January 2010

"Is that Sally Bowles? Or is that Adam Lambert?"
-1/1

"She's fucking gross. (beat:) Like, there are STDs named after her."
-1/3

A: "I stayed up all night having sex with [Name Expunged]."
B: "No wonder you didn't want to go on the Teacups."
-1/3

A: "She loves Jesus."
B: "Ah...more mangers than Jesus."
-1/7

"I want to throw my panties at her just because she doesn't like it."
-1/22

Re. a new hippie acquiantance:
"Within five minutes he was talkin' about Burning Man."
-1/27

August 2009

A: "Are they hippie bells?"
B: "Sorta...I think they're Tibetan."
-8/1

"Well, I do know where you live...and I want to see your rat run around in that ball."
-8/3

Boss: "Ooohh!...It's National Breastfeeding Month!"
-8/5

"Oh shit! I forgot to read the Bible yesterday!"
-8/24

Boss, on inventing a fake obituary for himself: "Wouldn't that be great? Racist, hateful...a little dirty..."
-8/27

May 2009

"Their panties are like sweatpants for your vagina."

-5/3

"It's the whole 'lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.' (beat:) I hate Usher, but that was wise."

-5/3

Boss: "Thank you for allowing me to panic with you this afternoon."
-5/8

"Do you know what Rhode Island is known for? Their seafood, seashore and costume jewelry."
-5/13

Boss: "I learned about sausages this morning."
-5/13

Boss: "Can I get back to you? I'm in the middle of a Twitter emergency."
-5/15

A: "Are you a hippie?"
B: "No, but I do prefer going barefoot."
-5/18

A: "Did you vote last night?"
B: "Yeah, I actually voted for some of the propositions."
--beat--
A: "No, I mean for Idol!"
-5/20

"I'm not worried about the Bacon Beat."
-5/20

"Hey, I like bacon and maple syrup as much as the next guy, but not with alcohol."
-5/20

"Isn't this great? You can do your own dental work now!"
-5/20

"He kinda looks like a seal with a headdress."

-5/20

"It's hard to hate a guy that's so nice...but it's not impossible."
-5/22

"A hug from behind's fine, but, like...a linger from behind?"

-5/24

"Come on, California. How am I ever supposed to have forbidden pre- or extra-marital sex? Give me some 'marital' to work with."
-5/27

"Who do I really hate? Do I hate anyone here? (beat:) Oh, crap! I forgot to call Joe back!"

August 2007

"…and, honestly, I don't give a shit about the word 'ergo'."
-8/1

A: "Neil looks gayer than usual!"
B: "Yeah he does…he looks like Lurch!"
-8/2

"Lately he's been staying upstairs…I don't know why, it's so hot up there. (beat:) I think he's going insane."
-8/2

"That's gonna be my start -- save up, I'm gonna get that bra."
-8/2

A: "Wait, how come he doesn't speak English?"
B: "Because he's foreign."
-8/2

"…one girl was like, 'I'd scrape that shit off and put it on your pillowcase', and I was like, 'I don't want to be your roommate!'"
-8/2

"Maybe he's embarrassed to be a cat, and he wants to be a human, so when no one's around he's all, 'Hey, rub my pecs.'"
-8/2

Triumphantly:
"So maybe that's what he's repressing -- not his emotions but his gayness!!"
-8/2

"…and you're like, 'Oh, that dude just plays the accordion', but really he's fuckin' some guy in the bathroom."
-8/2

A: "What are you talking about?"
B: "Your obtrusive burp…on my coughing escapade."
-8/2

"I'm sure there are some respectable women who are hookers."
-8/2

A: "Did we just get scared by some rustlin'??"
B: "Yeah, and that fuckin' human-dog!"
-8/2

"I think it's a city story. (beat:) Wait, what were we talking about again?"
-8/2

A: "At least she doesn't have a fountain!"
B: "A hippie fountain!"
A: "A hippie fountain with lasers in it!"
-8/2

A: "Is he retarded?"
B: "No."
A: "Is he old?"
B: "No. He's from New York."
-8/2

"I was just trying to inject a little levity…cervix it is!"
-8/2

"How did nature create a bird that looks like that?! That's just off the hook."
-8/3

