January 2010

"Is that Sally Bowles? Or is that Adam Lambert?"
-1/1

"She's fucking gross. (beat:) Like, there are STDs named after her."
-1/3

A: "I stayed up all night having sex with [Name Expunged]."
B: "No wonder you didn't want to go on the Teacups."
-1/3

A: "She loves Jesus."
B: "Ah...more mangers than Jesus."
-1/7

"I want to throw my panties at her just because she doesn't like it."
-1/22

Re. a new hippie acquiantance:
"Within five minutes he was talkin' about Burning Man."
-1/27

October 2008

"Navy is really dark."
-10/3

"Hello, remember when we tried to walk home from downtown Long Beach? You barfed on the sidewalk all the way home!"
-10/3

"That's like the time I threw up on the Pakistani fraternity!"
-10/3

"Was it racist in the way of, like, Australians?"
-10/3

Re. astrology:
A: "I'm pretty spot-on with my sign."
B: "I am too! I have a foot fetish with my own feet."
-10/3

A: "You are bossy."
B: (gasp:) "I am so bossy!"
-10/3

A: "I threw up in my rubber boat shoe the last time I had seafood."
B: "You have a rubber boat shoe?!"
-10/3

"It's scary as in (drops voice to a whisper:) gangs!"
-10/3

"I don't think I want a Narnia tattoo."
-10/4

"I have an old-timey collection of seashells."
-10/4

Male Boss A: "Do you ever read Jezebel?"
Male Boss B: "Am I a lady?"
-10/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i love greek food, therefore i love tom hanks
they go hand and hand
-10/16

Boss: "Let's bring back McCarthyism."
-10/22

"Nothing says '37-year-old gay man' like the Nissan Altima."
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: we can allow the word douche right
A: in comments
A: can we approve a coment
A: that sasys "Bill's a douche"
B: no douche!
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i was hiking and ran into some cows
i was kind of scared.
they're pretty big you know
and they were staring at me.
-10/24

A: "So excited about the sea dragons!"
B: "I'm so excited about this 22-year-old girl!"
-10/27

"...but I think he had a stroke. And he's young. (beat:) That made me happy. Real happy."
-10/31

"I suppose if anyone could have vegan flesh it would be Jesus."
-10/31

September 2008

"They are a family to whom God gave the wife a cast-iron uterus."
-9/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
I just typed this!!!
"do you think it is insensitive to have an ice cream social on sept. 11th?"
-9/2

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
you know, rescheduling this ice cream social means that the terrorists DID win\
-9/2

"Christmas is comin', and you know what that means! (beat:) Someone's gettin' cable!"
-9/2

"What??! They stole your boat and gave you a noodle?!?!"
-9/2

"I think you're ready for the leaking-fluid photo spot if you need it."
-9/3

"Baby Jesus is against shrimp-flavored crackers."
-9/3

Boss re. online video: "You want to listen to it again so you can hear the 'fuck it'?"
-9/3

"Arhhhhhh!, I missed Bob Dylan last night -- that's why the Lord put me to sleep!"
-9/4

"I don't want to eat pussy -- but I like hangin' out with ya!"
-9/6

"Star Wars boy -- one with the yarmulke? -- he may be coming."
-9/6

"Writing and sex are different!"
-9/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: by garden squirrel you mean the plastic one that was in your room that Django loves?
B: no, the other one, the one that used to hold my keys
-9/11

"Wait, it's a wedding and a basketball game?!"
-9/12

"It modulates the amplitude...right?"
-9/12

"He resembles a lot of mammals."
-9/16

"Oh my God I love those mug shots!"
-9/17

"There's nothing erotic about beer pong."
-9/17

"Sean is like the funnier, meaner, Richard Simmons."
-9/18

Boss: "Should I give this porn star money?"
-9/18

Boss: "Oohh! NFL's hottest Latino cheerleaders!"
-9/18

A: "Do you want to go to the breastmilk restaurant?"
-beat-
B: "Yeah, kinda!"
-9/18

Re. "extreme bocce":
A: "What makes it extreme?"
B: "Cactus."
-9/20

A: "He's probably just praisin' Jesus."
B: "He's about to invade Poland!"
-9/20

"He likes to look at cats he doesn't like!!"
-9/20

"You know, another way I don't want to die is to be mauled to death by a dog."
-9/22

Boss, re. coworker's child: "That was a pretty adorable fella, I gotta say. (beat:) No more abortions."
-9/23

Boss: "I want a midget and a juice machine."
-9/26

"All right -- well, if Kennedy doesn't die, someone's gonna have to answer to me."
-9/26

Boss to employee: "Are you a fan of vampires?"
-9/29

Boss: "When you have kids are you gonna take them to court?"
Employee: "What?!"
Boss: "I mean, church?"
-9/30

August 2008

Boss: "What was the drink I was going to drink?"
Peon: "Hemlock."
-beat-
Boss: "Thank you!"
-8/1

