April 2005

Incredulously:
"Have you never had a mediocre Kalamata?!!"
-4/13

Re. opening an espresso stand:
A: "There's one up for sale...by Wal-Mart."
B: "Well...location, location, location!"
-4/13

" 'Let my people go!'...that's what that jam's about."
-4/13

Re. an African-themed mural:
"But what is that black Egyptian doing there? I mean, aren't Egyptians all white? (pause:) I mean, olive-toned?"
-4/13

Re. African-themed mural:
"Is that woman half-bird, or is she holding a canoe?...That's so weird!"
-4/13

A: "You can Google anyone."
B: "You can't Google me."
A: "I guarantee you I can Google you."
B: "Well, there is this one Cease and Desist response letter to Yoko Ono...which I'm not going to go into."
-4/13

"Ohhh...those three little bits of cheese I ate just now?...that did it. I'm Thanksgiving-full now."
-4/13

"...and we almost ended up in the International District?...'cause we were, like, five kids with no sense of direction...in more ways than one??"
-4/13

A: "I'm like a transexual!"
B: "Yes, a crazy one!, like you need a map to figure it out!...that's so cool!"
-4/22

"I'm going to have church with that Sourdough Jack!!"
-4/22

"Yeah, you could have just put it in the cup holder instead of calling me Root Beer Lady."
-4/22

"Uh-oh...I've got a visitor under my blanket."
-4/23

March 2005

"...But they were all alternative-school kids?...so they actually knew how to throw a Frisbee?"
-3/1

"Sometimes I like to bless things I don't like. That way no one gets mad. (beat:) Except maybe God?"
-3/1

A: "Wait, Isaac Hayes isn't dead!"
B (confirming): "Isaac Hayes isn't dead."
C: "I never said he was dead!!"
-3/1

"If you don't know what's going on, just quote Ol' Dirty Bastard. And it will see you through. (beat:) I swear to motherfucking God."
-3/1

After going-away party:
"I just feel sick. Like I'm gonna throw up. (pause:) Maybe I'm allergic to sentiment."
-3/3

"There's this lady in the building...I can't tell if she's a lesbian, or if she's just from the South."
-3/3

"I don't want Barbies or anything, just the dollhouse. (pause:) Well, maybe some tiny bears."
-3/9

"There is no truce in throwing small objects at butts!"
-3/9

A: "Where do you live in Ephrata?"
B: "I do not live in Ephrata."
A: "Well...where does your mother live?"
B: "On Road 9, by the sign that says 'PARROTS FOR SALE'. (pause:) And they're her parrots."
-3/23

February 2005

"You just committed musical murder."
-2/3

"He was born with just a nub, and girls loved the nub love, he just had a nub, and he was hot."
-2/3

A, B (singing): "Announcements, Announcements, Announcements --"
C (spoken, aside): "Wait, is there an announcement, or is this it?"
-2/3

"You could have died with your dick outta your pants, and it would have been dishonorable!"
-2/3

"Wait! I have putty in my hand. I hope you're okay with that."
-2/3

A: "I have fucked up everything in this apartment."
B: "No, you have not -- just sit down, we're gonna play Catchphrase."
-2/3

"Plus, Tim Curry's so weird, how could you not want to see him dressed as a pirate and surrounded by muppets?"
-2/5

Re. attending first-ever Superbowl party:
A: "How was it?"
B: "It was pretty much what you'd expect...lots of beer...and meats...and chips and dip...all of which I love."
-2/6

"Wait, I cut the fauxhawk because I wanted to ruin the wedding."
-2/10

"I'll call you about the wicker chair...it's important."
-2/10

"I almost knocked this beer bottle in my forehead-skull!"
-2/19

"Ooohh, the devil's gotta sit on a tack to stay!"
-2/19

A: "Did you just drop something?"
B: "Yes I did...it was the macaroni puzzle."
-2/23

