November 2007

"I feel like I'm in a competition with you...I don't feel like I'm in a competition with Lexie because she's clearly a robot."
-11/5

"I feel like Luka does need rescuing from these pincher-poker people."
-11/5

Re. aggressive anal sex:
"I feel like it would only be polite to offer crack at that point."
-11/5

"...so I think I understand where he was coming from...but he totally ruined that squirrel's life."
-11/5

"He has become the old lady he once mocked."
-11/5

"...No, you would be violating your own civil rights."
-11/5

"I feel like that was a creepy laugh...but there's a hamburger on this cat."
-11/10

"Leaving there I felt like I had just had sex...but without the guilt."
-11/11

"I've got this Chinese box that smells like old people."
-11/11

"Dude, if you're magnetizing the Jamaicans, you know that shit's cute!"
-11/12

A: "Do you remember owning a spur?"
B: "Not since high school."
-11/17

"The world is safe for democracy again...and dogs in cars!"
-11/19

"I didn't say she was gripping it in her vagina walls! (laughter:) Sorry I spit chip on you."
-11/20

"Seems like someone's always talkin' about Rilo Kiley and someone's always defensive."
-11/22

A: "How do you Photoshop coke?!"
-beat-
B: "You can Photoshop coke!"
-11/22

A: "Who brought the Foreman Grill?!"
B: "It's Jim's."
A: "Okay. (beat:) I'm a terrible person."
-11/22

"I'm an anxious yuppie, I realized...I'm still surprised I'm not a Jew."
-11/22

"It's not boring, it's different...you know how I like to make fun of things that are different."
-11/22

"I feel like I need a wheelbarrow for my stomach."
-11/22

"Nobody wants a penis with stuffing in it."
-11/22

"What is the War of 1812?...something I should know?"
-11/22

"Well, you don't get him to love you by walking like Frankenstein!"
-11/22

"I'm just stating the facts. I'm not making a sexist remark...you're the one who was saying you're jealous of a dog lickin' his balls."
-11/22

A: "Is he gay?"
B: "British."
-11/22

"Sorry, you guys, I totally failed. (beat:) I couldn't find my cowbell or my kazoo."
-11/23

"You're like a rowboat made of steel."
-11/24

"All right, I'll meet the goddamn baby!!"
-11/30

"Babymamma drama for real!...but without the baby."
-11/30

October 2007

Re. online jeans shopping:
"These cheap Monday skinnies are not unisex!"
-10/5

"She's in Dubai?!...it's like the Amelie dwarf!"
-10/5

"Sounds like the Chipmunks in a swordfight!"
-10/5

"Oh my gosh!...rapping robots started a fight!"
-10/5

"Crap!...here I am drunk, trying to explain physics."
-10/6

Re. office holiday party:
"You go in there...you've got that gift exchange. It's like you're walking into a funeral."
-10/9

A: "I think it's just something she likes to do when she's bored."
B: "Wheeze?"
A: "Hack."
-10/12

"...and in my head I was like, 'Oh my God, we just broke up in my head.'"
-10/13

On phone:
A (Pacific time): "It's very late there."
B (Eastern time): "Yes, and I have to get up for my trapeze class in the morning."
-10/13

"Eating this fruit without looking at it is so much easier."
-10/14

"She's like...a nonfunny Margaret Cho."
-10/17

"His opinions and values are the lowest common denominator of humanity...I'd love to stomp him in a street fight!"
-10/17

"Come closer...I'm gonna fuck you up!"
-10/17

A: "I love that...walls breathing."
B: "I've had enough of walls breathing!"
-10/17

"...he sent out a MySpace thing, and it was Jesus doing a beer bong, and I was like, 'That's not really classy.'"
-10/18

"...very tall girls with a country attitude-- that's what I saw."
-10/18

Re. heating bill:
"I mean, that's what I was thinking about, I wasn't thinking about...cocks."
-10/19

A: "Oh my God! I might have to break up with Courtney!"
B: "What?"
A: "India.Arie."
-10/19

"It's like breakin' the fourth wall...in sculpture."
-10/19

A: "Is that the creepy gnome?"
B: "The one that looks like it's masturbating?"
A: (nods)
B: "Yeah."
-10/19

"That girl consumed more ranch than anyone I've ever seen!"
-10/19

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...is this Seal?!"
-10/19

"...but if I was a teacher I would have to wear chunky jewelry!"
-10/19

"Cybill Shepherd is a poor man's Murphy Brown!"
-10/20

"Can I say something funny about meth?"
-10/20

"You cannot tell if an Asian lesbian is a guy or a girl."
-10/20

"Awww, well he thinks it's cute, but I think it's disgusting!"
-10/20

"Okay, why the F would you even consider putting breastmilk in your coffee?!"
-10/21

