December 2008

"You don't sneak up on a woman when she's wearing a pad."
-12/2

"I will definitely mistake my cell phone vibrating for labor."
-12/4

"Sometimes it takes three times to poop on something before it gets the picture."
-12/6

"Be careful, you're gonna burn your slacks."
-12/6

"I told my friends I was gonna be a gay elf...for Christmas."
-12/6

"At least an anchor's honorable."
-12/6

"You look like you're in Tron right now, by the way."
-12/6

"I'm gonna take the salsa out of my room 'cause it's, like, permeating everything."
-12/6

"It's weird, 'cause my brother is still my brother, but now he has weird underwear and doesn't drink stuff."
-12/6

An instant message chat excerpt:
ain't nothing wrong with a hippogriff
-12/8

"When they heard that bang, they panicked and they ate all their children."
-12/10

"He's gentle. He's like Harry Potter."
-12/13

"It was like Laura Ingalls -- like slutty Laura Ingalls."
-12/14

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: ...wait, is time vegan?
B: time or thyme?
B: oh Tim, no, he just likes candy
-12/16

Coworker: "I just feel like we're really missing an opportunity not to have Big Hat Day here."
-12/18

Coworker A: "It's a big motherfuckin' hat, is what that is!"
Coworker B: "That's no joke."
-12/18

Boss, on phone: "Let me ask Henry 'cause I sit right by him. (swivels in chair and shouts to Henry:) Boob job!!"
-12/18

Boss: "Just focus in on the baby Jesus."
-12/23

A: "Acrobats stress me out. Like, what if you knew one in real life?"
B: "Mmmm...that would be stressful."
-12/23

"Her face looks bottom-heavy. Like if you put her face on a table and tried to push it over it wouldn't tip."
-12/27

"I'm sure he has anecdotes -- he's gay!"
-12/29

Boss shouting across office: "Man covered in feces?! I think we need to put that in More News."
-12/31

"They're all Germans, gay, or gay Germans. (beat:) Or frat boys."
-12/31

"Chinese fighting robes...big whoop. This lady had a teapot on her head."
-12/31

"Peeing in your mouth is way more intimate."
-12/31

"Okay, now the poop is an obese man struggling!"
-12/31

"I got ill thinking about a plant coming out of my bottom."
-12/31

August 2008

Boss: "What was the drink I was going to drink?"
Peon: "Hemlock."
-beat-
Boss: "Thank you!"
-8/1

"You're still thinking about it. (beat:) Because I was thinking you had a mild case of Tourette's."
-8/12

"It's like Polarfleece for your lady parts."
-8/14

"They let skinheads in there, of course they're gonna let a penis in!"
-8/14

"You met Mo. She used to put sugar gliders in her boobs."
-8/14

"A giant penis. You know what that is to a baby?! A slide."
-8/14

"That's okay. But it doesn't make it Hawaiian, it makes it pork-lovin'!"
-8/15

"I had an ex-boyfriend who was Hawaiian, and his slang made me want to kill myself."
-8/15

"You know what?! You can't spill a baby, they'll die."
-8/15

"I would love to get your sperm in the mail."
-8/15

"Lindsay, please. (beat:) I always have paper."
-8/15

"A village fucks a baby."
-8/15

"I'm going to the bathroom with Pam because apparently I'm a woman."
-8/15

"I respect art when it goes balls-to-the-wall."
-8/15

"You know I will find a drag queen event to wear that to."
-8/15

"You looked at Disneyland with disdain and I was ready to brawl."
-8/15

"About Disney -- about transgendered people -- about everything."
-8/15

"I felt so much more comfortable with who I am when I found out I shared a birthday with [Ellen DeGeneres] and Eddie Van Halen."
-8/16

"I got written up for having a conversation with a customer about bestiality."
-8/16

"I love Pam. Pam changed me once."
-8/16

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
the puppets were SO scary
i don't care if they were singing about jesus or not!
-8/25

Boss, re. evolution: "Why are there still monkeys?"
-8/25

"Does Jesus mess with me about dating young girls? No. Therefore, he can hurricane whatever he wants."
-8/28

