December 2009

Sarcastically:
"What happened to your marvelous sandwich-making?"
-12/14

Child at Disneyland, re. Monstro: "Oh my God, it's an infected whale!"
-12/16

"Mmmm, bandwidth. That's what Santa can get me for Christmas."
-12/17

"I wonder if they sell knives on chains. (beat:) That's a good idea."
-12/21

A: "What's your New Year's resolution?"
B: "To act like a slutty tourist?"
-12/23

"I just said today I wanted to punch a kid in the heart."
-12/23

"You know what?, I have examined a lot of vaginas, and I still don't know exactly where the pee hole is."
-12/23

"Eww, this is gross: 'The Family that Plays Together'."
-12/23

"...about as sexy as a punch in the balls. (beat:) Unless you're into that."
-12/23

A: "What is it about your dad that you don't like?"
B: "Um...him."
-12/23

"You know what?, he is dogmatic, he is lazy...and he wears mock turtlenecks."
-12/23

"But you won't let people lust over your body when you go pee."
-12/23

"You should always have lust in your heart."
-12/23

"A) Who the fuck feeds a cat a hard-boiled egg?!"
-12/23

A: "We've moved to the sexy part of the night."
B: "Cats vomiting hard-boiled eggs."
-12/23

A: "What is that?"
B: "It's the fridge."
A: "Oh. (beat:) It sounds like a duck."
-12/23

"I'm not perfect. I own guns and like to do it in the butt."
-12/25

"Lasagna and strippers...it's your perfect day."
-12/28

April 2008

Boss, about a customer's outrage at an email: "I think it was the 'Best Regards' that sent him over the edge."
-4/1

"I think he is good. His mother stole my jacket, however."
-4/7

"This girl has had this cat for years. And this is the first time she's ever given it a bath?!"
-4/7

"Oh man, I've never seen somebody who loved sacrificing animals more than the Lord."
-4/9

Boss: "It is my job to redefine 'shitload'."
-4/9

"I like it, it looks like a retarded little robot over there?"
-4/10

"Okay, she didn't have a sex change operation. She had Lasik. (beat:) Same dif!"
-4/14

"This is workaholism. This is bordering on Japanese...type-behavior."
-4/14

"That's what I'm saying! He's had his beer, he's had his Vegas, he's a Muslim, and I'm going to hell."
-4/15

A: "She doesn't look like your type."
B: "Whaddya mean?!"
A: "She's a grownup!"
-4/17

"Turns out, it's not okay to pee on people at a party."
-4/17

Re. the political strategist:
"I love Carville. I took a leak with him at a wedding."
-4/18

"No matter how hard you try to organize things...the mice and the men bite you in the ass."
-4/21

Singing:
"Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing, Jesus loves me, la la la!"
-4/22

"I love you for your mind, stripper-girl."
-4/23

A: "How did this happen?!"
B: "I don't know, Asians love a good deal!"
-4/26

"That was probably the low point of my life...my hand in that cat box."
-4/26

"So far I'm thinking python, dolphin, priest...not necessarily in that order, but..."
-4/28

A: "Who finds a giant inflatable pig and throws it away?!"
B: "Old people."
-4/29

A: "I've never loved a girl more than I love this stripper."
B: "Really?!"
A: "No."
-4/30