January 2006

Outraged, re. R. Kelly:
"Well, there are more ugly men than him. (beat:) At least he's proportionate!"
-1/1

"I was just thinkin' about JTT yesterday!! I was in the shower, and he just popped into my head."
-1/1

"It's Muppets and crystals!!...I'm not diggin' it."
-1/1

"Sexual?!! Lindsay, it's a pipe! You have to penetrate it."
-1/4

A: "How did we get that teepee, did Dee Dee give it to us?"
B: "I don't know, let's get back to you being a slut!"
-1/7

"Did you just compare Steve Perry to Fraulein Maria?!!"
-1/7

Wistfully, in unison, after walking past a mother and child talking about ice cream:
A: "I want a kid!"
B: "I want fudge sauce!"
-1/7

"You wanna know the facts? Here's the facts. Between eleven and two, my tuna walked away."
-1/10

"I don't care about John Melendez...and some black woman with a microphone!!"
-1/14

"See?!?! That's what textin' does to friendships!!"
-1/14

A: "What the hell was that?"
B: "That was Jon."
-pause-
A: "What was he doing?"
B: "Rappin'."
-pause-
JON (heatedly): "Beatboxing!!"
-1/15

"It looked like someone came in--with poop on their shoes--and did a dance."
-1/15

"NO! NO! Pizza is on me...I'm just sayin' I'm lazy."
-1/15

"That's a good question. (beat:) I think I'd hang my fanny out to dry every once in a while."
-1/15

A: "Are we going, or should I just go?"
B: "I don't know, what time is it?"
A: "Nine-thirty."
C: "Really?! I thought I was on that noodle for way longer than that!"
-1/15

"You're going to be the mother of a bastard child in a lesbian live-in situation!!"
-1/17

A: "Ye-ah!-- 'cause Dad's mean-spirited, of course he thinks that shit's hilarious!!"
B: "And spiteful!"
-1/17

A (disdainfully): "That gay!!"
-beat-
B: "What?"
A: "He's so gay!!"
B: "He can't help it."
-beat-
A: "I know."
B: "Well...actually he looks like he can."
-1/18

Re. Friendster:
"Where are my picture comments?! About Bill?!...And what about my testimonial?...you son of a bitch."
-1/19

A (guiltily): "This might not actually be the Stray Cats. I apologize for that."
B: "Who is it?"
A: "I don't think you want to know. (beat:) It's Letters To Cleo."
-1/21

A (outraged): "Is this Booker T. & the MGs?!!"
B: "It's the 'Munsters' theme song!"
-1/21

Upon discovery of cookie crumbs on couch:
"G.D.!!! (pause; then after picking at crumbs for a while:) I don't even know if this is my cookie."
-1/21

A: "Are you staying up?"
B: "Yeah, for a little while."
A: "Would you be watching a movie anyway?"
B: "Yeah, probably. I do most nights. (beat:) That, or masturbation."
-1/21

December 2005

"It was like petting a pig with warts and hair...but it grew on you, you know?"
-12/3

"Look you guys, I'm darker than these panties and I used to be way whiter!!"
-12/3

"There's half-eaten bread all over the place and fart in the air!"
-12/3

"My back hurts, you guys. (beat:) I feel like I did something I don't know about."
-12/4

"Look, it's not like he's throwing his whole body at you, he's just throwing his crotch at you -- it's not gonna break you!"
-12/4

"Like, earlier...with all the classical music and all the talkin'...I couldn't take it!"
-12/4

A: "This is Nada Surf, right?"
B: "Sweet God! (beat:) It's Death Cab for Cutie."
-12/4

"Wait...get out...we have to go! We're not staying for the wizard fight."
-12/4

A: "You don't think it's going to explode, do you?"
B: "I don't know?...umm...I do know that our electronics have a tendency to get possessed."
-12/6

Disdainfully:
"Is it about anarchy? (beat:) I don't think I can make an anarchy scarf."
-12/8

A: "Lindsay, do you have any idea how many people you would have offended if they heard that?"
B: "I don't care! I have no respect for the Beth Orton worshipers."
-12/8

"Look, you are trying to compare Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli! We know Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli are ghastly beasts, but that doesn't mean they sound the same!!"
-12/8

A: (enormous belch)
B: "You are hidge!!"
A: " I just like that I can do it. If you could do it, you'd like it, too."
-12/8

"Sian, seriously, where are the chairs?!! I'm sittin' on a mop bucket here."
-12/8

"...And there's a tombstone on it that says 'Eddie'...oh wait, that's a chef hat."
-12/9