A: "Are you okay?"
B: "No…I need candy or Tums."
-8/7

Re. comparing cats to countries:
"And Keelo, 'cause he runs away, could be -- what's a pussy nation? France."
-8/8

A: "Is he gonna be gay?"
B: "No, he's an Aries."
-8/12

A: "Bacon has nothing your body can use."
B: "Yeah, I know -- let's just stop talking about it!"
-8/12

"I'm so excited about this, I feel like I'm gonna barf nachos in like thirty minutes."
-8/12

"…It's fucked up. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? It's wrong."
-8/12

A: "What's your beef with Hostel all of a sudden?"
B: "Ehh…I watched it."
-8/13

Awkward intern guy, upon being asked 'How was your weekend?': "My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting…"
-8/14

Re. Mary Murphy of "So You Think You Can Dance":
"Do you think when they were casting this they said, 'Are you as retarded as Paula Abdul?' 'Yes.' 'You're hired'?"
-8/16

A: "She looks like she should be on top of a cake in that outfit."
-beat-
B: "Or poppin' out of one."
-8/16

Re. "Knock On Wood":
"This song reminds me of Judge Judy."
-8/16

"Hold on. Was he the white guy that was all…weird?"
-8/16

Defensively:
"I'm not Boner and Balls!!"
-8/16

A: "You like Boner though?"
B: "Yeah, Boner's strong."
-8/16

"Totally!! There's gay cycling over there!! I'm all about it."
-8/16

"Wait, what were we talking about before I so rudely…tripped?"
-8/16

A: "She took lemons and made lemonade."
B: "It took her two days."
-beat-
A: "She broke her toe."
-8/17

A: "I dick around all the time online."
B: "Right, so wouldn't you like to have something quality to do online?"
-8/17

"Yeah, it was like a python spitting up large eggs -- that's what I pictured."
-8/17

A: "I used to take trampolining classes in high school."
B: "What?!"
-8/17

"I'll be back (points at beer:) -- no roofies."
-8/17

"Yeah, it's like a -- it's like a shiny hot dog."
-8/17

"…like, she's beautiful, like I want to hang her on my wall as a picture…like, her skin…ewww!"
-8/17

"Wow, you wear that like a…badge you shouldn't wear."
-8/17

"Who with eyeballs would be like, 'Yeah, this is for me'?"
-8/17

"No offense, but I hope you die."
-8/17

Re. "Hairspray":
"I think it's better than Chicago because -- aside from the segregation -- it's a really happy movie!"
-8/18

A: "Did you call me, Rob?"
B: "No."
A: "What can I do for you?"
B: "Nothing."
-8/18

"Is that a hookah or a lamp?"
-8/18

"They're lesbians…they're very nice though! (pause:) I shouldn't say 'though'."
-8/18

"There was one guy who looked like Jesus…but like a warrior Gandalf Jesus?"
-8/18

"So imagine a homeless crazy person…as a squirrel."
-8/18

"P.S. Did I tell you I decided I like gumbo?"
-8/18

"When I look back all I remember is him whining…and stepping on my breasts."
-8/19

"He's just tedious…like the Mad Hatter."
-8/19

"Come on! Sex is funny, and combined with my cat it's double funny!"
-8/19

"Well, either way this is great news for Bill Clinton!"
-8/22

A: "Can I tell you a story?"
B: "Please do."
A: "Well, it's not as fun…but it's about my medication?"
-8/22

"There's a tremendous power in not caring, you know?"
-8/23

A: "What's that over there?"
B: "I don't know…I can see some Om symbols and a lot of bling."
-8/23

Boss on phone: "Well…guess who one of them was?! Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was!"
-8/28

"The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!"
-8/28

"(Gasp:) A wizard fight?!?"
-8/29

A: "So her mom and who are going to be over there?"
B: "Her grandma."
A: "Oh my God!!"
-8/31

"He's like a real-life imaginary thing!!"
-8/31

"…'cause he's gonna be a big douche -- sorry, Grandma."
-8/31

GRANDKID: "I'm sorry Grandma, this is all gossip!"
GRANDMA: "That's why I'm listening."
-8/31

