August 2007

"…and, honestly, I don't give a shit about the word 'ergo'."
-8/1

A: "Neil looks gayer than usual!"
B: "Yeah he does…he looks like Lurch!"
-8/2

"Lately he's been staying upstairs…I don't know why, it's so hot up there. (beat:) I think he's going insane."
-8/2

"That's gonna be my start -- save up, I'm gonna get that bra."
-8/2

A: "Wait, how come he doesn't speak English?"
B: "Because he's foreign."
-8/2

"…one girl was like, 'I'd scrape that shit off and put it on your pillowcase', and I was like, 'I don't want to be your roommate!'"
-8/2

"Maybe he's embarrassed to be a cat, and he wants to be a human, so when no one's around he's all, 'Hey, rub my pecs.'"
-8/2

Triumphantly:
"So maybe that's what he's repressing -- not his emotions but his gayness!!"
-8/2

"…and you're like, 'Oh, that dude just plays the accordion', but really he's fuckin' some guy in the bathroom."
-8/2

A: "What are you talking about?"
B: "Your obtrusive burp…on my coughing escapade."
-8/2

"I'm sure there are some respectable women who are hookers."
-8/2

A: "Did we just get scared by some rustlin'??"
B: "Yeah, and that fuckin' human-dog!"
-8/2

"I think it's a city story. (beat:) Wait, what were we talking about again?"
-8/2

A: "At least she doesn't have a fountain!"
B: "A hippie fountain!"
A: "A hippie fountain with lasers in it!"
-8/2

A: "Is he retarded?"
B: "No."
A: "Is he old?"
B: "No. He's from New York."
-8/2

"I was just trying to inject a little levity…cervix it is!"
-8/2

"How did nature create a bird that looks like that?! That's just off the hook."
-8/3

A: "Are you okay?"
B: "No…I need candy or Tums."
-8/7

Re. comparing cats to countries:
"And Keelo, 'cause he runs away, could be -- what's a pussy nation? France."
-8/8

A: "Is he gonna be gay?"
B: "No, he's an Aries."
-8/12

A: "Bacon has nothing your body can use."
B: "Yeah, I know -- let's just stop talking about it!"
-8/12

"I'm so excited about this, I feel like I'm gonna barf nachos in like thirty minutes."
-8/12

"…It's fucked up. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? It's wrong."
-8/12

A: "What's your beef with Hostel all of a sudden?"
B: "Ehh…I watched it."
-8/13

Awkward intern guy, upon being asked 'How was your weekend?': "My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting…"
-8/14

Re. Mary Murphy of "So You Think You Can Dance":
"Do you think when they were casting this they said, 'Are you as retarded as Paula Abdul?' 'Yes.' 'You're hired'?"
-8/16

A: "She looks like she should be on top of a cake in that outfit."
-beat-
B: "Or poppin' out of one."
-8/16

Re. "Knock On Wood":
"This song reminds me of Judge Judy."
-8/16

"Hold on. Was he the white guy that was all…weird?"
-8/16

Defensively:
"I'm not Boner and Balls!!"
-8/16

A: "You like Boner though?"
B: "Yeah, Boner's strong."
-8/16

"Totally!! There's gay cycling over there!! I'm all about it."
-8/16

"Wait, what were we talking about before I so rudely…tripped?"
-8/16

A: "She took lemons and made lemonade."
B: "It took her two days."
-beat-
A: "She broke her toe."
-8/17

A: "I dick around all the time online."
B: "Right, so wouldn't you like to have something quality to do online?"
-8/17

"Yeah, it was like a python spitting up large eggs -- that's what I pictured."
-8/17

A: "I used to take trampolining classes in high school."
B: "What?!"
-8/17

"I'll be back (points at beer:) -- no roofies."
-8/17

"Yeah, it's like a -- it's like a shiny hot dog."
-8/17

"…like, she's beautiful, like I want to hang her on my wall as a picture…like, her skin…ewww!"
-8/17

"Wow, you wear that like a…badge you shouldn't wear."
-8/17

"Who with eyeballs would be like, 'Yeah, this is for me'?"
-8/17

"No offense, but I hope you die."
-8/17

Re. "Hairspray":
"I think it's better than Chicago because -- aside from the segregation -- it's a really happy movie!"
-8/18

A: "Did you call me, Rob?"
B: "No."
A: "What can I do for you?"
B: "Nothing."
-8/18

"Is that a hookah or a lamp?"
-8/18

"They're lesbians…they're very nice though! (pause:) I shouldn't say 'though'."
-8/18

