May 2007

"So I'm realizing that small children are the vessels for my subconscious doubts and fears."
-5/1

Outraged Coworker: "What is bouncing this building?!?"
-5/1

"Come and talk to me, I'm in a bad neighborhood in my head."
-5/4

A: "Did you pee?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "How was it?"
B: "It was disgusting!"
A: "Did you hover?"
B: "Yeah, I hovered like I never hovered before!"
-5/6

A: "There's no way we're getting out of here without seeing the shack with the t-shirts!"
B: "Yeah...hello!"
-5/6

"Split pea soup is their, like, Statue of Liberty."
-5/6

"The only thing keeping you from being a full-on pothead is hand-eye coordination."
-5/6

"Squirt 'n curry...you can drink 'em both."
-5/6

"Lindsay, I have this theory that there are a lot of diabetic Irish people...like, because of all the potatoes."
-5/7

"Potatoes fuck you up!"
-5/7

A: "Well, you do hate gay people."
B: "It's true. I hate drag queens, I hate music..."
-5/7

"Aren't they incredible?! You know...it really does make you want an otter...for a friend."
-5/9

"Poor Paris...I'm starting to feel sorry for her in the way I started to feel sorry for Saddam Hussein."
-5/9

"What you're saying is it's more acceptable to like a calculating monster than a hot retard?"
-5/9

Boss on phone: "Oh my God, Mom, it was crazy! It was like...crazy gay gypsies or something."
-5/10

"I've been to a couple of weddings and a couple of rodeos, and I've never been to a wedding that didn't have cake!"
-5/12

"That has changed my life, that experience. I no longer want anything to do with cold and feet."
-5/13

"Well, I deal with crystaly okay...I have a yoga teacher and a Pilates teacher."
-5/13

"Hey Pam, my dad wants to write 'The Wonder Years' and 'Law & Order'."
-5/13

"Yeah -- that's good. I mean...there's a lot of weird stuff on TV."
-5/13

"I wish I was a lesbian. I'd get so much done! I don't think they sleep."
-5/14

"A lot of people thought Lincoln was a dick. But I love Lincoln!"
-5/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: they were dressed in outfits made of plastic bags.
B: like homeless people?
A: more like...nymphs??
-5/14

"I don't know what to do! It sucks! Because it's kind of itchy and hurty at the same time."
-5/14

"She says she has a tent we can borrow if we want. She says it's cool, nature's all up in her grill all the time...and she likes it."
-5/14

"It's nice though, it's not too out-of-control. I mean, it's not like rainforest-style or anything."
-5/14

"You may have hummed to yourself as a child, but you ain't goin' to no doll store now!"
-5/14

"Oh my God, you would be an awesome librarian!!"
-5/15

"Are you kidding?! That's hideous!! No one should be in a movie with Nicolas Cage!"
-5/15

"First of all, Tenny, I know you're not retarded. You're an excellent baker."
-5/16

"I always thought I'd be excited to see parrots in the wild. Not so much...it was kinda boring."
-5/16

Re. Jaslene being crowned America's Next Top Model:
"I can't...uuuurghh! I kinda want to barf on ANTM right now."
-5/16

"Sexton was pretty scary, but poop couch?!"
-5/16

"Sorry (shrug)...I was just trying to say we suck, that's all."
-5/16

"I'm just realizing right now that I have Rent-a-Baby!!"
-5/16

A: "He has a Hitchcock or Boris Yeltsin face?!"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "And he's an infant?!"
B: "Yeah!...that looks like an old man!"
-5/16

"...so he has a reasonably good chance of growing out of the Boris Yeltsin thing?"
-5/16

"You see 'Boobooski' and you think...oh...oh...is he a Ghostmeister?"
-5/16

"How can you --? You say 'David Spade' and all you can think of is his face and his hair!"
-5/16

"...it's kinda neat though, we have a common bond...gas issues."
-5/16

"It's very unprofessional, I think. Like, if you're an agent...and that's your ringtone...and you're not Latina?"
-5/16

Re. Paul Shaffer:
A: "He's a tool!"
B: "He's such a tool."
A: "He's like...the eraser on a pencil."
-5/17

A: "Grandmas, gardeners, granola eaters and little kids. That's who will be there."
B (excitedly): "That sounds like the most nonthreatening crowd ever!!"
-5/19

"Just look at him...and his cocksucking hair!"
-5/19

Re. actors' short bios in play programs:
"Well, yeah, but these are people who realize that they're not Abraham Lincoln."
-5/19

Re. Bibi the cat:
"No, she's no Flea, she doesn't like car rides. (beat:) I took Lindsay for a ride though."
-5/19

