3/6

A: "It's like a window into the abyss of hell."
B: "That's what I want!"
-3/9

A: "Jevon always works it out."
B: "I think it's all the candy."
-3/9

Boss: "I'm blaming you for the stock market's performance today."
-3/11

"Do we have a photo of someone licking a fish?…'cause if we do, that's going on the homepage."
-3/12

"That is all I am. I am a shell without television."
-3/12

"All I know is, if they would do this to an unwed mother, think what they would do to puppies."
-3/12

Employee to boss going on vacation: "So I'll see you in a week and a half?"
Boss: "It's not even that bad…it's, like, ten days."
-3/12

"A robot that feels. That's my sister's ultimate fear. (beat:) No fuckin' joke."
-3/14

"Maybe you just have a really high butt crack!"
-3/14

A: "It's so weird, my legs feel like I've been walking around all day."
B: "Maybe it's your pants."
-3/14

"He just likes to make his hat askew and throw things."
-3/14

A: "We rode on a plane with George Burns, didn't we?"
B: "He's dead."
-3/14

Re. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer":
"I don't know anyone who likes it that isn't a girl or a lesbian."
-3/14

A: "He can sing. He can dance. He's Wolverine."
B: "He is a triple threat."
-3/14

"Wait -- but you can't be relaxed if you're -- peeing!"
-3/14

"She doesn't pee on her feet and then walk around!"
-3/14

"You can drink pee! It's like a beverage!"
-3/14

"You know what's the best? Drunk shower-peeing."
-3/14

"Let's not talk about 'Kill Bill' or peeing as a man."
-3/14

"Jon thinks I'm mad at him because he can pee through a penis."
-3/14

"Unless you have an infection, peeing always feels good."
-3/14

"I said 'mime' and you looked like I barfed in your mouth!"
-3/14

Re. Larry King:
"Doesn't his son want to be something? Like black?"
-3/14

A instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
thats right
deal with it missy
and then see what you have to say about my butter cow
-3/16

"We're in a pirate bar, too, so, either way -- if it's not Irish, it's pirate."
-3/17

A: "There's a fat person on the homepage."
B: "Straight or gay?"
-3/18

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
i am so hungry
it's sad
this is what poverty must feel like
and frankly i don't like it, but they are thin
-3/19

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
whoa!
who gives a dog an enema?
stranger still
who gives a dog an enema at a mall?!?!
-3/19

Boss to coworker who lost a filling: "Too much taffy over the weekend!"
-3/23

"I do not know why i have procrastinated...I just want to go home and vomit some more."
-3/27

A: "This doesn't look like the L.A. Times, does it?"
B: "No...it looks awesome."
-3/27

Re. bolognese sauce
"That is the bomb right there. You can serve that to a female…she’ll marry you."
-3/31

"Man, the Bible's gettin' good right now!"
-3/31