"You're still thinking about it. (beat:) Because I was thinking you had a mild case of Tourette's."
-8/12

"It's like Polarfleece for your lady parts."
-8/14

"They let skinheads in there, of course they're gonna let a penis in!"
-8/14

"You met Mo. She used to put sugar gliders in her boobs."
-8/14

"A giant penis. You know what that is to a baby?! A slide."
-8/14

"That's okay. But it doesn't make it Hawaiian, it makes it pork-lovin'!"
-8/15

"I had an ex-boyfriend who was Hawaiian, and his slang made me want to kill myself."
-8/15

"You know what?! You can't spill a baby, they'll die."
-8/15

"I would love to get your sperm in the mail."
-8/15

"Lindsay, please. (beat:) I always have paper."
-8/15

"A village fucks a baby."
-8/15

"I'm going to the bathroom with Pam because apparently I'm a woman."
-8/15

"I respect art when it goes balls-to-the-wall."
-8/15

"You know I will find a drag queen event to wear that to."
-8/15

"You looked at Disneyland with disdain and I was ready to brawl."
-8/15

"About Disney -- about transgendered people -- about everything."
-8/15

"I felt so much more comfortable with who I am when I found out I shared a birthday with [Ellen DeGeneres] and Eddie Van Halen."
-8/16

"I got written up for having a conversation with a customer about bestiality."
-8/16

"I love Pam. Pam changed me once."
-8/16

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
the puppets were SO scary
i don't care if they were singing about jesus or not!
-8/25

Boss, re. evolution: "Why are there still monkeys?"
-8/25

"Does Jesus mess with me about dating young girls? No. Therefore, he can hurricane whatever he wants."
-8/28

"I'm namin' my first son Dio."
-8/28

"You are so lucky he doesn't have an opposable thumb."
-8/29

"It shows what a fine line it is between finding a drinking buddy and committing manslaughter."
-8/31

April 2008

Boss, about a customer's outrage at an email: "I think it was the 'Best Regards' that sent him over the edge."
-4/1

"I think he is good. His mother stole my jacket, however."
-4/7

"This girl has had this cat for years. And this is the first time she's ever given it a bath?!"
-4/7

"Oh man, I've never seen somebody who loved sacrificing animals more than the Lord."
-4/9

Boss: "It is my job to redefine 'shitload'."
-4/9

"I like it, it looks like a retarded little robot over there?"
-4/10

"Okay, she didn't have a sex change operation. She had Lasik. (beat:) Same dif!"
-4/14

"This is workaholism. This is bordering on Japanese...type-behavior."
-4/14

"That's what I'm saying! He's had his beer, he's had his Vegas, he's a Muslim, and I'm going to hell."
-4/15

A: "She doesn't look like your type."
B: "Whaddya mean?!"
A: "She's a grownup!"
-4/17

"Turns out, it's not okay to pee on people at a party."
-4/17

Re. the political strategist:
"I love Carville. I took a leak with him at a wedding."
-4/18

"No matter how hard you try to organize things...the mice and the men bite you in the ass."
-4/21

Singing:
"Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing, Jesus loves me, la la la!"
-4/22

"I love you for your mind, stripper-girl."
-4/23

A: "How did this happen?!"
B: "I don't know, Asians love a good deal!"
-4/26

"That was probably the low point of my life...my hand in that cat box."
-4/26

"So far I'm thinking python, dolphin, priest...not necessarily in that order, but..."
-4/28

A: "Who finds a giant inflatable pig and throws it away?!"
B: "Old people."
-4/29

A: "I've never loved a girl more than I love this stripper."
B: "Really?!"
A: "No."
-4/30

December 2007

"Here's the problem...they're not particularly attractive."
-12/3

"Yeah, I'm a big fan of the basics, you know? Caramel, fudge..."
-12/4

"I hope she coughs up some blood!"
-12/5

A: "Just stand there and look cute."
B: "Okay, can I pee first?"
-12/7

A: "Nuns don't get kissed."
B: "Sure they do."
A: "By Jesus!"
-12/9

Re. onion soup:
A: "Would it have that creamy stuff on top?"
B: "Cheese?"
-beat-
A: "Yeah."
-12/13

A: "There's the Goodyear blimp!"
B: "Indeed."
A: "Let's fuck with it!"
-12/15

"I do not like my Christmas music to be about Jesus!"
-12/17

"It's not that it's bad. It's just that it tastes like when I vomit...it up."
-12/18

"What?! He is a walking STD, just look at his goatee!"
-12/18

A: "He's like the bastard child of Prince and Carmen Electra."
B: "So he married his mom?"
-12/18

"Lindsay, these dogs are wack. I mean, the left and the right."
-12/18

"I mean, they're separate but unified in their wackness."
-12/18

"I know a good mambo and a good shaman, and they can fix it right up."
-12/18

"He's sweet when you restrain him."
-12/18

"Check it out! Doesn't it look like...Werewolf Leg?"
-12/18

"I didn't mean to say you're retarded...I just didn't understand how intense it was."
-12/18