A (incredulously): "He painted a vagina flame?!"
B: "I don't know...maybe he is that gay."
-5/19

A: "He sounds like Kermit!"
B: "I know!"
A: "...Gaaaaaay Kermit."
-5/19

"But it makes me so mad!...Lesbians are gay!"
-5/19

A: "I was sooooo wrong."
B: "What?"
A: "The beer-pong-table-builder guy? Not gay."
-5/19

"What if you become the best harmonica player in the world?...like, better than people in jail?"
-5/20

"I mean, the sky's the limit. If it involves a blowtorch and a baby...we'll figure it out."
-5/20

Re. horseback riding:
"Your ass will hurt, but you'll love it!"
-5/20

A: "Your gut is on fire!...in a good way."
B: "And in a bad way."
A: "Why is that?"
B: "I had pasta."
-5/20

"You can get trout a lot of places. I'm fairly confident I can get ahold of some trout."
-5/20

Re. PBS documentary about show cats:
"I was like, Bitch!...like I'd scream across the house for anything less than Standards of Perfection."
-5/20

"Well...I think evil outweighs astrology."
-5/22

"It's cool...my metal is, like, bouncy."
-5/22

"Well, it's more like...like a drive-by stick-it-in."
-5/22

A (incredulously): "Is he gay?!"
B: "...and is that Tara Reid?"
-5/22

Coworker A: "He told me they did it! But they didn't!"
Coworker B: "He told you they did it but they didn't?! Are they high?"
-5/23

"I think you just do that when you're older -- like, you start to like smooth jazz."
-5/23

A: "That's something I don't know how to do."
B: "What?"
A: "Not share things."
-beat-
B: "I do!"
-5/23

A: "What's happening for your birthday?"
B: "Thirty-one?! Isn't that when you're supposed to jump off a fuckin' bridge 'cause it's so boring?!"
-5/24

"Jake, is that a sea otter in your bed?"
-5/24

"I've never heard anyone flirt like this...it was like the Discovery Channel."
-5/24

"If you saw me with my hair brushed you'd know what I mean. It's not a good scene. I look like a lawyer or something."
-5/24

"I'm kind of an anarchist, but I still like corn."
-5/25

"My mom...we've always described her as the black Erica Kane."
-5/25

"It is like we're married. We have no physical relationship. You give me crap. And you tried to stab me with a fork."
-5/25

Boss Lady (re. preparing food for a potluck): "I need a wife! Pam's been telling us that for years!"
-5/25

"Do you know anyone who has a dolly?...I mean, do you know if Pam and Sarah have a dolly?"
-5/26

"Yup!...Fourteen grams of coke was in my vagina."
-5/26

"Really?! Do I look like a major wiener, like I'm driving a Geo Metro? Do they just not see me?...I don't understand what's happening!"
-5/26

"I couldn't find anything! I'm really disappointed in my Googling skills."
-5/26

A: "I hate carryin' shit so bad!"
B: "I do too. 'Cause gravity's always fuckin' with you."
-5/26

A: "But it's NASCAR and chickens!"
B: (tsssk) Lindsay, when have you ever liked NASCAR and chickens?!"
-5/26

"Like, even before I do it, I hate myself...you know what I mean?"
-5/26

"...and I love cats and I hate men...God I'm so typical!"
-5/26

"Sorry, Lindsay, I'm not trying to rain on your Cyndi Lauper parade...I'm just trying to understand it."
-5/26

"I love funky ethnic sounds!...it must be a gay thing."
-5/29

Re. Teri Hatcher:
"She is so gross!...I bet her vagina smells really bad."
-5/29

A: "What are you doing tonight?"
B (holding up bowl of ice cream): "This is it!"
-5/30

A: "You feel like a stockbroker when you're alone?"
B: "No -- I feel like the stock has crashed when I'm alone."
-5/30

"...I saw ice cream in his hand and I was like, 'Oh shit, now what am I gonna do?!'"
-5/31

"She's gonna want a new iPod that doesn't have mouse urine on it."
-5/31

A: "What system?"
B: "The System, Lindsay...just try to lower yourself to a hippie mindset for just a minute."
-5/31

March 2006

A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-3/1

"It's time. It's time. I'm 24, it's time to wear some shorts."
-3/1

Re. Flea the cat:
"Doesn't he look like a human inside of his face sometimes?"
-3/1

A: "How was your day, lady?"
B: "It was fine. I got assloads of little coffee cakes, though."
-3/3

"A smile and a good attitude is all you're bringin'...I have sunscreen."
-3/4

"It looks like ringworm, but I think it's just...that he attacked his nipple."
-3/5

"It's really overdoing it. It's like an SNL skit now."
-3/5

"I can smell the Febreze from here! Jesus...it's like living with David again."
-3/6

