February 2010

Boss: "I was unaware that I am such an ogre."
-2/3

Coworker A: "How often have you seen Apocalypse Now?"
Coworker B: "Uhhh..."
Coworker C: "Every night!"
Coworker A: "I didn't mean 'how often do you live it'."
-2/3

A: "Make some popcorn!"
B: "You make some popcorn!"
A: "I'm pickin' up poop!"
-2/4

"Not less than a week ago we were drinking whiskey by a Dumpster."
-2/5

"Oh, no. (beat:) Wanna see a picture of Kathy Ireland scrapbooking?"
-2/9

"Boy, this is not a good time to be Amish."
-2/10

"No -- he's a very sophisticated dog."
-2/10

"I think the only reason I know about Santa Maria is you and stabbings."
-2/14

"Is she, like...is it a lesbian, or Macaulay Culkin?"
-2/16

Boss: "Oh, man, I have been burping like crazy!"
-2/16

A: "You know...it's the movie that when people talk about it they say, 'That's the female version of Big Trouble in Little China'?"
B: "The Notebook?"
-2/16

Boss: "Do you know how hard it is for me to be sober during work hours?"
-2/17

Boss: "And, because I'm black, I know how to get tickets."
-2/25

Boss: "I swear to God, if I'm being punk'd, and Ashton Kutcher jumps out, I will beat Ashton Kutcher's ass."
-2/26

"I'll take a human baby over a puppy any day."
-2/28

"He's got three legs and he's tryin' to do the Iditarod?! That would suck!"
-2/28

A: "Was there anything she was good at?"
B: "Sucking!"
-2/28

A: "How's the spitting going?"
B: "Oh, it's fine, now I'm just spitting because there's a bag in front of me."
-2/28

August, 2006

"Okay, we need to, like, see Dave Navarro so I can confirm that I hate him."
-8/2

"I'm sorry you love him, Lindsay...I mean, that I don't like him."
-8/2

"Oh, I can't do it Wednesday. (dejectedly:) I have to go to the Improv."
-8/7

Re. Luna bars:
"I think they're too dry. (beat:) And then when I'm eating it I'm like, 'I wish this was real food.' " -8/7

"Well, I met one of his friends yesterday; A) his name was Cisco, and B) he was a doofus."
-8/10

"Well, I have two nickels and a penny, but I'm sure I'm gonna burp again."
-8/11

"Well, I'm doing a whole timeline. (disdainfully:) But I'm skipping the part with the actress woman, 'cause she was a wreck."
-8/14

"I've got goosebumps...and a hangover! Life is good!"
-8/18

On phone:
"I look forward to seeing you! I'll come home and wash the sheets."
-8/18

A: "...Dyke, right?"
B: "Mmm, I don't think so. I think she's just fat."
-8/22

"He's like Nic Harcourt, but for the whole world!"
-8/31