"Well, I know he's not a security guard 24/7, but now I'm all embarrassed to wear my footie pajamas!"
-4/3
Overheard on walkie-talkie frequency:
A: "Hey, it's working! What did you do? (pause:) Hey, what did you do? It was working!"
B: "I plugged it in."
A: "Plug it in again. It was working!"
-4/4
"You oughta see my tantrums...they're so cute!"
-4/6
A: "Audrey is Japanese!"
B: "Why, 'cause she can eat so much?"
-4/7
"Just the name -- the Viper Room -- makes me want to castrate men."
-4/7
Vet Tech: "Does your dog go by Mayo or Spiderman?"
Dog Owner: "Actually, he goes by both."
-4/8
"It's kind of endearing 'cause he's such a wiener, but it's kind of like, 'Stop being such a wiener!' "
-4/8
"I have to move some stuff...but it's not trash. That's the dif."
-4/8
A (incredulously): "You swallowed a marble as a child and never pooped it out?!"
B: "...I'm pretty sure."
-4/8
"But it was almost nonfaggy it was so faggy!...you know what I mean?"
-4/8
"But you guys, she's wearing a CBGBs t-shirt, so she's cool! Okay?"
-4/8
A: "I said 'potassium'."
B: "I thought she said 'poontassium'!"
-4/8
"She keeps saying, 'Get it on dooow-own!' like she was in Deee-Lite or something."
-4/8
"Because of this, we all realize that Chumbawamba has moved up a notch."
-4/8
"Yeah, thanks, Topper! Thanks for evening the scales...of rudeness!"
-4/8
A: "Canine?! Canine?!"
B: "What?! Do you mean dog-touching?!"
-4/8
"No, I'm better than this! It's just that it's dark in here, and my finger slipped."
-4/8
A: "Which one's Dorothy?"
B: "Bea Arthur!"
A: "Oh. Diss!"
-4/8
A: "Dorothy?! You mean gay?!"
B: "No...Golden Girls."
-4/8
Re. a MySpace friend request:
"Who's adding me now? Oh. Attila & the Huns...deny."
-4/8
"Ooohh!...you guys wanna see my rotting wisdom teeth?"
-4/8
A: "It was Rod Stewart that ended our relationship, Pam!"
B: "It kind of was...on a metaphorical level."
-4/8
"Whose dog would snort cocaine?...a gay man's poodle!"
-4/8
"It is good for you! Your daily source of PoonTassium."
-4/8
"Do you have a roach clip? Can we use a capo?"
-4/8
"If his tongue was chillin' on his paw, he liked it."
-4/8
"I don't know if it's the marijuana, the beer or the Enya, but I am relaxed."
-4/8
Re. a regular and 24-oz. can of beer:
"Awww, it looks like Mama Miller Lite Can and Baby Miller Lite Can!"
-4/8
Re. little yappy dogs:
"The man used to collect vintage clothing, what kind of a dog do you think he'd have?!"
-4/9
Re. socks:
"Holey ones it is...in honor of Papyra of Judas!"
-4/9
While flipping through a catalog:
"I'm tired of looking at luau stuff...Ooohh! Bandanas!"
-4/13
A: "I think I said something really inappropriate to Miguel last night."
B: "What?!"
A: "I asked him if he wanted to watch March of the Penguins with me."
-4/13
"Ooohh!, can we go to New York? The girl I have a crush on is now single."
-4/13
"It was shocking. I didn't even know they let white people have shows on UPN."
-4/25
"Seriously, when you think you've gotten the weirdest call you could get...someone calls about a conch shell."
-4/25
"What?! I could see naming it Spaghetti, but Spaghetti All Over Its Face Popple?! That's crazy talk!"
-4/27
A: "It's like that time you hit me in the crotch when I was putting on my sweatshirt!"
B: "That was so awesome!"
-4/27
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, March 31, 2006
March 2006
A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-3/1
"It's time. It's time. I'm 24, it's time to wear some shorts."
-3/1
Re. Flea the cat:
"Doesn't he look like a human inside of his face sometimes?"
-3/1
A: "How was your day, lady?"
B: "It was fine. I got assloads of little coffee cakes, though."
-3/3
"A smile and a good attitude is all you're bringin'...I have sunscreen."
-3/4
"It looks like ringworm, but I think it's just...that he attacked his nipple."
-3/5
"It's really overdoing it. It's like an SNL skit now."
-3/5
"I can smell the Febreze from here! Jesus...it's like living with David again."
-3/6
After finishing phone call with customer:
"Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!"
-3/6
"I think I need to experiment with different types of necklines."
-3/7
"Well, the point is...they wear unitards and helmets and do karate moves."
-3/7
A: "He wouldn't call you retarded."
B: "He might, Lindsay, he might. He's an awful man. (reflective pause:) No. Not really...just Asian."
-3/7
"They're such a great couple! Talk about nonmonogamy."
-3/9
"Oh my God I want this t-shirt so bad! Look at it...a hot dog high-fiving mustard!"
-3/9
"If this is hell it's pretty sweet!"
-3/10
"Educational building toy my foot! You just want to make a pirate castle."
-3/10
"No toys? That's really sad...what about Lego?"
-3/10
In a singsong voice, while looking out the window:
"Who wants to see a rainbow?...Pam?"
-3/10
"Nothing is sacred. Not Jesus, not babies, nothing."
-3/10
A: "If I had a ping-pong table would you play with me?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Do you think we'd get really good?"
B: "Yeah, we'd be like Asians!"
-3/10
"Well, the Chinese are amazing at everything...they're like Nazis!"
-3/10
A: "Sarah'd be happy. You would be happy. And Jon would be happy."
B: "It's true. We'd be like polygamists without the sex."
-3/10
A: "He's like the Gallagher boy."
B: "Liam?"
A: "I don't know. Either one that sucks."
