October 2008

"Navy is really dark."
-10/3

"Hello, remember when we tried to walk home from downtown Long Beach? You barfed on the sidewalk all the way home!"
-10/3

"That's like the time I threw up on the Pakistani fraternity!"
-10/3

"Was it racist in the way of, like, Australians?"
-10/3

Re. astrology:
A: "I'm pretty spot-on with my sign."
B: "I am too! I have a foot fetish with my own feet."
-10/3

A: "You are bossy."
B: (gasp:) "I am so bossy!"
-10/3

A: "I threw up in my rubber boat shoe the last time I had seafood."
B: "You have a rubber boat shoe?!"
-10/3

"It's scary as in (drops voice to a whisper:) gangs!"
-10/3

"I don't think I want a Narnia tattoo."
-10/4

"I have an old-timey collection of seashells."
-10/4

Male Boss A: "Do you ever read Jezebel?"
Male Boss B: "Am I a lady?"
-10/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i love greek food, therefore i love tom hanks
they go hand and hand
-10/16

Boss: "Let's bring back McCarthyism."
-10/22

"Nothing says '37-year-old gay man' like the Nissan Altima."
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: we can allow the word douche right
A: in comments
A: can we approve a coment
A: that sasys "Bill's a douche"
B: no douche!
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i was hiking and ran into some cows
i was kind of scared.
they're pretty big you know
and they were staring at me.
-10/24

A: "So excited about the sea dragons!"
B: "I'm so excited about this 22-year-old girl!"
-10/27

"...but I think he had a stroke. And he's young. (beat:) That made me happy. Real happy."
-10/31

"I suppose if anyone could have vegan flesh it would be Jesus."
-10/31

September 2008

"They are a family to whom God gave the wife a cast-iron uterus."
-9/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
I just typed this!!!
"do you think it is insensitive to have an ice cream social on sept. 11th?"
-9/2

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
you know, rescheduling this ice cream social means that the terrorists DID win\
-9/2

"Christmas is comin', and you know what that means! (beat:) Someone's gettin' cable!"
-9/2

"What??! They stole your boat and gave you a noodle?!?!"
-9/2

"I think you're ready for the leaking-fluid photo spot if you need it."
-9/3

"Baby Jesus is against shrimp-flavored crackers."
-9/3

Boss re. online video: "You want to listen to it again so you can hear the 'fuck it'?"
-9/3

"Arhhhhhh!, I missed Bob Dylan last night -- that's why the Lord put me to sleep!"
-9/4

"I don't want to eat pussy -- but I like hangin' out with ya!"
-9/6

"Star Wars boy -- one with the yarmulke? -- he may be coming."
-9/6

"Writing and sex are different!"
-9/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: by garden squirrel you mean the plastic one that was in your room that Django loves?
B: no, the other one, the one that used to hold my keys
-9/11

"Wait, it's a wedding and a basketball game?!"
-9/12

"It modulates the amplitude...right?"
-9/12

"He resembles a lot of mammals."
-9/16

"Oh my God I love those mug shots!"
-9/17

"There's nothing erotic about beer pong."
-9/17

"Sean is like the funnier, meaner, Richard Simmons."
-9/18

Boss: "Should I give this porn star money?"
-9/18

Boss: "Oohh! NFL's hottest Latino cheerleaders!"
-9/18

A: "Do you want to go to the breastmilk restaurant?"
-beat-
B: "Yeah, kinda!"
-9/18

Re. "extreme bocce":
A: "What makes it extreme?"
B: "Cactus."
-9/20

A: "He's probably just praisin' Jesus."
B: "He's about to invade Poland!"
-9/20

"He likes to look at cats he doesn't like!!"
-9/20

"You know, another way I don't want to die is to be mauled to death by a dog."
-9/22

Boss, re. coworker's child: "That was a pretty adorable fella, I gotta say. (beat:) No more abortions."
-9/23

Boss: "I want a midget and a juice machine."
-9/26

"All right -- well, if Kennedy doesn't die, someone's gonna have to answer to me."
-9/26

Boss to employee: "Are you a fan of vampires?"
-9/29

Boss: "When you have kids are you gonna take them to court?"
Employee: "What?!"
Boss: "I mean, church?"
-9/30

August 2008

Boss: "What was the drink I was going to drink?"
Peon: "Hemlock."
-beat-
Boss: "Thank you!"
-8/1