"It's not like you're adding razzle-dazzle, you're adding shit to your burrito!"
-8/31

A: "It's, like, the weirdest matchup ever."
B: "I know."
A: "…Except for the hippo and the alligator in Fantasia."
-8/31

May 2007

"So I'm realizing that small children are the vessels for my subconscious doubts and fears."
-5/1

Outraged Coworker: "What is bouncing this building?!?"
-5/1

"Come and talk to me, I'm in a bad neighborhood in my head."
-5/4

A: "Did you pee?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "How was it?"
B: "It was disgusting!"
A: "Did you hover?"
B: "Yeah, I hovered like I never hovered before!"
-5/6

A: "There's no way we're getting out of here without seeing the shack with the t-shirts!"
B: "Yeah...hello!"
-5/6

"Split pea soup is their, like, Statue of Liberty."
-5/6

"The only thing keeping you from being a full-on pothead is hand-eye coordination."
-5/6

"Squirt 'n curry...you can drink 'em both."
-5/6

"Lindsay, I have this theory that there are a lot of diabetic Irish people...like, because of all the potatoes."
-5/7

"Potatoes fuck you up!"
-5/7

A: "Well, you do hate gay people."
B: "It's true. I hate drag queens, I hate music..."
-5/7

"Aren't they incredible?! You know...it really does make you want an otter...for a friend."
-5/9

"Poor Paris...I'm starting to feel sorry for her in the way I started to feel sorry for Saddam Hussein."
-5/9

"What you're saying is it's more acceptable to like a calculating monster than a hot retard?"
-5/9

Boss on phone: "Oh my God, Mom, it was crazy! It was like...crazy gay gypsies or something."
-5/10

"I've been to a couple of weddings and a couple of rodeos, and I've never been to a wedding that didn't have cake!"
-5/12

"That has changed my life, that experience. I no longer want anything to do with cold and feet."
-5/13

"Well, I deal with crystaly okay...I have a yoga teacher and a Pilates teacher."
-5/13

"Hey Pam, my dad wants to write 'The Wonder Years' and 'Law & Order'."
-5/13

"Yeah -- that's good. I mean...there's a lot of weird stuff on TV."
-5/13

"I wish I was a lesbian. I'd get so much done! I don't think they sleep."
-5/14

"A lot of people thought Lincoln was a dick. But I love Lincoln!"
-5/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: they were dressed in outfits made of plastic bags.
B: like homeless people?
A: more like...nymphs??
-5/14

"I don't know what to do! It sucks! Because it's kind of itchy and hurty at the same time."
-5/14

"She says she has a tent we can borrow if we want. She says it's cool, nature's all up in her grill all the time...and she likes it."
-5/14

"It's nice though, it's not too out-of-control. I mean, it's not like rainforest-style or anything."
-5/14

"You may have hummed to yourself as a child, but you ain't goin' to no doll store now!"
-5/14

"Oh my God, you would be an awesome librarian!!"
-5/15

"Are you kidding?! That's hideous!! No one should be in a movie with Nicolas Cage!"
-5/15

"First of all, Tenny, I know you're not retarded. You're an excellent baker."
-5/16

"I always thought I'd be excited to see parrots in the wild. Not so much...it was kinda boring."
-5/16

Re. Jaslene being crowned America's Next Top Model:
"I can't...uuuurghh! I kinda want to barf on ANTM right now."
-5/16

"Sexton was pretty scary, but poop couch?!"
-5/16

"Sorry (shrug)...I was just trying to say we suck, that's all."
-5/16

"I'm just realizing right now that I have Rent-a-Baby!!"
-5/16

A: "He has a Hitchcock or Boris Yeltsin face?!"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "And he's an infant?!"
B: "Yeah!...that looks like an old man!"
-5/16

"...so he has a reasonably good chance of growing out of the Boris Yeltsin thing?"
-5/16

"You see 'Boobooski' and you think...oh...oh...is he a Ghostmeister?"
-5/16

"How can you --? You say 'David Spade' and all you can think of is his face and his hair!"
-5/16

"...it's kinda neat though, we have a common bond...gas issues."
-5/16

"It's very unprofessional, I think. Like, if you're an agent...and that's your ringtone...and you're not Latina?"
-5/16