-3/11
"Well, he did like the Cake-a-Walk, but he wouldn't like Lady of the Lake because he has prejudice in his heart."
-3/12
"I'm so relieved. I took my car to Jiffy Lube this morning. It needed coolant. It needed to chill."
-3/13
Lunatic coworker: "If Kathy has a BlackBerry, then that means I should have a BlackBerry."
-3/13
A: "I don't sleep soundly at all."
B: "Oh, man...you should join the Army."
-3/13
"Our first order of business is to write a lesbo movie that doesn't suck."
-3/14
"Are you mocking me with your nostrils?"
-3/16
"It's too hot. When it burns your diaphragm, it's too hot."
-3/18
Re. a suspected lesbian:
"She had volleyball written all over her."
-3/18
Re. Stevie Wonder presenting an award to R. Kelly:
"It's like, 'Stevie Wonder! Of course you're presenting him with an award, you've never seen him!"
-3/19
"I was like, 'What-eva!', and I pooped! I can do what I want!"
-3/20
A: "What was the Word of the Day yesterday?"
B (pause): "You mean from Dictionary.com?"
A: "Yeah."
B: "Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails."
A: "Oh, I don't either. I just wanted to know what it was."
-3/21
"She looks like she's drunk or on drugs or something. Maybe it's the weight of her bangs holding down her eyelid."
-3/21
"...and he's wearing white shoes, where is he, Florida?!"
-3/21
A: "She may have become a nun."
B: "Seriously?"
A: "That's what I've heard."
-beat-
B: "That would explain why she's not on MySpace."
-3/23
A hands B a paper clip bent into the shape of a heart.
B: "Thank you! I will treasure it."
A: "No -- use it as a weapon."
B: "I will treasure it and use it as a weapon."
-3/24
"I know Lindsay is all about the trivia...but I don't think we'll ever get her inside a Hooters!"
-3/24
A: "Like I don't want to be there?! To see my mom get married?! She birthed me!...you know."
B: "I know."
-3/25
"I've been having a really hard time telling middle-aged white men apart lately?"
-3/25
"...Also, another gay thing about the terrier? The terrier has Seasonal Affective Disorder."
-3/25
"Wait, we talk about Teri Hatcher, we just don't talk about how her eyelids look like labia."
-3/25
"...so it was fun, I had some wine and a Percoset...and watched The Goonies."
-3/26
"My grandmother used to say, 'Eat through the pain,' but she was a very large woman."
-3/27
"You know what? Sometimes, I would kill for chopped liver."
-3/27
"...So I'm broke, but I have a dog with short toenails!"
-3/27
"I'm happy to announce that we have an assortment of muffins here."
-3/28
Disgustedly, while looking at an accounting report:
"Is that still that Mendelsohn/Zien shit penny sittin' in there?!"
-3/28
A: "Do you crave fatty foods at that time of the month?"
B: "I pretty much crave food all the time."
A: "Really? That's cool."
-3/28
“It’s weird having a wife! I wanted to stay up and go on the internet, but I had to go to bed.”
-3/28
Re. Belle & Sebastian:
"The songs would be so much better if they were sung by someone who had some balls...or a lady."
-3/28
"Sometimes you do bad things and you feel good about it."
-3/31
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-3/1
"It's time. It's time. I'm 24, it's time to wear some shorts."
-3/1
Re. Flea the cat:
"Doesn't he look like a human inside of his face sometimes?"
-3/1
A: "How was your day, lady?"
B: "It was fine. I got assloads of little coffee cakes, though."
-3/3
"A smile and a good attitude is all you're bringin'...I have sunscreen."
-3/4
"It looks like ringworm, but I think it's just...that he attacked his nipple."
-3/5
"It's really overdoing it. It's like an SNL skit now."
-3/5
"I can smell the Febreze from here! Jesus...it's like living with David again."
-3/6
After finishing phone call with customer:
"Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!"
-3/6
"I think I need to experiment with different types of necklines."
-3/7
"Well, the point is...they wear unitards and helmets and do karate moves."
-3/7
A: "He wouldn't call you retarded."
B: "He might, Lindsay, he might. He's an awful man. (reflective pause:) No. Not really...just Asian."
-3/7
"They're such a great couple! Talk about nonmonogamy."
-3/9
"Oh my God I want this t-shirt so bad! Look at it...a hot dog high-fiving mustard!"
-3/9
"If this is hell it's pretty sweet!"
-3/10
"Educational building toy my foot! You just want to make a pirate castle."
-3/10
"No toys? That's really sad...what about Lego?"
-3/10
In a singsong voice, while looking out the window:
"Who wants to see a rainbow?...Pam?"
-3/10
"Nothing is sacred. Not Jesus, not babies, nothing."
-3/10
A: "If I had a ping-pong table would you play with me?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Do you think we'd get really good?"
B: "Yeah, we'd be like Asians!"
-3/10
"Well, the Chinese are amazing at everything...they're like Nazis!"
-3/10
A: "Sarah'd be happy. You would be happy. And Jon would be happy."
B: "It's true. We'd be like polygamists without the sex."
-3/10
A: "He's like the Gallagher boy."
B: "Liam?"
A: "I don't know. Either one that sucks."
-3/11
"Well, he did like the Cake-a-Walk, but he wouldn't like Lady of the Lake because he has prejudice in his heart."
-3/12
"I'm so relieved. I took my car to Jiffy Lube this morning. It needed coolant. It needed to chill."
-3/13
Lunatic coworker: "If Kathy has a BlackBerry, then that means I should have a BlackBerry."
-3/13
A: "I don't sleep soundly at all."
B: "Oh, man...you should join the Army."
-3/13
"Our first order of business is to write a lesbo movie that doesn't suck."
-3/14
"Are you mocking me with your nostrils?"
