December 2008

"You don't sneak up on a woman when she's wearing a pad."
-12/2

"I will definitely mistake my cell phone vibrating for labor."
-12/4

"Sometimes it takes three times to poop on something before it gets the picture."
-12/6

"Be careful, you're gonna burn your slacks."
-12/6

"I told my friends I was gonna be a gay elf...for Christmas."
-12/6

"At least an anchor's honorable."
-12/6

"You look like you're in Tron right now, by the way."
-12/6

"I'm gonna take the salsa out of my room 'cause it's, like, permeating everything."
-12/6

"It's weird, 'cause my brother is still my brother, but now he has weird underwear and doesn't drink stuff."
-12/6

An instant message chat excerpt:
ain't nothing wrong with a hippogriff
-12/8

"When they heard that bang, they panicked and they ate all their children."
-12/10

"He's gentle. He's like Harry Potter."
-12/13

"It was like Laura Ingalls -- like slutty Laura Ingalls."
-12/14

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: ...wait, is time vegan?
B: time or thyme?
B: oh Tim, no, he just likes candy
-12/16

Coworker: "I just feel like we're really missing an opportunity not to have Big Hat Day here."
-12/18

Coworker A: "It's a big motherfuckin' hat, is what that is!"
Coworker B: "That's no joke."
-12/18

Boss, on phone: "Let me ask Henry 'cause I sit right by him. (swivels in chair and shouts to Henry:) Boob job!!"
-12/18

Boss: "Just focus in on the baby Jesus."
-12/23

A: "Acrobats stress me out. Like, what if you knew one in real life?"
B: "Mmmm...that would be stressful."
-12/23

"Her face looks bottom-heavy. Like if you put her face on a table and tried to push it over it wouldn't tip."
-12/27

"I'm sure he has anecdotes -- he's gay!"
-12/29

Boss shouting across office: "Man covered in feces?! I think we need to put that in More News."
-12/31

"They're all Germans, gay, or gay Germans. (beat:) Or frat boys."
-12/31

"Chinese fighting robes...big whoop. This lady had a teapot on her head."
-12/31

"Peeing in your mouth is way more intimate."
-12/31

"Okay, now the poop is an obese man struggling!"
-12/31

"I got ill thinking about a plant coming out of my bottom."
-12/31

July 2006

"Do you need anything from my Apt.? No. The answer is no, unless what you need is soymilk...or a hamster."
-7/2

A: "What's that? Bibi slash?"
B: "No, get-well-soon pen."
-7/3

"Jenean, you work in Brentwood, can you explain the appeal of clogs?"
-7/3

"Thank you Jesus for not fucking me over."
-7/3

"Just use a goddamn O.B. -- I'll put it in for you."
-7/8

A: "Did you Google 'defiant kitten'?"
B: "Yes. And we found CKS -- Crazy Kitten Syndrome."
-7/15

Jenean: "I hate roommates! I'm glad I have Lindsay."
-7/15

"Man, these guys are fast! It's like having a conversation with an old person!"
-7/15

"Yeah. Well, I've already seen Eddie Izzard. Not that I wouldn't watch it again, but I'd be more excited to watch Hitler."
-7/16

"She's cute. I wish she was a puppy sometimes so we could get her clothes."
-7/18