Urgently:
"Quick, before Allegra sees the beans!!"
-2/23

A: "Did you sell wares?!"
B: "At the Renaissance Faire? [Person A nods.] NO!...I did hair-braiding."
-2/24

"God damn it, Oprah Winfrey, stop presenting things!"
-2/24

"BRING me a lesbian!! Bring it, crack it, bring it!!!!"
-2/25

A: "What was the name of your vibrator, was it Pedro -- or Paco?"
B: "No, it was my first one, Sergei."
A: "What?, why did I say Pedro? Where did that come from?"
-pause-
C: "My first goat's name was Pedro."
-2/25

Re. a hospital restroom:
A: "Good lord, that smells really bad!"
-beat-
B (matter-of-factly): "It always smells like cinnamon to me."
-2/25

"Your coat is on the couch...uh...davenport."
-2/25

"Lindsay, hold on, can I call you 'Lindsay Rae, Born in May'??"
-2/25

"Don't get me tappin'!"
-2/25

"I want you to make fun of me, that's why I fell in love with you!"
-2/25

A: "One day- we are going to make dinner. And then we are going to play music. And we will dance, because we are dancers!!"
B: "Wait...wait...do you believe it?"
A: "And I think we should move the furniture out of the way, and drink lots of wine and dance."
-2/25

"I said, 'I'm gonna wear these pearls for the rest of my life!!' And I thought, I'm exquisite!"
-2/25

A: "Are you gonna eat that?"
B: "I can."
A: "Well, I don't want it in my boobs."
-2/25

"Hey!, have you seen our bonsai tree?"
-2/25

"Don't talk to me, okay?!! Don't talk to me about organization!!"
-2/25

"I was in this show last summer, and this old man who worked in the theater -- he was like eighty -- he said I had a classic nose -- and I was like, 'You're Eighty!!'"
-2/25

"They're straight men...in order to deal with the feathers, they get shit-faced."
-2/25

"Put the cigarette in the fucking hole in the fucking ashtray and stop your whining!"
-2/25

"You guys, you guys, I want to make a toast to the lead singer of the Darkness."
-2/25

"She gets two dimples, two, I get one. She gets two. Awesome."
-2/25

A: "Whose phone can I use? Whose? Can I use this?"
B: "Sure!"
A: "Whose phone is it, is it yours?"
B: "No, I thought it was, but it's not."
-2/25

"And air it! And air it! And oh my God I got somethin' on my shoe!"
-2/25

A: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
B: "Bedazzling!, you wanna come?!?!"
-2/25

"-- like, fast vibrato, West Side Story shit!!"
-2/26

"I wasn't gonna touch it, don't back away like a skittish cat."
-2/26

"The first time I got drunk, I was backstage helping some drag queens get dressed-- I don't even know how I got there."
-2/26

"I took out another student loan, and I thought to myself, 'Fuck this shit, I'm gonna buy myself some Dolly Parton!'...Interest be damned."
-2/26

"OH my GOD!! Someone's cell phone is ringing!! Stop the party!!"
-2/26

"Pamela Mackey equals ass crack all the time!!"
-2/26

"You will ruin the batch for everyone with your saliva beads."
-2/26

"It must have been love, but it's over now...where's my cocktail??"
-2/26

"I was like, number one, passive-aggressive. Number two, GAY."
-2/26

"Yes!, that's what I meant! When I said 'toga', I meant 'Flintstones'!!"
-2/26

"Every cat I have is gay. [pause:] Aunt Mary? BIG dyke!!"
-2/26

"Thank you for thinking of me. I'm getting a haircut...and a new outfit!"
-2/26

"Shirley Bassey, Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand. They're all the same, and they're all iconic."
-2/26

"Okay-- I'll have a woman on my thighs, and this one massaging. [pause:] Okay, go."
-2/26

"Are you kidding me with that boy?!?! Are you kidding me with this girl?!?! Are you KIDDING me with the crawfish on her pants?!?!?!"
-2/26

