May 2009

"Their panties are like sweatpants for your vagina."

-5/3

"It's the whole 'lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.' (beat:) I hate Usher, but that was wise."

-5/3

Boss: "Thank you for allowing me to panic with you this afternoon."
-5/8

"Do you know what Rhode Island is known for? Their seafood, seashore and costume jewelry."
-5/13

Boss: "I learned about sausages this morning."
-5/13

Boss: "Can I get back to you? I'm in the middle of a Twitter emergency."
-5/15

A: "Are you a hippie?"
B: "No, but I do prefer going barefoot."
-5/18

A: "Did you vote last night?"
B: "Yeah, I actually voted for some of the propositions."
--beat--
A: "No, I mean for Idol!"
-5/20

"I'm not worried about the Bacon Beat."
-5/20

"Hey, I like bacon and maple syrup as much as the next guy, but not with alcohol."
-5/20

"Isn't this great? You can do your own dental work now!"
-5/20

"He kinda looks like a seal with a headdress."

-5/20

"It's hard to hate a guy that's so nice...but it's not impossible."
-5/22

"A hug from behind's fine, but, like...a linger from behind?"

-5/24

"Come on, California. How am I ever supposed to have forbidden pre- or extra-marital sex? Give me some 'marital' to work with."
-5/27

"Who do I really hate? Do I hate anyone here? (beat:) Oh, crap! I forgot to call Joe back!"

April 2009

Boss, blowing nose: "What if I'm allergic to kitty litter?"
-4/1

Boss: "Can I drink on antibiotics?"
-4/3

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
A: i kind of want to cry about that
A: it is so precious
A: they are so simple
B: yeah, dogs love bacon
-4/3

"Hello! I don’t need to know that you’re a divorced man and a part-time father!"
-4/8

"Could you please clarify? Is your son a bastard or not?"
-4/8

Boss: "If I go tonight, this will be my third Britney Spears concert."
-4/16

Boss in meeting: "You know, I'm just going to shut my mouth because I'm not really feeling that well?, and I'm on a lot of drugs right now."

-4/17

"Vegetables taste so good when you eat them of your own volition -- you know what I’m sayin’?"
-4/20

A: "She’s teasing you."
B: "Wouldn’t be the first time a teenage girl had done that to me. (beat:) On Facebook."
-4/20

Re. Montecito:
A: "It's old money and Oprah."
B: "Well, she's old."
-4/21

"Can I send a twit on Tweeter?"
-4/22

"Right, because we wouldn't know anything about Britney Spears...or about placenta sandwiches."
-4/22

"Baseball are the biggest dicks!"
-4/22

Man on the street: "I fell in love with this tree!"
-4/23

"It's just dusty, like...in the world."
-4/23

Re. Facebook photo:
A: "That's her other sister."
B: "Mmmm. (beat:) They do look Asiany."
-4/23

Boss A: "I do not have Swine Flu."
Boss B: "But I want you to have Swine Flu!"
-4/24

"Either she's a very strong woman or that's a tiny scooter!"
-4/29

March 2009

"COBRA. It's an acronym, it stands for...C-O-B-R-A."
-3/5

Boss on phone: "It's fuckin' Lucky Charms! Goodbye. Have a good weekend."
-3/6

A: "It's like a window into the abyss of hell."
B: "That's what I want!"
-3/9

A: "Jevon always works it out."
B: "I think it's all the candy."
-3/9

Boss: "I'm blaming you for the stock market's performance today."
-3/11

"Do we have a photo of someone licking a fish?…'cause if we do, that's going on the homepage."
-3/12

"That is all I am. I am a shell without television."
-3/12

"All I know is, if they would do this to an unwed mother, think what they would do to puppies."
-3/12

Employee to boss going on vacation: "So I'll see you in a week and a half?"
Boss: "It's not even that bad…it's, like, ten days."
-3/12

"A robot that feels. That's my sister's ultimate fear. (beat:) No fuckin' joke."
-3/14

"Maybe you just have a really high butt crack!"
-3/14

A: "It's so weird, my legs feel like I've been walking around all day."
B: "Maybe it's your pants."
-3/14

"He just likes to make his hat askew and throw things."
-3/14

A: "We rode on a plane with George Burns, didn't we?"
B: "He's dead."
-3/14

Re. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer":
"I don't know anyone who likes it that isn't a girl or a lesbian."
-3/14

A: "He can sing. He can dance. He's Wolverine."
B: "He is a triple threat."
-3/14

"Wait -- but you can't be relaxed if you're -- peeing!"
-3/14

"She doesn't pee on her feet and then walk around!"
-3/14

"You can drink pee! It's like a beverage!"
-3/14

"You know what's the best? Drunk shower-peeing."
-3/14

"Let's not talk about 'Kill Bill' or peeing as a man."
-3/14

"Jon thinks I'm mad at him because he can pee through a penis."
-3/14

"Unless you have an infection, peeing always feels good."
-3/14

"I said 'mime' and you looked like I barfed in your mouth!"
-3/14

Re. Larry King:
"Doesn't his son want to be something? Like black?"
-3/14

A instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
thats right
deal with it missy
and then see what you have to say about my butter cow
-3/16