"Oh, man!! This guy's a goldmine of douchebaggery!"
-12/19

An instant message chat transcript excerpt:
So you're looking for books, I'm looking for chainsaws
we are the PERFECT shopping buddies!!!!!
-12/21

A: "...So you brought over to this apartment Boggle, a roll of toilet paper, mushrooms and a Christmas stocking?"
B: "Mmm hmm...and vanilla."
-12/21

"If I see My Little Ponies in your possession I will flip out."
-12/22

"I guess you don't get much more casual than cuttin' mushrooms in your underwear."
-12/25

"I love that song!...I like songs that sound like trains."
-12/25

"So P.S., there are no toe socks in all of Los Angeles."
-12/25

A: "His hands are, like, immaculate."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah. The man moisturizes."
-12/31

October 2007

Re. online jeans shopping:
"These cheap Monday skinnies are not unisex!"
-10/5

"She's in Dubai?!...it's like the Amelie dwarf!"
-10/5

"Sounds like the Chipmunks in a swordfight!"
-10/5

"Oh my gosh!...rapping robots started a fight!"
-10/5

"Crap!...here I am drunk, trying to explain physics."
-10/6

Re. office holiday party:
"You go in there...you've got that gift exchange. It's like you're walking into a funeral."
-10/9

A: "I think it's just something she likes to do when she's bored."
B: "Wheeze?"
A: "Hack."
-10/12

"...and in my head I was like, 'Oh my God, we just broke up in my head.'"
-10/13

On phone:
A (Pacific time): "It's very late there."
B (Eastern time): "Yes, and I have to get up for my trapeze class in the morning."
-10/13

"Eating this fruit without looking at it is so much easier."
-10/14

"She's like...a nonfunny Margaret Cho."
-10/17

"His opinions and values are the lowest common denominator of humanity...I'd love to stomp him in a street fight!"
-10/17

"Come closer...I'm gonna fuck you up!"
-10/17

A: "I love that...walls breathing."
B: "I've had enough of walls breathing!"
-10/17

"...he sent out a MySpace thing, and it was Jesus doing a beer bong, and I was like, 'That's not really classy.'"
-10/18

"...very tall girls with a country attitude-- that's what I saw."
-10/18

Re. heating bill:
"I mean, that's what I was thinking about, I wasn't thinking about...cocks."
-10/19

A: "Oh my God! I might have to break up with Courtney!"
B: "What?"
A: "India.Arie."
-10/19

"It's like breakin' the fourth wall...in sculpture."
-10/19

A: "Is that the creepy gnome?"
B: "The one that looks like it's masturbating?"
A: (nods)
B: "Yeah."
-10/19

"That girl consumed more ranch than anyone I've ever seen!"
-10/19

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...is this Seal?!"
-10/19

"...but if I was a teacher I would have to wear chunky jewelry!"
-10/19

"Cybill Shepherd is a poor man's Murphy Brown!"
-10/20

"Can I say something funny about meth?"
-10/20

"You cannot tell if an Asian lesbian is a guy or a girl."
-10/20

"Awww, well he thinks it's cute, but I think it's disgusting!"
-10/20

"Okay, why the F would you even consider putting breastmilk in your coffee?!"
-10/21

A: "So is she like a serious top?"
B: "No, more like a kid in a candy store."
-10/21

"Bubble's in Parliament, y'all!"
-10/21

"Hey! You know what?! You get the Little Rascals out of your head!"
-10/22

"Eww...poop goes in the toilet, an outhouse or on the ground!"
-10/24

"I don't think they were actual lesbians...they were just old ladies."
-10/24

"I can't believe you pantsed your date. Who does that?!"
-10/24

"Lindsay, it's too early. If I can't think about the D-Zone I can't think about abortion."
-10/27

"Yeah, he does kinda look like Jake...but only if Jake was more Asian."
-10/27

"I had to throw that penis in 'cause everyone else was."
-10/28

"...I mean, they're just tiny people...it's not like their penis has gangrene or something."
-10/28

September 2007

“That room was just a death trap, apparently…a purple death trap.”
-9/3

“Ohh, let’s not quibble about why the soccer ball was on fire…”
-9/4

“You don’t mess with Jesus and get on an airplane.”
-9/6

“It's not like 'I'm large and in charge', but it's like, 'I'm strangely shaped'.”
-9/7

"She's one of the more deformed...I mean, there are a lot of deformed people that work at the L.A. Times...”
-9/7

"I mean, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, that she's mentally ill-- she was so weird-- if she isn’t mentally ill, that's worse.”
-9/7

A: “Pierre is good, though?”
B: “Oh, he’s very good…he smells like maple syrup.”
-9/8

“…Like, the wife from The Commish, shoppin’ at Goodwill, bein’ all weird.”
-9/8

Re. “Midnight Train to Georgia”:
A: “This song reminds me of Designing Women.”
B: “Oh my God, that show was wack! That shit is weird!”
-9/8