"Don't expose your neck if you don't want kisses!"
-2/28

January 2005

"I need to go somewhere and just tap for about two hours."
-1/5

A: "Can you imagine having a baby right now?!?"
B: "I can't even imagine having a boyfriend right now."
-1/6

"WHOA! -- did you just mouth-sing?!!"
-1/8

Re. Topper licking a spot on the carpet repetitively:
"Jenean, this dog is high."
-1/10

"Barnett is way better than Barnes. (pause:) I'm sorry, I just feel that way."
-1/10

"My mind is...seriously, my mind is...like a hamster taking a nap right now."
-1/10

"Wait, has that styrofoam been here this whole time?!!"
-1/10

"Lindsay, are you listening to what I'm saying?!! I'm saying you don't need to be in Martha Stewart's office to do this."
-1/10

Re. the Tin Woodsman:
"He's both the circulatory system and the...what's the 'nerv-'?...Nervous system."
-1/10

"You're like, 'Just light the fucking cigarette, I don't care about soggy toilet paper!!' "
-1/10

"Lindsay, there are three parties that are involved in this conspiracy theory. One is the formatter, one is the receiver to the formatting, and one is the apprentice...to the receiver."
-1/10

Re. The Wizard of Oz/Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon':
"You were just saying how it's weird that they end it there...Oooohh! I just got a taste of salt!"
-1/10

"Way to go, way to break the ice. Like it was a fucking Topsy Tail or something!"
-1/10

"Just come in here, in the light, and aim it at your vagina!"
-1/13

"Do you know that I chill 90% of the time?"
-1/15

"I just love gender identity crisis. I think it's adorable."
-1/18

A: "You haven't seen her in person, have you?"
B: "Yes!, we switched shoes and played pool together."
-1/18

A: "You look proud of yourself."
B: "I've got Tandoori chicken in my hand."
-1/18

"So are we eating, or are we eating chips?"
-1/18

"That's a weird place to stop on your bike...and read a magazine..."
-1/18

"God damn it! This monkey's going out the window the second I open it!!!"
-1/18

"I'm sorry, but I'm at a Thai restaurant...and I'm eating these leaves with my bare hand."
-1/18

Girl on street who has just dropped her keys: "UUUURGHH!...I'm sedated."
-1/18

A: "What is the name of that Lily Tomlin character?"
B (singing): "Workin' 9-to-5..."
A: "No, the one who sits on the giant chair."
-pause-
B: "Oh...The Incredible Shrinking Woman??"
-1/29

A: "Lindsay, has anyone ever told you that you are an African Queen?"
B: "I am an African Queen!...I've actually been told that before."
-1/29

While planning movie night:
A : "What is a good food for The Omen?"
-pause-
B (emphatically): "Chili!!!"
-1/29

"Lindsay, doesn't this rock look like a piece of cabbage?!?!"
-1/29

"It's not that complicated, it's not like being homoflexible or anything."
-1/30

"Paper towel in the toilet...awesome. (pause:) Paper towel in both toilets...even more awesome."
-1/31

In a game of Fuck, Kill or Marry:
A: "Okay, Michael Moore, Denis Leary and Weird Al Yankovic."
B: "I don't really want to push any of those people off a cliff."
C: "Wait, did you say Denis Leary or Dennis Miller?, because I would push Dennis Miller off a cliff in a heartbeat."
B: "Oh, I thought Dennis Rodman, and I would have sex with him in a heartbeat."
-1/31

"If this was the South, I would totally go up and pet those dogs, but you don't know what crazy person is holding a leash in this city."
-1/31

Re. the dogs:
"I was looking at that tan one, and I thought, 'Is he shitting?!' -- and then I realized it was his balls."
-1/31

A: "How are they that stupid?!?!"
-beat-
B: "I'm from Mississippi."
-1/31