July 2009

A: "We're talking about poop."
B: "Rape protection!"
-7/2

"Wait, are you talking about Republicanism or hate?"
-7/2

"I like Nick Nolte...I like the Irish...and I like prostitutes."
-7/2

"She looks Jewish, meaning not gay."
-7/8

"I don't know. Lesbians aren't into singing pretty."
-7/8

"Well, yeah. They are complete douchebags, but when has that stopped you from liking someone?"
-7/8

"Stop with your fucking white reggae, please!"
-7/8

A: "Let's groom him this weekend."
B: "Groom him?! Are we gonna drug him?!"
A: "Yeah."
-7/10

Boss: "Wanna see a dog with a fork in its head?"
-7/13

"Fair enough. I don't mind being bad cop to Betty White."
-7/16

An AIM chat transcript:
A: what advice did you give him?
B: where to get drugs, how to bribe cops, how to avoid crime, you know, the usual
B: oh, and where to find a lovely brunch
-7/16

A: "Have you ever eaten a salad?"
B: "I have. It's not for me."
-7/16

"You know what our favorite thing to do is? Get a little too drunk and watch the dog show."
-7/18

"It'll be like the best day ever. I'll get to dance, drink Squirt and recycle."
-7/20

Boss: "Would you pay 200 bucks to pet a whale?"
-7/21

Boss: "Wait, did my uncle die?"
-7/21

Boss: "I'm going to drink this weekend with a man from the Homeland Security Department."
-7/24

Spoken aloud while typing into Google search bar:
"Human birth...pooped on..."
-7/24

Boss: "I listen to Lily Allen, Avril Lavigne and Taylor Swift almost every day."
-7/30

November 2006

"If I could get a circus dog with, like, its voicebox removed, that would be perfect."
-11/1

"He's a Pisces, he wouldn't be a Republican!"
-11/1

"I feel like, at this moment, I look like I could be from Brooklyn."
-11/2

"I grew up in an Ace of Base bubble!"
-11/3

Re. sake bomb consumption:
"I did that once, at Jodie Sweetin's birthday!"
-11/3

"I think the lesson of the day is I should drink more sake."
-11/3

Re. Griffith Observatory:
"Man, this place is the ultimate cockblock!"
-11/4

"What are we doing after this, please tell me we're doing something other than waiting an hour for chips."
-11/4

Re. observatory:
"Ooohh, I hope they have something about Jupiter!"
-11/4

"I can't even go on the Teacups, let alone space!"
-11/4

"It's kinda like, black-people-love-song, but I can still dig it."
-11/5

"Wait -- wait -- I'm serious, we have the best ghost."
-11/7

"...and you're not even sure what is vile about it...maybe it's that wrinkle."
-11/10

A: "Scary and gross is never a good combo."
B: "And it's only the eye of Jupiter!"
-11/10

A: "I don't have godparents, do you?"
B: "No. I don't think so. (beat:) If I do, it's probably some wack-ass hippie out in the middle of nowhere."
-11/11

"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you don't want to shit right!"
-11/13

"That's really the only time I have a hearty laugh...when it's a poop or fart joke. (laughs:) It fills me with delight!"
-11/14

A: "My musical tastes have changed so much."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah. Now it's like, give me a bluegrassy song...or a show tune."
-11/15

A: "Oh my God, what happened to your shoulder?!"
B: "Chocolate."
-11/17

Re. the Lava Lounge:
A: "Have you been here before?"
B: "No, I've been to Hawaii though."
-11/18

"...and I'm really tired, because Pierre woke us up at six to, like, dry heave."
-11/18

"Dude, this place is so much fun. It's like a...cesspool."
-11/18

Anonymous moviegoer: "Steve Harvey is really a bitter, angry man, but he's nice to me because, you know, I produce him."
-11/19

"I love being a nerd. I kind of wish I was more of a nerd. (beat, then wistfully:) I can't wait 'til I'm more of a nerd."
-11/20

"Every damn castle we went to, there that damn Japanese minivan was."
-11/20

Dejectedly:
"Never mind. I thought we had Tetris boobs."
-11/22

"Seriously, seriously...that warthog rules."
-11/22

"I do like Macs, I do like Lord of the Rings, I do like nerds...I just kinda felt like there was too much going on all at once."
-11/22

A: "Did you find a spot?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "That took a long time."
B: "Well, I was in Silverlake."
-11/22

A: "I don't know if that's much of an improvement."
B: "Well, you'd have to hear it echoing off the walls of a canyon in the desert..."
-11/22

A: "We're not all that picky."
B: "You are hippies."
-11/22

"Whoa, whoa! You just related it to a coming-of-age vision quest?!?"
-11/22

"No, it's okay. You know I'm gonna have to get all righteously nerdy on you and stuff."
-11/27