A: "Is your grandma from the South?"
B: "No, she kept a big knife in the kitchen of her bar."
-9/11

"Right now, Mars is in Uranus. (laughter from coworkers:) Hey, I didn't name the planets. I would have stuck with, like, Pluto... and all the other Disney characters."
-9/13

A: “What is that?”
B: “I don't know! It's just my...animal face.”
-9/19

JENEAN: “I’m such a homophobe!”
-9/20

“I want to see some of these mariachi pants you found online!”
-9/20

“It was imperative that I lose right then…I’m blaming it on the Pringles and bratwurst.”
-9/22

“I think you’re insane and I think I love you…and I think I just died.”
-9/22

“You’re right. A gay son is the new purse dog.”
-9/24

Re. foreign DVD:
“Is it porn?…Is it sports?”
-9/24

“He is ejaculating all over that billboard and it sickens me!”
-9/25

“Michelle is involved?!...she's just an octopus!”
-9/26

A: “The Love Fest and the Gay Nudie Fest are both going on this weekend.”
B: “Ooohh!…when’s the Bluegrass Festival?”
-9/27

“Babies should be fat! I don’t trust a skinny baby.”
-9/27

“No, I thought that cart was a big fat clown!”
-9/27

“I’m not sure what’s happening but it looks like two of the dudes from Los Lobos are out there with some watermelons!”
-9/30

“Yeah…you’re gonna have fun with that MRI machine!”
-9/30

“And he’s ripped…not Carrot Top-ripped, but ripped.”
-9/30

“You are Harold and Kumar put together!”
-9/30

“Awww, you’re like…a hidden Japanese!”
-9/30

“I feel like that’s cheating, like, you’re even and prime…but you’re two.”
-9/30

“Your hair’s lovely…it’s…theatrical!”
-9/30

August 2007

"…and, honestly, I don't give a shit about the word 'ergo'."
-8/1

A: "Neil looks gayer than usual!"
B: "Yeah he does…he looks like Lurch!"
-8/2

"Lately he's been staying upstairs…I don't know why, it's so hot up there. (beat:) I think he's going insane."
-8/2

"That's gonna be my start -- save up, I'm gonna get that bra."
-8/2

A: "Wait, how come he doesn't speak English?"
B: "Because he's foreign."
-8/2

"…one girl was like, 'I'd scrape that shit off and put it on your pillowcase', and I was like, 'I don't want to be your roommate!'"
-8/2

"Maybe he's embarrassed to be a cat, and he wants to be a human, so when no one's around he's all, 'Hey, rub my pecs.'"
-8/2

Triumphantly:
"So maybe that's what he's repressing -- not his emotions but his gayness!!"
-8/2

"…and you're like, 'Oh, that dude just plays the accordion', but really he's fuckin' some guy in the bathroom."
-8/2

A: "What are you talking about?"
B: "Your obtrusive burp…on my coughing escapade."
-8/2

"I'm sure there are some respectable women who are hookers."
-8/2

A: "Did we just get scared by some rustlin'??"
B: "Yeah, and that fuckin' human-dog!"
-8/2

"I think it's a city story. (beat:) Wait, what were we talking about again?"
-8/2

A: "At least she doesn't have a fountain!"
B: "A hippie fountain!"
A: "A hippie fountain with lasers in it!"
-8/2

A: "Is he retarded?"
B: "No."
A: "Is he old?"
B: "No. He's from New York."
-8/2

"I was just trying to inject a little levity…cervix it is!"
-8/2

"How did nature create a bird that looks like that?! That's just off the hook."
-8/3

A: "Are you okay?"
B: "No…I need candy or Tums."
-8/7

Re. comparing cats to countries:
"And Keelo, 'cause he runs away, could be -- what's a pussy nation? France."
-8/8

A: "Is he gonna be gay?"
B: "No, he's an Aries."
-8/12

A: "Bacon has nothing your body can use."
B: "Yeah, I know -- let's just stop talking about it!"
-8/12

"I'm so excited about this, I feel like I'm gonna barf nachos in like thirty minutes."
-8/12

"…It's fucked up. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? It's wrong."
-8/12

A: "What's your beef with Hostel all of a sudden?"
B: "Ehh…I watched it."
-8/13

Awkward intern guy, upon being asked 'How was your weekend?': "My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting…"
-8/14

Re. Mary Murphy of "So You Think You Can Dance":
"Do you think when they were casting this they said, 'Are you as retarded as Paula Abdul?' 'Yes.' 'You're hired'?"
-8/16

A: "She looks like she should be on top of a cake in that outfit."
-beat-
B: "Or poppin' out of one."
-8/16

