July 2007

A: "It makes me want to vomit when I smell vomit."
B: "That's why you don't smell carpet!"
-7/1

A: "God!!"
B: "What?"
A: "There's nothing worse than back fat!"
-7/4

A: "What is this?"
B: "Belts…gay-ass belts."
-7/5

"Would it be gay if I was desiring to listen to some Neil Diamond?"
-7/8

"Watch out. That's a big vacuum."
-7/8

"It kinda sounds like a place I want to go -- I picture hot dogs riding horses."
-7/8

Boss: "People don't come to us for fitness! They don't want to know about our fitness."
-7/9

"My job was, keep pushing the big sea lions back in the pool."
-7/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
"if I came home to this I would have had me a new pet squirrel!"
-7/10

Straight dude: "He looks just like Lance Armstrong…I thought if I told him that it'd sound like I had a crush on him."
-7/10

"Nine days until you're British!…I need to get some paper."
-7/11

"Wow, wouldn't it be funny if Phyllis Diller died today as well?"
-7/11

"Mmmm hmmm, so I'll let you know when I hear about the haunting."
-7/11

(Gasp:) "I've heard of that gay!!"
-7/11

"Isn't that mean?! She's like a cockfight trainer!"
-7/11

A: "Why is this taking so long?!"
B: "Uhhh…physics?"
-7/11

A: "Are your brother and sister straight?"
B: "Yeah. (beat:) But they're both awesome."
-7/11

A: "I feel like I speak for humanity."
B: "And dogs."
-7/11

"You're like, 'Fuck you, it's not your birthday yet, ya perv!'"
-7/11

A: "I'm gonna find my favorite R.E.M. song!"
B: "You like R.E.M.?"
A: "No."
-7/13

"I love camp cooking! It's so…whatchamacallit…indigenous?"
-7/14

"I could have put together a better Bastille Day with two hours and a trip to Trader Joe's!"
-7/15

Re. World Music show:
A: "So we went to the Hollywood Bowl yesterday."
B: "You did? How was that?"
A: "It was very Mexican!"
-7/16

"I love the seal. I just want to snuggle up with him on a rock."
-7/16

"Oh, did I tell you I'm going to become British on Thursday?"
-7/17

A: "They're like…they're like…dammit, what are those things called?!"
B: "Pigeons?"
A (meekly): "Yes."
-7/18

"He looks like David Lee Roth and Colonel Sanders merged -- on acid -- and performed a wedding!"
-7/18

"You don't have any shorts?!…Lindsay, that is a crime against nature!"
-7/19

"There's all kindsa wildlife…might even see a llama!"
-7/20

"It's so not a good idea to mix alcohol and those giant birds."
-7/20

"I shouldn't have had all that scotch yesterday…I'm feeling a little funky today. Damn cat and damn Jeopardy!"
-7/21

"I'll tell you what. You can throw her a baby shower when she brings the DVD back."
-7/21

A: "There's nothing wrong with this."
B: "Don, this is old people music!!"
-7/21

"I think we all need mood stabilizers. (beat:) I like your shoes."
-7/24

"You know what I have noticed about Vicki…she likes to use logos."
-7/25

Re. George Foreman:
"Oh no!!…he's still alive?"
-7/25

A: "I can't handle this kind of dancing."
B: "I know, me too."
A: "Doesn't it just seem like spoken word…in movement?"
-7/26

"Eeeeww! White men past their prime should not be singing funk music."
-7/26

A: "I kinda think the Ronstadt was hot."
B: "I kinda think Kenny Loggins was hot when he was on coke."
-7/26

"I don't understand how Meat Loaf's a real thing. He's like a projection of a Neanderthal onto the future."
-7/26

A: "Fraggle Rock?"
B: "Film noir."
-7/28

"You gotta give 'em the B of the D. When someone sends you a picture like that, you gotta give 'em the B of the D. Unless they've got a creepy moustache or something."
-7/28

A: "Yeah, you kinda look like a drug addict with that flag draped over you."
B: "Yeah, and my Josie & the Pussycats poster?"
-7/28

A: "Cat litter and postcards?"
B: "Pretty much."
A: "Sweet!"
B: "Yep -- speaks pretty loudly of my life."
-7/29

"You can go to my grandparents' ranch and ride any bull you want."
-7/29

"Oh no, Ranger. Ranger was the best, 'cause he was a thug Aunt Jemima."
-7/29

"We've already heard ribald tales of cheese on women."
-7/29

Pam: "I'm gonna hunt British Pam down and kill her."
-7/29

"This sounds like it's off the Ghostbusters soundtrack…and I mean that lovingly."
-7/29

"I was like, 'Maybe it doesn't look dainty, maybe I just look like a brute!'"
-7/31

March 2006

A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-3/1

"It's time. It's time. I'm 24, it's time to wear some shorts."
-3/1

Re. Flea the cat:
"Doesn't he look like a human inside of his face sometimes?"
-3/1

