August 2008

Boss: "What was the drink I was going to drink?"
Peon: "Hemlock."
-beat-
Boss: "Thank you!"
-8/1

"You're still thinking about it. (beat:) Because I was thinking you had a mild case of Tourette's."
-8/12

"It's like Polarfleece for your lady parts."
-8/14

"They let skinheads in there, of course they're gonna let a penis in!"
-8/14

"You met Mo. She used to put sugar gliders in her boobs."
-8/14

"A giant penis. You know what that is to a baby?! A slide."
-8/14

"That's okay. But it doesn't make it Hawaiian, it makes it pork-lovin'!"
-8/15

"I had an ex-boyfriend who was Hawaiian, and his slang made me want to kill myself."
-8/15

"You know what?! You can't spill a baby, they'll die."
-8/15

"I would love to get your sperm in the mail."
-8/15

"Lindsay, please. (beat:) I always have paper."
-8/15

"A village fucks a baby."
-8/15

"I'm going to the bathroom with Pam because apparently I'm a woman."
-8/15

"I respect art when it goes balls-to-the-wall."
-8/15

"You know I will find a drag queen event to wear that to."
-8/15

"You looked at Disneyland with disdain and I was ready to brawl."
-8/15

"About Disney -- about transgendered people -- about everything."
-8/15

"I felt so much more comfortable with who I am when I found out I shared a birthday with [Ellen DeGeneres] and Eddie Van Halen."
-8/16

"I got written up for having a conversation with a customer about bestiality."
-8/16

"I love Pam. Pam changed me once."
-8/16

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
the puppets were SO scary
i don't care if they were singing about jesus or not!
-8/25

Boss, re. evolution: "Why are there still monkeys?"
-8/25

"Does Jesus mess with me about dating young girls? No. Therefore, he can hurricane whatever he wants."
-8/28

"I'm namin' my first son Dio."
-8/28

"You are so lucky he doesn't have an opposable thumb."
-8/29

"It shows what a fine line it is between finding a drinking buddy and committing manslaughter."
-8/31

July 2008

"Okay...is it racist if it's true?"
-7/7

"Principle, schminciple! We got videos we gotta take, of nerds!"
-7/14

Boss: "All right, let me get you a fat person so you can go home."
-7/18

A: "It looks like Osama bin Laden!"
B: "I know, with an instrument!"
-7/21

June 2008

Boss: "I consider this shirt to be a bad decision."
-6/6

"The Gay at work is now obsessed with Ann Boleyn."
-6/7

"Well, I've learned my lesson. No more lady shoes."
-6/8

"That looks like a dragon fellating itself!"
-6/8

"Don't be scared! It's not my fault you have a toe-thumb."
-6/8

"Man, I want some air conditioning and oysters."
-6/8

"I mean, I have nothing but respect for those people but...eff them!"
-6/12

"For an hour I'm going to do nothing but urinate. And then?...five minutes of blogging."
-6/12

A: "He's Asian."
B: "I know. But he's abnormally Asian."
-6/14

"This girl's sixteen. (beat:) That's the problem with gymnasts."
-6/18

"He's in bed butt naked and the goat is eating his shirt."
-6/19

Boss, suddenly bursting into song: "Puttin' down that do-og, except it's a per-son!"
-6/20

"I love these new bathmats -- they feel so good on my feet. It's like I'm stepping on baby grizzly fur."
-6/20

"Yeah, it's interesting when you can see, like, 500 cocks in one face."
-6/20

"He looked like a kindlier John Malkovich to me."
-6/23

"I'm going to Tom Petty alone and Mini-Me's with a full-sized woman!!"
-6/25

May 2008

"Oh my god. I just threw up in my heart a little."
-5/13

"Ohhhhh, man! Everybody's getting cysts!"
-5/14

Boss: "Ya want some garbage cupcakes?"
-5/14

"Well, tell your dad I agree with him. And I agree with you...your dad's slightly racist."
-5/23

"I just want to watch a double feature of Car Wash and...Beaches!!"
-5/26

Boss, suddenly bursting into song: "Sex blogger from Aus-tra-li-a!!"
-5/27

"Should I just let people pee on my grave at my funeral?"
-5/28

Re. Ashlee Simpson:
"My problem with Pete Wentz marrying her is...do people not have abortions anymore?"
-5/29