"I'm namin' my first son Dio."
-8/28

"You are so lucky he doesn't have an opposable thumb."
-8/29

"It shows what a fine line it is between finding a drinking buddy and committing manslaughter."
-8/31

September, 2006

"Jupiter is not aligned with Mars but your vagina is."
-9/1

A: "How's that rollin' up your pants going?"
B: "It's pretty fun, actually!"
-9/1

"You're gonna ask Pam for advice about the belt, or Hitler?"
-9/7

A: "Do you think I'm going to hell for that?"
B: "No!! Hitler's in my Top 8!!"
-9/7

"That's a good attitude, pal...Hey, put that cookie down!!"
-9/8

"Roseanne is Roseanne, but when she had children she was fuckin' Roseanne, you know?"
-9/8

A: "Somethin' about little boys going on adventures."
B: "She does love little boys going on adventures."
-9/8

"My mom had this friend who was just like her-- only older and fatter, but just like her."
-9/8

"Then I thought it was Lindsay, but then I thought, 'No way, there was way too much effort put into this profile.' "
-9/8

"My Fair Lady! It's gay in a homosexual way."
-9/9

A: "What's the redhead's name?"
B: "Annie Potts."
A: "You mean your left boob?"
B: "Yes."
-9/9

"So it started out as a feminist issue and then it became about pigs."
-9/11

While reading a contract:
Boss: "It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple'. It can't be the same thing!"
-9/11

A: "Remember Maureen said bring good-luck charms to work?"
B: "What?"
C: "She said she's gonna bust out some rosary beads and a Mary."
-9/12

"Dare I ask, though? I don't know if I could even handle a big ball of dough right now."
-9/12

"That is a great find, and I would so rock it if it didn't smell like armpit."
-9/16

"Come on! We are so considerate! I'm over this."
-9/16

"Oh, that's what I meant-- a sled dog, not a horse."
-9/16

"Whatever, you guys all said Louis Armstrong just because he's black."
-9/16

A: "You do have toothpicks?"
B: "Of course, I use them to test my cakes!"
-9/20

"I guess so. But there's a part of stampeding that I'm, like, really against."
-9/20

"Domesticated role-playing games?! Lame!"
-9/20

"I have to show you some pictures of my cats. I am that person."
-9/22

"Oh, yeah, I was going to online-order. Because it's so much easier than dealing with a human."
-9/22

"How would you describe flan?...It looks like creme brulee but it tastes like butt."
-9/22

"Shut up! I hate you and I hate the way you move your hands when you talk!"
-9/22

"So then I was thinking, don't boy cats have teats? Or am I just thinking of men?"
-9/24

A: "But Lindsay, you have to ask yourself this: do you really want a bead curtain?"
B: "No."
A: "Exactly."
-9/24

On phone:
"Well, Max is a great guy. Charles is a great guy, too. It's all going to come down to how you feel. (pause:) Yes, it is just like 'Two Princes' by the Spin Doctors."
-9/25

"Yes. The name of the printer is Shalom Printing. (beat:) He's vegan."
-9/26

"Well, you wouldn't be scared if I wasn't here rustling this paper!"
-9/26

"Perhaps not in this situation, but I know I'm correct."
-9/26

"Lindsay, in a few years from now, we'll come back to this conversation-- and you tell me Joe Schmoe Thai Guy isn't crazy."
-9/26

A: "Is that weird?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Why?"
-pause-
B: "You like dog shows!"
-9/26

August 2007

"…and, honestly, I don't give a shit about the word 'ergo'."
-8/1

A: "Neil looks gayer than usual!"
B: "Yeah he does…he looks like Lurch!"
-8/2

"Lately he's been staying upstairs…I don't know why, it's so hot up there. (beat:) I think he's going insane."
-8/2

"That's gonna be my start -- save up, I'm gonna get that bra."
-8/2

A: "Wait, how come he doesn't speak English?"
B: "Because he's foreign."
-8/2

"…one girl was like, 'I'd scrape that shit off and put it on your pillowcase', and I was like, 'I don't want to be your roommate!'"
-8/2

"Maybe he's embarrassed to be a cat, and he wants to be a human, so when no one's around he's all, 'Hey, rub my pecs.'"
-8/2

Triumphantly:
"So maybe that's what he's repressing -- not his emotions but his gayness!!"
-8/2