-3/16
"It's too hot. When it burns your diaphragm, it's too hot."
-3/18
Re. a suspected lesbian:
"She had volleyball written all over her."
-3/18
Re. Stevie Wonder presenting an award to R. Kelly:
"It's like, 'Stevie Wonder! Of course you're presenting him with an award, you've never seen him!"
-3/19
"I was like, 'What-eva!', and I pooped! I can do what I want!"
-3/20
A: "What was the Word of the Day yesterday?"
B (pause): "You mean from Dictionary.com?"
A: "Yeah."
B: "Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails."
A: "Oh, I don't either. I just wanted to know what it was."
-3/21
"She looks like she's drunk or on drugs or something. Maybe it's the weight of her bangs holding down her eyelid."
-3/21
"...and he's wearing white shoes, where is he, Florida?!"
-3/21
A: "She may have become a nun."
B: "Seriously?"
A: "That's what I've heard."
-beat-
B: "That would explain why she's not on MySpace."
-3/23
A hands B a paper clip bent into the shape of a heart.
B: "Thank you! I will treasure it."
A: "No -- use it as a weapon."
B: "I will treasure it and use it as a weapon."
-3/24
"I know Lindsay is all about the trivia...but I don't think we'll ever get her inside a Hooters!"
-3/24
A: "Like I don't want to be there?! To see my mom get married?! She birthed me!...you know."
B: "I know."
-3/25
"I've been having a really hard time telling middle-aged white men apart lately?"
-3/25
"...Also, another gay thing about the terrier? The terrier has Seasonal Affective Disorder."
-3/25
"Wait, we talk about Teri Hatcher, we just don't talk about how her eyelids look like labia."
-3/25
"...so it was fun, I had some wine and a Percoset...and watched The Goonies."
-3/26
"My grandmother used to say, 'Eat through the pain,' but she was a very large woman."
-3/27
"You know what? Sometimes, I would kill for chopped liver."
-3/27
"...So I'm broke, but I have a dog with short toenails!"
-3/27
"I'm happy to announce that we have an assortment of muffins here."
-3/28
Disgustedly, while looking at an accounting report:
"Is that still that Mendelsohn/Zien shit penny sittin' in there?!"
-3/28
A: "Do you crave fatty foods at that time of the month?"
B: "I pretty much crave food all the time."
A: "Really? That's cool."
-3/28
“It’s weird having a wife! I wanted to stay up and go on the internet, but I had to go to bed.”
-3/28
Re. Belle & Sebastian:
"The songs would be so much better if they were sung by someone who had some balls...or a lady."
-3/28
"Sometimes you do bad things and you feel good about it."
-3/31
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
February 2006
A: "He doesn't eat hot dogs?! What kind of cat doesn't eat hot dogs?!"
B: "This one!"
-2/2
"She wanted to savor each bite, but she was all Tori Amos about it and droolin' on herself."
-2/2
"Please don't ever say your cat ravaged you again."
-2/2
Re. Superbowl party:
A: "Will there be game-playing?"
B: "Well...the people on the screen are the ones playing the game...it's not like a baby shower!"
-2/4
"Look at this puppy!!...ignore the tartan...just look at the puppy."
-2/7
"I'm gonna make it a hobby of mine to pick a new cheese every time I walk into a grocery store."
-2/7
"What's something that you can eat or drink that makes you feel really good?...Besides drugs?"
-2/12
"No, no, we're not talking about 'Kumbaya', we're talking about 'Coonrod'."
-2/13
Re. belly buttons:
"It's just 'cause it feels weird. Like, I feel it in my crotch...and not in a good way."
-2/18
"Two weeks?! I don't fuckin' need two weeks! It's a three-page paper...about statues!"
-2/19
A: "Oh yeah?! I'll do my Tejano riff!"
B: "Oh, shit...she said 'riff'!!"
-2/19
A: "This is horrifying!"
B: "Well...'cause of my tight-mouth!"
-2/19
Re. cats' love of paper:
"Like, it owns them. Even the big ones...even the big ones. If there's a business card on the floor, they will go for it."
-2/19
"Oh, just leave my albino face alone! I can't help it!"
-2/19
"It could possibly be that I was high, and my mitts are all tingly and I was rubbin' 'em."
-2/19
"Topper just bit his foot, and then licked it twice...and then he was done."
-2/19
"This makes me think of, like, Superman's winter lair."
-2/19
"All this Cell Phone talk is stressing me out."
-2/19
Re. a picture of Flea the cat:
"Wait, was Kate Stewart mesmerized by him?"
-2/19
"Like, he ruined my suitcase...and there are valuable videocassettes in that basket!"
-2/19
"Seriously, I snorted cookie tonight...I'm not up for this."
-2/19
"So, wait. Are you telling me that you're moving or that you created a massive swoop?"
-2/19
Re. Thomas Kinkade prints:
"They are luminous. (beat:) That's a good descriptive word."
-2/19
Re. Madonna:
"Everyone else has a Black Album...she has to have a White Album."
-2/19
Very seriously:
"It was a hidden, deeply- ...wait, what was that you were saying about shorts??"
-2/19
"No, I know, it's just...don't compare sexiness with Kathleen Turner."
-2/19
"Do you guys ever feel dominated by the fat on your legs?"
-2/19
A: "Like, when you look at this picture what do you see? I mean, what profession would I be?"
B: "Ummm...a pastor's wife?"
-2/19
A: "Did you sit next to anyone cool on the plane?"
B (disgustedly): "No. I sat by a woman."
-2/22
"I like to wear a jacket. It completes my look. (beat:) And it's a blazer, not a jacket."
-2/22
A: "Are you from the South?"
B: "Southern Illinois. I count that."
-2/23
"I was trying to give her a good analogy, but I ended up just making everyone uncomfortable."
