March 2010

Boss: "Does Kirstie Alley have a lemur?!"
-3/2

Boss: "I have no need to see Johnny Depp play another gay man."
-3/5

Boss: "I'm just going to be the next Archie Bunker."
-3/8

Boss: "Yeah, let's not yuck each other's yums."
-3/9

Boss: "If I have a dog with cancer I'm namin' it TypePad."
-3/11

Coworker: "You're more of a tough-love guy."
Boss: "I'm more of a no-love guy."
-3/11

"Weren't your pectoral muscles brought up in conversation once?"
-3/13

Re. Miss Piggy:
"She looks like Sharon Stone in Casino."
-3/13

"You know what it is? I like really gay things, that's why I like Annie."
-3/13

Boss: "Stop pouring bitterness into your eyes and looking at me."
-3/26

Boss: "Oh, I bought my Taylor Swift tickets!"
-3/26

"It's all fun and games until she pukes in your bed."
-3/26

"My diet's been, like, drinkin' and fuckin'."
-3/28

Coworker: "I don't care what the story is! Get a camel in the photo spot now!"
-3/30

Boss: "I think I'm grooming my succulent!"
-3/30

Boss, crisply: "He looks very much like a lawyer. Is that what he is?"
-3/30

Boss: "Last night I forgot to take the 14mg patch off and I had crazy dreams about a post-apocalyptic world."
-3/31

Boss to people gathered in his office for a meeting: "I didn't call this meeting, did I?"
-3/31

"There's clapping. Does that mean there's cake?"
-3/31

Boss: "We had this really great story about that! Oh wait, I read that in another magazine."
-3/31

Boss, re. a restaurant he checked into on Foursquare: "And you know that place ain't known for its good food. (beat:) And I'm the mayor of it."
-3/31

April 2009

Boss, blowing nose: "What if I'm allergic to kitty litter?"
-4/1

Boss: "Can I drink on antibiotics?"
-4/3

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
A: i kind of want to cry about that
A: it is so precious
A: they are so simple
B: yeah, dogs love bacon
-4/3

"Hello! I don’t need to know that you’re a divorced man and a part-time father!"
-4/8

"Could you please clarify? Is your son a bastard or not?"
-4/8

Boss: "If I go tonight, this will be my third Britney Spears concert."
-4/16

Boss in meeting: "You know, I'm just going to shut my mouth because I'm not really feeling that well?, and I'm on a lot of drugs right now."

-4/17

"Vegetables taste so good when you eat them of your own volition -- you know what I’m sayin’?"
-4/20

A: "She’s teasing you."
B: "Wouldn’t be the first time a teenage girl had done that to me. (beat:) On Facebook."
-4/20

Re. Montecito:
A: "It's old money and Oprah."
B: "Well, she's old."
-4/21

"Can I send a twit on Tweeter?"
-4/22

"Right, because we wouldn't know anything about Britney Spears...or about placenta sandwiches."
-4/22

"Baseball are the biggest dicks!"
-4/22

Man on the street: "I fell in love with this tree!"
-4/23

"It's just dusty, like...in the world."
-4/23

Re. Facebook photo:
A: "That's her other sister."
B: "Mmmm. (beat:) They do look Asiany."
-4/23

Boss A: "I do not have Swine Flu."
Boss B: "But I want you to have Swine Flu!"
-4/24

"Either she's a very strong woman or that's a tiny scooter!"
-4/29

October 2007

Re. online jeans shopping:
"These cheap Monday skinnies are not unisex!"
-10/5

"She's in Dubai?!...it's like the Amelie dwarf!"
-10/5

"Sounds like the Chipmunks in a swordfight!"
-10/5

"Oh my gosh!...rapping robots started a fight!"
-10/5

"Crap!...here I am drunk, trying to explain physics."
-10/6

Re. office holiday party:
"You go in there...you've got that gift exchange. It's like you're walking into a funeral."
-10/9

A: "I think it's just something she likes to do when she's bored."
B: "Wheeze?"
A: "Hack."
-10/12

"...and in my head I was like, 'Oh my God, we just broke up in my head.'"
-10/13

On phone:
A (Pacific time): "It's very late there."
B (Eastern time): "Yes, and I have to get up for my trapeze class in the morning."
-10/13

"Eating this fruit without looking at it is so much easier."
-10/14

"She's like...a nonfunny Margaret Cho."
-10/17

"His opinions and values are the lowest common denominator of humanity...I'd love to stomp him in a street fight!"
-10/17

"Come closer...I'm gonna fuck you up!"
-10/17

A: "I love that...walls breathing."
B: "I've had enough of walls breathing!"
-10/17

"...he sent out a MySpace thing, and it was Jesus doing a beer bong, and I was like, 'That's not really classy.'"
-10/18