A: "So is she like a serious top?"
B: "No, more like a kid in a candy store."
-10/21

"Bubble's in Parliament, y'all!"
-10/21

"Hey! You know what?! You get the Little Rascals out of your head!"
-10/22

"Eww...poop goes in the toilet, an outhouse or on the ground!"
-10/24

"I don't think they were actual lesbians...they were just old ladies."
-10/24

"I can't believe you pantsed your date. Who does that?!"
-10/24

"Lindsay, it's too early. If I can't think about the D-Zone I can't think about abortion."
-10/27

"Yeah, he does kinda look like Jake...but only if Jake was more Asian."
-10/27

"I had to throw that penis in 'cause everyone else was."
-10/28

"...I mean, they're just tiny people...it's not like their penis has gangrene or something."
-10/28

September, 2006

"Jupiter is not aligned with Mars but your vagina is."
-9/1

A: "How's that rollin' up your pants going?"
B: "It's pretty fun, actually!"
-9/1

"You're gonna ask Pam for advice about the belt, or Hitler?"
-9/7

A: "Do you think I'm going to hell for that?"
B: "No!! Hitler's in my Top 8!!"
-9/7

"That's a good attitude, pal...Hey, put that cookie down!!"
-9/8

"Roseanne is Roseanne, but when she had children she was fuckin' Roseanne, you know?"
-9/8

A: "Somethin' about little boys going on adventures."
B: "She does love little boys going on adventures."
-9/8

"My mom had this friend who was just like her-- only older and fatter, but just like her."
-9/8

"Then I thought it was Lindsay, but then I thought, 'No way, there was way too much effort put into this profile.' "
-9/8

"My Fair Lady! It's gay in a homosexual way."
-9/9

A: "What's the redhead's name?"
B: "Annie Potts."
A: "You mean your left boob?"
B: "Yes."
-9/9

"So it started out as a feminist issue and then it became about pigs."
-9/11

While reading a contract:
Boss: "It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple'. It can't be the same thing!"
-9/11

A: "Remember Maureen said bring good-luck charms to work?"
B: "What?"
C: "She said she's gonna bust out some rosary beads and a Mary."
-9/12

"Dare I ask, though? I don't know if I could even handle a big ball of dough right now."
-9/12

"That is a great find, and I would so rock it if it didn't smell like armpit."
-9/16

"Come on! We are so considerate! I'm over this."
-9/16

"Oh, that's what I meant-- a sled dog, not a horse."
-9/16

"Whatever, you guys all said Louis Armstrong just because he's black."
-9/16

A: "You do have toothpicks?"
B: "Of course, I use them to test my cakes!"
-9/20

"I guess so. But there's a part of stampeding that I'm, like, really against."
-9/20

"Domesticated role-playing games?! Lame!"
-9/20

"I have to show you some pictures of my cats. I am that person."
-9/22

"Oh, yeah, I was going to online-order. Because it's so much easier than dealing with a human."
-9/22

"How would you describe flan?...It looks like creme brulee but it tastes like butt."
-9/22

"Shut up! I hate you and I hate the way you move your hands when you talk!"
-9/22

"So then I was thinking, don't boy cats have teats? Or am I just thinking of men?"
-9/24

A: "But Lindsay, you have to ask yourself this: do you really want a bead curtain?"
B: "No."
A: "Exactly."
-9/24

On phone:
"Well, Max is a great guy. Charles is a great guy, too. It's all going to come down to how you feel. (pause:) Yes, it is just like 'Two Princes' by the Spin Doctors."
-9/25

"Yes. The name of the printer is Shalom Printing. (beat:) He's vegan."
-9/26

"Well, you wouldn't be scared if I wasn't here rustling this paper!"
-9/26

"Perhaps not in this situation, but I know I'm correct."
-9/26

"Lindsay, in a few years from now, we'll come back to this conversation-- and you tell me Joe Schmoe Thai Guy isn't crazy."
-9/26

A: "Is that weird?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Why?"
-pause-
B: "You like dog shows!"
-9/26

August, 2006

"Okay, we need to, like, see Dave Navarro so I can confirm that I hate him."
-8/2

"I'm sorry you love him, Lindsay...I mean, that I don't like him."
-8/2

"Oh, I can't do it Wednesday. (dejectedly:) I have to go to the Improv."
-8/7

Re. Luna bars:
"I think they're too dry. (beat:) And then when I'm eating it I'm like, 'I wish this was real food.' " -8/7

"Well, I met one of his friends yesterday; A) his name was Cisco, and B) he was a doofus."
-8/10

