December 2009

Sarcastically:
"What happened to your marvelous sandwich-making?"
-12/14

Child at Disneyland, re. Monstro: "Oh my God, it's an infected whale!"
-12/16

"Mmmm, bandwidth. That's what Santa can get me for Christmas."
-12/17

"I wonder if they sell knives on chains. (beat:) That's a good idea."
-12/21

A: "What's your New Year's resolution?"
B: "To act like a slutty tourist?"
-12/23

"I just said today I wanted to punch a kid in the heart."
-12/23

"You know what?, I have examined a lot of vaginas, and I still don't know exactly where the pee hole is."
-12/23

"Eww, this is gross: 'The Family that Plays Together'."
-12/23

"...about as sexy as a punch in the balls. (beat:) Unless you're into that."
-12/23

A: "What is it about your dad that you don't like?"
B: "Um...him."
-12/23

"You know what?, he is dogmatic, he is lazy...and he wears mock turtlenecks."
-12/23

"But you won't let people lust over your body when you go pee."
-12/23

"You should always have lust in your heart."
-12/23

"A) Who the fuck feeds a cat a hard-boiled egg?!"
-12/23

A: "We've moved to the sexy part of the night."
B: "Cats vomiting hard-boiled eggs."
-12/23

A: "What is that?"
B: "It's the fridge."
A: "Oh. (beat:) It sounds like a duck."
-12/23

"I'm not perfect. I own guns and like to do it in the butt."
-12/25

"Lasagna and strippers...it's your perfect day."
-12/28

September 2008

"They are a family to whom God gave the wife a cast-iron uterus."
-9/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
I just typed this!!!
"do you think it is insensitive to have an ice cream social on sept. 11th?"
-9/2

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
you know, rescheduling this ice cream social means that the terrorists DID win\
-9/2

"Christmas is comin', and you know what that means! (beat:) Someone's gettin' cable!"
-9/2

"What??! They stole your boat and gave you a noodle?!?!"
-9/2

"I think you're ready for the leaking-fluid photo spot if you need it."
-9/3

"Baby Jesus is against shrimp-flavored crackers."
-9/3

Boss re. online video: "You want to listen to it again so you can hear the 'fuck it'?"
-9/3

"Arhhhhhh!, I missed Bob Dylan last night -- that's why the Lord put me to sleep!"
-9/4

"I don't want to eat pussy -- but I like hangin' out with ya!"
-9/6

"Star Wars boy -- one with the yarmulke? -- he may be coming."
-9/6

"Writing and sex are different!"
-9/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: by garden squirrel you mean the plastic one that was in your room that Django loves?
B: no, the other one, the one that used to hold my keys
-9/11

"Wait, it's a wedding and a basketball game?!"
-9/12

"It modulates the amplitude...right?"
-9/12

"He resembles a lot of mammals."
-9/16

"Oh my God I love those mug shots!"
-9/17

"There's nothing erotic about beer pong."
-9/17

"Sean is like the funnier, meaner, Richard Simmons."
-9/18

Boss: "Should I give this porn star money?"
-9/18

Boss: "Oohh! NFL's hottest Latino cheerleaders!"
-9/18

A: "Do you want to go to the breastmilk restaurant?"
-beat-
B: "Yeah, kinda!"
-9/18

Re. "extreme bocce":
A: "What makes it extreme?"
B: "Cactus."
-9/20

A: "He's probably just praisin' Jesus."
B: "He's about to invade Poland!"
-9/20

"He likes to look at cats he doesn't like!!"
-9/20

"You know, another way I don't want to die is to be mauled to death by a dog."
-9/22

Boss, re. coworker's child: "That was a pretty adorable fella, I gotta say. (beat:) No more abortions."
-9/23

Boss: "I want a midget and a juice machine."
-9/26

"All right -- well, if Kennedy doesn't die, someone's gonna have to answer to me."
-9/26

Boss to employee: "Are you a fan of vampires?"
-9/29

Boss: "When you have kids are you gonna take them to court?"
Employee: "What?!"
Boss: "I mean, church?"
-9/30