A: "How was your day, lady?"
B: "It was fine. I got assloads of little coffee cakes, though."
-3/3

"A smile and a good attitude is all you're bringin'...I have sunscreen."
-3/4

"It looks like ringworm, but I think it's just...that he attacked his nipple."
-3/5

"It's really overdoing it. It's like an SNL skit now."
-3/5

"I can smell the Febreze from here! Jesus...it's like living with David again."
-3/6

After finishing phone call with customer:
"Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!"
-3/6

"I think I need to experiment with different types of necklines."
-3/7

"Well, the point is...they wear unitards and helmets and do karate moves."
-3/7

A: "He wouldn't call you retarded."
B: "He might, Lindsay, he might. He's an awful man. (reflective pause:) No. Not really...just Asian."
-3/7

"They're such a great couple! Talk about nonmonogamy."
-3/9

"Oh my God I want this t-shirt so bad! Look at it...a hot dog high-fiving mustard!"
-3/9

"If this is hell it's pretty sweet!"
-3/10

"Educational building toy my foot! You just want to make a pirate castle."
-3/10

"No toys? That's really sad...what about Lego?"
-3/10

In a singsong voice, while looking out the window:
"Who wants to see a rainbow?...Pam?"
-3/10

"Nothing is sacred. Not Jesus, not babies, nothing."
-3/10

A: "If I had a ping-pong table would you play with me?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Do you think we'd get really good?"
B: "Yeah, we'd be like Asians!"
-3/10

"Well, the Chinese are amazing at everything...they're like Nazis!"
-3/10

A: "Sarah'd be happy. You would be happy. And Jon would be happy."
B: "It's true. We'd be like polygamists without the sex."
-3/10

A: "He's like the Gallagher boy."
B: "Liam?"
A: "I don't know. Either one that sucks."
-3/11

"Well, he did like the Cake-a-Walk, but he wouldn't like Lady of the Lake because he has prejudice in his heart."
-3/12

"I'm so relieved. I took my car to Jiffy Lube this morning. It needed coolant. It needed to chill."
-3/13

Lunatic coworker: "If Kathy has a BlackBerry, then that means I should have a BlackBerry."
-3/13

A: "I don't sleep soundly at all."
B: "Oh, man...you should join the Army."
-3/13

"Our first order of business is to write a lesbo movie that doesn't suck."
-3/14

"Are you mocking me with your nostrils?"
-3/16

"It's too hot. When it burns your diaphragm, it's too hot."
-3/18

Re. a suspected lesbian:
"She had volleyball written all over her."
-3/18

Re. Stevie Wonder presenting an award to R. Kelly:
"It's like, 'Stevie Wonder! Of course you're presenting him with an award, you've never seen him!"
-3/19

"I was like, 'What-eva!', and I pooped! I can do what I want!"
-3/20

A: "What was the Word of the Day yesterday?"
B (pause): "You mean from Dictionary.com?"
A: "Yeah."
B: "Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails."
A: "Oh, I don't either. I just wanted to know what it was."
-3/21

"She looks like she's drunk or on drugs or something. Maybe it's the weight of her bangs holding down her eyelid."
-3/21

"...and he's wearing white shoes, where is he, Florida?!"
-3/21

A: "She may have become a nun."
B: "Seriously?"
A: "That's what I've heard."
-beat-
B: "That would explain why she's not on MySpace."
-3/23

A hands B a paper clip bent into the shape of a heart.
B: "Thank you! I will treasure it."
A: "No -- use it as a weapon."
B: "I will treasure it and use it as a weapon."
-3/24

"I know Lindsay is all about the trivia...but I don't think we'll ever get her inside a Hooters!"
-3/24

A: "Like I don't want to be there?! To see my mom get married?! She birthed me!...you know."
B: "I know."
-3/25

"I've been having a really hard time telling middle-aged white men apart lately?"
-3/25

"...Also, another gay thing about the terrier? The terrier has Seasonal Affective Disorder."
-3/25

"Wait, we talk about Teri Hatcher, we just don't talk about how her eyelids look like labia."
-3/25

"...so it was fun, I had some wine and a Percoset...and watched The Goonies."
-3/26

"My grandmother used to say, 'Eat through the pain,' but she was a very large woman."
-3/27

"You know what? Sometimes, I would kill for chopped liver."
-3/27

"...So I'm broke, but I have a dog with short toenails!"
-3/27

"I'm happy to announce that we have an assortment of muffins here."
-3/28

Disgustedly, while looking at an accounting report:
"Is that still that Mendelsohn/Zien shit penny sittin' in there?!"
-3/28

A: "Do you crave fatty foods at that time of the month?"
B: "I pretty much crave food all the time."
A: "Really? That's cool."
-3/28

“It’s weird having a wife! I wanted to stay up and go on the internet, but I had to go to bed.”
-3/28

Re. Belle & Sebastian:
"The songs would be so much better if they were sung by someone who had some balls...or a lady."
-3/28

"Sometimes you do bad things and you feel good about it."
-3/31