"There was one guy who looked like Jesus…but like a warrior Gandalf Jesus?"
-8/18

"So imagine a homeless crazy person…as a squirrel."
-8/18

"P.S. Did I tell you I decided I like gumbo?"
-8/18

"When I look back all I remember is him whining…and stepping on my breasts."
-8/19

"He's just tedious…like the Mad Hatter."
-8/19

"Come on! Sex is funny, and combined with my cat it's double funny!"
-8/19

"Well, either way this is great news for Bill Clinton!"
-8/22

A: "Can I tell you a story?"
B: "Please do."
A: "Well, it's not as fun…but it's about my medication?"
-8/22

"There's a tremendous power in not caring, you know?"
-8/23

A: "What's that over there?"
B: "I don't know…I can see some Om symbols and a lot of bling."
-8/23

Boss on phone: "Well…guess who one of them was?! Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was!"
-8/28

"The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!"
-8/28

"(Gasp:) A wizard fight?!?"
-8/29

A: "So her mom and who are going to be over there?"
B: "Her grandma."
A: "Oh my God!!"
-8/31

"He's like a real-life imaginary thing!!"
-8/31

"…'cause he's gonna be a big douche -- sorry, Grandma."
-8/31

GRANDKID: "I'm sorry Grandma, this is all gossip!"
GRANDMA: "That's why I'm listening."
-8/31

"It's not like you're adding razzle-dazzle, you're adding shit to your burrito!"
-8/31

A: "It's, like, the weirdest matchup ever."
B: "I know."
A: "…Except for the hippo and the alligator in Fantasia."
-8/31

May 2007

"So I'm realizing that small children are the vessels for my subconscious doubts and fears."
-5/1

Outraged Coworker: "What is bouncing this building?!?"
-5/1

"Come and talk to me, I'm in a bad neighborhood in my head."
-5/4

A: "Did you pee?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "How was it?"
B: "It was disgusting!"
A: "Did you hover?"
B: "Yeah, I hovered like I never hovered before!"
-5/6

A: "There's no way we're getting out of here without seeing the shack with the t-shirts!"
B: "Yeah...hello!"
-5/6

"Split pea soup is their, like, Statue of Liberty."
-5/6

"The only thing keeping you from being a full-on pothead is hand-eye coordination."
-5/6

"Squirt 'n curry...you can drink 'em both."
-5/6

"Lindsay, I have this theory that there are a lot of diabetic Irish people...like, because of all the potatoes."
-5/7

"Potatoes fuck you up!"
-5/7

A: "Well, you do hate gay people."
B: "It's true. I hate drag queens, I hate music..."
-5/7

"Aren't they incredible?! You know...it really does make you want an otter...for a friend."
-5/9

"Poor Paris...I'm starting to feel sorry for her in the way I started to feel sorry for Saddam Hussein."
-5/9

"What you're saying is it's more acceptable to like a calculating monster than a hot retard?"
-5/9

Boss on phone: "Oh my God, Mom, it was crazy! It was like...crazy gay gypsies or something."
-5/10

"I've been to a couple of weddings and a couple of rodeos, and I've never been to a wedding that didn't have cake!"
-5/12

"That has changed my life, that experience. I no longer want anything to do with cold and feet."
-5/13

"Well, I deal with crystaly okay...I have a yoga teacher and a Pilates teacher."
-5/13

"Hey Pam, my dad wants to write 'The Wonder Years' and 'Law & Order'."
-5/13

"Yeah -- that's good. I mean...there's a lot of weird stuff on TV."
-5/13

"I wish I was a lesbian. I'd get so much done! I don't think they sleep."
-5/14

"A lot of people thought Lincoln was a dick. But I love Lincoln!"
-5/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: they were dressed in outfits made of plastic bags.
B: like homeless people?
A: more like...nymphs??
-5/14

"I don't know what to do! It sucks! Because it's kind of itchy and hurty at the same time."
-5/14

"She says she has a tent we can borrow if we want. She says it's cool, nature's all up in her grill all the time...and she likes it."
-5/14

"It's nice though, it's not too out-of-control. I mean, it's not like rainforest-style or anything."
-5/14

"You may have hummed to yourself as a child, but you ain't goin' to no doll store now!"
-5/14

"Oh my God, you would be an awesome librarian!!"
-5/15

"Are you kidding?! That's hideous!! No one should be in a movie with Nicolas Cage!"
-5/15