Re. Paul Shaffer:
A: "He's a tool!"
B: "He's such a tool."
A: "He's like...the eraser on a pencil."
-5/17

A: "Grandmas, gardeners, granola eaters and little kids. That's who will be there."
B (excitedly): "That sounds like the most nonthreatening crowd ever!!"
-5/19

"Just look at him...and his cocksucking hair!"
-5/19

Re. actors' short bios in play programs:
"Well, yeah, but these are people who realize that they're not Abraham Lincoln."
-5/19

Re. Bibi the cat:
"No, she's no Flea, she doesn't like car rides. (beat:) I took Lindsay for a ride though."
-5/19

A (incredulously): "He painted a vagina flame?!"
B: "I don't know...maybe he is that gay."
-5/19

A: "He sounds like Kermit!"
B: "I know!"
A: "...Gaaaaaay Kermit."
-5/19

"But it makes me so mad!...Lesbians are gay!"
-5/19

A: "I was sooooo wrong."
B: "What?"
A: "The beer-pong-table-builder guy? Not gay."
-5/19

"What if you become the best harmonica player in the world?...like, better than people in jail?"
-5/20

"I mean, the sky's the limit. If it involves a blowtorch and a baby...we'll figure it out."
-5/20

Re. horseback riding:
"Your ass will hurt, but you'll love it!"
-5/20

A: "Your gut is on fire!...in a good way."
B: "And in a bad way."
A: "Why is that?"
B: "I had pasta."
-5/20

"You can get trout a lot of places. I'm fairly confident I can get ahold of some trout."
-5/20

Re. PBS documentary about show cats:
"I was like, Bitch!...like I'd scream across the house for anything less than Standards of Perfection."
-5/20

"Well...I think evil outweighs astrology."
-5/22

"It's cool...my metal is, like, bouncy."
-5/22

"Well, it's more like...like a drive-by stick-it-in."
-5/22

A (incredulously): "Is he gay?!"
B: "...and is that Tara Reid?"
-5/22

Coworker A: "He told me they did it! But they didn't!"
Coworker B: "He told you they did it but they didn't?! Are they high?"
-5/23

"I think you just do that when you're older -- like, you start to like smooth jazz."
-5/23

A: "That's something I don't know how to do."
B: "What?"
A: "Not share things."
-beat-
B: "I do!"
-5/23

A: "What's happening for your birthday?"
B: "Thirty-one?! Isn't that when you're supposed to jump off a fuckin' bridge 'cause it's so boring?!"
-5/24

"Jake, is that a sea otter in your bed?"
-5/24

"I've never heard anyone flirt like this...it was like the Discovery Channel."
-5/24

"If you saw me with my hair brushed you'd know what I mean. It's not a good scene. I look like a lawyer or something."
-5/24

"I'm kind of an anarchist, but I still like corn."
-5/25

"My mom...we've always described her as the black Erica Kane."
-5/25

"It is like we're married. We have no physical relationship. You give me crap. And you tried to stab me with a fork."
-5/25

Boss Lady (re. preparing food for a potluck): "I need a wife! Pam's been telling us that for years!"
-5/25

"Do you know anyone who has a dolly?...I mean, do you know if Pam and Sarah have a dolly?"
-5/26

"Yup!...Fourteen grams of coke was in my vagina."
-5/26

"Really?! Do I look like a major wiener, like I'm driving a Geo Metro? Do they just not see me?...I don't understand what's happening!"
-5/26

"I couldn't find anything! I'm really disappointed in my Googling skills."
-5/26

A: "I hate carryin' shit so bad!"
B: "I do too. 'Cause gravity's always fuckin' with you."
-5/26

A: "But it's NASCAR and chickens!"
B: (tsssk) Lindsay, when have you ever liked NASCAR and chickens?!"
-5/26

"Like, even before I do it, I hate myself...you know what I mean?"
-5/26

"...and I love cats and I hate men...God I'm so typical!"
-5/26

"Sorry, Lindsay, I'm not trying to rain on your Cyndi Lauper parade...I'm just trying to understand it."
-5/26