A: "Are you going to read the Bible this summer?"
B: "No. But I may read Watership Down."
-5/29

April 2008

Boss, about a customer's outrage at an email: "I think it was the 'Best Regards' that sent him over the edge."
-4/1

"I think he is good. His mother stole my jacket, however."
-4/7

"This girl has had this cat for years. And this is the first time she's ever given it a bath?!"
-4/7

"Oh man, I've never seen somebody who loved sacrificing animals more than the Lord."
-4/9

Boss: "It is my job to redefine 'shitload'."
-4/9

"I like it, it looks like a retarded little robot over there?"
-4/10

"Okay, she didn't have a sex change operation. She had Lasik. (beat:) Same dif!"
-4/14

"This is workaholism. This is bordering on Japanese...type-behavior."
-4/14

"That's what I'm saying! He's had his beer, he's had his Vegas, he's a Muslim, and I'm going to hell."
-4/15

A: "She doesn't look like your type."
B: "Whaddya mean?!"
A: "She's a grownup!"
-4/17

"Turns out, it's not okay to pee on people at a party."
-4/17

Re. the political strategist:
"I love Carville. I took a leak with him at a wedding."
-4/18

"No matter how hard you try to organize things...the mice and the men bite you in the ass."
-4/21

Singing:
"Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing, Jesus loves me, la la la!"
-4/22

"I love you for your mind, stripper-girl."
-4/23

A: "How did this happen?!"
B: "I don't know, Asians love a good deal!"
-4/26

"That was probably the low point of my life...my hand in that cat box."
-4/26

"So far I'm thinking python, dolphin, priest...not necessarily in that order, but..."
-4/28

A: "Who finds a giant inflatable pig and throws it away?!"
B: "Old people."
-4/29

A: "I've never loved a girl more than I love this stripper."
B: "Really?!"
A: "No."
-4/30

March 2008

"Picture a cross between Harry Carey and one of the Three Musketeers. And that's this guy."
-3/3

"Fish guts is like a rectum if you think about it...and that's no fun."
-3/3

"You'd think it was gonna be creepy, but mostly it was just retarded."
-3/3

Re. fruit:
A: "That one's moldy."
B: "It's cool."
A: "I'm helping!"
-3/3

"This is just like Charlotte's Web but without the sadness."
-3/3

A: "Are you guys talkin' about me?"
B: "No...we were talking about balls, and your name came up."
-3/3

"I forgot that my friend is running for the Congress today!"
-3/4

"I'm very excited! I get to fight with a broadsword tonight, and tomorrow I'm flying a plane!"
-3/4

An instant message chat transcript excerpt:
A: yeah, fuck puppy mills
B: seriously!!!!!
A: not the puppies, but the mills
-3/6

"Ed requires a level of patience that is reserved for the parents of special-needs children."
-3/6

Lesbian: "Do you know how I knew I was gay? The Mask of Zorro."
Straight Lady: "That's how Jon knew he was straight!"
-3/8

A: "It's good exercise."
B: "What is? The gym?"
-3/8

"I'm open to anything...as long as it doesn't involve genitals."
-3/8

A: "I talked to Taylor Dayne today."
B (gasp): "The Taylor Dayne?!"
-3/10

"She was so upbeat. I expected her to be a coked-out hag but she was so upbeat!"
-3/10

"If I had special powers I'd be taller and I'd have my afro back."
-3/18

A: "They hang out and meditate and eat soup together?!"
B (nods): "And maybe a light salad."
-3/20

A: "Does she have a clotting disorder?!"
B: "No, she dances on a pole!"
-3/21

"Yeah, you know me. Always Asian-ing it up."
-3/22

"I don't know - I feel - I can't stop rubbin' myself!"
-3/22

"But it all ends up at Christopher Walken. So it's good, it's good."
-3/22

"Vomit comes out; I've vomited on half my clothes."
-3/22

"Everything is communal...unless there's meat in it."
-3/22

A (showing B a photo): "That's her boyfriend."
B: "He's Elliott Gould with a cowboy hat!"
-3/24