September 2005

"It is kind of small, it is old-school, but I'm not sure I'd call it 'hobbity'."
-9/3

A: "I want to know what happened to Stina so bad!"
-beat-
B: "I'm gonna say middle management."
-9/3

"I'm getting a vintage Burberry trenchcoat for $22, thanks to Tina Turner who taught me how to chant."
-9/3

"I'm not hearing a word, I'm...rummaging around in cheese."
-9/6

"Okay, I just found someone really good-looking on the Discovery Channel...he's a crab fisherman!"
-9/6

"I'm actually busy today, which is rare and kind of stupid...but I have to make a Cobb salad...and go see a movie...and there's talk of a cakewalk?"
-9/10

Re. cakewalks:
"I was surprised to learn that the prize is actually cake, though...you know what I mean?"
-9/10

A: "So you hate Harold & Maude but you love Cat Stevens?"
B: "Yes."
-9/10

"The only bar in Ephrata is exactly like the only bar in Ephrata would be...and it's lit like Wal-Mart?"
-9/10

"I tried to pace his mom once when we were watching Finding Nemo, but I ended up getting tossed and going to bed."
-9/10

Re. a love interest of questionable sexuality:
"Good luck with that shady Kinsey girl."
-9/13

"We're not going to be doing anything that involves money, are we?, because I have, like, four dollars, and I kind of want some Kool-Aid."
-9/14

"It contains the best dance ever...after he smokes crack with some hookers. (defensively:) He's a bad lieutenant. Imagine the worst lieutenant ever, and that's Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant."
-9/14

A: "...He kept saying things that were gay-gay-gay-gay-gay-gay-gay--"
B: "Like what?"
A: "Like that he likes dressing like a Hardy Boy?"
-9/14

A: "What is gayer than an interpretive dance about the life and times of Selena?!"
B: "What is gayer is that there was a sequence in the interpretive dance wherein Selena discovers that she has hips."
-9/14

A: "I think I'm mad at Karl Lagerfeld right now."
B: "Because he designs with fur?"
A: "No...I'm not against animal cruelty?"
-9/14

"Do you know what Karl Lagerfeld most dislikes? Monday mornings. (beat:) What is he, Dilbert?"
-9/14

A: "Was that you making that rustling noise?"
B (making rustling noise): "Like this?"
A: "Yes."
B: "Yes. I was tap-dancing with my feet...I mean fingers."
-9/14

Re. Fire Island:
"Ooohhh...it's like the gay Shangri-La?"
-9/14

Re. vegan jerky:
"It's like I'm chewing on an old, dried-up sponge...that's beef-flavored."
-9/17

"The picture is, like, to die for, it's like strawberry shortcake...in heaven."
-9/18

After a picture is taken:
"Wait, am I in that?, because you didn't give me time to craft my facial expression."
-9/18

A: "I'm just sayin', they signed the mailing list, we should give 'em something."
B: "They got a pin...and rocked by us!"
-9/18

"What is this magical dispenser??"
-9/20

"Look, I know I have a butt chin, but I do not have Sara Gilbert's face!!"
-9/21

"I have a letter opener, you know...it's a cute little dagger."
-9/21

"Look, you can suck my dick!, at least I'm not workin' at the call center for the gas company!"
-9/21

"Where is this alleged Raisin Bran, dude?"
-9/21

"Why have a dead flower when you can have a live succulent?"
-9/24

"You guys, it's label-on-postcard time!!"
-9/25

"Dude, I was crocheting at dinner, and it was so gratifying!"
-9/25

"Damn!, my armpits stink, but I love it!"
-9/25

"Wow, I think I'm venturing into a world I never dared."
-9/25

"Oh my God, I have been high on more Christmases than is even funny."
-9/26

A: "I just wanted to say 'patronize'."
B: "And 'chipotle'!"
-9/26