March 2010

Boss: "Does Kirstie Alley have a lemur?!"
-3/2

Boss: "I have no need to see Johnny Depp play another gay man."
-3/5

Boss: "I'm just going to be the next Archie Bunker."
-3/8

Boss: "Yeah, let's not yuck each other's yums."
-3/9

Boss: "If I have a dog with cancer I'm namin' it TypePad."
-3/11

Coworker: "You're more of a tough-love guy."
Boss: "I'm more of a no-love guy."
-3/11

"Weren't your pectoral muscles brought up in conversation once?"
-3/13

Re. Miss Piggy:
"She looks like Sharon Stone in Casino."
-3/13

"You know what it is? I like really gay things, that's why I like Annie."
-3/13

Boss: "Stop pouring bitterness into your eyes and looking at me."
-3/26

Boss: "Oh, I bought my Taylor Swift tickets!"
-3/26

"It's all fun and games until she pukes in your bed."
-3/26

"My diet's been, like, drinkin' and fuckin'."
-3/28

Coworker: "I don't care what the story is! Get a camel in the photo spot now!"
-3/30

Boss: "I think I'm grooming my succulent!"
-3/30

Boss, crisply: "He looks very much like a lawyer. Is that what he is?"
-3/30

Boss: "Last night I forgot to take the 14mg patch off and I had crazy dreams about a post-apocalyptic world."
-3/31

Boss to people gathered in his office for a meeting: "I didn't call this meeting, did I?"
-3/31

"There's clapping. Does that mean there's cake?"
-3/31

Boss: "We had this really great story about that! Oh wait, I read that in another magazine."
-3/31

Boss, re. a restaurant he checked into on Foursquare: "And you know that place ain't known for its good food. (beat:) And I'm the mayor of it."
-3/31

February 2010

Boss: "I was unaware that I am such an ogre."
-2/3

Coworker A: "How often have you seen Apocalypse Now?"
Coworker B: "Uhhh..."
Coworker C: "Every night!"
Coworker A: "I didn't mean 'how often do you live it'."
-2/3

A: "Make some popcorn!"
B: "You make some popcorn!"
A: "I'm pickin' up poop!"
-2/4

"Not less than a week ago we were drinking whiskey by a Dumpster."
-2/5

"Oh, no. (beat:) Wanna see a picture of Kathy Ireland scrapbooking?"
-2/9

"Boy, this is not a good time to be Amish."
-2/10

"No -- he's a very sophisticated dog."
-2/10

"I think the only reason I know about Santa Maria is you and stabbings."
-2/14

"Is she, like...is it a lesbian, or Macaulay Culkin?"
-2/16

Boss: "Oh, man, I have been burping like crazy!"
-2/16

A: "You know...it's the movie that when people talk about it they say, 'That's the female version of Big Trouble in Little China'?"
B: "The Notebook?"
-2/16

Boss: "Do you know how hard it is for me to be sober during work hours?"
-2/17

Boss: "And, because I'm black, I know how to get tickets."
-2/25

Boss: "I swear to God, if I'm being punk'd, and Ashton Kutcher jumps out, I will beat Ashton Kutcher's ass."
-2/26

"I'll take a human baby over a puppy any day."
-2/28

"He's got three legs and he's tryin' to do the Iditarod?! That would suck!"
-2/28

A: "Was there anything she was good at?"
B: "Sucking!"
-2/28

A: "How's the spitting going?"
B: "Oh, it's fine, now I'm just spitting because there's a bag in front of me."
-2/28

January 2010

"Is that Sally Bowles? Or is that Adam Lambert?"
-1/1

"She's fucking gross. (beat:) Like, there are STDs named after her."
-1/3

A: "I stayed up all night having sex with [Name Expunged]."
B: "No wonder you didn't want to go on the Teacups."
-1/3

A: "She loves Jesus."
B: "Ah...more mangers than Jesus."
-1/7

"I want to throw my panties at her just because she doesn't like it."
-1/22

Re. a new hippie acquiantance:
"Within five minutes he was talkin' about Burning Man."
-1/27

December 2009

Sarcastically:
"What happened to your marvelous sandwich-making?"
-12/14

Child at Disneyland, re. Monstro: "Oh my God, it's an infected whale!"
-12/16

"Mmmm, bandwidth. That's what Santa can get me for Christmas."
-12/17

"I wonder if they sell knives on chains. (beat:) That's a good idea."
-12/21

A: "What's your New Year's resolution?"
B: "To act like a slutty tourist?"
-12/23

"I just said today I wanted to punch a kid in the heart."
-12/23

"You know what?, I have examined a lot of vaginas, and I still don't know exactly where the pee hole is."
-12/23

"Eww, this is gross: 'The Family that Plays Together'."
-12/23

"...about as sexy as a punch in the balls. (beat:) Unless you're into that."
-12/23

A: "What is it about your dad that you don't like?"
B: "Um...him."
-12/23

"You know what?, he is dogmatic, he is lazy...and he wears mock turtlenecks."
-12/23

"But you won't let people lust over your body when you go pee."
-12/23

"You should always have lust in your heart."
-12/23

"A) Who the fuck feeds a cat a hard-boiled egg?!"
-12/23

A: "We've moved to the sexy part of the night."
B: "Cats vomiting hard-boiled eggs."
-12/23

A: "What is that?"
B: "It's the fridge."
A: "Oh. (beat:) It sounds like a duck."
-12/23

"I'm not perfect. I own guns and like to do it in the butt."
-12/25

"Lasagna and strippers...it's your perfect day."
-12/28

November 2009

Boss: "Wanna know how many hookers I pass when I run at night?"
-11/9

"His face looks like unbaked dough."
-11/15

"Nothing says 'I love you, Mom' like a bottle of liquor."
-11/19

"I didn't mean to call Adam Lambert gay."
-11/24

"Who's up for some charred human remains?"
-11/25

October 2009

Boss: "I think I'm friends with a high-class hooker."
-10/2

Re. woman holding a baby:
"Whoa, that lady is so tall she could dunk that baby!"
-10/11

(sigh:) "They just high-fived hating plays."
-10/16

"I feel like he has a mental nipple problem."
-10/16

"You guys, I didn't even know Sudoku had numbers for a while."
-10/16

"Jon saw some guy slappin' his penis on the Walk of Fame."
-10/16

"Well, in essence all vaginas are cul-de-sacs...it just depends on how far you go."
-10/16

"Sociopaths are not dancers, crybaby gays are dancers."
-10/16

A: "No. No. Ballerinas are sociopaths."
--beat--
B: "That's true."
-10/16

"It's funny, I've known you ten years but I'm always thrown off by how sedentary you are."
-10/25

Boss: "A zombie event to benefit brain cancer. How awesome is that?!"
-10/28

"There's more to life than objectifying dogs."
-10/29