"Okay...'Just Shoot Me' is not okay to watch in this house."
-12/9

On phone: "Hey, I was just thinking about you yesterday!!...No, seriously, I was gonna text you, 'Where are my goddamn baby pictures?!!'"
-12/10

A: "Parades love Sunday!"
B: "Ye-ah!!...they live for Sunday!"
-12/11

A: "He wanted to know if I wanted a ride."
B: "Yeah, a ride to the alley, so he can fuck you!"
-12/12

Re. a picture of the Lincoln Memorial:
"Abraham Lincoln looks drunk in this picture!"
-12/13

"Uuurghh!!...she is drama. (beat:) Seriously, she needs some hobbies."
-12/15

"He is the opposite of a drum machine. (beat:) He's like the ocean."
-12/16

Re. circus animal cookies:
"What I was gonna say is, 'I know this is silly, but I feel like they baked them just for me.'"
-12/17

"Yes!!!!...hip-hopera, here we come!!"
-12/17

"Uuuurghh!!...I have a splitting headache. And it's not the liquor...it's the fudge."
-12/17

Boss re. her son's recital: "Yeah, third grade. (beat:) And you have never heard 'Hot Cross Buns' like these kids play it. Jazzy. Real jazzy."
-12/19

"Honey, it hurts...and it's hilarious!!"
-12/20

Re. a Barbara Walters special:
"But seriously...why aren't we getting high yet?, 'cause Heaven's about to be on!!"
-12/20

Very seriously, re. Trapped in the Closet:
"Lindsay, this movie made me think a lot!"
-12/20

"The last couple days I feel like I've...contracted scurvy."
-12/20

"I love being so raunchy in dresses...it's so fun!"
-12/21

"Well if we're going to go to all this trouble, I'm going to have to get a caffeine-free Coke at some point."
-12/23

Re. The Four Agreements:
"I printed it out. 'Cause I was like, 'God damn, what are the frickin' Agreements?!!'"
-12/24

"I don't know what happened to her. (beat:) She didn't show up to the reunion, so I'm assuming she's fat."
-12/25

"Well, ye-ah!, 'cause he wanted a lesbian on each arm...sheeit!"
-12/26

"I totally kept that Commandment!! I'm not married, I'm straight...that's good, right?"
-12/27

"We'll get along fine! I like steak...and shopping...and Hitler."
-12/27

Re. Chinese actors playing Japanese characters in Memoirs of a Geisha:
MASAKI: "Japs can't act. It's not their fault."
-12/27

"Look, she's a twenty-seven-year-old fat, lonely dyke who lives in Newport Beach...of course she thinks I'm amazing!!"
-12/27

"So I met this straight guy!...We're gonna go cruisin' for chicks in Burbank."
-12/28

"Yes!! Not all Americans are like the girls in American Pie."
-12/30

November 2005

"It's only two minutes...what's that gonna do? (beat:) A red ass is what that's gonna do!!"
-11/3

"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4

A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5

Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5

"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5

A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5

A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5

"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5

"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5

"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5

"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5

A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6

"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6

A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7

"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7

"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7

"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8

"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12

"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12

"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12

"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16

A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16

"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19

"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19

"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19

A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28

A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28

"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28

"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28

A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28

Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28

"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28

JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28

"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28

Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28

"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28

"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28

October 2005

A: "You look like you're gonna cut me up and eat me."
B: "I'm vegan!!"
A: "That doesn't mean you're not a cannibal!"
-10/1

A: "You hate me, don't you!...where did you get that Batman t-shirt?"
B: "Delia's!"
-10/1

A: "So Lindsay?"
B: "Yes?"
A: "I've been taking Centrum at night, and I feel like a new woman."
-10/5

"Where does Trent Reznor get all his clothes?...and I'm just realizing that he has a really big head."
-10/8

A: "I hate popcorn."
B: "What?!!"
A: "It's mindless!!"
-10/8

"Echhh, I hate me!"
-10/8

"Oh my God, dude, it's like, parallel...things!!"
-10/15

"Okay, everyone needs to take a deep breath. It was matzoh ball soup and a grilled cheese. Had it been filet mignon, it might have been different."
-10/15

"I don't know what I'd do if my family was actually into the religion they raised me in. (beat:) That'd be weird."
-10/15

A: "How could one person crunch louder than another?"
B (thoughtfully): "I don't know, I've been trying to figure that out."
-10/16

"First you have to do the medley, then you have to do the tribute...then you can do the mash-up."
-10/16

"I know I'm a little high, but Aaaah!, this is horrifying!...one more time."
-10/16

"I think the answering machine's calling our house!! (beat:) I think something's wrong!!"
-10/18