"Well, I have two nickels and a penny, but I'm sure I'm gonna burp again."
-8/11

"Well, I'm doing a whole timeline. (disdainfully:) But I'm skipping the part with the actress woman, 'cause she was a wreck."
-8/14

"I've got goosebumps...and a hangover! Life is good!"
-8/18

On phone:
"I look forward to seeing you! I'll come home and wash the sheets."
-8/18

A: "...Dyke, right?"
B: "Mmm, I don't think so. I think she's just fat."
-8/22

"He's like Nic Harcourt, but for the whole world!"
-8/31

September 2007

“That room was just a death trap, apparently…a purple death trap.”
-9/3

“Ohh, let’s not quibble about why the soccer ball was on fire…”
-9/4

“You don’t mess with Jesus and get on an airplane.”
-9/6

“It's not like 'I'm large and in charge', but it's like, 'I'm strangely shaped'.”
-9/7

"She's one of the more deformed...I mean, there are a lot of deformed people that work at the L.A. Times...”
-9/7

"I mean, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, that she's mentally ill-- she was so weird-- if she isn’t mentally ill, that's worse.”
-9/7

A: “Pierre is good, though?”
B: “Oh, he’s very good…he smells like maple syrup.”
-9/8

“…Like, the wife from The Commish, shoppin’ at Goodwill, bein’ all weird.”
-9/8

Re. “Midnight Train to Georgia”:
A: “This song reminds me of Designing Women.”
B: “Oh my God, that show was wack! That shit is weird!”
-9/8

A: "Is your grandma from the South?"
B: "No, she kept a big knife in the kitchen of her bar."
-9/11

"Right now, Mars is in Uranus. (laughter from coworkers:) Hey, I didn't name the planets. I would have stuck with, like, Pluto... and all the other Disney characters."
-9/13

A: “What is that?”
B: “I don't know! It's just my...animal face.”
-9/19

JENEAN: “I’m such a homophobe!”
-9/20

“I want to see some of these mariachi pants you found online!”
-9/20

“It was imperative that I lose right then…I’m blaming it on the Pringles and bratwurst.”
-9/22

“I think you’re insane and I think I love you…and I think I just died.”
-9/22

“You’re right. A gay son is the new purse dog.”
-9/24

Re. foreign DVD:
“Is it porn?…Is it sports?”
-9/24

“He is ejaculating all over that billboard and it sickens me!”
-9/25

“Michelle is involved?!...she's just an octopus!”
-9/26

A: “The Love Fest and the Gay Nudie Fest are both going on this weekend.”
B: “Ooohh!…when’s the Bluegrass Festival?”
-9/27

“Babies should be fat! I don’t trust a skinny baby.”
-9/27

“No, I thought that cart was a big fat clown!”
-9/27

“I’m not sure what’s happening but it looks like two of the dudes from Los Lobos are out there with some watermelons!”
-9/30

“Yeah…you’re gonna have fun with that MRI machine!”
-9/30

“And he’s ripped…not Carrot Top-ripped, but ripped.”
-9/30

“You are Harold and Kumar put together!”
-9/30

“Awww, you’re like…a hidden Japanese!”
-9/30

“I feel like that’s cheating, like, you’re even and prime…but you’re two.”
-9/30

“Your hair’s lovely…it’s…theatrical!”
-9/30

August 2007

"…and, honestly, I don't give a shit about the word 'ergo'."
-8/1

A: "Neil looks gayer than usual!"
B: "Yeah he does…he looks like Lurch!"
-8/2

"Lately he's been staying upstairs…I don't know why, it's so hot up there. (beat:) I think he's going insane."
-8/2

"That's gonna be my start -- save up, I'm gonna get that bra."
-8/2

A: "Wait, how come he doesn't speak English?"
B: "Because he's foreign."
-8/2

"…one girl was like, 'I'd scrape that shit off and put it on your pillowcase', and I was like, 'I don't want to be your roommate!'"
-8/2

"Maybe he's embarrassed to be a cat, and he wants to be a human, so when no one's around he's all, 'Hey, rub my pecs.'"
-8/2

Triumphantly:
"So maybe that's what he's repressing -- not his emotions but his gayness!!"
-8/2

"…and you're like, 'Oh, that dude just plays the accordion', but really he's fuckin' some guy in the bathroom."
-8/2

A: "What are you talking about?"
B: "Your obtrusive burp…on my coughing escapade."
-8/2

"I'm sure there are some respectable women who are hookers."
-8/2

A: "Did we just get scared by some rustlin'??"
B: "Yeah, and that fuckin' human-dog!"
-8/2

"I think it's a city story. (beat:) Wait, what were we talking about again?"
-8/2

