January 2006

Outraged, re. R. Kelly:
"Well, there are more ugly men than him. (beat:) At least he's proportionate!"
-1/1

"I was just thinkin' about JTT yesterday!! I was in the shower, and he just popped into my head."
-1/1

"It's Muppets and crystals!!...I'm not diggin' it."
-1/1

"Sexual?!! Lindsay, it's a pipe! You have to penetrate it."
-1/4

A: "How did we get that teepee, did Dee Dee give it to us?"
B: "I don't know, let's get back to you being a slut!"
-1/7

"Did you just compare Steve Perry to Fraulein Maria?!!"
-1/7

Wistfully, in unison, after walking past a mother and child talking about ice cream:
A: "I want a kid!"
B: "I want fudge sauce!"
-1/7

"You wanna know the facts? Here's the facts. Between eleven and two, my tuna walked away."
-1/10

"I don't care about John Melendez...and some black woman with a microphone!!"
-1/14

"See?!?! That's what textin' does to friendships!!"
-1/14

A: "What the hell was that?"
B: "That was Jon."
-pause-
A: "What was he doing?"
B: "Rappin'."
-pause-
JON (heatedly): "Beatboxing!!"
-1/15

"It looked like someone came in--with poop on their shoes--and did a dance."
-1/15

"NO! NO! Pizza is on me...I'm just sayin' I'm lazy."
-1/15

"That's a good question. (beat:) I think I'd hang my fanny out to dry every once in a while."
-1/15

A: "Are we going, or should I just go?"
B: "I don't know, what time is it?"
A: "Nine-thirty."
C: "Really?! I thought I was on that noodle for way longer than that!"
-1/15

"You're going to be the mother of a bastard child in a lesbian live-in situation!!"
-1/17

A: "Ye-ah!-- 'cause Dad's mean-spirited, of course he thinks that shit's hilarious!!"
B: "And spiteful!"
-1/17

A (disdainfully): "That gay!!"
-beat-
B: "What?"
A: "He's so gay!!"
B: "He can't help it."
-beat-
A: "I know."
B: "Well...actually he looks like he can."
-1/18

Re. Friendster:
"Where are my picture comments?! About Bill?!...And what about my testimonial?...you son of a bitch."
-1/19

A (guiltily): "This might not actually be the Stray Cats. I apologize for that."
B: "Who is it?"
A: "I don't think you want to know. (beat:) It's Letters To Cleo."
-1/21

A (outraged): "Is this Booker T. & the MGs?!!"
B: "It's the 'Munsters' theme song!"
-1/21

Upon discovery of cookie crumbs on couch:
"G.D.!!! (pause; then after picking at crumbs for a while:) I don't even know if this is my cookie."
-1/21

A: "Are you staying up?"
B: "Yeah, for a little while."
A: "Would you be watching a movie anyway?"
B: "Yeah, probably. I do most nights. (beat:) That, or masturbation."
-1/21