September 2009

Boss, on a study that showed monkeys enjoy listening to Metallica: "Don't be so surprised, bitch! Hundred million records sold!"
-9/2

"I am so sick of vampires."
-9/8

"Wow, I never realized how close the words 'pig' and 'pug' are."
-9/12

"All I smell right now is the sizzle...I'm smelling the sound of the sizzle."
-9/12

"Yeah, it looks like it would just die from smallness."
-9/12

"I got licked by a retard."
-9/12

"Do you know pathological liar fags?...No! They're lesbians!"
-9/25

"I like terrorists with snappy names. Zazi!"
-9/29

November 2008

Teen girl in bagel store, re. the Cardigans' "Lovefool": "I love this song. I really like old-fashioned music."
-11/1

"(Gasp:) More sock monkeys!"
-11/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
OMG.....I wish you were there last night at our place when Tom farted
the conversation that happened after the fart would've made your quote book
Tom: FART
Yuki: Wow, that was a glorious one
Tom: Yeah, it's like my ass massaged itself!
Yuki: ROFL!!!!!!!
I know, TMI.
-11/6

"I walked in and heard someone say, 'Are they truly looking for ninja weapons?' and then I left."
-11/6

Boss, on discovering an unused file cabinet: "We can get babies and let them nap in here!"
-11/6

Coworker A, re. a vacant row of cubicles: "What did you do with all the people over here?"
Coworker B: "They all decided, what's the point?"
-11/6

"Chipotle is my bitch."
-11/7

"I think I've opened your cheese mind."
-11/7

A: "Four months into their relationship he peed on her fridge."
B: "That's more of a year thing."
-11/7

A: "I think I was at the Abbey when I first asked that question to a person."
B: "It's a learnin' place."
-11/7

A: "Well, they are sneaky."
B: "They are, they will sneak up on you and lick your knuckles."
-11/7

A (disgustedly): "Have you all seen Hercules?!"
B (emphatically): I have not!"
-11/7

"I did meet her -- she was (clucks tongue:) -- what a hitter."
-11/7

"Killer whales are dicks."
-11/7

"...I feel pretty good about taking old medicine."
-11/7

A: "It's a sign of love."
B: "Urine?!!"
-11/10

"Optimism is the new pessimism!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
how can someone hate whales?
i mean if you are a seal I GET it
but other than that
-11/12

"Yeah...I'm crazy 'cause I don't like eatin' tentacles!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: Hey, let's go to the Hollywood Improv and see Greg Proops this weekend!
B: oh no!
B: he's back?
A: yep!
A: he's back and he's straight/gayer than ever!
-11/13

A: "Dude, I know how I'm gonna look in twenty years."
B: "Really? How?"
A: "Hot."
-11/13

Re. pineapples:
"It's the Lord showin' off, once again."
-11/14

Boss: "It's not stalking anymore. It's Facebook."
-11/18

"What do you mean, 'the kid'?! He's clearly a bisexual adult male!"
-11/18

An instant message chat excerpt:
whatever miniscule scrap of empathy I might have had for al qaida evaporated today
-11/19

"Let me tell ya. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it for the money. (beat:) Considering the money's shit."
-11/24

"All right. I'm learning to control my anger. (beat:) Would you like some cornbread?"
-11/27

"My gay boss wears that shirt."
-11/29

September 2008

"They are a family to whom God gave the wife a cast-iron uterus."
-9/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
I just typed this!!!
"do you think it is insensitive to have an ice cream social on sept. 11th?"
-9/2

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
you know, rescheduling this ice cream social means that the terrorists DID win\
-9/2

"Christmas is comin', and you know what that means! (beat:) Someone's gettin' cable!"
-9/2

"What??! They stole your boat and gave you a noodle?!?!"
-9/2

"I think you're ready for the leaking-fluid photo spot if you need it."
-9/3

"Baby Jesus is against shrimp-flavored crackers."
-9/3

Boss re. online video: "You want to listen to it again so you can hear the 'fuck it'?"
-9/3

"Arhhhhhh!, I missed Bob Dylan last night -- that's why the Lord put me to sleep!"
-9/4

"I don't want to eat pussy -- but I like hangin' out with ya!"
-9/6

"Star Wars boy -- one with the yarmulke? -- he may be coming."
-9/6

"Writing and sex are different!"
-9/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: by garden squirrel you mean the plastic one that was in your room that Django loves?
B: no, the other one, the one that used to hold my keys
-9/11

"Wait, it's a wedding and a basketball game?!"
-9/12

"It modulates the amplitude...right?"
-9/12

"He resembles a lot of mammals."
-9/16

"Oh my God I love those mug shots!"
-9/17

"There's nothing erotic about beer pong."
-9/17

"Sean is like the funnier, meaner, Richard Simmons."
-9/18

Boss: "Should I give this porn star money?"
-9/18

Boss: "Oohh! NFL's hottest Latino cheerleaders!"
-9/18

A: "Do you want to go to the breastmilk restaurant?"
-beat-
B: "Yeah, kinda!"
-9/18

Re. "extreme bocce":
A: "What makes it extreme?"
B: "Cactus."
-9/20

A: "He's probably just praisin' Jesus."
B: "He's about to invade Poland!"
-9/20

"He likes to look at cats he doesn't like!!"
-9/20

"You know, another way I don't want to die is to be mauled to death by a dog."
-9/22

Boss, re. coworker's child: "That was a pretty adorable fella, I gotta say. (beat:) No more abortions."
-9/23

Boss: "I want a midget and a juice machine."
-9/26

"All right -- well, if Kennedy doesn't die, someone's gonna have to answer to me."
-9/26

Boss to employee: "Are you a fan of vampires?"
-9/29

Boss: "When you have kids are you gonna take them to court?"
Employee: "What?!"
Boss: "I mean, church?"
-9/30

July 2008

"Okay...is it racist if it's true?"
-7/7

"Principle, schminciple! We got videos we gotta take, of nerds!"
-7/14

Boss: "All right, let me get you a fat person so you can go home."
-7/18

A: "It looks like Osama bin Laden!"
B: "I know, with an instrument!"
-7/21