-2/23
"Ughhh...Lindsay couldn't eat a Krispy Kreme. (beat:) Or a bran muffin."
-2/23
A: "What does it taste like?"
B: "Uhhh...not good. (beat:) Notice I'm clearing the sink in case I puke."
-2/23
"My consciousness was of Step, Step...Ass, Ass, Ass, Ass...then, Stop."
-2/23
"I need to change. Sorry it took so long to realize I look like an ass!"
-2/23
"Brad?! Brad was destroyed. By a heinous beast who doctored a picture of Elijah Wood!"
-2/23
A: "You've been to Canada, haven't you?"
B: "Well, yes, to Flintstoneland, when I was like seven."
-2/23
Re. "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent:
"It's a song you sing in your bedroom and figure out what harmony you would be. That's it! You don't take it public!"
-2/23
"You are my Google, Lindsay...as well as my dictionary.com."
-2/23
Pam re. Lindsay: "She likes shiny things...I like argyle."
-2/24
"She was really good! Like, almost better than Cher!"
-2/24
Coworker A: "Can you hold on there a second? I've got a paper that I think you'll wanna have."
Coworker B (hopefully): "Is it my walking papers?"
-2/24
Coworker, while writing in farewell card: "Is 'riddance' with one 'D' or two 'D's??"
-2/24
"Pamela, I have to tell you that I was quite taken with your bathmats."
-2/24
"I find it confusing too, Sarah. But then again, I do have a brain injury."
-2/24
"Lindsay, that is Aunt Jemima. When you see her, you know."
-2/24
A: "I think it's just a racist figurine!"
B: "Well...it's a racist figurine and Aunt Jemima."
-2/24
"But where's my bathroom?!...I feel like I'm in an episode of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark'!"
-2/24
"This is like...they set it up for awkward moments...you know?"
-2/24
"Why is there a tree out here?!...Are we outside?!!" -2/24
LINDSAY: "Where are you ladies going?"
ADAM: "I'm going down there."
-2/24
"I'm sure there is an ATM very close...But I don't know, it's the Valley."
-2/24
A: "Where's the prototype?!"
B: "In my vagina."
-2/24
A: "Lindsay, I verified it!"
B: "Yeah, with a gay man!"
A (heatedly): "There was a woman there too!!"
-2/24
"Let's go dumpster-diving. Like, all the time. We could get, like, wetsuits."
-2/24
"Gold medal or not, she's still Michelle Kwan!"
-2/24
"I just kept thinking about...how can it be comfortable to keep moving your mouth up and down...so fast!"
-2/24
"I'm just realizing how truly homosexual it was when I went on that rant about Janice Dickinson!" -2/24
"I have a very vivid memory of the P.E. teacher saying, 'Girls...and Adam...shhhh!'"
-2/25
"Well, it's just too flavorful. You know me, I don't like flavor overload."
-2/25
"What's a bovine? Is that a snake?"
-2/25
A: "But what is the dance supposed to be?"
B: "It's a hammer and saw! It's self-explanatory!"
-2/25
"If you have ever eaten in a real Texas barbeque, there are no Asians or cracked peanuts!!"
-2/25
Re. Joni Mitchell:
"I think it is folk...but I still like it."
-2/25
"I know the town better than you do, and I never saw any lesbians or beer...all right?"
-2/25
"I need another Coke. I had a really long day. I had a three-hour clown party today."
-2/25
"Circle up, kids, it's carpet time!"
-2/25
"A little thigh goes a long way...POP! (beat:) I need to stop drinking Coca-Cola."
-2/25
"Uhhh...quotes! Those are great for cross-stitching!"
-2/25
A: "So if I were to roll out on you in a hamster ball...I would be gay?"
B: "Uhhh...yes."
-2/25
"I haven't seen her since the Viper Room, either...I think she's gotten bad taste since then!"
-2/25
"I didn't envy him at all! He wore flip-flops and a blazer...come on!"
-2/25
"I feel so disconnected without access to MySpace!"
-2/26
Re. conservative parenting:
"I wasn't supposed to know about my period, apparently...like Carrie!"
-2/26
"I was Fat Blossom. It's no fun being Fat Blossom."
-2/26
A: "Like who in Les Miz?"
B: "Gavroche."
-beat-
A: "Oh, okay."
-2/26
Dejectedly:
"Ohhh!, I'm a giant like Macy Gray!"
-2/26
A: "...foamed at the mouth, foamed at the mouth --"
B: "She was frothy."
-2/26
Fiercely:
"Good night!, good night!...I will leave some blankets out, and a pillow!"
-2/26
"I'm sorry, I'm usually so fun!"
-2/26
"I think I've finally made the change from a Sweet to a Savory."
-2/26
"No place in the entire city of San Francisco had a long curly black wig. (beat:) I was ready to slit my wrists right there and call it done."
-2/26
"My favorite movie, reminds me of my childhood, she hates it. But. Renee Zellweger. Reminds me of the Albino."
-2/26
A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-2/26
A: "It's like a positive Tourette's!"
B: "Yeah...I think I'm the first person who's ever spun Tourette's that way."
-2/28
An explanation of cell phone ringtones:
"Yeah...there's only, like, four people I like, and they're chimps. The rest are toilets."
-2/28
"But does that make me weird? That I'm, like, a weird science nerd in my head?"
-2/28
B: "This one!"
-2/2
"She wanted to savor each bite, but she was all Tori Amos about it and droolin' on herself."
-2/2
"Please don't ever say your cat ravaged you again."
-2/2
Re. Superbowl party:
A: "Will there be game-playing?"
B: "Well...the people on the screen are the ones playing the game...it's not like a baby shower!"
-2/4
"Look at this puppy!!...ignore the tartan...just look at the puppy."
-2/7
"I'm gonna make it a hobby of mine to pick a new cheese every time I walk into a grocery store."
