October 2006

"I'd lie for you, if you want…I'd tell Canada you were my acting coach."
-10/6

"I'm pretty scared of Smokey Robinson's face right now…you know what I mean?"
-10/6

"I think you should tell that music teacher to suck an egg!"
-10/6

"It was like, it wasn't even real, like my mind had manifested a child to heckle me."
-10/8

A: "Has something changed in your psyche since I was here last?"
B: "No, I've just been chewing gum recently."
-10/9

A: "I want to be Kate Winslet."
B: "Really?...she has big feet, apparently."
-10/22

A: "Your freckles are really pronounced today."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah…maybe it's from all the NyQuil."
-10/22

"But it makes no sense, because it's marionette puppets, not wind-up dolls!"
-10/23

A: "I'm so embarrassed!"
B: "Lindsay (sigh)...we can't deny that we, like, don't have a broom."
-10/24

"Lindsay, you can't judge my level of gayness and then go see Eddie Izzard!"
-10/24

"Ummm…Melissa Rivers is here and I think she was born in an inferno."
-10/24

"…because it's, like, really messy in there and I saw that plastic hamburger on the floor…"
-10/26

A: "Did you really call your daughters poseurs?"
B: "Yes I did!"
-10/26

"My son, at three years old, considered the state of Florida an excellent handgun."
-10/27

"I felt threatened, but not so much by the ball of energy as by how fucked-up it was that I was seeing a ball of energy."
-10/27

"Well, it was like the one time I saw energy spiders!"
-10/27

A: "You love energy spiders!"
B: "Well, it's fascinating, because it's energy, you know??"
-10/27

Re. energy spiders:
"I was like, 'I know I should probably be paranoid about this, but I'm not gonna choose to be. They look cool.' "
-10/27

"So then I was like, 'Sweet! Energy spiders!...Man, I wish I could see you guys all the time.' "
-10/27

"Do you think his moustache is, like, a toupee?"
-10/27

"I was a Ghostbuster for Halloween. I made my backpack out of a baby carrier and a vacuum!"
-10/29

Re. the new David Lynch movie:
"It's like three hours of Laura Dern. I can't wait!!"
-10/29

"Uhhh…the dog peed on my boombox!"
-10/30

A: "Kelly…Kelly…these people are trash."
B: "Obviously!"
-10/30

February 2006

A: "He doesn't eat hot dogs?! What kind of cat doesn't eat hot dogs?!"
B: "This one!"
-2/2

"She wanted to savor each bite, but she was all Tori Amos about it and droolin' on herself."
-2/2

"Please don't ever say your cat ravaged you again."
-2/2

Re. Superbowl party:
A: "Will there be game-playing?"
B: "Well...the people on the screen are the ones playing the game...it's not like a baby shower!"
-2/4

"Look at this puppy!!...ignore the tartan...just look at the puppy."
-2/7

"I'm gonna make it a hobby of mine to pick a new cheese every time I walk into a grocery store."
-2/7

"What's something that you can eat or drink that makes you feel really good?...Besides drugs?"
-2/12

"No, no, we're not talking about 'Kumbaya', we're talking about 'Coonrod'."
-2/13

Re. belly buttons:
"It's just 'cause it feels weird. Like, I feel it in my crotch...and not in a good way."
-2/18

"Two weeks?! I don't fuckin' need two weeks! It's a three-page paper...about statues!"
-2/19

A: "Oh yeah?! I'll do my Tejano riff!"
B: "Oh, shit...she said 'riff'!!"
-2/19

A: "This is horrifying!"
B: "Well...'cause of my tight-mouth!"
-2/19

Re. cats' love of paper:
"Like, it owns them. Even the big ones...even the big ones. If there's a business card on the floor, they will go for it."
-2/19

"Oh, just leave my albino face alone! I can't help it!"
-2/19

"It could possibly be that I was high, and my mitts are all tingly and I was rubbin' 'em."
-2/19

"Topper just bit his foot, and then licked it twice...and then he was done."
-2/19

"This makes me think of, like, Superman's winter lair."
-2/19

"All this Cell Phone talk is stressing me out."
-2/19

Re. a picture of Flea the cat:
"Wait, was Kate Stewart mesmerized by him?"
-2/19

"Like, he ruined my suitcase...and there are valuable videocassettes in that basket!"
-2/19

"Seriously, I snorted cookie tonight...I'm not up for this."
-2/19

"So, wait. Are you telling me that you're moving or that you created a massive swoop?"
-2/19

Re. Thomas Kinkade prints:
"They are luminous. (beat:) That's a good descriptive word."
-2/19

Re. Madonna:
"Everyone else has a Black Album...she has to have a White Album."
-2/19

Very seriously:
"It was a hidden, deeply- ...wait, what was that you were saying about shorts??"
-2/19

"No, I know, it's just...don't compare sexiness with Kathleen Turner."
-2/19

"Do you guys ever feel dominated by the fat on your legs?"
-2/19

A: "Like, when you look at this picture what do you see? I mean, what profession would I be?"
B: "Ummm...a pastor's wife?"
-2/19

A: "Did you sit next to anyone cool on the plane?"
B (disgustedly): "No. I sat by a woman."
-2/22

"I like to wear a jacket. It completes my look. (beat:) And it's a blazer, not a jacket."
-2/22

A: "Are you from the South?"
B: "Southern Illinois. I count that."
-2/23

"I was trying to give her a good analogy, but I ended up just making everyone uncomfortable."
-2/23

