August 2008

Boss: "What was the drink I was going to drink?"
Peon: "Hemlock."
-beat-
Boss: "Thank you!"
-8/1

"You're still thinking about it. (beat:) Because I was thinking you had a mild case of Tourette's."
-8/12

"It's like Polarfleece for your lady parts."
-8/14

"They let skinheads in there, of course they're gonna let a penis in!"
-8/14

"You met Mo. She used to put sugar gliders in her boobs."
-8/14

"A giant penis. You know what that is to a baby?! A slide."
-8/14

"That's okay. But it doesn't make it Hawaiian, it makes it pork-lovin'!"
-8/15

"I had an ex-boyfriend who was Hawaiian, and his slang made me want to kill myself."
-8/15

"You know what?! You can't spill a baby, they'll die."
-8/15

"I would love to get your sperm in the mail."
-8/15

"Lindsay, please. (beat:) I always have paper."
-8/15

"A village fucks a baby."
-8/15

"I'm going to the bathroom with Pam because apparently I'm a woman."
-8/15

"I respect art when it goes balls-to-the-wall."
-8/15

"You know I will find a drag queen event to wear that to."
-8/15

"You looked at Disneyland with disdain and I was ready to brawl."
-8/15

"About Disney -- about transgendered people -- about everything."
-8/15

"I felt so much more comfortable with who I am when I found out I shared a birthday with [Ellen DeGeneres] and Eddie Van Halen."
-8/16

"I got written up for having a conversation with a customer about bestiality."
-8/16

"I love Pam. Pam changed me once."
-8/16

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
the puppets were SO scary
i don't care if they were singing about jesus or not!
-8/25

Boss, re. evolution: "Why are there still monkeys?"
-8/25

"Does Jesus mess with me about dating young girls? No. Therefore, he can hurricane whatever he wants."
-8/28

"I'm namin' my first son Dio."
-8/28

"You are so lucky he doesn't have an opposable thumb."
-8/29

"It shows what a fine line it is between finding a drinking buddy and committing manslaughter."
-8/31

February 2007

"Maybe we should have a general fund for chocolate."
-2/1

"Isn't the movie a straight porn with gay actors...and singing instead of sex?"
-2/4

Creepily serious:
"Leashes are great!"
-2/4

A: "Honey, we're gonna see Music & Lyrics."
B (resignedly): "I know."
-2/5

"Ooohh!!! Sea turtles!!! So cute!!!...oh wait, is that a sea turtle?"
-2/8

"She's like a living dinosaur! Like a living...kind of glamorous...dinosaur."
-2/8

"I hate medium...it's so hard!"
-2/12

"Just look at her face! She has, like, an oil tanker with her name on it!"
-2/12

"I was like, what?! What does that mean?!...But then I saw it, and I was like, 'Wow, that really was next-level hand puppetry!!' "
-2/14

"Come here, kitty, I want to look at your genitals!"
-2/15

"Lindsay, I'm addicted to sushi!...I'm starting to think it's a problem."
-2/15

Boss shouting across office: "Everyone can have M&Ms except for Michael!"
-2/16

"I think I'm gonna tell...I'm gonna tell a story of revenge. A Christmas story of revenge."
-2/16

"Uh, no flaming skull, just him looking really pensive with a bad haircut. (beat:) In the mist, though."
-2/16

"God damn polar bears, hell yeah!"
-2/16

"I'm doing some major cleaning tomorrow, by the way. I'm gonna be here with labels and kitties, so some things are gonna be taken care of."
-2/18

"It's not supposed to be like this!...It's supposed to make farting sounds, but it got wet."
-2/20

"We're all, like, scrambling to be disappointed."
-2/21

"This is everything wrong with this, distilled into one ninety-pound ball of hair."
-2/23

"There's big news on the light bulb front!"
-2/23

Two girls re. an embellished vintage sweater:
A: "I like the cloud, the cloud's my favorite part."
B: "That's like a mushroom."
A (excitedly): "Yeah, it's like a mushroom!"
-2/24

Shouted at TV screen during Oscar pre-show:
"You're the most boring gay e-ver!"
-2/25

"I don't know if she's a waitress, or one of those people who greets people at the door...'cause she's, like, retarded."
-2/26

October 2006

"I'd lie for you, if you want…I'd tell Canada you were my acting coach."
-10/6

"I'm pretty scared of Smokey Robinson's face right now…you know what I mean?"
-10/6

"I think you should tell that music teacher to suck an egg!"
-10/6

"It was like, it wasn't even real, like my mind had manifested a child to heckle me."
-10/8

A: "Has something changed in your psyche since I was here last?"
B: "No, I've just been chewing gum recently."
-10/9

A: "I want to be Kate Winslet."
B: "Really?...she has big feet, apparently."
-10/22