"First of all, Tenny, I know you're not retarded. You're an excellent baker."
-5/16

"I always thought I'd be excited to see parrots in the wild. Not so much...it was kinda boring."
-5/16

Re. Jaslene being crowned America's Next Top Model:
"I can't...uuuurghh! I kinda want to barf on ANTM right now."
-5/16

"Sexton was pretty scary, but poop couch?!"
-5/16

"Sorry (shrug)...I was just trying to say we suck, that's all."
-5/16

"I'm just realizing right now that I have Rent-a-Baby!!"
-5/16

A: "He has a Hitchcock or Boris Yeltsin face?!"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "And he's an infant?!"
B: "Yeah!...that looks like an old man!"
-5/16

"...so he has a reasonably good chance of growing out of the Boris Yeltsin thing?"
-5/16

"You see 'Boobooski' and you think...oh...oh...is he a Ghostmeister?"
-5/16

"How can you --? You say 'David Spade' and all you can think of is his face and his hair!"
-5/16

"...it's kinda neat though, we have a common bond...gas issues."
-5/16

"It's very unprofessional, I think. Like, if you're an agent...and that's your ringtone...and you're not Latina?"
-5/16

Re. Paul Shaffer:
A: "He's a tool!"
B: "He's such a tool."
A: "He's like...the eraser on a pencil."
-5/17

A: "Grandmas, gardeners, granola eaters and little kids. That's who will be there."
B (excitedly): "That sounds like the most nonthreatening crowd ever!!"
-5/19

"Just look at him...and his cocksucking hair!"
-5/19

Re. actors' short bios in play programs:
"Well, yeah, but these are people who realize that they're not Abraham Lincoln."
-5/19

Re. Bibi the cat:
"No, she's no Flea, she doesn't like car rides. (beat:) I took Lindsay for a ride though."
-5/19

A (incredulously): "He painted a vagina flame?!"
B: "I don't know...maybe he is that gay."
-5/19

A: "He sounds like Kermit!"
B: "I know!"
A: "...Gaaaaaay Kermit."
-5/19

"But it makes me so mad!...Lesbians are gay!"
-5/19

A: "I was sooooo wrong."
B: "What?"
A: "The beer-pong-table-builder guy? Not gay."
-5/19

"What if you become the best harmonica player in the world?...like, better than people in jail?"
-5/20

"I mean, the sky's the limit. If it involves a blowtorch and a baby...we'll figure it out."
-5/20

Re. horseback riding:
"Your ass will hurt, but you'll love it!"
-5/20

A: "Your gut is on fire!...in a good way."
B: "And in a bad way."
A: "Why is that?"
B: "I had pasta."
-5/20

"You can get trout a lot of places. I'm fairly confident I can get ahold of some trout."
-5/20

Re. PBS documentary about show cats:
"I was like, Bitch!...like I'd scream across the house for anything less than Standards of Perfection."
-5/20

"Well...I think evil outweighs astrology."
-5/22

"It's cool...my metal is, like, bouncy."
-5/22

"Well, it's more like...like a drive-by stick-it-in."
-5/22

A (incredulously): "Is he gay?!"
B: "...and is that Tara Reid?"
-5/22

Coworker A: "He told me they did it! But they didn't!"
Coworker B: "He told you they did it but they didn't?! Are they high?"
-5/23

"I think you just do that when you're older -- like, you start to like smooth jazz."
-5/23

A: "That's something I don't know how to do."
B: "What?"
A: "Not share things."
-beat-
B: "I do!"
-5/23

A: "What's happening for your birthday?"
B: "Thirty-one?! Isn't that when you're supposed to jump off a fuckin' bridge 'cause it's so boring?!"
-5/24

"Jake, is that a sea otter in your bed?"
-5/24

"I've never heard anyone flirt like this...it was like the Discovery Channel."
-5/24

"If you saw me with my hair brushed you'd know what I mean. It's not a good scene. I look like a lawyer or something."
-5/24

"I'm kind of an anarchist, but I still like corn."
-5/25

"My mom...we've always described her as the black Erica Kane."
-5/25

"It is like we're married. We have no physical relationship. You give me crap. And you tried to stab me with a fork."
-5/25

Boss Lady (re. preparing food for a potluck): "I need a wife! Pam's been telling us that for years!"
-5/25

"Do you know anyone who has a dolly?...I mean, do you know if Pam and Sarah have a dolly?"
-5/26