Re. "Knock On Wood":
"This song reminds me of Judge Judy."
-8/16

"Hold on. Was he the white guy that was all…weird?"
-8/16

Defensively:
"I'm not Boner and Balls!!"
-8/16

A: "You like Boner though?"
B: "Yeah, Boner's strong."
-8/16

"Totally!! There's gay cycling over there!! I'm all about it."
-8/16

"Wait, what were we talking about before I so rudely…tripped?"
-8/16

A: "She took lemons and made lemonade."
B: "It took her two days."
-beat-
A: "She broke her toe."
-8/17

A: "I dick around all the time online."
B: "Right, so wouldn't you like to have something quality to do online?"
-8/17

"Yeah, it was like a python spitting up large eggs -- that's what I pictured."
-8/17

A: "I used to take trampolining classes in high school."
B: "What?!"
-8/17

"I'll be back (points at beer:) -- no roofies."
-8/17

"Yeah, it's like a -- it's like a shiny hot dog."
-8/17

"…like, she's beautiful, like I want to hang her on my wall as a picture…like, her skin…ewww!"
-8/17

"Wow, you wear that like a…badge you shouldn't wear."
-8/17

"Who with eyeballs would be like, 'Yeah, this is for me'?"
-8/17

"No offense, but I hope you die."
-8/17

Re. "Hairspray":
"I think it's better than Chicago because -- aside from the segregation -- it's a really happy movie!"
-8/18

A: "Did you call me, Rob?"
B: "No."
A: "What can I do for you?"
B: "Nothing."
-8/18

"Is that a hookah or a lamp?"
-8/18

"They're lesbians…they're very nice though! (pause:) I shouldn't say 'though'."
-8/18

"There was one guy who looked like Jesus…but like a warrior Gandalf Jesus?"
-8/18

"So imagine a homeless crazy person…as a squirrel."
-8/18

"P.S. Did I tell you I decided I like gumbo?"
-8/18

"When I look back all I remember is him whining…and stepping on my breasts."
-8/19

"He's just tedious…like the Mad Hatter."
-8/19

"Come on! Sex is funny, and combined with my cat it's double funny!"
-8/19

"Well, either way this is great news for Bill Clinton!"
-8/22

A: "Can I tell you a story?"
B: "Please do."
A: "Well, it's not as fun…but it's about my medication?"
-8/22

"There's a tremendous power in not caring, you know?"
-8/23

A: "What's that over there?"
B: "I don't know…I can see some Om symbols and a lot of bling."
-8/23

Boss on phone: "Well…guess who one of them was?! Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was!"
-8/28

"The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!"
-8/28

"(Gasp:) A wizard fight?!?"
-8/29

A: "So her mom and who are going to be over there?"
B: "Her grandma."
A: "Oh my God!!"
-8/31

"He's like a real-life imaginary thing!!"
-8/31

"…'cause he's gonna be a big douche -- sorry, Grandma."
-8/31

GRANDKID: "I'm sorry Grandma, this is all gossip!"
GRANDMA: "That's why I'm listening."
-8/31

"It's not like you're adding razzle-dazzle, you're adding shit to your burrito!"
-8/31

A: "It's, like, the weirdest matchup ever."
B: "I know."
A: "…Except for the hippo and the alligator in Fantasia."
-8/31

June 2007

"There's a certain amount of kitsch value to country music -- that's what I love about it. But it's not all chicken dance and lovin' your cousins!"
-6/1

"He's already moshing on a couch...shit!"
-6/2

A: "We should start a punk mandolin band."
-beat-
B: "We'd need an accordian player."
-6/3

"No...that's totally cheesy. That's like having a sports bar."
-6/3

"Try to find something new to make me rage about. I can't handle the McGriddle anymore."
-6/5

"Why would Tinkerbell be in her butt?!...Why?!"
-6/5

"Are you at a stopping point? Because I have something to report about my smelly feet."
-6/6

"It doesn't smell like sweaty feet! It smells like popcorn!"
-6/6

A: "I used to live on a dairy."
B: "Really?"
A: "Well...yes and no."
-6/8

(Contented sigh:) "There's something about chemicals...or sunshine!"
-6/8

"Yeah, every summer it was someone I knew havin' to pee on themselves."
-6/8

"I had a nap...I had a gallon of iced tea...I need to get a melon today!!"
-6/9

A: "Will Banerbird and Stegosaurus be okay with the tangerine?"
B: "I don't know about Stegosaurus, but the devil will!"
-6/9

A: "Yeah, I don't know why he doesn't like you."
B: "I don't either! I've been fuckin' playin' nice with that motherfucker!"
-6/9

(On phone:) "What if he left your mom for a black woman?"
-6/9

"I looked as close to shit as I could have...without being hung over!"
-6/9

"Isn't this awesome?! It's so, like, Taylor Dayne...but disco."
-6/9

A: "You're not superstitious, are you?"
B: "Yeah -- but look at this shovel."
-6/10

A: "Can you count really quick?"
B: "I can -- not autistic quick, but I can count pretty quick."
-6/10

