November 2007

"I feel like I'm in a competition with you...I don't feel like I'm in a competition with Lexie because she's clearly a robot."
-11/5

"I feel like Luka does need rescuing from these pincher-poker people."
-11/5

Re. aggressive anal sex:
"I feel like it would only be polite to offer crack at that point."
-11/5

"...so I think I understand where he was coming from...but he totally ruined that squirrel's life."
-11/5

"He has become the old lady he once mocked."
-11/5

"...No, you would be violating your own civil rights."
-11/5

"I feel like that was a creepy laugh...but there's a hamburger on this cat."
-11/10

"Leaving there I felt like I had just had sex...but without the guilt."
-11/11

"I've got this Chinese box that smells like old people."
-11/11

"Dude, if you're magnetizing the Jamaicans, you know that shit's cute!"
-11/12

A: "Do you remember owning a spur?"
B: "Not since high school."
-11/17

"The world is safe for democracy again...and dogs in cars!"
-11/19

"I didn't say she was gripping it in her vagina walls! (laughter:) Sorry I spit chip on you."
-11/20

"Seems like someone's always talkin' about Rilo Kiley and someone's always defensive."
-11/22

A: "How do you Photoshop coke?!"
-beat-
B: "You can Photoshop coke!"
-11/22

A: "Who brought the Foreman Grill?!"
B: "It's Jim's."
A: "Okay. (beat:) I'm a terrible person."
-11/22

"I'm an anxious yuppie, I realized...I'm still surprised I'm not a Jew."
-11/22

"It's not boring, it's different...you know how I like to make fun of things that are different."
-11/22

"I feel like I need a wheelbarrow for my stomach."
-11/22

"Nobody wants a penis with stuffing in it."
-11/22

"What is the War of 1812?...something I should know?"
-11/22

"Well, you don't get him to love you by walking like Frankenstein!"
-11/22

"I'm just stating the facts. I'm not making a sexist remark...you're the one who was saying you're jealous of a dog lickin' his balls."
-11/22

A: "Is he gay?"
B: "British."
-11/22

"Sorry, you guys, I totally failed. (beat:) I couldn't find my cowbell or my kazoo."
-11/23

"You're like a rowboat made of steel."
-11/24

"All right, I'll meet the goddamn baby!!"
-11/30

"Babymamma drama for real!...but without the baby."
-11/30

June 2006

A: "Why didn't you come to my birthday party?"
B: "I was sick."
A: "Oh. Thank God you didn't come to my birthday party!"
-6/2

"Yeah. You couldn't hear the cowbell on some parts, like when I'm playing the cowbell?, and I was like, 'Um, that's kind of important!' "
-6/4

"I think if I had that equipment, I would make totally different music with it. Like, it would still be cool, but it wouldn't be gay."
-6/4

"It's like, tennis for nerds or something!"
-6/4

"The only person I know in Inherit the Wind is...Darwin."
-6/6

Exasperatedly:
"It has to lay flat, like a halo! It can't hang like a garter belt from a rearview mirror!"
-6/7

"It took them five years to plan a cruise that goes one way?!?"
-6/9

"Well, I love that in your mocking stupor you almost fell off the couch!"
-6/12

"Well, you know how she does it, all sensual, and I was like, 'This is my kitty, stop being sensual!' "
-6/12

Re. "poodle-type thing":
"Well, yes, it's a living thing, it has the potential to be sweet -- but don't tell me it was attractive."
-6/15

"...and we gotta take her ass to get spayed eventually!"
-6/15

"The ranch is very weird today. Not weird bad, but weird tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. (later:) Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as...gone bad."
-6/16

A: "Is that Elmer Fudd?"
-beat-
B: "...Tom Waits."
-6/19

Re. "Shinto" as the correct answer to a Jeopardy question:
"Of course he's gonna get it, he's Asian!"
-6/19

Straight lady: "Do you want to be a Disney character?"
Lesbian: "I did when I was younger."
Straight lady: "Did you want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid?"
Lesbian: "No...I wanted to be Aladdin."
-6/20

"Whoa, whoa! He is in blackface because black people are better athletes!"
-6/20

"'Bye!...I have to pee, so I'm saying goodbye now."
-6/20

"Who names their daughter Sioux?! Like the Indian. (beat:) Like, casino Indian."
-6/20

A: “She looks like Eleanor Frutt.”
B: “Who?”
A: “Camryn Manheim. (beat:) I’m not calling her fat. I’m calling her ugly.”
-6/20

"I hate...what is that show called? It's called...basketball."
-6/20

"So he's in Seattle now? With his people?...I mean, flannel shirt-wearing lesbians?"
-6/22

"Edgar. Let's get real here. Enough about bird diapers."
-6/23

"I'm surprised I wasn't fat as a child. But I was very active...running away from bullies."
-6/24

"So?! I can be prejudiced about one VHS and not another!"
-6/24

"Yeah, it was scary. So don't go into our downstairs bathroom by yourself...take a cat with you." -6/24

"Good night, you guys! Thanks for coming over...to Pam's place."
-6/24

"No, no. It wasn't like, 'R. Kelly keeps it so real, I can relate!' "
-6/24

"Well, she's way better, but she's crappier so I like her more."
-6/24

A: "Really?, they have a radio station at Chapman? When did that happen?"
B: "Forty years ago."
-6/24

"So I think Mom's getting you a knife and me some Trix."
-6/25

"I thought you wanted me to pumice your foot and I was like, 'All right, pumice foot.' "
-6/29

A: "Do you wanna watch Nacho Libre?"
B: "Nacho Libre? What's that? Cheese book?"
-6/29