June 2009

"They're so much better than Cheetos -- they're, like, the thinking man's Cheetos."
-6/1

"All you people with your rapes!"
-6/11

"Well, not all cats are murderers!"
-6/11

"It's only ass-kissing if you think someone is above you."
-6/11

"You know what? All my exes live in Texas!...I'm a country song like you wouldn't believe."
-6/11

Re. a biracial friend:
"That's the thing, I've got twice as much racism I can spew on her."
-6/12

"It's scientifically freakin' me out!"
-6/16

An AIM chat excerpt, re. a dog recovering from illness:
A: he's great
B: yay!
A: as good as new
A: but half as bitey
-6/16

A: "I was thinking of you yesterday."

B: "Why?"

A: "Because the number-one astronomer is a black dude!"

-6/18

"Honestly, I have never had a good pickle in a deli."

-6/19

A: "You think skunky is sexy?"

B: "Can be. Can be."

-6/20

"A lot of cartoon nudity goin' on there!"
-6/23

"Does your mother know you're eating out of vending machines?"
-6/24

Boss: "I'm stealing a slice of somebody's pepperoni. Screw you."

-6/25

Mother: "Can you give me a kiss on the cheek?"

Twentysomething daughter: "No, you're being weird."'

Mother: "Please?"

Twentysomething daughter: "Fine."

Mother: "Your skin looks good."

-6/30

October 2008

"Navy is really dark."
-10/3

"Hello, remember when we tried to walk home from downtown Long Beach? You barfed on the sidewalk all the way home!"
-10/3

"That's like the time I threw up on the Pakistani fraternity!"
-10/3

"Was it racist in the way of, like, Australians?"
-10/3

Re. astrology:
A: "I'm pretty spot-on with my sign."
B: "I am too! I have a foot fetish with my own feet."
-10/3

A: "You are bossy."
B: (gasp:) "I am so bossy!"
-10/3

A: "I threw up in my rubber boat shoe the last time I had seafood."
B: "You have a rubber boat shoe?!"
-10/3

"It's scary as in (drops voice to a whisper:) gangs!"
-10/3

"I don't think I want a Narnia tattoo."
-10/4

"I have an old-timey collection of seashells."
-10/4

Male Boss A: "Do you ever read Jezebel?"
Male Boss B: "Am I a lady?"
-10/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i love greek food, therefore i love tom hanks
they go hand and hand
-10/16

Boss: "Let's bring back McCarthyism."
-10/22

"Nothing says '37-year-old gay man' like the Nissan Altima."
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: we can allow the word douche right
A: in comments
A: can we approve a coment
A: that sasys "Bill's a douche"
B: no douche!
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i was hiking and ran into some cows
i was kind of scared.
they're pretty big you know
and they were staring at me.
-10/24

A: "So excited about the sea dragons!"
B: "I'm so excited about this 22-year-old girl!"
-10/27

"...but I think he had a stroke. And he's young. (beat:) That made me happy. Real happy."
-10/31

"I suppose if anyone could have vegan flesh it would be Jesus."
-10/31

July 2008

"Okay...is it racist if it's true?"
-7/7

"Principle, schminciple! We got videos we gotta take, of nerds!"
-7/14

Boss: "All right, let me get you a fat person so you can go home."
-7/18

A: "It looks like Osama bin Laden!"
B: "I know, with an instrument!"
-7/21

May 2008

"Oh my god. I just threw up in my heart a little."
-5/13

"Ohhhhh, man! Everybody's getting cysts!"
-5/14

Boss: "Ya want some garbage cupcakes?"
-5/14

"Well, tell your dad I agree with him. And I agree with you...your dad's slightly racist."
-5/23

"I just want to watch a double feature of Car Wash and...Beaches!!"
-5/26

Boss, suddenly bursting into song: "Sex blogger from Aus-tra-li-a!!"
-5/27

"Should I just let people pee on my grave at my funeral?"
-5/28

Re. Ashlee Simpson:
"My problem with Pete Wentz marrying her is...do people not have abortions anymore?"
-5/29

A: "Are you going to read the Bible this summer?"
B: "No. But I may read Watership Down."
-5/29