"...very tall girls with a country attitude-- that's what I saw."
-10/18

Re. heating bill:
"I mean, that's what I was thinking about, I wasn't thinking about...cocks."
-10/19

A: "Oh my God! I might have to break up with Courtney!"
B: "What?"
A: "India.Arie."
-10/19

"It's like breakin' the fourth wall...in sculpture."
-10/19

A: "Is that the creepy gnome?"
B: "The one that looks like it's masturbating?"
A: (nods)
B: "Yeah."
-10/19

"That girl consumed more ranch than anyone I've ever seen!"
-10/19

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...is this Seal?!"
-10/19

"...but if I was a teacher I would have to wear chunky jewelry!"
-10/19

"Cybill Shepherd is a poor man's Murphy Brown!"
-10/20

"Can I say something funny about meth?"
-10/20

"You cannot tell if an Asian lesbian is a guy or a girl."
-10/20

"Awww, well he thinks it's cute, but I think it's disgusting!"
-10/20

"Okay, why the F would you even consider putting breastmilk in your coffee?!"
-10/21

A: "So is she like a serious top?"
B: "No, more like a kid in a candy store."
-10/21

"Bubble's in Parliament, y'all!"
-10/21

"Hey! You know what?! You get the Little Rascals out of your head!"
-10/22

"Eww...poop goes in the toilet, an outhouse or on the ground!"
-10/24

"I don't think they were actual lesbians...they were just old ladies."
-10/24

"I can't believe you pantsed your date. Who does that?!"
-10/24

"Lindsay, it's too early. If I can't think about the D-Zone I can't think about abortion."
-10/27

"Yeah, he does kinda look like Jake...but only if Jake was more Asian."
-10/27

"I had to throw that penis in 'cause everyone else was."
-10/28

"...I mean, they're just tiny people...it's not like their penis has gangrene or something."
-10/28

January 2006

Outraged, re. R. Kelly:
"Well, there are more ugly men than him. (beat:) At least he's proportionate!"
-1/1

"I was just thinkin' about JTT yesterday!! I was in the shower, and he just popped into my head."
-1/1

"It's Muppets and crystals!!...I'm not diggin' it."
-1/1

"Sexual?!! Lindsay, it's a pipe! You have to penetrate it."
-1/4

A: "How did we get that teepee, did Dee Dee give it to us?"
B: "I don't know, let's get back to you being a slut!"
-1/7

"Did you just compare Steve Perry to Fraulein Maria?!!"
-1/7

Wistfully, in unison, after walking past a mother and child talking about ice cream:
A: "I want a kid!"
B: "I want fudge sauce!"
-1/7

"You wanna know the facts? Here's the facts. Between eleven and two, my tuna walked away."
-1/10

"I don't care about John Melendez...and some black woman with a microphone!!"
-1/14

"See?!?! That's what textin' does to friendships!!"
-1/14

A: "What the hell was that?"
B: "That was Jon."
-pause-
A: "What was he doing?"
B: "Rappin'."
-pause-
JON (heatedly): "Beatboxing!!"
-1/15

"It looked like someone came in--with poop on their shoes--and did a dance."
-1/15

"NO! NO! Pizza is on me...I'm just sayin' I'm lazy."
-1/15

"That's a good question. (beat:) I think I'd hang my fanny out to dry every once in a while."
-1/15

A: "Are we going, or should I just go?"
B: "I don't know, what time is it?"
A: "Nine-thirty."
C: "Really?! I thought I was on that noodle for way longer than that!"
-1/15

"You're going to be the mother of a bastard child in a lesbian live-in situation!!"
-1/17

A: "Ye-ah!-- 'cause Dad's mean-spirited, of course he thinks that shit's hilarious!!"
B: "And spiteful!"
-1/17

A (disdainfully): "That gay!!"
-beat-
B: "What?"
A: "He's so gay!!"
B: "He can't help it."
-beat-
A: "I know."
B: "Well...actually he looks like he can."
-1/18

Re. Friendster:
"Where are my picture comments?! About Bill?!...And what about my testimonial?...you son of a bitch."
-1/19

A (guiltily): "This might not actually be the Stray Cats. I apologize for that."
B: "Who is it?"
A: "I don't think you want to know. (beat:) It's Letters To Cleo."
-1/21

A (outraged): "Is this Booker T. & the MGs?!!"
B: "It's the 'Munsters' theme song!"
-1/21

Upon discovery of cookie crumbs on couch:
"G.D.!!! (pause; then after picking at crumbs for a while:) I don't even know if this is my cookie."
-1/21

A: "Are you staying up?"
B: "Yeah, for a little while."
A: "Would you be watching a movie anyway?"
B: "Yeah, probably. I do most nights. (beat:) That, or masturbation."
-1/21