"Lindsay...how do you feel about super-sticky Post-It Notes??"
-10/25

September 2005

"It is kind of small, it is old-school, but I'm not sure I'd call it 'hobbity'."
-9/3

A: "I want to know what happened to Stina so bad!"
-beat-
B: "I'm gonna say middle management."
-9/3

"I'm getting a vintage Burberry trenchcoat for $22, thanks to Tina Turner who taught me how to chant."
-9/3

"I'm not hearing a word, I'm...rummaging around in cheese."
-9/6

"Okay, I just found someone really good-looking on the Discovery Channel...he's a crab fisherman!"
-9/6

"I'm actually busy today, which is rare and kind of stupid...but I have to make a Cobb salad...and go see a movie...and there's talk of a cakewalk?"
-9/10

Re. cakewalks:
"I was surprised to learn that the prize is actually cake, though...you know what I mean?"
-9/10

A: "So you hate Harold & Maude but you love Cat Stevens?"
B: "Yes."
-9/10

"The only bar in Ephrata is exactly like the only bar in Ephrata would be...and it's lit like Wal-Mart?"
-9/10

"I tried to pace his mom once when we were watching Finding Nemo, but I ended up getting tossed and going to bed."
-9/10

Re. a love interest of questionable sexuality:
"Good luck with that shady Kinsey girl."
-9/13

"We're not going to be doing anything that involves money, are we?, because I have, like, four dollars, and I kind of want some Kool-Aid."
-9/14

"It contains the best dance ever...after he smokes crack with some hookers. (defensively:) He's a bad lieutenant. Imagine the worst lieutenant ever, and that's Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant."
-9/14

A: "...He kept saying things that were gay-gay-gay-gay-gay-gay-gay--"
B: "Like what?"
A: "Like that he likes dressing like a Hardy Boy?"
-9/14

A: "What is gayer than an interpretive dance about the life and times of Selena?!"
B: "What is gayer is that there was a sequence in the interpretive dance wherein Selena discovers that she has hips."
-9/14

A: "I think I'm mad at Karl Lagerfeld right now."
B: "Because he designs with fur?"
A: "No...I'm not against animal cruelty?"
-9/14

"Do you know what Karl Lagerfeld most dislikes? Monday mornings. (beat:) What is he, Dilbert?"
-9/14

A: "Was that you making that rustling noise?"
B (making rustling noise): "Like this?"
A: "Yes."
B: "Yes. I was tap-dancing with my feet...I mean fingers."
-9/14

Re. Fire Island:
"Ooohhh...it's like the gay Shangri-La?"
-9/14

Re. vegan jerky:
"It's like I'm chewing on an old, dried-up sponge...that's beef-flavored."
-9/17

"The picture is, like, to die for, it's like strawberry shortcake...in heaven."
-9/18

After a picture is taken:
"Wait, am I in that?, because you didn't give me time to craft my facial expression."
-9/18

A: "I'm just sayin', they signed the mailing list, we should give 'em something."
B: "They got a pin...and rocked by us!"
-9/18

"What is this magical dispenser??"
-9/20

"Look, I know I have a butt chin, but I do not have Sara Gilbert's face!!"
-9/21

"I have a letter opener, you know...it's a cute little dagger."
-9/21

"Look, you can suck my dick!, at least I'm not workin' at the call center for the gas company!"
-9/21

"Where is this alleged Raisin Bran, dude?"
-9/21

"Why have a dead flower when you can have a live succulent?"
-9/24

"You guys, it's label-on-postcard time!!"
-9/25

"Dude, I was crocheting at dinner, and it was so gratifying!"
-9/25

"Damn!, my armpits stink, but I love it!"
-9/25

"Wow, I think I'm venturing into a world I never dared."
-9/25

"Oh my God, I have been high on more Christmases than is even funny."
-9/26

A: "I just wanted to say 'patronize'."
B: "And 'chipotle'!"
-9/26

August 2005

Dad: "This is a thought I've had for years: WHY should kids share?"
-8/5

"Okay, Linds, I need someone with muscles, and believe it or not, that's you."
-8/8

Re. Sex/Love Addicts Anonymous:
A: "Okay, I get the part about being addicted to sex...but is it possible to be addicted to love?"
B: "According to Robert Palmer it is."
-8/14

As heard on a Discovery Channel program:
"The numbers are staggering...until you do the math."
-8/22

"That was the most masculine way of saying 'quiche' I've ever heard!"
-8/27

"There's only one way to do Into the Woods. Pop in the Bernadette Peters tape and repeat as necessary."
-8/27

"Are there people inside, Mom, or...where can I find cheese?"
-8/27