"I love funky ethnic sounds!...it must be a gay thing."
-5/29

Re. Teri Hatcher:
"She is so gross!...I bet her vagina smells really bad."
-5/29

A: "What are you doing tonight?"
B (holding up bowl of ice cream): "This is it!"
-5/30

A: "You feel like a stockbroker when you're alone?"
B: "No -- I feel like the stock has crashed when I'm alone."
-5/30

"...I saw ice cream in his hand and I was like, 'Oh shit, now what am I gonna do?!'"
-5/31

"She's gonna want a new iPod that doesn't have mouse urine on it."
-5/31

A: "What system?"
B: "The System, Lindsay...just try to lower yourself to a hippie mindset for just a minute."
-5/31

November 2006

"If I could get a circus dog with, like, its voicebox removed, that would be perfect."
-11/1

"He's a Pisces, he wouldn't be a Republican!"
-11/1

"I feel like, at this moment, I look like I could be from Brooklyn."
-11/2

"I grew up in an Ace of Base bubble!"
-11/3

Re. sake bomb consumption:
"I did that once, at Jodie Sweetin's birthday!"
-11/3

"I think the lesson of the day is I should drink more sake."
-11/3

Re. Griffith Observatory:
"Man, this place is the ultimate cockblock!"
-11/4

"What are we doing after this, please tell me we're doing something other than waiting an hour for chips."
-11/4

Re. observatory:
"Ooohh, I hope they have something about Jupiter!"
-11/4

"I can't even go on the Teacups, let alone space!"
-11/4

"It's kinda like, black-people-love-song, but I can still dig it."
-11/5

"Wait -- wait -- I'm serious, we have the best ghost."
-11/7

"...and you're not even sure what is vile about it...maybe it's that wrinkle."
-11/10

A: "Scary and gross is never a good combo."
B: "And it's only the eye of Jupiter!"
-11/10

A: "I don't have godparents, do you?"
B: "No. I don't think so. (beat:) If I do, it's probably some wack-ass hippie out in the middle of nowhere."
-11/11

"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you don't want to shit right!"
-11/13

"That's really the only time I have a hearty laugh...when it's a poop or fart joke. (laughs:) It fills me with delight!"
-11/14

A: "My musical tastes have changed so much."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah. Now it's like, give me a bluegrassy song...or a show tune."
-11/15

A: "Oh my God, what happened to your shoulder?!"
B: "Chocolate."
-11/17

Re. the Lava Lounge:
A: "Have you been here before?"
B: "No, I've been to Hawaii though."
-11/18

"...and I'm really tired, because Pierre woke us up at six to, like, dry heave."
-11/18

"Dude, this place is so much fun. It's like a...cesspool."
-11/18

Anonymous moviegoer: "Steve Harvey is really a bitter, angry man, but he's nice to me because, you know, I produce him."
-11/19

"I love being a nerd. I kind of wish I was more of a nerd. (beat, then wistfully:) I can't wait 'til I'm more of a nerd."
-11/20

"Every damn castle we went to, there that damn Japanese minivan was."
-11/20

Dejectedly:
"Never mind. I thought we had Tetris boobs."
-11/22

"Seriously, seriously...that warthog rules."
-11/22

"I do like Macs, I do like Lord of the Rings, I do like nerds...I just kinda felt like there was too much going on all at once."
-11/22

A: "Did you find a spot?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "That took a long time."
B: "Well, I was in Silverlake."
-11/22

A: "I don't know if that's much of an improvement."
B: "Well, you'd have to hear it echoing off the walls of a canyon in the desert..."
-11/22

A: "We're not all that picky."
B: "You are hippies."
-11/22

"Whoa, whoa! You just related it to a coming-of-age vision quest?!?"
-11/22

"No, it's okay. You know I'm gonna have to get all righteously nerdy on you and stuff."
-11/27

November 2005

"It's only two minutes...what's that gonna do? (beat:) A red ass is what that's gonna do!!"
-11/3