"Not only do I have Rent-a-Baby, but I get paid to rent a baby."
-6/11

"I'm so excited about my new organized bag!!"
-6/11

"I think I'm, like, equally excited about my woman-wallet."
-6/11

"I'm sorry, Christina Aguilera can sang, with an A!"
-6/13

"No, it's okay -- I was thinking of how to apologize for my yoga."
-6/13

A: "Yeah, I hate that bitch!"
B: "Yeah...but I can't be mean because she's an old hag!"
-6/13

A (reading aloud): " 'The next day it was official: I had a man who loved me. I was filled with excitement, from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. It was as if a part of me that had been missing had been found.' "
B: "Is it Jesus?"
A: "No. Mike Tyson."
-6/15

"I feel, like, how dorks feel when they first find out about Lord of the Rings."
-6/18

"...So now I have to expand my imaginary pets to include Nomi Malone and my miniature donkey Aaron Neville."
-6/18

"So, between Tanya Tucker and Aaron Neville it was an hour of my life waiting to see what the donkey of my dreams looks like."
-6/18

"It's because they're self-contained! Sandwiches and tacos! I love it."
-6/18

"Ooohh! Look at Mrs. Peacock...she's fuckin' refined!"
-6/19

"I mean, if they have enough time to walk around on stilts, they gotta be gay, right?"
-6/19

"She's such a loser -- I love her!"
-6/19

A: "So maybe people will befriend me!"
B: "Yeah. But you won't get any."
A: "GOOD!"
-6/19

A: "These Wavy Lays are a hit!"
B: "I know, I need them in my life!"
-6/19

"Why did that come in a package, is it full of, like, heroin?"
-6/19

"The first thing he did was bite me, that's how I knew...he was my dog."
-6/19

"Those are my memories of New York. Pubes and room service."
-6/19

Re. Professor Plum:
A: "He is an intellectual."
B: "An intellectual Mary. Bottom."
-6/19

"I'm not of any Celtic descent...but I liked the kilt, 'cause it allowed me to get in fights."
-6/20

Re. iguana:
"As much as he creeps me out...he fascinates me."
-6/21

"For a while, my brother had a side business of selling reptiles. I never saw one...I guess I would always visit in between lizards."
-6/21

"I'm eating a donut! Please don't show me that dog."
-6/22

"It's hard to find a donkey that's not centered, with room for a fish."
-6/22

A: "How are those casseroles coming?"
B: "They're gonna be fuckin' crazy, man!"
-6/22

A: "Eat the watermelon!"
B: "I'm not eatin' the fuckin' watermelon!"
-6/22

"I could make a bow and arrow from scratch...and not just a rinky-dink bow and arrow, one you could actually kill things with."
-6/22

A (incredulously): "He was muscle-y?!"
B: "He's gay."
-6/23

A: "They weren't nuns, they were teachers!"
B: "Same thing...ladies hangin' out."
-6/23

"Like, why?! What did you do to make her so mad that she made you put away her vegetable peeler?"
-6/23

"Oh my God, she's an unknowing Scientologist!"
-6/23

"You titillate the Japanese in me when you get miniature stuff."
-6/23

"Ohhh, I would be all over that shit!...in theory."
-6/23

"I actually think, in a way, Thomas Paine was just a big asshole."
-6/23

"Ooohh! I love sheet protectors! I used to buy them in bulk."
-6/23

"Yeah. Opaque. 'Cause it's classier."
-6/23

"I used to love the Costco stationery center. I would just go and stare."
-6/23

"That's the name of the game to me, is 'My Hands Hurt And People Are Laughing At Me'."
-6/23

"I think we're raving about it because we had such low expectations, you know?"
-6/23

Excitedly:
"Oh man - I can see a tractor from here!"
-6/24

"I think if I had one more drink I could wake up in a ditch...in Thailand."
-6/24

"Okay -- so one's a Jedi knight and one's Darth Vader...they're the same, you know?"
-6/24

A: "Do you want a flashlight pen?"
B: "Why do you ask?"
A: "...Just curious."
-6/25

Coworker shouting across office: "Tim, Iraq still isn't over, do you want me to wait or cut and paste?"
-6/27

"We had a really cool Homecoming assembly -- I transcribed the choreography to Captain EO."
-6/27

"Oh. My. God. Warmy is, like, lighting me on fire."
-6/28

"I don't like Winchell's. (thoughtful pause:) No...out of all the donut places in the world, Winchell's is my second favorite."
-6/30

"Honey, I wasn't lookin' for pot -- I'm talkin' about segregation!"
-6/30

July 2006

"Do you need anything from my Apt.? No. The answer is no, unless what you need is soymilk...or a hamster."
-7/2

A: "What's that? Bibi slash?"
B: "No, get-well-soon pen."
-7/3

"Jenean, you work in Brentwood, can you explain the appeal of clogs?"
-7/3

"Thank you Jesus for not fucking me over."
-7/3

"Just use a goddamn O.B. -- I'll put it in for you."
-7/8

A: "Did you Google 'defiant kitten'?"
B: "Yes. And we found CKS -- Crazy Kitten Syndrome."
-7/15

