September 2008

"They are a family to whom God gave the wife a cast-iron uterus."
-9/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
I just typed this!!!
"do you think it is insensitive to have an ice cream social on sept. 11th?"
-9/2

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
you know, rescheduling this ice cream social means that the terrorists DID win\
-9/2

"Christmas is comin', and you know what that means! (beat:) Someone's gettin' cable!"
-9/2

"What??! They stole your boat and gave you a noodle?!?!"
-9/2

"I think you're ready for the leaking-fluid photo spot if you need it."
-9/3

"Baby Jesus is against shrimp-flavored crackers."
-9/3

Boss re. online video: "You want to listen to it again so you can hear the 'fuck it'?"
-9/3

"Arhhhhhh!, I missed Bob Dylan last night -- that's why the Lord put me to sleep!"
-9/4

"I don't want to eat pussy -- but I like hangin' out with ya!"
-9/6

"Star Wars boy -- one with the yarmulke? -- he may be coming."
-9/6

"Writing and sex are different!"
-9/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: by garden squirrel you mean the plastic one that was in your room that Django loves?
B: no, the other one, the one that used to hold my keys
-9/11

"Wait, it's a wedding and a basketball game?!"
-9/12

"It modulates the amplitude...right?"
-9/12

"He resembles a lot of mammals."
-9/16

"Oh my God I love those mug shots!"
-9/17

"There's nothing erotic about beer pong."
-9/17

"Sean is like the funnier, meaner, Richard Simmons."
-9/18

Boss: "Should I give this porn star money?"
-9/18

Boss: "Oohh! NFL's hottest Latino cheerleaders!"
-9/18

A: "Do you want to go to the breastmilk restaurant?"
-beat-
B: "Yeah, kinda!"
-9/18

Re. "extreme bocce":
A: "What makes it extreme?"
B: "Cactus."
-9/20

A: "He's probably just praisin' Jesus."
B: "He's about to invade Poland!"
-9/20

"He likes to look at cats he doesn't like!!"
-9/20

"You know, another way I don't want to die is to be mauled to death by a dog."
-9/22

Boss, re. coworker's child: "That was a pretty adorable fella, I gotta say. (beat:) No more abortions."
-9/23

Boss: "I want a midget and a juice machine."
-9/26

"All right -- well, if Kennedy doesn't die, someone's gonna have to answer to me."
-9/26

Boss to employee: "Are you a fan of vampires?"
-9/29

Boss: "When you have kids are you gonna take them to court?"
Employee: "What?!"
Boss: "I mean, church?"
-9/30

November 2007

"I feel like I'm in a competition with you...I don't feel like I'm in a competition with Lexie because she's clearly a robot."
-11/5

"I feel like Luka does need rescuing from these pincher-poker people."
-11/5

Re. aggressive anal sex:
"I feel like it would only be polite to offer crack at that point."
-11/5

"...so I think I understand where he was coming from...but he totally ruined that squirrel's life."
-11/5

"He has become the old lady he once mocked."
-11/5

"...No, you would be violating your own civil rights."
-11/5

"I feel like that was a creepy laugh...but there's a hamburger on this cat."
-11/10

"Leaving there I felt like I had just had sex...but without the guilt."
-11/11

"I've got this Chinese box that smells like old people."
-11/11

"Dude, if you're magnetizing the Jamaicans, you know that shit's cute!"
-11/12

A: "Do you remember owning a spur?"
B: "Not since high school."
-11/17

"The world is safe for democracy again...and dogs in cars!"
-11/19

"I didn't say she was gripping it in her vagina walls! (laughter:) Sorry I spit chip on you."
-11/20

"Seems like someone's always talkin' about Rilo Kiley and someone's always defensive."
-11/22

A: "How do you Photoshop coke?!"
-beat-
B: "You can Photoshop coke!"
-11/22

A: "Who brought the Foreman Grill?!"
B: "It's Jim's."
A: "Okay. (beat:) I'm a terrible person."
-11/22

"I'm an anxious yuppie, I realized...I'm still surprised I'm not a Jew."
-11/22

"It's not boring, it's different...you know how I like to make fun of things that are different."
-11/22

"I feel like I need a wheelbarrow for my stomach."
-11/22

"Nobody wants a penis with stuffing in it."
-11/22

"What is the War of 1812?...something I should know?"
-11/22

"Well, you don't get him to love you by walking like Frankenstein!"
-11/22

"I'm just stating the facts. I'm not making a sexist remark...you're the one who was saying you're jealous of a dog lickin' his balls."
-11/22

A: "Is he gay?"
B: "British."
-11/22

"Sorry, you guys, I totally failed. (beat:) I couldn't find my cowbell or my kazoo."
-11/23

"You're like a rowboat made of steel."
-11/24

"All right, I'll meet the goddamn baby!!"
-11/30

"Babymamma drama for real!...but without the baby."
-11/30