"We're in a pirate bar, too, so, either way -- if it's not Irish, it's pirate."
-3/17

A: "There's a fat person on the homepage."
B: "Straight or gay?"
-3/18

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
i am so hungry
it's sad
this is what poverty must feel like
and frankly i don't like it, but they are thin
-3/19

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
whoa!
who gives a dog an enema?
stranger still
who gives a dog an enema at a mall?!?!
-3/19

Boss to coworker who lost a filling: "Too much taffy over the weekend!"
-3/23

"I do not know why i have procrastinated...I just want to go home and vomit some more."
-3/27

A: "This doesn't look like the L.A. Times, does it?"
B: "No...it looks awesome."
-3/27

Re. bolognese sauce
"That is the bomb right there. You can serve that to a female…she’ll marry you."
-3/31

"Man, the Bible's gettin' good right now!"
-3/31

February 2009

"The editor's watching you stick your thumb in some cheese…it's not awesome."
-2/4

"Whoa, I didn't realize you could be charged with Attempted Mayhem."
-2/11

"It's scary and cute…it's got somethin' for everyone."
-2/16

"It's acceptable if she's transgendered."
-2/23

"It's not a joke...I have so much shampoo."
-2/23

On the cross-section of society that is Blockbuster Video customers:
"Young. Old. Dicks."
-2/23

On the Academy Awards:
"How can a cleft palate movie not win?"
-2/23

A: "Have you had too much to drink, Sarah?"
B: "No, but I should have!"
-2/23

Boss 1, on putting three donut holes in his mouth: "Never underestimate what I would do for a dollar."
Boss 2: "I woulda fuckin' done that for fifty cents!"
-2/24

Boss: "If Iron Maiden hasn't recorded it I probably don't know the lyrics."
-2/25

"Oh no, it's a classy wheelchair."
-2/25

"You don't have to plead ignorance, you can just acknowledge it."
-2/26

"You're like the Mickey Rourke of midget animals."
-2/27

January 2009

"You know who would love that outfit? Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis."
-1/8

Boss: "That would be a good book. 'Words I've Put In Your Mouth'."
-1/20

"He looks like a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Keith Richards."
-1/27

Boss: "I would clone the wrong people, probably. (beat:) I would start with the Olsen Twins."
-1/30

"Okay. So why is that news? It's a phallic tree."
-1/30

December 2008

"You don't sneak up on a woman when she's wearing a pad."
-12/2

"I will definitely mistake my cell phone vibrating for labor."
-12/4

"Sometimes it takes three times to poop on something before it gets the picture."
-12/6

"Be careful, you're gonna burn your slacks."
-12/6

"I told my friends I was gonna be a gay elf...for Christmas."
-12/6

"At least an anchor's honorable."
-12/6

"You look like you're in Tron right now, by the way."
-12/6

"I'm gonna take the salsa out of my room 'cause it's, like, permeating everything."
-12/6

"It's weird, 'cause my brother is still my brother, but now he has weird underwear and doesn't drink stuff."
-12/6

An instant message chat excerpt:
ain't nothing wrong with a hippogriff
-12/8

"When they heard that bang, they panicked and they ate all their children."
-12/10

"He's gentle. He's like Harry Potter."
-12/13

"It was like Laura Ingalls -- like slutty Laura Ingalls."
-12/14

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: ...wait, is time vegan?
B: time or thyme?
B: oh Tim, no, he just likes candy
-12/16

Coworker: "I just feel like we're really missing an opportunity not to have Big Hat Day here."
-12/18

Coworker A: "It's a big motherfuckin' hat, is what that is!"
Coworker B: "That's no joke."
-12/18

Boss, on phone: "Let me ask Henry 'cause I sit right by him. (swivels in chair and shouts to Henry:) Boob job!!"
-12/18

Boss: "Just focus in on the baby Jesus."
-12/23

A: "Acrobats stress me out. Like, what if you knew one in real life?"
B: "Mmmm...that would be stressful."
-12/23

"Her face looks bottom-heavy. Like if you put her face on a table and tried to push it over it wouldn't tip."
-12/27

"I'm sure he has anecdotes -- he's gay!"
-12/29

Boss shouting across office: "Man covered in feces?! I think we need to put that in More News."
-12/31

"They're all Germans, gay, or gay Germans. (beat:) Or frat boys."
-12/31

"Chinese fighting robes...big whoop. This lady had a teapot on her head."
-12/31

"Peeing in your mouth is way more intimate."
-12/31

"Okay, now the poop is an obese man struggling!"
-12/31

"I got ill thinking about a plant coming out of my bottom."
-12/31