-2/7
"What's something that you can eat or drink that makes you feel really good?...Besides drugs?"
-2/12
"No, no, we're not talking about 'Kumbaya', we're talking about 'Coonrod'."
-2/13
Re. belly buttons:
"It's just 'cause it feels weird. Like, I feel it in my crotch...and not in a good way."
-2/18
"Two weeks?! I don't fuckin' need two weeks! It's a three-page paper...about statues!"
-2/19
A: "Oh yeah?! I'll do my Tejano riff!"
B: "Oh, shit...she said 'riff'!!"
-2/19
A: "This is horrifying!"
B: "Well...'cause of my tight-mouth!"
-2/19
Re. cats' love of paper:
"Like, it owns them. Even the big ones...even the big ones. If there's a business card on the floor, they will go for it."
-2/19
"Oh, just leave my albino face alone! I can't help it!"
-2/19
"It could possibly be that I was high, and my mitts are all tingly and I was rubbin' 'em."
-2/19
"Topper just bit his foot, and then licked it twice...and then he was done."
-2/19
"This makes me think of, like, Superman's winter lair."
-2/19
"All this Cell Phone talk is stressing me out."
-2/19
Re. a picture of Flea the cat:
"Wait, was Kate Stewart mesmerized by him?"
-2/19
"Like, he ruined my suitcase...and there are valuable videocassettes in that basket!"
-2/19
"Seriously, I snorted cookie tonight...I'm not up for this."
-2/19
"So, wait. Are you telling me that you're moving or that you created a massive swoop?"
-2/19
Re. Thomas Kinkade prints:
"They are luminous. (beat:) That's a good descriptive word."
-2/19
Re. Madonna:
"Everyone else has a Black Album...she has to have a White Album."
-2/19
Very seriously:
"It was a hidden, deeply- ...wait, what was that you were saying about shorts??"
-2/19
"No, I know, it's just...don't compare sexiness with Kathleen Turner."
-2/19
"Do you guys ever feel dominated by the fat on your legs?"
-2/19
A: "Like, when you look at this picture what do you see? I mean, what profession would I be?"
B: "Ummm...a pastor's wife?"
-2/19
A: "Did you sit next to anyone cool on the plane?"
B (disgustedly): "No. I sat by a woman."
-2/22
"I like to wear a jacket. It completes my look. (beat:) And it's a blazer, not a jacket."
-2/22
A: "Are you from the South?"
B: "Southern Illinois. I count that."
-2/23
"I was trying to give her a good analogy, but I ended up just making everyone uncomfortable."
-2/23
"Ughhh...Lindsay couldn't eat a Krispy Kreme. (beat:) Or a bran muffin."
-2/23
A: "What does it taste like?"
B: "Uhhh...not good. (beat:) Notice I'm clearing the sink in case I puke."
-2/23
"My consciousness was of Step, Step...Ass, Ass, Ass, Ass...then, Stop."
-2/23
"I need to change. Sorry it took so long to realize I look like an ass!"
-2/23
"Brad?! Brad was destroyed. By a heinous beast who doctored a picture of Elijah Wood!"
-2/23
A: "You've been to Canada, haven't you?"
B: "Well, yes, to Flintstoneland, when I was like seven."
-2/23
Re. "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent:
"It's a song you sing in your bedroom and figure out what harmony you would be. That's it! You don't take it public!"
-2/23
"You are my Google, Lindsay...as well as my dictionary.com."
-2/23
Pam re. Lindsay: "She likes shiny things...I like argyle."
-2/24
"She was really good! Like, almost better than Cher!"
-2/24
Coworker A: "Can you hold on there a second? I've got a paper that I think you'll wanna have."
Coworker B (hopefully): "Is it my walking papers?"
-2/24
Coworker, while writing in farewell card: "Is 'riddance' with one 'D' or two 'D's??"
-2/24
"Pamela, I have to tell you that I was quite taken with your bathmats."
-2/24
"I find it confusing too, Sarah. But then again, I do have a brain injury."
-2/24
"Lindsay, that is Aunt Jemima. When you see her, you know."
-2/24
A: "I think it's just a racist figurine!"
B: "Well...it's a racist figurine and Aunt Jemima."
-2/24
"But where's my bathroom?!...I feel like I'm in an episode of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark'!"
-2/24
"This is like...they set it up for awkward moments...you know?"
-2/24
"Why is there a tree out here?!...Are we outside?!!" -2/24
LINDSAY: "Where are you ladies going?"
ADAM: "I'm going down there."
-2/24
"I'm sure there is an ATM very close...But I don't know, it's the Valley."
-2/24
A: "Where's the prototype?!"
B: "In my vagina."
-2/24
A: "Lindsay, I verified it!"
B: "Yeah, with a gay man!"
A (heatedly): "There was a woman there too!!"
-2/24
"Let's go dumpster-diving. Like, all the time. We could get, like, wetsuits."
-2/24
"Gold medal or not, she's still Michelle Kwan!"
-2/24
"I just kept thinking about...how can it be comfortable to keep moving your mouth up and down...so fast!"
-2/24
"I'm just realizing how truly homosexual it was when I went on that rant about Janice Dickinson!" -2/24
"I have a very vivid memory of the P.E. teacher saying, 'Girls...and Adam...shhhh!'"
-2/25
"Well, it's just too flavorful. You know me, I don't like flavor overload."
-2/25
"What's a bovine? Is that a snake?"
-2/25
A: "But what is the dance supposed to be?"
B: "It's a hammer and saw! It's self-explanatory!"
-2/25
"If you have ever eaten in a real Texas barbeque, there are no Asians or cracked peanuts!!"
-2/25
Re. Joni Mitchell:
"I think it is folk...but I still like it."
-2/25
"I know the town better than you do, and I never saw any lesbians or beer...all right?"