Jenean: "I hate roommates! I'm glad I have Lindsay."
-7/15

"Man, these guys are fast! It's like having a conversation with an old person!"
-7/15

"Yeah. Well, I've already seen Eddie Izzard. Not that I wouldn't watch it again, but I'd be more excited to watch Hitler."
-7/16

"She's cute. I wish she was a puppy sometimes so we could get her clothes."
-7/18

March 2006

A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-3/1

"It's time. It's time. I'm 24, it's time to wear some shorts."
-3/1

Re. Flea the cat:
"Doesn't he look like a human inside of his face sometimes?"
-3/1

A: "How was your day, lady?"
B: "It was fine. I got assloads of little coffee cakes, though."
-3/3

"A smile and a good attitude is all you're bringin'...I have sunscreen."
-3/4

"It looks like ringworm, but I think it's just...that he attacked his nipple."
-3/5

"It's really overdoing it. It's like an SNL skit now."
-3/5

"I can smell the Febreze from here! Jesus...it's like living with David again."
-3/6

After finishing phone call with customer:
"Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!"
-3/6

"I think I need to experiment with different types of necklines."
-3/7

"Well, the point is...they wear unitards and helmets and do karate moves."
-3/7

A: "He wouldn't call you retarded."
B: "He might, Lindsay, he might. He's an awful man. (reflective pause:) No. Not really...just Asian."
-3/7

"They're such a great couple! Talk about nonmonogamy."
-3/9

"Oh my God I want this t-shirt so bad! Look at it...a hot dog high-fiving mustard!"
-3/9

"If this is hell it's pretty sweet!"
-3/10

"Educational building toy my foot! You just want to make a pirate castle."
-3/10

"No toys? That's really sad...what about Lego?"
-3/10

In a singsong voice, while looking out the window:
"Who wants to see a rainbow?...Pam?"
-3/10

"Nothing is sacred. Not Jesus, not babies, nothing."
-3/10

A: "If I had a ping-pong table would you play with me?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Do you think we'd get really good?"
B: "Yeah, we'd be like Asians!"
-3/10

"Well, the Chinese are amazing at everything...they're like Nazis!"
-3/10

A: "Sarah'd be happy. You would be happy. And Jon would be happy."
B: "It's true. We'd be like polygamists without the sex."
-3/10

A: "He's like the Gallagher boy."
B: "Liam?"
A: "I don't know. Either one that sucks."
-3/11

"Well, he did like the Cake-a-Walk, but he wouldn't like Lady of the Lake because he has prejudice in his heart."
-3/12

"I'm so relieved. I took my car to Jiffy Lube this morning. It needed coolant. It needed to chill."
-3/13

Lunatic coworker: "If Kathy has a BlackBerry, then that means I should have a BlackBerry."
-3/13

A: "I don't sleep soundly at all."
B: "Oh, man...you should join the Army."
-3/13

"Our first order of business is to write a lesbo movie that doesn't suck."
-3/14

"Are you mocking me with your nostrils?"
-3/16

"It's too hot. When it burns your diaphragm, it's too hot."
-3/18

Re. a suspected lesbian:
"She had volleyball written all over her."
-3/18

Re. Stevie Wonder presenting an award to R. Kelly:
"It's like, 'Stevie Wonder! Of course you're presenting him with an award, you've never seen him!"
-3/19

"I was like, 'What-eva!', and I pooped! I can do what I want!"
-3/20

A: "What was the Word of the Day yesterday?"
B (pause): "You mean from Dictionary.com?"
A: "Yeah."
B: "Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails."
A: "Oh, I don't either. I just wanted to know what it was."
-3/21

"She looks like she's drunk or on drugs or something. Maybe it's the weight of her bangs holding down her eyelid."
-3/21

"...and he's wearing white shoes, where is he, Florida?!"
-3/21

A: "She may have become a nun."
B: "Seriously?"
A: "That's what I've heard."
-beat-
B: "That would explain why she's not on MySpace."
-3/23

A hands B a paper clip bent into the shape of a heart.
B: "Thank you! I will treasure it."
A: "No -- use it as a weapon."
B: "I will treasure it and use it as a weapon."
-3/24

"I know Lindsay is all about the trivia...but I don't think we'll ever get her inside a Hooters!"
-3/24

A: "Like I don't want to be there?! To see my mom get married?! She birthed me!...you know."
B: "I know."
-3/25

"I've been having a really hard time telling middle-aged white men apart lately?"
-3/25

"...Also, another gay thing about the terrier? The terrier has Seasonal Affective Disorder."
-3/25

"Wait, we talk about Teri Hatcher, we just don't talk about how her eyelids look like labia."
-3/25

"...so it was fun, I had some wine and a Percoset...and watched The Goonies."
-3/26