"Yup!...Fourteen grams of coke was in my vagina."
-5/26

"Really?! Do I look like a major wiener, like I'm driving a Geo Metro? Do they just not see me?...I don't understand what's happening!"
-5/26

"I couldn't find anything! I'm really disappointed in my Googling skills."
-5/26

A: "I hate carryin' shit so bad!"
B: "I do too. 'Cause gravity's always fuckin' with you."
-5/26

A: "But it's NASCAR and chickens!"
B: (tsssk) Lindsay, when have you ever liked NASCAR and chickens?!"
-5/26

"Like, even before I do it, I hate myself...you know what I mean?"
-5/26

"...and I love cats and I hate men...God I'm so typical!"
-5/26

"Sorry, Lindsay, I'm not trying to rain on your Cyndi Lauper parade...I'm just trying to understand it."
-5/26

"I love funky ethnic sounds!...it must be a gay thing."
-5/29

Re. Teri Hatcher:
"She is so gross!...I bet her vagina smells really bad."
-5/29

A: "What are you doing tonight?"
B (holding up bowl of ice cream): "This is it!"
-5/30

A: "You feel like a stockbroker when you're alone?"
B: "No -- I feel like the stock has crashed when I'm alone."
-5/30

"...I saw ice cream in his hand and I was like, 'Oh shit, now what am I gonna do?!'"
-5/31

"She's gonna want a new iPod that doesn't have mouse urine on it."
-5/31

A: "What system?"
B: "The System, Lindsay...just try to lower yourself to a hippie mindset for just a minute."
-5/31

May 2005

"Dammit, I got schooled by the Hot Topic girl!!"
-5/11

A: "She loves baseball movies!"
B: "What?"
A: "Yeah, what's that one with Geena Davis?"
B: "A League of Their Own? But what lesbian doesn't love that movie?!"
-5/11

"I smoked Capris all night...just for effect."
-5/12

Re. Three Men and a Baby:
A: "Wait...you rented it?!!"
B: "No, Adriana owns it. She also owns Three Men and a Little Lady."
-5/12

Re. Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin:
"I am skeptical of their relationship...I just wish US Weekly was too."
-5/13

"I remember being really surprised that there was a hole other than the pee hole, like, really late in life."
-5/13

"I like it 'cause it's, like, food and soup."
-5/13

Re. seafood:
"I'm constantly asking Brian, like, how can you eat something that smells like a really rank women's bathroom?"
-5/13

Re. a girl peeing on a wall:
"I was like, 'Do you have a penis?!...is that a skill I can learn?'"
-5/13

"There was a period of time when anyone over six feet tall was very attractive to me. It didn't take much. (beat:) Except for Krist Noveselic!"
-5/13

"They're kinda like gypsies, but they're more like...pioneers."
-5/13

"...and by the way, that Paula Abdul CD you have??...packed with hits!!"
-5/13

"You guys are so much gayer than the Backstreet Boys!!"
-5/13

Re. Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" on a jukebox:
"This song goes on forever, and I'm so not sorry for playing it."
-5/13

"I'm like, 'For all I know, there are, like, tulips growing out of that toilet,' and they're like, 'Yeah, red ones!!'"
-5/13

"Goose!!...He's wrong, Tom Cruise is a total goose!!"
-5/13

"Look at all these ducks and geese. They're all fucked-up. They're just like anyone in Spokane."
-5/13

A: "It took me a long time to love her."
B: "She's a sweetheart, but she's an abomination."
-5/13

"Ummm...the best thing about Stella is her hatred of hands...which I will demonstrate now."
-5/13

"Holy cow, there you go!...Okey dope, take a nap."
-5/14

"Uh, would you be offended if I tossed this salad?"
-5/18

A: "Who does he look like?"
B: "Oooh...I don't know!"
A: "Give me a celebrity. You can choose one for looks and one for aura."
-5/20

"When I was first cast, I was all bummed out, 'cause I was like, 'Great, I'm playing a puppet!'-- and then when that happened I was like, 'Whatever! Pat me on the back! Playin' a role!' "
-5/22

"Oh my goodness gracious, I'm so relaxed!!"
-5/25

"I have a soft spot for acrobat families."
-5/30

Re. coffee:
"This is really strong. I'm gonna be wired. (pause:) Maybe I'll clean the kitchen!"
-5/31

Re. the difference between an affair and a fling, and if being on vacation is a mitigating factor:
A: "I don't know. How long is the vacation?"
B: "A week."
A: "I believe that's technically called 'Getting Your Groove Back'."
-5/31