-2/25
"I need another Coke. I had a really long day. I had a three-hour clown party today."
-2/25
"Circle up, kids, it's carpet time!"
-2/25
"A little thigh goes a long way...POP! (beat:) I need to stop drinking Coca-Cola."
-2/25
"Uhhh...quotes! Those are great for cross-stitching!"
-2/25
A: "So if I were to roll out on you in a hamster ball...I would be gay?"
B: "Uhhh...yes."
-2/25
"I haven't seen her since the Viper Room, either...I think she's gotten bad taste since then!"
-2/25
"I didn't envy him at all! He wore flip-flops and a blazer...come on!"
-2/25
"I feel so disconnected without access to MySpace!"
-2/26
Re. conservative parenting:
"I wasn't supposed to know about my period, apparently...like Carrie!"
-2/26
"I was Fat Blossom. It's no fun being Fat Blossom."
-2/26
A: "Like who in Les Miz?"
B: "Gavroche."
-beat-
A: "Oh, okay."
-2/26
Dejectedly:
"Ohhh!, I'm a giant like Macy Gray!"
-2/26
A: "...foamed at the mouth, foamed at the mouth --"
B: "She was frothy."
-2/26
Fiercely:
"Good night!, good night!...I will leave some blankets out, and a pillow!"
-2/26
"I'm sorry, I'm usually so fun!"
-2/26
"I think I've finally made the change from a Sweet to a Savory."
-2/26
"No place in the entire city of San Francisco had a long curly black wig. (beat:) I was ready to slit my wrists right there and call it done."
-2/26
"My favorite movie, reminds me of my childhood, she hates it. But. Renee Zellweger. Reminds me of the Albino."
-2/26
A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-2/26
A: "It's like a positive Tourette's!"
B: "Yeah...I think I'm the first person who's ever spun Tourette's that way."
-2/28
An explanation of cell phone ringtones:
"Yeah...there's only, like, four people I like, and they're chimps. The rest are toilets."
-2/28
"But does that make me weird? That I'm, like, a weird science nerd in my head?"
-2/28
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
January 2006
Outraged, re. R. Kelly:
"Well, there are more ugly men than him. (beat:) At least he's proportionate!"
-1/1
"I was just thinkin' about JTT yesterday!! I was in the shower, and he just popped into my head."
-1/1
"It's Muppets and crystals!!...I'm not diggin' it."
-1/1
"Sexual?!! Lindsay, it's a pipe! You have to penetrate it."
-1/4
A: "How did we get that teepee, did Dee Dee give it to us?"
B: "I don't know, let's get back to you being a slut!"
-1/7
"Did you just compare Steve Perry to Fraulein Maria?!!"
-1/7
Wistfully, in unison, after walking past a mother and child talking about ice cream:
A: "I want a kid!"
B: "I want fudge sauce!"
-1/7
"You wanna know the facts? Here's the facts. Between eleven and two, my tuna walked away."
-1/10
"I don't care about John Melendez...and some black woman with a microphone!!"
-1/14
"See?!?! That's what textin' does to friendships!!"
-1/14
A: "What the hell was that?"
B: "That was Jon."
-pause-
A: "What was he doing?"
B: "Rappin'."
-pause-
JON (heatedly): "Beatboxing!!"
-1/15
"It looked like someone came in--with poop on their shoes--and did a dance."
-1/15
"NO! NO! Pizza is on me...I'm just sayin' I'm lazy."
-1/15
"That's a good question. (beat:) I think I'd hang my fanny out to dry every once in a while."
-1/15
A: "Are we going, or should I just go?"
B: "I don't know, what time is it?"
A: "Nine-thirty."
C: "Really?! I thought I was on that noodle for way longer than that!"
-1/15
"You're going to be the mother of a bastard child in a lesbian live-in situation!!"
-1/17
A: "Ye-ah!-- 'cause Dad's mean-spirited, of course he thinks that shit's hilarious!!"
B: "And spiteful!"
-1/17
A (disdainfully): "That gay!!"
-beat-
B: "What?"
A: "He's so gay!!"
B: "He can't help it."
-beat-
A: "I know."
B: "Well...actually he looks like he can."
-1/18
Re. Friendster:
"Where are my picture comments?! About Bill?!...And what about my testimonial?...you son of a bitch."
-1/19
A (guiltily): "This might not actually be the Stray Cats. I apologize for that."
B: "Who is it?"
A: "I don't think you want to know. (beat:) It's Letters To Cleo."
-1/21
A (outraged): "Is this Booker T. & the MGs?!!"
B: "It's the 'Munsters' theme song!"
-1/21
Upon discovery of cookie crumbs on couch:
"G.D.!!! (pause; then after picking at crumbs for a while:) I don't even know if this is my cookie."
-1/21
A: "Are you staying up?"
B: "Yeah, for a little while."
A: "Would you be watching a movie anyway?"
B: "Yeah, probably. I do most nights. (beat:) That, or masturbation."
-1/21
"Well, there are more ugly men than him. (beat:) At least he's proportionate!"
-1/1
"I was just thinkin' about JTT yesterday!! I was in the shower, and he just popped into my head."
-1/1
"It's Muppets and crystals!!...I'm not diggin' it."
-1/1
"Sexual?!! Lindsay, it's a pipe! You have to penetrate it."
-1/4
A: "How did we get that teepee, did Dee Dee give it to us?"
B: "I don't know, let's get back to you being a slut!"
-1/7
"Did you just compare Steve Perry to Fraulein Maria?!!"
-1/7
Wistfully, in unison, after walking past a mother and child talking about ice cream:
A: "I want a kid!"
B: "I want fudge sauce!"
-1/7
"You wanna know the facts? Here's the facts. Between eleven and two, my tuna walked away."
-1/10
"I don't care about John Melendez...and some black woman with a microphone!!"