"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4

A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5

Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5

"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5

A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5

A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5

"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5

"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5

"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5

"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5

A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6

"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6

A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7

"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7

"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7

"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8

"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12

"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12

"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12

"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16

A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16

"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19

"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19

"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19

A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28

A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28

"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28

"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28

A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28

Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28

"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28

JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28

"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28

Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28

"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28

"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28

July 2005

"Is that Jesus, or is that just a guy?"
-7/15

Man on cell in Sea-Tac passenger pickup area: "Jimmy said he saw you the other day...where you goin'? You ain't goin' to Costa Rica!"
-7/21

Outraged hippie to child: "I was not wearing flip-flops! I was barefoot, man, I wasn't wearing any shoes at all!"
-7/21

"I think I finally learned, like, for realsies, how to inhale."
-7/21

"I'm used to strange vehicles that are tearing through the desert, and sometimes sleeping in, because my mother is a gypsy."
-7/21

"It was a nonstop Reggaeton-fest. You're not in Chile anymore! Just accept it."
-7/21

A: (gasp) "Pam! I forgot you were the back-popping goddess!"
B: "Ladies! Change your tampons!"
C: "You're sitting on my tampon!"
-7/21

"I can show you a horrible picture. (gasp:) No, I can show you a good picture!"
-7/21

A: "Are we still talking about a straw?"
B: "Yes! We are talking about a straw and its wrapper!!"
-7/21

"Ooohh...me likee Sangria on a Sunday morning."
-7/21

"I think I'm gonna take another hit and play Zelda."
-7/22

Re. Zelda:
"Sometimes I wish I lived in this world...except that fucking owl!!"
-7/22

"Wait, the collective Mecca...Whole Foods!"
-7/24

"I haven't played in a fort for a long time. We should make one. And then play Guess Who."
-7/24

"It's just...a whole array of ill-fitting jeans...you know?"
-7/24

"No way! We used to rough up our animals and that's why they're all submissive."
-7/24

"But why is it 'Jimmy'? Is it, like, 'Jimmy crack corn and I don't care, mothafucka'??"
-7/24

"Raspy is the new cleavage!"
-7/24

"These earrings are crazy...they're like death-weapons!"
-7/24

A: "You've been to the Grove before."
B: "What is it?"
-beat-
A: "It's a fantasyland."
-7/24

Re. a broken giant pen:
"Lindsay, this is the highest thing ever...I don't know what to do!"
-7/24

Re. giant pen:
A: "Lindsay, I don't know what to do about this!"
B: "Just stick the spring in there and forget about it."
-7/24

A: "So you're saying an outside source is better?"
-really long pause-
B: "Yes."
-really long pause-
A: "Wait, what's an outside source again?"
-7/24

"I know, I'm super-pissed!!...but, I already have my shoes on, I just realized!"
-7/24

"Does this shirt make me look more high?"
-7/24

"Lindsay, stop freakin' out! Holding my arm like a bloody bitch ain't gonna help!"
-7/24

"Whoa, is that a dog, or is that a person?...looks like a monkey!"
-7/24

"Lindsay, is that a dog or a fire hydrant?!?"
-7/24

A: "I just realized there were tampons in the candle holder!"
B: "Next to the kazoo!"
-7/24

A: "Can't I wear my sunglasses in the store?"
B: "No."
-really long pause-
A: "Damn!"
-7/24

After trying unsuccessfully to put a key in a keyhole:
"Those anti-drug commercials are so true!!"
-7/24

"I feel like I'm the Rain Man...and you're Tom Cruise."
-7/24

"...like, it's still Proper Pam...but with weed!"
-7/24

"We can be funny but...that ain't no rock!"
-7/24

Re. cauliflower:
A: "Do you think this is still good?"
B: "No."
A: "Why?"
B: " 'Cause it fell on the floor."
-pause-
A: "Hmmm." (sets cauliflower floret on table)
-7/24

"He looks like he's trying to run with every inch of his life!...that makes sense...right?"
-7/24

"What's this word?...'R-I-R-E'?...Nine!!"
-7/24

"Please, please help me...I want some gyoza!"
-7/24

A: "I got the thoughts and you got the..."
-pause-
B: "Words?"
-7/24

A: "I'm so excited right now!"
-pause-
B: "I can't stop grabbing my breast."
-7/24

Woman in bookstore, excitedly: "Cat On a Hot Tin Roof!! (pause -- then, disappointed:) Ohhhh, it's the play."
-7/28