"My grandmother used to say, 'Eat through the pain,' but she was a very large woman."
-3/27

"You know what? Sometimes, I would kill for chopped liver."
-3/27

"...So I'm broke, but I have a dog with short toenails!"
-3/27

"I'm happy to announce that we have an assortment of muffins here."
-3/28

Disgustedly, while looking at an accounting report:
"Is that still that Mendelsohn/Zien shit penny sittin' in there?!"
-3/28

A: "Do you crave fatty foods at that time of the month?"
B: "I pretty much crave food all the time."
A: "Really? That's cool."
-3/28

“It’s weird having a wife! I wanted to stay up and go on the internet, but I had to go to bed.”
-3/28

Re. Belle & Sebastian:
"The songs would be so much better if they were sung by someone who had some balls...or a lady."
-3/28

"Sometimes you do bad things and you feel good about it."
-3/31

July 2005

"Is that Jesus, or is that just a guy?"
-7/15

Man on cell in Sea-Tac passenger pickup area: "Jimmy said he saw you the other day...where you goin'? You ain't goin' to Costa Rica!"
-7/21

Outraged hippie to child: "I was not wearing flip-flops! I was barefoot, man, I wasn't wearing any shoes at all!"
-7/21

"I think I finally learned, like, for realsies, how to inhale."
-7/21

"I'm used to strange vehicles that are tearing through the desert, and sometimes sleeping in, because my mother is a gypsy."
-7/21

"It was a nonstop Reggaeton-fest. You're not in Chile anymore! Just accept it."
-7/21

A: (gasp) "Pam! I forgot you were the back-popping goddess!"
B: "Ladies! Change your tampons!"
C: "You're sitting on my tampon!"
-7/21

"I can show you a horrible picture. (gasp:) No, I can show you a good picture!"
-7/21

A: "Are we still talking about a straw?"
B: "Yes! We are talking about a straw and its wrapper!!"
-7/21

"Ooohh...me likee Sangria on a Sunday morning."
-7/21

"I think I'm gonna take another hit and play Zelda."
-7/22

Re. Zelda:
"Sometimes I wish I lived in this world...except that fucking owl!!"
-7/22

"Wait, the collective Mecca...Whole Foods!"
-7/24

"I haven't played in a fort for a long time. We should make one. And then play Guess Who."
-7/24

"It's just...a whole array of ill-fitting jeans...you know?"
-7/24

"No way! We used to rough up our animals and that's why they're all submissive."
-7/24

"But why is it 'Jimmy'? Is it, like, 'Jimmy crack corn and I don't care, mothafucka'??"
-7/24

"Raspy is the new cleavage!"
-7/24

"These earrings are crazy...they're like death-weapons!"
-7/24

A: "You've been to the Grove before."
B: "What is it?"
-beat-
A: "It's a fantasyland."
-7/24

Re. a broken giant pen:
"Lindsay, this is the highest thing ever...I don't know what to do!"
-7/24

Re. giant pen:
A: "Lindsay, I don't know what to do about this!"
B: "Just stick the spring in there and forget about it."
-7/24

A: "So you're saying an outside source is better?"
-really long pause-
B: "Yes."
-really long pause-
A: "Wait, what's an outside source again?"
-7/24

"I know, I'm super-pissed!!...but, I already have my shoes on, I just realized!"
-7/24

"Does this shirt make me look more high?"
-7/24

"Lindsay, stop freakin' out! Holding my arm like a bloody bitch ain't gonna help!"
-7/24

"Whoa, is that a dog, or is that a person?...looks like a monkey!"
-7/24

"Lindsay, is that a dog or a fire hydrant?!?"
-7/24

A: "I just realized there were tampons in the candle holder!"
B: "Next to the kazoo!"
-7/24

A: "Can't I wear my sunglasses in the store?"
B: "No."
-really long pause-
A: "Damn!"
-7/24

After trying unsuccessfully to put a key in a keyhole:
"Those anti-drug commercials are so true!!"
-7/24

"I feel like I'm the Rain Man...and you're Tom Cruise."
-7/24

"...like, it's still Proper Pam...but with weed!"
-7/24

"We can be funny but...that ain't no rock!"
-7/24

Re. cauliflower:
A: "Do you think this is still good?"
B: "No."
A: "Why?"
B: " 'Cause it fell on the floor."
-pause-
A: "Hmmm." (sets cauliflower floret on table)
-7/24

"He looks like he's trying to run with every inch of his life!...that makes sense...right?"
-7/24

"What's this word?...'R-I-R-E'?...Nine!!"
-7/24

"Please, please help me...I want some gyoza!"
-7/24

A: "I got the thoughts and you got the..."
-pause-
B: "Words?"
-7/24

A: "I'm so excited right now!"
-pause-
B: "I can't stop grabbing my breast."
-7/24

Woman in bookstore, excitedly: "Cat On a Hot Tin Roof!! (pause -- then, disappointed:) Ohhhh, it's the play."
-7/28