After finishing phone call with customer:
"Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!"
-3/6

"I think I need to experiment with different types of necklines."
-3/7

"Well, the point is...they wear unitards and helmets and do karate moves."
-3/7

A: "He wouldn't call you retarded."
B: "He might, Lindsay, he might. He's an awful man. (reflective pause:) No. Not really...just Asian."
-3/7

"They're such a great couple! Talk about nonmonogamy."
-3/9

"Oh my God I want this t-shirt so bad! Look at it...a hot dog high-fiving mustard!"
-3/9

"If this is hell it's pretty sweet!"
-3/10

"Educational building toy my foot! You just want to make a pirate castle."
-3/10

"No toys? That's really sad...what about Lego?"
-3/10

In a singsong voice, while looking out the window:
"Who wants to see a rainbow?...Pam?"
-3/10

"Nothing is sacred. Not Jesus, not babies, nothing."
-3/10

A: "If I had a ping-pong table would you play with me?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Do you think we'd get really good?"
B: "Yeah, we'd be like Asians!"
-3/10

"Well, the Chinese are amazing at everything...they're like Nazis!"
-3/10

A: "Sarah'd be happy. You would be happy. And Jon would be happy."
B: "It's true. We'd be like polygamists without the sex."
-3/10

A: "He's like the Gallagher boy."
B: "Liam?"
A: "I don't know. Either one that sucks."
-3/11

"Well, he did like the Cake-a-Walk, but he wouldn't like Lady of the Lake because he has prejudice in his heart."
-3/12

"I'm so relieved. I took my car to Jiffy Lube this morning. It needed coolant. It needed to chill."
-3/13

Lunatic coworker: "If Kathy has a BlackBerry, then that means I should have a BlackBerry."
-3/13

A: "I don't sleep soundly at all."
B: "Oh, man...you should join the Army."
-3/13

"Our first order of business is to write a lesbo movie that doesn't suck."
-3/14

"Are you mocking me with your nostrils?"
-3/16

"It's too hot. When it burns your diaphragm, it's too hot."
-3/18

Re. a suspected lesbian:
"She had volleyball written all over her."
-3/18

Re. Stevie Wonder presenting an award to R. Kelly:
"It's like, 'Stevie Wonder! Of course you're presenting him with an award, you've never seen him!"
-3/19

"I was like, 'What-eva!', and I pooped! I can do what I want!"
-3/20

A: "What was the Word of the Day yesterday?"
B (pause): "You mean from Dictionary.com?"
A: "Yeah."
B: "Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails."
A: "Oh, I don't either. I just wanted to know what it was."
-3/21

"She looks like she's drunk or on drugs or something. Maybe it's the weight of her bangs holding down her eyelid."
-3/21

"...and he's wearing white shoes, where is he, Florida?!"
-3/21

A: "She may have become a nun."
B: "Seriously?"
A: "That's what I've heard."
-beat-
B: "That would explain why she's not on MySpace."
-3/23

A hands B a paper clip bent into the shape of a heart.
B: "Thank you! I will treasure it."
A: "No -- use it as a weapon."
B: "I will treasure it and use it as a weapon."
-3/24

"I know Lindsay is all about the trivia...but I don't think we'll ever get her inside a Hooters!"
-3/24

A: "Like I don't want to be there?! To see my mom get married?! She birthed me!...you know."
B: "I know."
-3/25

"I've been having a really hard time telling middle-aged white men apart lately?"
-3/25

"...Also, another gay thing about the terrier? The terrier has Seasonal Affective Disorder."
-3/25

"Wait, we talk about Teri Hatcher, we just don't talk about how her eyelids look like labia."
-3/25

"...so it was fun, I had some wine and a Percoset...and watched The Goonies."
-3/26

"My grandmother used to say, 'Eat through the pain,' but she was a very large woman."
-3/27

"You know what? Sometimes, I would kill for chopped liver."
-3/27

"...So I'm broke, but I have a dog with short toenails!"
-3/27

"I'm happy to announce that we have an assortment of muffins here."
-3/28

Disgustedly, while looking at an accounting report:
"Is that still that Mendelsohn/Zien shit penny sittin' in there?!"
-3/28

A: "Do you crave fatty foods at that time of the month?"
B: "I pretty much crave food all the time."
A: "Really? That's cool."
-3/28

“It’s weird having a wife! I wanted to stay up and go on the internet, but I had to go to bed.”
-3/28

Re. Belle & Sebastian:
"The songs would be so much better if they were sung by someone who had some balls...or a lady."
-3/28

"Sometimes you do bad things and you feel good about it."
-3/31