-1/14
"See?!?! That's what textin' does to friendships!!"
-1/14
A: "What the hell was that?"
B: "That was Jon."
-pause-
A: "What was he doing?"
B: "Rappin'."
-pause-
JON (heatedly): "Beatboxing!!"
-1/15
"It looked like someone came in--with poop on their shoes--and did a dance."
-1/15
"NO! NO! Pizza is on me...I'm just sayin' I'm lazy."
-1/15
"That's a good question. (beat:) I think I'd hang my fanny out to dry every once in a while."
-1/15
A: "Are we going, or should I just go?"
B: "I don't know, what time is it?"
A: "Nine-thirty."
C: "Really?! I thought I was on that noodle for way longer than that!"
-1/15
"You're going to be the mother of a bastard child in a lesbian live-in situation!!"
-1/17
A: "Ye-ah!-- 'cause Dad's mean-spirited, of course he thinks that shit's hilarious!!"
B: "And spiteful!"
-1/17
A (disdainfully): "That gay!!"
-beat-
B: "What?"
A: "He's so gay!!"
B: "He can't help it."
-beat-
A: "I know."
B: "Well...actually he looks like he can."
-1/18
Re. Friendster:
"Where are my picture comments?! About Bill?!...And what about my testimonial?...you son of a bitch."
-1/19
A (guiltily): "This might not actually be the Stray Cats. I apologize for that."
B: "Who is it?"
A: "I don't think you want to know. (beat:) It's Letters To Cleo."
-1/21
A (outraged): "Is this Booker T. & the MGs?!!"
B: "It's the 'Munsters' theme song!"
-1/21
Upon discovery of cookie crumbs on couch:
"G.D.!!! (pause; then after picking at crumbs for a while:) I don't even know if this is my cookie."
-1/21
A: "Are you staying up?"
B: "Yeah, for a little while."
A: "Would you be watching a movie anyway?"
B: "Yeah, probably. I do most nights. (beat:) That, or masturbation."
-1/21
Saturday, December 31, 2005
December 2005
"It was like petting a pig with warts and hair...but it grew on you, you know?"
-12/3
"Look you guys, I'm darker than these panties and I used to be way whiter!!"
-12/3
"There's half-eaten bread all over the place and fart in the air!"
-12/3
"My back hurts, you guys. (beat:) I feel like I did something I don't know about."
-12/4
"Look, it's not like he's throwing his whole body at you, he's just throwing his crotch at you -- it's not gonna break you!"
-12/4
"Like, earlier...with all the classical music and all the talkin'...I couldn't take it!"
-12/4
A: "This is Nada Surf, right?"
B: "Sweet God! (beat:) It's Death Cab for Cutie."
-12/4
"Wait...get out...we have to go! We're not staying for the wizard fight."
-12/4
A: "You don't think it's going to explode, do you?"
B: "I don't know?...umm...I do know that our electronics have a tendency to get possessed."
-12/6
Disdainfully:
"Is it about anarchy? (beat:) I don't think I can make an anarchy scarf."
-12/8
A: "Lindsay, do you have any idea how many people you would have offended if they heard that?"
B: "I don't care! I have no respect for the Beth Orton worshipers."
-12/8
"Look, you are trying to compare Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli! We know Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli are ghastly beasts, but that doesn't mean they sound the same!!"
-12/8
A: (enormous belch)
B: "You are hidge!!"
A: " I just like that I can do it. If you could do it, you'd like it, too."
-12/8
"Sian, seriously, where are the chairs?!! I'm sittin' on a mop bucket here."
-12/8
"...And there's a tombstone on it that says 'Eddie'...oh wait, that's a chef hat."
-12/9
"Okay...'Just Shoot Me' is not okay to watch in this house."
-12/9
On phone: "Hey, I was just thinking about you yesterday!!...No, seriously, I was gonna text you, 'Where are my goddamn baby pictures?!!'"
-12/10
A: "Parades love Sunday!"
B: "Ye-ah!!...they live for Sunday!"
-12/11
A: "He wanted to know if I wanted a ride."
B: "Yeah, a ride to the alley, so he can fuck you!"
-12/12
Re. a picture of the Lincoln Memorial:
"Abraham Lincoln looks drunk in this picture!"
-12/13
"Uuurghh!!...she is drama. (beat:) Seriously, she needs some hobbies."
-12/15
"He is the opposite of a drum machine. (beat:) He's like the ocean."
-12/16
Re. circus animal cookies:
"What I was gonna say is, 'I know this is silly, but I feel like they baked them just for me.'"
-12/17
"Yes!!!!...hip-hopera, here we come!!"
-12/17
"Uuuurghh!!...I have a splitting headache. And it's not the liquor...it's the fudge."
-12/17
Boss re. her son's recital: "Yeah, third grade. (beat:) And you have never heard 'Hot Cross Buns' like these kids play it. Jazzy. Real jazzy."
-12/19
"Honey, it hurts...and it's hilarious!!"
-12/20
Re. a Barbara Walters special:
"But seriously...why aren't we getting high yet?, 'cause Heaven's about to be on!!"
-12/20
Very seriously, re. Trapped in the Closet:
"Lindsay, this movie made me think a lot!"
-12/20
"The last couple days I feel like I've...contracted scurvy."
-12/20
"I love being so raunchy in dresses...it's so fun!"
-12/21
"Well if we're going to go to all this trouble, I'm going to have to get a caffeine-free Coke at some point."
-12/23
Re. The Four Agreements:
"I printed it out. 'Cause I was like, 'God damn, what are the frickin' Agreements?!!'"
-12/24
"I don't know what happened to her. (beat:) She didn't show up to the reunion, so I'm assuming she's fat."
-12/25
"Well, ye-ah!, 'cause he wanted a lesbian on each arm...sheeit!"
