July 2009

A: "We're talking about poop."
B: "Rape protection!"
-7/2

"Wait, are you talking about Republicanism or hate?"
-7/2

"I like Nick Nolte...I like the Irish...and I like prostitutes."
-7/2

"She looks Jewish, meaning not gay."
-7/8

"I don't know. Lesbians aren't into singing pretty."
-7/8

"Well, yeah. They are complete douchebags, but when has that stopped you from liking someone?"
-7/8

"Stop with your fucking white reggae, please!"
-7/8

A: "Let's groom him this weekend."
B: "Groom him?! Are we gonna drug him?!"
A: "Yeah."
-7/10

Boss: "Wanna see a dog with a fork in its head?"
-7/13

"Fair enough. I don't mind being bad cop to Betty White."
-7/16

An AIM chat transcript:
A: what advice did you give him?
B: where to get drugs, how to bribe cops, how to avoid crime, you know, the usual
B: oh, and where to find a lovely brunch
-7/16

A: "Have you ever eaten a salad?"
B: "I have. It's not for me."
-7/16

"You know what our favorite thing to do is? Get a little too drunk and watch the dog show."
-7/18

"It'll be like the best day ever. I'll get to dance, drink Squirt and recycle."
-7/20

Boss: "Would you pay 200 bucks to pet a whale?"
-7/21

Boss: "Wait, did my uncle die?"
-7/21

Boss: "I'm going to drink this weekend with a man from the Homeland Security Department."
-7/24

Spoken aloud while typing into Google search bar:
"Human birth...pooped on..."
-7/24

Boss: "I listen to Lily Allen, Avril Lavigne and Taylor Swift almost every day."
-7/30

November 2008

Teen girl in bagel store, re. the Cardigans' "Lovefool": "I love this song. I really like old-fashioned music."
-11/1

"(Gasp:) More sock monkeys!"
-11/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
OMG.....I wish you were there last night at our place when Tom farted
the conversation that happened after the fart would've made your quote book
Tom: FART
Yuki: Wow, that was a glorious one
Tom: Yeah, it's like my ass massaged itself!
Yuki: ROFL!!!!!!!
I know, TMI.
-11/6

"I walked in and heard someone say, 'Are they truly looking for ninja weapons?' and then I left."
-11/6

Boss, on discovering an unused file cabinet: "We can get babies and let them nap in here!"
-11/6

Coworker A, re. a vacant row of cubicles: "What did you do with all the people over here?"
Coworker B: "They all decided, what's the point?"
-11/6

"Chipotle is my bitch."
-11/7

"I think I've opened your cheese mind."
-11/7

A: "Four months into their relationship he peed on her fridge."
B: "That's more of a year thing."
-11/7

A: "I think I was at the Abbey when I first asked that question to a person."
B: "It's a learnin' place."
-11/7

A: "Well, they are sneaky."
B: "They are, they will sneak up on you and lick your knuckles."
-11/7

A (disgustedly): "Have you all seen Hercules?!"
B (emphatically): I have not!"
-11/7

"I did meet her -- she was (clucks tongue:) -- what a hitter."
-11/7

"Killer whales are dicks."
-11/7

"...I feel pretty good about taking old medicine."
-11/7

A: "It's a sign of love."
B: "Urine?!!"
-11/10

"Optimism is the new pessimism!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
how can someone hate whales?
i mean if you are a seal I GET it
but other than that
-11/12

"Yeah...I'm crazy 'cause I don't like eatin' tentacles!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: Hey, let's go to the Hollywood Improv and see Greg Proops this weekend!
B: oh no!
B: he's back?
A: yep!
A: he's back and he's straight/gayer than ever!
-11/13

A: "Dude, I know how I'm gonna look in twenty years."
B: "Really? How?"
A: "Hot."
-11/13

Re. pineapples:
"It's the Lord showin' off, once again."
-11/14

Boss: "It's not stalking anymore. It's Facebook."
-11/18

"What do you mean, 'the kid'?! He's clearly a bisexual adult male!"
-11/18

An instant message chat excerpt:
whatever miniscule scrap of empathy I might have had for al qaida evaporated today
-11/19

"Let me tell ya. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it for the money. (beat:) Considering the money's shit."
-11/24

"All right. I'm learning to control my anger. (beat:) Would you like some cornbread?"
-11/27

"My gay boss wears that shirt."
-11/29