A: "At least she doesn't have a fountain!"
B: "A hippie fountain!"
A: "A hippie fountain with lasers in it!"
-8/2

A: "Is he retarded?"
B: "No."
A: "Is he old?"
B: "No. He's from New York."
-8/2

"I was just trying to inject a little levity…cervix it is!"
-8/2

"How did nature create a bird that looks like that?! That's just off the hook."
-8/3

A: "Are you okay?"
B: "No…I need candy or Tums."
-8/7

Re. comparing cats to countries:
"And Keelo, 'cause he runs away, could be -- what's a pussy nation? France."
-8/8

A: "Is he gonna be gay?"
B: "No, he's an Aries."
-8/12

A: "Bacon has nothing your body can use."
B: "Yeah, I know -- let's just stop talking about it!"
-8/12

"I'm so excited about this, I feel like I'm gonna barf nachos in like thirty minutes."
-8/12

"…It's fucked up. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? It's wrong."
-8/12

A: "What's your beef with Hostel all of a sudden?"
B: "Ehh…I watched it."
-8/13

Awkward intern guy, upon being asked 'How was your weekend?': "My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting…"
-8/14

Re. Mary Murphy of "So You Think You Can Dance":
"Do you think when they were casting this they said, 'Are you as retarded as Paula Abdul?' 'Yes.' 'You're hired'?"
-8/16

A: "She looks like she should be on top of a cake in that outfit."
-beat-
B: "Or poppin' out of one."
-8/16

Re. "Knock On Wood":
"This song reminds me of Judge Judy."
-8/16

"Hold on. Was he the white guy that was all…weird?"
-8/16

Defensively:
"I'm not Boner and Balls!!"
-8/16

A: "You like Boner though?"
B: "Yeah, Boner's strong."
-8/16

"Totally!! There's gay cycling over there!! I'm all about it."
-8/16

"Wait, what were we talking about before I so rudely…tripped?"
-8/16

A: "She took lemons and made lemonade."
B: "It took her two days."
-beat-
A: "She broke her toe."
-8/17

A: "I dick around all the time online."
B: "Right, so wouldn't you like to have something quality to do online?"
-8/17

"Yeah, it was like a python spitting up large eggs -- that's what I pictured."
-8/17

A: "I used to take trampolining classes in high school."
B: "What?!"
-8/17

"I'll be back (points at beer:) -- no roofies."
-8/17

"Yeah, it's like a -- it's like a shiny hot dog."
-8/17

"…like, she's beautiful, like I want to hang her on my wall as a picture…like, her skin…ewww!"
-8/17

"Wow, you wear that like a…badge you shouldn't wear."
-8/17

"Who with eyeballs would be like, 'Yeah, this is for me'?"
-8/17

"No offense, but I hope you die."
-8/17

Re. "Hairspray":
"I think it's better than Chicago because -- aside from the segregation -- it's a really happy movie!"
-8/18

A: "Did you call me, Rob?"
B: "No."
A: "What can I do for you?"
B: "Nothing."
-8/18

"Is that a hookah or a lamp?"
-8/18

"They're lesbians…they're very nice though! (pause:) I shouldn't say 'though'."
-8/18

"There was one guy who looked like Jesus…but like a warrior Gandalf Jesus?"
-8/18

"So imagine a homeless crazy person…as a squirrel."
-8/18

"P.S. Did I tell you I decided I like gumbo?"
-8/18

"When I look back all I remember is him whining…and stepping on my breasts."
-8/19

"He's just tedious…like the Mad Hatter."
-8/19

"Come on! Sex is funny, and combined with my cat it's double funny!"
-8/19

"Well, either way this is great news for Bill Clinton!"
-8/22

A: "Can I tell you a story?"
B: "Please do."
A: "Well, it's not as fun…but it's about my medication?"
-8/22

"There's a tremendous power in not caring, you know?"
-8/23

A: "What's that over there?"
B: "I don't know…I can see some Om symbols and a lot of bling."
-8/23

Boss on phone: "Well…guess who one of them was?! Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was!"
-8/28

"The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!"
-8/28

"(Gasp:) A wizard fight?!?"
-8/29

A: "So her mom and who are going to be over there?"
B: "Her grandma."
A: "Oh my God!!"
-8/31

"He's like a real-life imaginary thing!!"
-8/31

"…'cause he's gonna be a big douche -- sorry, Grandma."
-8/31

GRANDKID: "I'm sorry Grandma, this is all gossip!"
GRANDMA: "That's why I'm listening."
-8/31

"It's not like you're adding razzle-dazzle, you're adding shit to your burrito!"
-8/31

A: "It's, like, the weirdest matchup ever."
B: "I know."
A: "…Except for the hippo and the alligator in Fantasia."
-8/31