-12/26
"I totally kept that Commandment!! I'm not married, I'm straight...that's good, right?"
-12/27
"We'll get along fine! I like steak...and shopping...and Hitler."
-12/27
Re. Chinese actors playing Japanese characters in Memoirs of a Geisha:
MASAKI: "Japs can't act. It's not their fault."
-12/27
"Look, she's a twenty-seven-year-old fat, lonely dyke who lives in Newport Beach...of course she thinks I'm amazing!!"
-12/27
"So I met this straight guy!...We're gonna go cruisin' for chicks in Burbank."
-12/28
"Yes!! Not all Americans are like the girls in American Pie."
-12/30
-12/3
"Look you guys, I'm darker than these panties and I used to be way whiter!!"
-12/3
"There's half-eaten bread all over the place and fart in the air!"
-12/3
"My back hurts, you guys. (beat:) I feel like I did something I don't know about."
-12/4
"Look, it's not like he's throwing his whole body at you, he's just throwing his crotch at you -- it's not gonna break you!"
-12/4
"Like, earlier...with all the classical music and all the talkin'...I couldn't take it!"
-12/4
A: "This is Nada Surf, right?"
B: "Sweet God! (beat:) It's Death Cab for Cutie."
-12/4
"Wait...get out...we have to go! We're not staying for the wizard fight."
-12/4
A: "You don't think it's going to explode, do you?"
B: "I don't know?...umm...I do know that our electronics have a tendency to get possessed."
-12/6
Disdainfully:
"Is it about anarchy? (beat:) I don't think I can make an anarchy scarf."
-12/8
A: "Lindsay, do you have any idea how many people you would have offended if they heard that?"
B: "I don't care! I have no respect for the Beth Orton worshipers."
-12/8
"Look, you are trying to compare Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli! We know Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli are ghastly beasts, but that doesn't mean they sound the same!!"
-12/8
A: (enormous belch)
B: "You are hidge!!"
A: " I just like that I can do it. If you could do it, you'd like it, too."
-12/8
"Sian, seriously, where are the chairs?!! I'm sittin' on a mop bucket here."
-12/8
"...And there's a tombstone on it that says 'Eddie'...oh wait, that's a chef hat."
-12/9
"Okay...'Just Shoot Me' is not okay to watch in this house."
-12/9
On phone: "Hey, I was just thinking about you yesterday!!...No, seriously, I was gonna text you, 'Where are my goddamn baby pictures?!!'"
-12/10
A: "Parades love Sunday!"
B: "Ye-ah!!...they live for Sunday!"
-12/11
A: "He wanted to know if I wanted a ride."
B: "Yeah, a ride to the alley, so he can fuck you!"
-12/12
Re. a picture of the Lincoln Memorial:
"Abraham Lincoln looks drunk in this picture!"
-12/13
"Uuurghh!!...she is drama. (beat:) Seriously, she needs some hobbies."
-12/15
"He is the opposite of a drum machine. (beat:) He's like the ocean."
-12/16
Re. circus animal cookies:
"What I was gonna say is, 'I know this is silly, but I feel like they baked them just for me.'"
-12/17
"Yes!!!!...hip-hopera, here we come!!"
-12/17
"Uuuurghh!!...I have a splitting headache. And it's not the liquor...it's the fudge."
-12/17
Boss re. her son's recital: "Yeah, third grade. (beat:) And you have never heard 'Hot Cross Buns' like these kids play it. Jazzy. Real jazzy."
-12/19
"Honey, it hurts...and it's hilarious!!"
-12/20
Re. a Barbara Walters special:
"But seriously...why aren't we getting high yet?, 'cause Heaven's about to be on!!"
-12/20
Very seriously, re. Trapped in the Closet:
"Lindsay, this movie made me think a lot!"
-12/20
"The last couple days I feel like I've...contracted scurvy."
-12/20
"I love being so raunchy in dresses...it's so fun!"
-12/21
"Well if we're going to go to all this trouble, I'm going to have to get a caffeine-free Coke at some point."
-12/23
Re. The Four Agreements:
"I printed it out. 'Cause I was like, 'God damn, what are the frickin' Agreements?!!'"
-12/24
"I don't know what happened to her. (beat:) She didn't show up to the reunion, so I'm assuming she's fat."
-12/25
"Well, ye-ah!, 'cause he wanted a lesbian on each arm...sheeit!"
-12/26
"I totally kept that Commandment!! I'm not married, I'm straight...that's good, right?"
-12/27
"We'll get along fine! I like steak...and shopping...and Hitler."
-12/27
Re. Chinese actors playing Japanese characters in Memoirs of a Geisha:
MASAKI: "Japs can't act. It's not their fault."
-12/27
"Look, she's a twenty-seven-year-old fat, lonely dyke who lives in Newport Beach...of course she thinks I'm amazing!!"
-12/27
"So I met this straight guy!...We're gonna go cruisin' for chicks in Burbank."
-12/28
"Yes!! Not all Americans are like the girls in American Pie."
-12/30
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
November 2005
"It's only two minutes...what's that gonna do? (beat:) A red ass is what that's gonna do!!"
-11/3
"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4
A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5
Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5
"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5
A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5
A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5
"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5
"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5
"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5
"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5
A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6
"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6
A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7
"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7
"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7
"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8
"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12
"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12
"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12
"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16
A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16
"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19
"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19
"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28
A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28
"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28
"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28
A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28
Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28
"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28
JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28
"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28
Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28
"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28
"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28
-11/3
"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4
A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5
Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5
"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5
A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5
A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5
"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5
"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5
"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5
"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5
A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6
"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6
A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7
"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7
"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7
"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8
"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12
"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12
"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12
"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16
A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16
"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19
"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19
"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28
A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28
"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28
"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28
A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28
Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28
"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28
JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28
"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28
Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28
"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28
"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28
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