"You're still thinking about it. (beat:) Because I was thinking you had a mild case of Tourette's."
-8/12

"It's like Polarfleece for your lady parts."
-8/14

"They let skinheads in there, of course they're gonna let a penis in!"
-8/14

"You met Mo. She used to put sugar gliders in her boobs."
-8/14

"A giant penis. You know what that is to a baby?! A slide."
-8/14

"That's okay. But it doesn't make it Hawaiian, it makes it pork-lovin'!"
-8/15

"I had an ex-boyfriend who was Hawaiian, and his slang made me want to kill myself."
-8/15

"You know what?! You can't spill a baby, they'll die."
-8/15

"I would love to get your sperm in the mail."
-8/15

"Lindsay, please. (beat:) I always have paper."
-8/15

"A village fucks a baby."
-8/15

"I'm going to the bathroom with Pam because apparently I'm a woman."
-8/15

"I respect art when it goes balls-to-the-wall."
-8/15

"You know I will find a drag queen event to wear that to."
-8/15

"You looked at Disneyland with disdain and I was ready to brawl."
-8/15

"About Disney -- about transgendered people -- about everything."
-8/15

"I felt so much more comfortable with who I am when I found out I shared a birthday with [Ellen DeGeneres] and Eddie Van Halen."
-8/16

"I got written up for having a conversation with a customer about bestiality."
-8/16

"I love Pam. Pam changed me once."
-8/16

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
the puppets were SO scary
i don't care if they were singing about jesus or not!
-8/25

Boss, re. evolution: "Why are there still monkeys?"
-8/25

"Does Jesus mess with me about dating young girls? No. Therefore, he can hurricane whatever he wants."
-8/28

"I'm namin' my first son Dio."
-8/28

"You are so lucky he doesn't have an opposable thumb."
-8/29

"It shows what a fine line it is between finding a drinking buddy and committing manslaughter."
-8/31

July 2008

"Okay...is it racist if it's true?"
-7/7

"Principle, schminciple! We got videos we gotta take, of nerds!"
-7/14

Boss: "All right, let me get you a fat person so you can go home."
-7/18

A: "It looks like Osama bin Laden!"
B: "I know, with an instrument!"
-7/21

June 2008

Boss: "I consider this shirt to be a bad decision."
-6/6

"The Gay at work is now obsessed with Ann Boleyn."
-6/7

"Well, I've learned my lesson. No more lady shoes."
-6/8

"That looks like a dragon fellating itself!"
-6/8

"Don't be scared! It's not my fault you have a toe-thumb."
-6/8

"Man, I want some air conditioning and oysters."
-6/8

"I mean, I have nothing but respect for those people but...eff them!"
-6/12

"For an hour I'm going to do nothing but urinate. And then?...five minutes of blogging."
-6/12

A: "He's Asian."
B: "I know. But he's abnormally Asian."
-6/14

"This girl's sixteen. (beat:) That's the problem with gymnasts."
-6/18

"He's in bed butt naked and the goat is eating his shirt."
-6/19

Boss, suddenly bursting into song: "Puttin' down that do-og, except it's a per-son!"
-6/20

"I love these new bathmats -- they feel so good on my feet. It's like I'm stepping on baby grizzly fur."
-6/20

"Yeah, it's interesting when you can see, like, 500 cocks in one face."
-6/20

"He looked like a kindlier John Malkovich to me."
-6/23

"I'm going to Tom Petty alone and Mini-Me's with a full-sized woman!!"
-6/25

May 2008

"Oh my god. I just threw up in my heart a little."
-5/13

"Ohhhhh, man! Everybody's getting cysts!"
-5/14

Boss: "Ya want some garbage cupcakes?"
-5/14

"Well, tell your dad I agree with him. And I agree with you...your dad's slightly racist."
-5/23

"I just want to watch a double feature of Car Wash and...Beaches!!"
-5/26

Boss, suddenly bursting into song: "Sex blogger from Aus-tra-li-a!!"
-5/27

"Should I just let people pee on my grave at my funeral?"
-5/28

Re. Ashlee Simpson:
"My problem with Pete Wentz marrying her is...do people not have abortions anymore?"
-5/29

A: "Are you going to read the Bible this summer?"
B: "No. But I may read Watership Down."
-5/29