"…and you're like, 'Oh, that dude just plays the accordion', but really he's fuckin' some guy in the bathroom."
-8/2

A: "What are you talking about?"
B: "Your obtrusive burp…on my coughing escapade."
-8/2

"I'm sure there are some respectable women who are hookers."
-8/2

A: "Did we just get scared by some rustlin'??"
B: "Yeah, and that fuckin' human-dog!"
-8/2

"I think it's a city story. (beat:) Wait, what were we talking about again?"
-8/2

A: "At least she doesn't have a fountain!"
B: "A hippie fountain!"
A: "A hippie fountain with lasers in it!"
-8/2

A: "Is he retarded?"
B: "No."
A: "Is he old?"
B: "No. He's from New York."
-8/2

"I was just trying to inject a little levity…cervix it is!"
-8/2

"How did nature create a bird that looks like that?! That's just off the hook."
-8/3

A: "Are you okay?"
B: "No…I need candy or Tums."
-8/7

Re. comparing cats to countries:
"And Keelo, 'cause he runs away, could be -- what's a pussy nation? France."
-8/8

A: "Is he gonna be gay?"
B: "No, he's an Aries."
-8/12

A: "Bacon has nothing your body can use."
B: "Yeah, I know -- let's just stop talking about it!"
-8/12

"I'm so excited about this, I feel like I'm gonna barf nachos in like thirty minutes."
-8/12

"…It's fucked up. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? It's wrong."
-8/12

A: "What's your beef with Hostel all of a sudden?"
B: "Ehh…I watched it."
-8/13

Awkward intern guy, upon being asked 'How was your weekend?': "My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting…"
-8/14

Re. Mary Murphy of "So You Think You Can Dance":
"Do you think when they were casting this they said, 'Are you as retarded as Paula Abdul?' 'Yes.' 'You're hired'?"
-8/16

A: "She looks like she should be on top of a cake in that outfit."
-beat-
B: "Or poppin' out of one."
-8/16

Re. "Knock On Wood":
"This song reminds me of Judge Judy."
-8/16

"Hold on. Was he the white guy that was all…weird?"
-8/16

Defensively:
"I'm not Boner and Balls!!"
-8/16

A: "You like Boner though?"
B: "Yeah, Boner's strong."
-8/16

"Totally!! There's gay cycling over there!! I'm all about it."
-8/16

"Wait, what were we talking about before I so rudely…tripped?"
-8/16

A: "She took lemons and made lemonade."
B: "It took her two days."
-beat-
A: "She broke her toe."
-8/17

A: "I dick around all the time online."
B: "Right, so wouldn't you like to have something quality to do online?"
-8/17

"Yeah, it was like a python spitting up large eggs -- that's what I pictured."
-8/17

A: "I used to take trampolining classes in high school."
B: "What?!"
-8/17

"I'll be back (points at beer:) -- no roofies."
-8/17

"Yeah, it's like a -- it's like a shiny hot dog."
-8/17

"…like, she's beautiful, like I want to hang her on my wall as a picture…like, her skin…ewww!"
-8/17

"Wow, you wear that like a…badge you shouldn't wear."
-8/17

"Who with eyeballs would be like, 'Yeah, this is for me'?"
-8/17

"No offense, but I hope you die."
-8/17

Re. "Hairspray":
"I think it's better than Chicago because -- aside from the segregation -- it's a really happy movie!"
-8/18

A: "Did you call me, Rob?"
B: "No."
A: "What can I do for you?"
B: "Nothing."
-8/18

"Is that a hookah or a lamp?"
-8/18

"They're lesbians…they're very nice though! (pause:) I shouldn't say 'though'."
-8/18

"There was one guy who looked like Jesus…but like a warrior Gandalf Jesus?"
-8/18

"So imagine a homeless crazy person…as a squirrel."
-8/18

"P.S. Did I tell you I decided I like gumbo?"
-8/18

"When I look back all I remember is him whining…and stepping on my breasts."
-8/19

"He's just tedious…like the Mad Hatter."
-8/19

"Come on! Sex is funny, and combined with my cat it's double funny!"
-8/19

"Well, either way this is great news for Bill Clinton!"
-8/22

A: "Can I tell you a story?"
B: "Please do."
A: "Well, it's not as fun…but it's about my medication?"
-8/22

