April 2007

"I don't like it when people are needy and then tell me I'm awesome."
-4/4

Receptionist at the Braille Institute, on phone: "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
Masaki: "Masaki."
Receptionist: (laughter) "That's a funny name..." (more laughter)
Masaki: "And you are?"
Receptionist: "Oh, I'm Mr. Quackenbush."
-4/4

"I need to get a chinchilla one day. Like, when there's enough room to have the snake and the chinchilla in separate rooms."
-4/7

"See, this is what makes me a bad Jew. I...I don't make good purchases."
-4/7

A: "I didn't know there were French rappers.
-beat-
B: "Let me introduce you to World Music."
-4/7

"Reconstructive memory's a bitch!!...why am I defending Dido's drummer?!"
-4/8

"It was more of a cookie than anything I've ever seen...I mean, except for other cookies."
-4/8

Re. colorblindness:
"So what does weed look like to him normally?!...probably a cookie!"
-4/8

Re. Label-On-Postcard:
"It's making me an old lady quicker than I want to be."
-4/8

A: "Just...blame it on Mars."
B: "What?!"
A: "Mars is the fiery red planet that rules me...and makes me crazy!"
-4/10

"Why do you like Gollum so much?! Why are you always defending him when I rip him an asshole?!"
-4/10

Re. Sally Field:
A: "You just don't think about her."
B: "Unless you're thinking about Steel Magnolias."
A: "Or...Widget?"
-4/11

"Sorry, sorry!...I was trying to affectionately touch you."
-4/11

"Blair's like a ninety-year-old man. She's like the Dalai Lama."
-4/12

"I miss Hugh Downs. (beat:) Is he dead?"
-4/13

"...but not Russell Crowe! Not Russell Crowe. He is...he is a pile of beef stew, that's all he is."
-4/13

"I just feel that pimp suits in other times didn't have such big shoulder pads."
-4/13

"Don't get hot and bothered again, we have to eat dinner."
-4/16

"I don't know what to say. (beat:) I will say that my grandparents bought a Prius."
-4/17

"This Lite ice cream really does have half the fat and all the taste!"
-4/17

"McRory is like...Big Toe with arms!"
-4/21

A: "Did I make a grammatical mistake?"
-beat-
B: "I'm not sure. But it was funny the way I interpreted it."
-4/21

While listening to Joanna Newsom's Ys:
A: "Tom, are you high right now?"
-beat-
B: "Not enough."
-4/21

"I don't know, I'm just about to kiss my fucking brother-in-law...with a Samurai ponytail!"
-4/21

Re. Jeff Buckley:
"He's like Joan Baez at the Olympics."
-4/21

A: "Is it the croissant of meat?"
B: "Yeah, it's pompous."
-4/21

A: "I just don't like the words 'Philly Cheesesteak'."
B: "Why?"
-beat:-
A: "I think it's the 'Philly' that throws me off."
-4/24

A: "I think I've made my point."
B: "Whatever, Linds, I'm the one who compressed that burp!"
-4/24

"If it has made its way to reality TV, it is happenin' in the heartlands."
-4/24

"Imagine if Prince was a chick. (beat:) She would be so fuckin' crazy!"
-4/24

Thoughtfully, re. Munchos:
"I don't really like Pringles that much. (pause:) These at least have their own shape."
-4/25

A (accusingly): "Have you had Monster today?!"
B: "No!...I'm just excited to be talking about comics."-4/27

"Justin is gaaaay...either gay or a womanizer."
-4/28

"This place is, like, full of uncomfortable textures."
-4/29

December 2006

A: "Are you being ironical?
B: "Actually, I can't tell anymore."
-12/1

A: "I love Ellen Burstyn."
B: "I love Faye Dunaway."
-long pause-
A: "I like how we didn't say anything about Sally Field."
-12/7

"Oh my God, Tom does the best gay impression! His gay accent is superb."
-12/9

"We're going out with our gay friends tomorrow, to the Abbey...I think they got the cabana!"
-12/9

"What's this...another French rapper?"
-12/9

"He is speaking French. He's French. But he's a French black guy."
-12/9

"My mom was like, 'I knew it was big, but to blow out denim?!!"
-12/22

"I'm gonna bring the jeans, 'cause you would not believe the size of this hole!"
-12/22

A: "You saw God in my chest hair!...or was it Mary?"
B: "It was Moses."
-12/24

"Yeah. I'm exaggerating, of course...but I do have big nostrils, so it's to scale?"
-12/24

"You know, I'm actually a little insulted, 'cause I'm way dumber than your mom."
-12/24

A: "It was atrocious!"
B: "Yes it was! The probe was unusually large!"
-12/24

"I could probably talk about this algorithm until the sun comes up!"
-12/25

"Oh, you've always loved that shit!...randomization and shit like that."
-12/25

A: "Oh, they got married?"
-pause-
B: "On some level, yeah."
-12/25

"No, she would read-Chaucer-and-dream-of-finding-artifacts-in-Africa dorky."
-12/25

A: "Candy corn...gave me a third-degree burn."
B: "What?"
C: "What?"
D: "That was your own fault."
-12/25

A: "It was the tiniest little drop, too!"
B: "Yeah...well, it was burning chemical..."
-12/25

A: "I don't know if I could sacrifice the candy."
B: "One candy corn?!"
-beat-
A: "Oh, it was only one?"
-12/25

"Eewww, fuck napalm?!!"
-12/25

A: "Tom, calm down. Tom, you need to calm down."
B: "What?...I'm just psyched about the stenographer."
-12/25

"Look, I'm carrying myself in a fuckin' backpack...it's weird, okay?"
-12/25

Incredulously:
"You can't cross your legs?!...and you're white?"
-12/25

"See, by the time I got to middle school and karate, I thought I was flexible...but I was just hunchbacked."
-12/25

A: "Apparently that's what the chiropractor told him."
-beat-
B: "No, that's what I feel."
-12/25

Boss, skeptically: "These dogs don't look scared of Santa!"
-12/26

"Looks like Archimedes is the big winner!"
-12/26

"There's your Bob Marley sticker!...wait, or is that Jesus?"
-12/31

"It's not a dump, it's a historical landmark."
-12/31

"Yeah, but it's dead now. That toaster is dead to me."
-12/31

"...and not to say that the Doobie Brothers are cool, but they're fuckin' funky, you know?"
-12/31

"It's time for you and I to study fuckin' barbershop."
-12/31

"I'm sure you could dry-hump Tom as if he were gay."
-12/31

"...Really fuckin' cool! Fuckin' expletive cool!"
-12/31

"If my ears had nipples, they'd be twisted right now."
-12/31