A: "Your freckles are really pronounced today."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah…maybe it's from all the NyQuil."
-10/22

"But it makes no sense, because it's marionette puppets, not wind-up dolls!"
-10/23

A: "I'm so embarrassed!"
B: "Lindsay (sigh)...we can't deny that we, like, don't have a broom."
-10/24

"Lindsay, you can't judge my level of gayness and then go see Eddie Izzard!"
-10/24

"Ummm…Melissa Rivers is here and I think she was born in an inferno."
-10/24

"…because it's, like, really messy in there and I saw that plastic hamburger on the floor…"
-10/26

A: "Did you really call your daughters poseurs?"
B: "Yes I did!"
-10/26

"My son, at three years old, considered the state of Florida an excellent handgun."
-10/27

"I felt threatened, but not so much by the ball of energy as by how fucked-up it was that I was seeing a ball of energy."
-10/27

"Well, it was like the one time I saw energy spiders!"
-10/27

A: "You love energy spiders!"
B: "Well, it's fascinating, because it's energy, you know??"
-10/27

Re. energy spiders:
"I was like, 'I know I should probably be paranoid about this, but I'm not gonna choose to be. They look cool.' "
-10/27

"So then I was like, 'Sweet! Energy spiders!...Man, I wish I could see you guys all the time.' "
-10/27

"Do you think his moustache is, like, a toupee?"
-10/27

"I was a Ghostbuster for Halloween. I made my backpack out of a baby carrier and a vacuum!"
-10/29

Re. the new David Lynch movie:
"It's like three hours of Laura Dern. I can't wait!!"
-10/29

"Uhhh…the dog peed on my boombox!"
-10/30

A: "Kelly…Kelly…these people are trash."
B: "Obviously!"
-10/30

May 2005

"Dammit, I got schooled by the Hot Topic girl!!"
-5/11

A: "She loves baseball movies!"
B: "What?"
A: "Yeah, what's that one with Geena Davis?"
B: "A League of Their Own? But what lesbian doesn't love that movie?!"
-5/11

"I smoked Capris all night...just for effect."
-5/12

Re. Three Men and a Baby:
A: "Wait...you rented it?!!"
B: "No, Adriana owns it. She also owns Three Men and a Little Lady."
-5/12

Re. Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin:
"I am skeptical of their relationship...I just wish US Weekly was too."
-5/13

"I remember being really surprised that there was a hole other than the pee hole, like, really late in life."
-5/13

"I like it 'cause it's, like, food and soup."
-5/13

Re. seafood:
"I'm constantly asking Brian, like, how can you eat something that smells like a really rank women's bathroom?"
-5/13

Re. a girl peeing on a wall:
"I was like, 'Do you have a penis?!...is that a skill I can learn?'"
-5/13

"There was a period of time when anyone over six feet tall was very attractive to me. It didn't take much. (beat:) Except for Krist Noveselic!"
-5/13

"They're kinda like gypsies, but they're more like...pioneers."
-5/13

"...and by the way, that Paula Abdul CD you have??...packed with hits!!"
-5/13

"You guys are so much gayer than the Backstreet Boys!!"
-5/13

Re. Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" on a jukebox:
"This song goes on forever, and I'm so not sorry for playing it."
-5/13

"I'm like, 'For all I know, there are, like, tulips growing out of that toilet,' and they're like, 'Yeah, red ones!!'"
-5/13

"Goose!!...He's wrong, Tom Cruise is a total goose!!"
-5/13

"Look at all these ducks and geese. They're all fucked-up. They're just like anyone in Spokane."
-5/13

A: "It took me a long time to love her."
B: "She's a sweetheart, but she's an abomination."
-5/13

"Ummm...the best thing about Stella is her hatred of hands...which I will demonstrate now."
-5/13

"Holy cow, there you go!...Okey dope, take a nap."
-5/14

"Uh, would you be offended if I tossed this salad?"
-5/18

A: "Who does he look like?"
B: "Oooh...I don't know!"
A: "Give me a celebrity. You can choose one for looks and one for aura."
-5/20

"When I was first cast, I was all bummed out, 'cause I was like, 'Great, I'm playing a puppet!'-- and then when that happened I was like, 'Whatever! Pat me on the back! Playin' a role!' "
-5/22

"Oh my goodness gracious, I'm so relaxed!!"
-5/25

"I have a soft spot for acrobat families."
-5/30

Re. coffee:
"This is really strong. I'm gonna be wired. (pause:) Maybe I'll clean the kitchen!"
-5/31

Re. the difference between an affair and a fling, and if being on vacation is a mitigating factor:
A: "I don't know. How long is the vacation?"
B: "A week."
A: "I believe that's technically called 'Getting Your Groove Back'."
-5/31