"There's a tremendous power in not caring, you know?"
-8/23

A: "What's that over there?"
B: "I don't know…I can see some Om symbols and a lot of bling."
-8/23

Boss on phone: "Well…guess who one of them was?! Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was!"
-8/28

"The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!"
-8/28

"(Gasp:) A wizard fight?!?"
-8/29

A: "So her mom and who are going to be over there?"
B: "Her grandma."
A: "Oh my God!!"
-8/31

"He's like a real-life imaginary thing!!"
-8/31

"…'cause he's gonna be a big douche -- sorry, Grandma."
-8/31

GRANDKID: "I'm sorry Grandma, this is all gossip!"
GRANDMA: "That's why I'm listening."
-8/31

"It's not like you're adding razzle-dazzle, you're adding shit to your burrito!"
-8/31

A: "It's, like, the weirdest matchup ever."
B: "I know."
A: "…Except for the hippo and the alligator in Fantasia."
-8/31

November 2006

"If I could get a circus dog with, like, its voicebox removed, that would be perfect."
-11/1

"He's a Pisces, he wouldn't be a Republican!"
-11/1

"I feel like, at this moment, I look like I could be from Brooklyn."
-11/2

"I grew up in an Ace of Base bubble!"
-11/3

Re. sake bomb consumption:
"I did that once, at Jodie Sweetin's birthday!"
-11/3

"I think the lesson of the day is I should drink more sake."
-11/3

Re. Griffith Observatory:
"Man, this place is the ultimate cockblock!"
-11/4

"What are we doing after this, please tell me we're doing something other than waiting an hour for chips."
-11/4

Re. observatory:
"Ooohh, I hope they have something about Jupiter!"
-11/4

"I can't even go on the Teacups, let alone space!"
-11/4

"It's kinda like, black-people-love-song, but I can still dig it."
-11/5

"Wait -- wait -- I'm serious, we have the best ghost."
-11/7

"...and you're not even sure what is vile about it...maybe it's that wrinkle."
-11/10

A: "Scary and gross is never a good combo."
B: "And it's only the eye of Jupiter!"
-11/10

A: "I don't have godparents, do you?"
B: "No. I don't think so. (beat:) If I do, it's probably some wack-ass hippie out in the middle of nowhere."
-11/11

"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you don't want to shit right!"
-11/13

"That's really the only time I have a hearty laugh...when it's a poop or fart joke. (laughs:) It fills me with delight!"
-11/14

A: "My musical tastes have changed so much."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah. Now it's like, give me a bluegrassy song...or a show tune."
-11/15

A: "Oh my God, what happened to your shoulder?!"
B: "Chocolate."
-11/17

Re. the Lava Lounge:
A: "Have you been here before?"
B: "No, I've been to Hawaii though."
-11/18

"...and I'm really tired, because Pierre woke us up at six to, like, dry heave."
-11/18

"Dude, this place is so much fun. It's like a...cesspool."
-11/18

Anonymous moviegoer: "Steve Harvey is really a bitter, angry man, but he's nice to me because, you know, I produce him."
-11/19

"I love being a nerd. I kind of wish I was more of a nerd. (beat, then wistfully:) I can't wait 'til I'm more of a nerd."
-11/20

"Every damn castle we went to, there that damn Japanese minivan was."
-11/20

Dejectedly:
"Never mind. I thought we had Tetris boobs."
-11/22

"Seriously, seriously...that warthog rules."
-11/22

"I do like Macs, I do like Lord of the Rings, I do like nerds...I just kinda felt like there was too much going on all at once."
-11/22

A: "Did you find a spot?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "That took a long time."
B: "Well, I was in Silverlake."
-11/22

A: "I don't know if that's much of an improvement."
B: "Well, you'd have to hear it echoing off the walls of a canyon in the desert..."
-11/22

A: "We're not all that picky."
B: "You are hippies."
-11/22

"Whoa, whoa! You just related it to a coming-of-age vision quest?!?"
-11/22

"No, it's okay. You know I'm gonna have to get all righteously nerdy on you and stuff."
-11/27