"Ughhh...Lindsay couldn't eat a Krispy Kreme. (beat:) Or a bran muffin."
-2/23

A: "What does it taste like?"
B: "Uhhh...not good. (beat:) Notice I'm clearing the sink in case I puke."
-2/23

"My consciousness was of Step, Step...Ass, Ass, Ass, Ass...then, Stop."
-2/23

"I need to change. Sorry it took so long to realize I look like an ass!"
-2/23

"Brad?! Brad was destroyed. By a heinous beast who doctored a picture of Elijah Wood!"
-2/23

A: "You've been to Canada, haven't you?"
B: "Well, yes, to Flintstoneland, when I was like seven."
-2/23

Re. "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent:
"It's a song you sing in your bedroom and figure out what harmony you would be. That's it! You don't take it public!"
-2/23

"You are my Google, Lindsay...as well as my dictionary.com."
-2/23

Pam re. Lindsay: "She likes shiny things...I like argyle."
-2/24

"She was really good! Like, almost better than Cher!"
-2/24

Coworker A: "Can you hold on there a second? I've got a paper that I think you'll wanna have."
Coworker B (hopefully): "Is it my walking papers?"
-2/24

Coworker, while writing in farewell card: "Is 'riddance' with one 'D' or two 'D's??"
-2/24

"Pamela, I have to tell you that I was quite taken with your bathmats."
-2/24

"I find it confusing too, Sarah. But then again, I do have a brain injury."
-2/24

"Lindsay, that is Aunt Jemima. When you see her, you know."
-2/24

A: "I think it's just a racist figurine!"
B: "Well...it's a racist figurine and Aunt Jemima."
-2/24

"But where's my bathroom?!...I feel like I'm in an episode of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark'!"
-2/24

"This is like...they set it up for awkward moments...you know?"
-2/24

"Why is there a tree out here?!...Are we outside?!!" -2/24

LINDSAY: "Where are you ladies going?"
ADAM: "I'm going down there."
-2/24

"I'm sure there is an ATM very close...But I don't know, it's the Valley."
-2/24

A: "Where's the prototype?!"
B: "In my vagina."
-2/24

A: "Lindsay, I verified it!"
B: "Yeah, with a gay man!"
A (heatedly): "There was a woman there too!!"
-2/24

"Let's go dumpster-diving. Like, all the time. We could get, like, wetsuits."
-2/24

"Gold medal or not, she's still Michelle Kwan!"
-2/24

"I just kept thinking about...how can it be comfortable to keep moving your mouth up and down...so fast!"
-2/24

"I'm just realizing how truly homosexual it was when I went on that rant about Janice Dickinson!" -2/24

"I have a very vivid memory of the P.E. teacher saying, 'Girls...and Adam...shhhh!'"
-2/25

"Well, it's just too flavorful. You know me, I don't like flavor overload."
-2/25

"What's a bovine? Is that a snake?"
-2/25

A: "But what is the dance supposed to be?"
B: "It's a hammer and saw! It's self-explanatory!"
-2/25

"If you have ever eaten in a real Texas barbeque, there are no Asians or cracked peanuts!!"
-2/25

Re. Joni Mitchell:
"I think it is folk...but I still like it."
-2/25

"I know the town better than you do, and I never saw any lesbians or beer...all right?"
-2/25

"I need another Coke. I had a really long day. I had a three-hour clown party today."
-2/25

"Circle up, kids, it's carpet time!"
-2/25

"A little thigh goes a long way...POP! (beat:) I need to stop drinking Coca-Cola."
-2/25

"Uhhh...quotes! Those are great for cross-stitching!"
-2/25

A: "So if I were to roll out on you in a hamster ball...I would be gay?"
B: "Uhhh...yes."
-2/25

"I haven't seen her since the Viper Room, either...I think she's gotten bad taste since then!"
-2/25

"I didn't envy him at all! He wore flip-flops and a blazer...come on!"
-2/25

"I feel so disconnected without access to MySpace!"
-2/26

Re. conservative parenting:
"I wasn't supposed to know about my period, apparently...like Carrie!"
-2/26

"I was Fat Blossom. It's no fun being Fat Blossom."
-2/26

A: "Like who in Les Miz?"
B: "Gavroche."
-beat-
A: "Oh, okay."
-2/26

Dejectedly:
"Ohhh!, I'm a giant like Macy Gray!"
-2/26

A: "...foamed at the mouth, foamed at the mouth --"
B: "She was frothy."
-2/26

Fiercely:
"Good night!, good night!...I will leave some blankets out, and a pillow!"
-2/26

"I'm sorry, I'm usually so fun!"
-2/26

"I think I've finally made the change from a Sweet to a Savory."
-2/26

"No place in the entire city of San Francisco had a long curly black wig. (beat:) I was ready to slit my wrists right there and call it done."
-2/26

"My favorite movie, reminds me of my childhood, she hates it. But. Renee Zellweger. Reminds me of the Albino."
-2/26

A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-2/26

A: "It's like a positive Tourette's!"
B: "Yeah...I think I'm the first person who's ever spun Tourette's that way."
-2/28

An explanation of cell phone ringtones:
"Yeah...there's only, like, four people I like, and they're chimps. The rest are toilets."
-2/28

"But does that make me weird? That I'm, like, a weird science nerd in my head?"
-2/28